Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

• Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
• Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
• Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
• If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
• Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Carlos Delgado, 1998 Score

Name: Carlos Delgado
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: The same as if it had been soaked in water
Key 1997 stat: One Oozinator purchased
Cool off with this edition of The Caption, which likely didn't run in the Toronto Sun circa 1997: "Blue Jays first baseman Carlos Delgado demonstrates his displeasure with home plate umpire Rich Garcia's strike zone by firing a high-powered water gun at the umpiring crew Thursday at the Rogers Centre in Toronto. Garcia, after being drenched, went over to the Blue Jays dugout, confiscated the toy and told a pouting Delgado that he could have it back after the game was over."

Carlos Delgado, 1998 Score

Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Name: Roberto Alomar
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 cent a minute
Key 1993 stat: $321 in overage charges
Conversation between Roberto Alomar and brother Sandy Alomar Jr., circa 1993: "Hey, Sandy, it's me. Yeah, I'm supposed to be out on the field, but I wanted to talk to you about a wireless plan. AT&T is sponsoring me and I have a great deal for you. If you buy a $499.99 phone that only weighs 4 pounds, you get access to my friends-and-family plan. That's right, if you buy the phone that can double as a yacht anchor you only have to pay $11 a minute to talk to me and one other friend or family member. I'd suggest you add Dad. I bought him an older model cellular phone that has a rotary dial and weighs 8 pounds. So can I sign you up? OK, talk to your agent and try to get that bigger contract first before you sign up for this one. Toodles."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Kelly Gruber, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Kelly Gruber
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Third base
Value of card: 5 crotches, er, cents
Key 1990 stat: Ultra proud of his man zone
Well, hello: Easy there, Kelly Gruber. You're coming on a little strong. Let's start by removing your crotch from our faces. Yeah, we get it, third base isn't just your position, it's your way of life. Still, the kids might see what you're doing here and get confused. No, no, we're all impressed by your flexibility. It's just that this is neither the appropriate time nor place for such aggressive junk-thrusting. So just take a step back, and let's start over. Nope, it's still there. Nope. Still there. That's it, we're calling the cops.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Kelly Gruber, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Name: Trevor Mallory
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Draft pick, pitcher
Value of card: Humor value: high; monetary value: nonexistent
Key 1991 stat: Only season at any pro level with more wins than losses (2-1)
Welcome to Fan Appreciation Week: We here at the Bust like to joke around that only six people read our site, but the truth is that our fan base is easily double that number. (Hi, Mom!) And those loyal fans of ours, from time to time, send us some pretty amazing cards to mock. We work them in from time to time, but this week we've decided to give them a special place of honor, running seven of them back to back. This one's for the fans!
Blue Jays scouting report, circa 1991, on second-round draft pick Trevor Mallory: "If this kid's fastball ever catches up to his fade, look out! ... Needs to work on slider, curveball, ability to button his clothes. ... In his high school yearbook, he was voted most likely to join Bell Biv Devoe, and those guys rule, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says his favorite food is those little vienna sausages that come in a can. Worrisome. ... Once struck out 10 batters and struck out with 10 girls all in the same day. ... Says he has no problem with removing his earring since it's made of plastic anyway. ... We project that he, much like his shirt, will be a front-line starter for many years to come."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Felipe Crespo
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a Mervyns $5 off coupon that expired in 1996
Key 1991 stat: 32 pinstripes (not the Yankees variety)
Today's fashion model: Here we have Felipe Crespo, who, it appears, has been thrown in fashion jail. Why was he thrown in fashion jail? Perhaps it's all those pinstripes, including the one that's plastered across his forehead in the form of eyebrows. Or maybe it's that belt, which he might have borrowed from Crocodile Dundee. Or maybe it's your grandpa's trousers that he's wearing. Nope, we got it: It's all of the above.

Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Doug Linton, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Name: Doug Linton
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two Easter eggs with dead chicks inside
Key 1991 stat: 52 Sundays at church
Today's fashion model: Here we have Doug Linton, a good boy who always listened to his mother when it came to his fashion choices in the early 1990s. Dougie made sure he tucked in his shirt and ironed his khakis every day. On Sundays, he would dress nicely for church, but he saved his best pastel shirt for Easter. Above, we see him after the Easter service and family IHOP brunch, when his parents drove him to the local Sears for the annual springtime shoot. Soon after this photo was taken, lil' Dougie got his reward for being such a good boy: a chance to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap and feel his eggs.

Doug Linton, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 5)

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Levon Largusa
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six mismatched Legos
Key 1992 stat: 12 minutes spent in timeout
Disregard seeing this: Dear readers, ignore this card. Pretend you never saw it. Look away as soon as possible. You see, Levon Largusa wasn't a big-leaguer. He was a kid who sneaked onto the field in a mesh jersey and his dad's old cap during the Blue Jays' photo day. The Topps photographer got confused and took this photo, and somehow the card ended up in the set. But we're not worried about Topps being upset about the mistake getting revived; we're worried about little Levon's mother hollering at us again about running a photo of her boy. We're sorry, Mrs. Largusa. It won't happen again.

Card contributed by Douglas Corti

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: Burning garbage
Key 1997 stat: Thought it was OK to look like this in public
Don't ask: Why is Carlos Garcia wearing that, erm, thing around his head?

A) Out of sympathy for his dog, Cheesestick, who was wearing a cone after getting fixed.
B) To keep himself from gnawing at his nethers, because he also just got fixed.
C) To cover up a giant hickey on his neck. Because this is much less embarrassing.
D) He was modeling his latest fashion idea, the SuperTurtleneck.
E) To block out the constant booing of the fans.

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Name: Danny Ainge
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Infield, outfield, shooting guard, whatever
Value of card: Two tainted meatballs
Key 1981 stat: 1-for-9 from the 3-point line
10 reasons Danny Ainge couldn't hack it as a major-leaguer:
10) He'd try to dribble a ground ball after it was hit to him.
9) He'd set screens on the base paths.
8) He kept watching the clock.
7) He'd play man-to-man defense in the outfield.
6) He'd sneakily paint all the balls orange.
5) He'd catch a pitched ball with his bare hands when he was batting and chest-pass it to the guy in the on-deck circle.
4) He kept crossing out "Blue Jays" on his jersey and writing "Celtics."
3) He made his jockstrap and cup out of a nylon net.
2) He made teammates nervous by talking about "hardwood."
1) He wouldn't take off his shorts.

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Chuck Hartenstein, 1977 Topps

Name: Chuck Hartenstein
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One rancid mutton chop
Key 1977 stat: More chins than wins
Career choices: Chuck Hartenstein didn't play in a major league game from 1971 to 1976. Here are some of the jobs he held during that hiatus:

• Long-haul truck driver
• Sunglass tinter
• Ambassador to turkey (not the country, his neighbor's actual pet turkey)
• Hairstyle adviser
• CB radio repairman
• Unofficial baseball scorer
• Sideburn farmer
• Country-and-Western singer
• Gigolo

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Chuck Hartenstein, 1977 Topps

Roy Lee Jackson, 1984 Fleer

Name: Roy Lee Jackson
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A few (out-of-tune) notes
Key 193 stat: One national anthem sung, with no more invitations to do so again — ever
Roy Lee Jackson's "Star-Spangled Banner" lyrics, circa 1983:
Jose can you see by Juan's early light,
What so proudly we wailed at "Highlights'" last reading,
Whose broad gripes with spite hard through a perilous fight,
O'er the ram's parts we watched, were so gallantly creaming?
And the rocks and red air, the bombs bursting in glare,
Gave proof to the knight that the hag was still there;
O say how much does that star banner thing weigh,
Over the land of the trees and the home of the Jays.

Roy Lee Jackson, 1984 Fleer

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Names: Brian Asselstine, Wayne Gross, Sam Mejias, Alvis Woods
Teams: Braves, A's, Expos, Blue Jays, respectively
Positions: Outfield, all of 'em
Value of card: 1 cent for each player
Key 1976 stat: Hold on. We're still looking. OK, let's just go with "four"
It's time for a four-way edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Last name with an expletive in it (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 2: Last name that's grosser than that expletive (Winner: Gross)
Round 3: Subject of most blown-out and unprofessional photo (Winner: Woods)
Round 4: Most lopsided afro (Winner: Mejias)
Round 5: Angriest black man (Winner: Woods)
Round 6: Angriest Latino (Winner: Mejias)
Round 7: Angriest white dude (Winner: Woods)
Round 8: Most jagged, twisting mullet (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 9: Inclusion on a terrible 1970s baseball card (Winner: All)

Score: Asselstine 2, Gross 2, Mejias 2, Woods 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: After eight equally matched rounds and four equally unremarkable careers, these four fine athletes ended up tied for first and tied together forever on this poor excuse for a bingo card.

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman

Name: Alex Gonzalez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 10 of those shirt collar "stays" you're always losing
Key 1991 stat: 44 "Saved by the Bell" episodes watched
It's time for a 1990s-licious pop quiz:

Why did teenager Alex Gonzalez wear that tie?

(A) His mom told him to.
(B) To distract people from his shirt.
(C) It was Sears catalog photo shoot day.
(D) He wanted to prove his patriotism with something brighter than fireworks.
(E) He had an uproarious sense of humor.
(F) All of the above

Alex Gonzalez, 1992 Bowman

Dave Lemanczyk, 1978 Topps

Name: Dave Lemanczyk
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One lemon, squeezed in your eye
Key 1977 stat: Led the league in earned runs allowed (Congrats!)
I'm sorry, Dave: How do we know Dave Lemanczyk is a man?

A) Knowing it was photo day, he wore his finest dress shirt zippered windbreaker under his jersey.
B) What, you think some broad is gonna wear all that baby blue?
C) The only things thicker than those sideburns are those eyebrows.
D) Duh, it says so right in his last name.
E) None of the above.

Dave Lemanczyk, 1978 Topps

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Closer
Value of card: Contempt
Key 1988 stat: One grudge held against the Bust
Impenetrable padding: What is Tom Henke hiding under that jacket?

A) 215 pounds of mean ol' country boy
B) 215 pounds of ham radio equipment
C) 215 pounds of insulation
D) 215 pounds of the finest Canadian porno
E) 860 pounds of all of the above

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Name: Craig McMurtry
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 burnt mustache hairs
Key 1987 stat: Didn't do nothin'
Quotable quote from the back of the card: "Craig McMurtry says this about smoke: 'Every team should have a pitcher that throws it. Every home should have an alarm that detects it.'"
Stop, drop and gag: Here are some of the ways in which the above card does and does not promote fire safety.

• It promotes fire safety by eschewing the use of loud, incendiary colors in favor of a simple black-and-white, homemade color scheme.
• It does not promote fire safety in that it lies about Craig McMurtry being a Blue Jay. Dude never threw a pitch for the team. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
• It promotes fire safety by using a photo of McMurtry taken off a TV screen rather than having him drive in and get his muffler all hot.
• It does not promote fire safety by flaunting all that arm hair. Those limbs are just a tinderbox, ready to blow!
• It promotes fire safety by having McMurtry wear those glasses rather than use them to fry insects or       considering the size of the lenses       small cities.
• It does not promote fire safety by inducing a coma just by looking at it. Come on, man, we could have had a candle burning!

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Buck Martinez, 2001 Oh Henry! Team Set

Name: Buck Martinez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Manager
Value of card: Whatever Buck finds in his pants
Key 2000 stat: Not once did he say "eh"
10 more candy terms, this time for Buck Martinez:
10) Reese's Big Cup (so that there's room for ol' Hands-in-Pants Martinez)
9) Whatchamacallit (what Buck called the shortstop position)
8) Milk Duds (a lot of his games were duds, that's for sure)
7) Mike & Ike (two guys who would have been better managers)
6) Kisses (not when you've got your hands in your crotch, buddy)
5) Airheads (sums up his coaching style)
4) Snickers (sure, we used it last time, but look at this photo!)
3) Payday (Buck stopped getting them after 1½ seasons)
2) Skor (Jays didn't do much of this under Buck)
1) Nutrageous (guess why)

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Buck Martinez, 2001 Oh Henry! Team Set

Alex Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Alex Sanchez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nothing good
Key 1989 stats: Four games, three starts, zero wins
Toronto Blue Jays' scouting report on nondescript rookie Alex Sanchez: "Resemblance to A.C. Slater from 'Saved by the Bell' should score us some points with fans who are teenage girls. ... Sure, his last name is Sanchez, but judging by his stuff, he ain't 'dirty.' ... Currently leading our Triple-A team in mullet and steely eyes. ... Hard to find a photo of this guy. All we've got so far is his driver's license photo, but thankfully he's wearing his uniform in it. We may need to buy this guy some actual clothes. ... Needs to work on: (1) curveball; (2) changeup; (3) chin. ... We're all pulling for him in his effort to some day grow facial hair."

Alex Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Tony Fernandez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tony Fernandez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 12 dried maple leaves, crumbled into powder
Key 1988 stat: 217 batting stances tried
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

What's Tony Fernandez's name for his batting stance?

(A) The All-Wrong Right Angles
(B) The Skinny and Dip
(C) The Bulge First, Batting Average Second
(D) The Toronto Seizure
(E) The Tiny Wrist Blitz
(F) The Churn-Nandez
(G) The Chicken Leg Convulsion Propulsion
(H) All of the above

Tony Fernandez, 1989 Donruss