Bo Bowman, 2010 Bowman

Name: Bo Bowman
Team: Some Colorado Rockies farm team or other
Position: First base
Value of card: Two "Bowmans" (in other words, nothing)
Key 2009 stat: Closest he got to The Show was on PlayStation 3
Fun with words: Bo Bowman boasted that he had a boomstick, but that was baloney. His boring, bowlegged blows in the box and bobbles of the ball left his career in the boneyard. He bottomed out, boarded a boat and now butchers boar in Bolivia.

Bo Bowman, 2010 Bowman

Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson, 1991, um, Bash II? ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 7)

Names: Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: It's worth bashing, all right
Key 1990 stat: Two careers headed in different directions
Real quick: Before we get to the players pictured above, let's talk about the back of this card. In child-like scribble, it predicts the future, talking about how these guys are the next Bash Brothers (only without the steroids) and mentioning a "new bashing era for White Sox fans" that isn't meant as a reference to the team's World Series drought. OK, Bash II Trading Card Company (or whoever the hell made this garbage), good call.

Bye-bye, Big Hurt: What better way to wrap up a week of horrendous baseball cards than by bringing in a guest star who was responsible for some equally horrendous baseball cards? These two guys saw their faces on a lot of crap in the early '90s      it's about time they faced off in The Matchup.

Round 1: Better White Sox uniform (Winner: Jackson)
Round 2: More color, both in uniform and in face (Winner: Thomas)
Round 3: Heart-melting smile (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Better pouty face (Winner: Jackson)
Round 5: Better nickname (Winner: Thomas)
Round 6: Worst sports card of all time (Winner: Jackson)
Round 7: Destined to play more than 183 games the rest of his career (Winner: Thomas)

Final score: Thomas 4, Jackson 3

Synopsis: Come on, you knew Big Hurt wasn't going to lose a Matchup during his very own week, didn't you? It was a back-and-forth battle, but once again Bo's serious hip injury keeps us wondering what might have been.

Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson, 1991, um, Bash II? ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 7)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six gallstones in a glass beaker
Key 1989 stat: One player, one card set, two expressions
So, what does Bo Jackson the sarcastic Diamond King stand for?

Brilliant use of muted colors
Only the finest paints the world has to offer

Just the right amount of emotion caught in his expression
Art that belongs on a museum wall
Critical praise has been heaped upon this rendering
King is too pedestrian a term for a card of such high value
Sophistication has been a hallmark of this acclaimed series
Ostensibly a portrait of Bo Jackson, but so much more
Novice artists could learn a thousand things from breathing in this card's beauty

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Bo Jackson, 1990 Topps BIG

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: You ever heard the term "a king's ransom"? The opposite of that.
Key 1989 stat: Looked good in baby blue
It's the return of The Caption, which ran with this artistic illustration in a Kansas City-area newspaper in early 1990: "Royals outfielder Bo Jackson could be the spark that leads Kansas City back to World Series glory this season      that is, if he can stop dreaming about eating a third of a pie filled with a miniature version of himself."

Bo Jackson, 1990 Topps BIG

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 used sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1989 stat: Roughly 2 million images of him doctored
You're doing it wrong: OK, look at the words at the top of this card. Then look at the image. Notice anything missing? If you said, the Royals logo on Bo Jackson's hat, well, you'd be right, obviously. But most food-based sports cards in the early 1990s were required to make players look like they were in the witness protection program. No, what we're going for here is that, for an "autograph series," this card seems to be suspiciously unsigned. And while it's true that you could find Bo's childlike scribbling on the back of the card, what fun is that? Maybe we'll start signing the back of our credit card receipts and see how that goes over. Seriously, this set would have been the worst thing to ever happen to sunflower seeds if not for this article.

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

Bo Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck On Deck With ...

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Confusion
Key 1992 stat: 17,202 off-color jokes told
Laugh it up: Which attempt at humor has Bo Jackson offended his teammate with?

A) "There once was a girl from Nantucket ... wait, what rhymes with Nantucket again?"
B) "My hip isn't the only thing down there that's bionic."
C) "No, seriously, I'm going to hit over .230 this year!"
D) "Have you checked out Baseball Card Bust?"
E) All of the above.

Bo Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck On Deck With ...

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score Ground Force (Football Friday No. 117)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Running back
Value of card: Smoke from a lightning strike trapped in a mason jar
Key 1989 stat: 1,200 singed hairs
Do you feel the burn? Bo Jackson was more than a football player. Bo Jackson was more than a baseball player. Hell, Bo Jackson was more than an athlete. Bo Jackson was a superhero, one who could survive a lightning strike with a smile on his face and a bulge in his pocket. How did Bo Jackson survive a lightning strike, you ask? Below are the ways in which Bo Jackson, the superhero leader of Ground Force, was hit by lightning, followed by what happened immediately afterward.

• Contact injury, when the victim was touching an object that was struck. (Bo was touching a lightning bolt when it was struck by another lightning bolt. The Chargers immediately lost 48-0.)
• Side splash, when current jumps from an object to the victim. (Bo showered in the side splash.) 
• Ground strike, current passing from a strike through the ground to the nearby victim. (Being a member of Ground Force counteracts the effects of a ground strike.)
• Direct strike, which is usually fatal. (It was fatal — for the lightning.)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score Ground Force (Football Friday No. 117)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Running back, emergency room
Value of card: Three screws extracted from hip
Key 1990 stat: Zero career-ending injuries
Key 1991 stat: One career-ending injury
Key 1992 stat: Zero games played
Ouch: We've shown you hundreds of cards that are so bad they can cause severe pain, but this is the first time a card on The Bust has shown a player suffering a career-ending injury. Sure, we've shown you injured players and a bisected Bo, but this is Bo getting his life bisected by a terrible injury. Imagine if Bo's kids in 1991 picked up a pack of Pro Set cards and saw Daddy's hip shattering? Brutal. What could have been worse? We have a few ideas:

• The 1991 Topps card that showed Bo's wife cheating on him with a 375-pound lineman.
• The 1992 Pro Set card that showed Bo sitting on his couch with his leg in a cast.
• The 1991 Score card that showed Bo's golden retriever getting hit by a car.
• A ridiculous 1991 card that compared Bo to a certain rascally TV character.
• The 1992 Pro Line Portrait card that showed Bo's kids thumbing through a pack that contained all the above cards, including the one that pictured their dad's football career being cut short by a gruesome hip injury.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three shell casings
Key 1990 stat: 312 broken bats
10 people sniper Bo Jackson picked off with his "fire arm":
10) The tailor who preferred too-tight pants
9) Chuck Connors
8) Some dude Bo met who doesn't wear wristbands
7) His Bizarro World nemesis, "Dough" Blackson
6) The grounds crew head, who replaced the field with a vortex
5) A member of the Blue Man Group
4) Fellow "Human Dynamo" Kirby Puckett, who looked at him funny
3) A fan in the 12th row who disparaged flip glasses
2) A linebacker trying to make a tackle on running back Bo Jackson in the following football season
1) The lead graphics designer at Score

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss MVP

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Less than the sweat wiped from Bo's forehead

Key 1989 stat: 112 paint splotches on card

Time for a most valuable pop quiz:

What does this particular M.V.P. award stand for?

(A) Misplaced V-neck Position

(B) Mouth Very Problematic

(C) Most Valuable Bust

(D) Mass Volume: Perspiration

(E) Moderately Vile Penmanship

(F) None of the above

Bo Jackson, 1990 Donruss MVP

Bo Jackson, 1989 Topps

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: What's cheaper than dirt? See above

Key 1988 stat: 23,854 times awestruck

It's time for a Bo-dacious pop quiz:

What has Bo Jackson so enthralled?

(A) He sees a guy who looks just like him playing running back for the Raiders.

(B) Nothing. He's blinded by the reflection from his bright-blue pants.

(C) He's gazing upon Kansas City, and is amazed by the dullness.

(D) He has never seen a center fielder so fetching.

(E) Bulge.

(F) None of the above

Bo Jackson, 1989 Topps

Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson, 1990 Fleer Human Dynamos

Names: Kirby Puckett, Bo Jackson

Teams: Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals

Positions: Outfield, outfield

Value of card: $2 (check that) 2 cents (check that) Two dust bunnies

Key 1989 stat: One legendary athlete; one Kirby Puckett

Fun Facts about Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson:

• Bo Jackson played baseball and football. Kirby Puckett played baseball and with himself.
• Bo Jackson is a "human dynamo." Kirby Puckett is a human.
• Bo Jackson had many roles in sports. Kirby Puckett had many rolls on his neck.
• Bo Jackson was known for his records. Kirby Puckett was known for his record.
• Bo Jackson wrote one book. Kirby Puckett was booked more than once.
• Bo Jackson made spectacular grabs and catches. Kirby Puckett grabbed and was caught.
• Bo Jackson played for the Raiders. Kirby Puckett was also a criminal.

Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson, 1990 Fleer Human Dynamos

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Names, from bottom left: Frank Thomas, Nolan Ryan, Bo Jackson, Ken Griffey Jr., Cal Ripken Jr.

Teams: Chicago White Sox (Thomas, Jackson), Texas Rangers (Ryan) Seattle Mariners (Griffey), Baltimore Orioles (Ripken)

Positions: First base (Thomas), Pitcher (Ryan), Outfield (Jackson, Griffey), Shortstop (Ripken)

Value of card: 3 ounces of moon rock

Key 1991 stat: Five stars, five descriptions

Five stars in orbit:

Thomasmetrica-35: Found approximately 14 million light years from Earth, Thomasmetrica-35 was a supergiant star, one of the biggest in the universe. It towered over other stars in the American League nebula, its gravitational power hitting its peak in the mid-1990s, before suddenly combusting into a red dwarf star, capable of few of its former feats.

Ryanitoba-5714: One of the oldest stars in the universe, Ryanitoba-5714 is crisscrossed by deep canyons, wrinkle-like, throughout its face. These crevices are actively viewed with the human eye in Texas, but in most other regions its popularity has waned with age.

Bo-hemia-34: This main sequence star is well-known for its fast rotation and the force of its sun bursts. This combination of speed and power has translated into a twofold existence: in the spring and summer, Bo-hemia-34 shrinks and becomes circular, with two endless red ridges; in the fall, it grows and elongates at its poles, sprouts one large white ridge at its center and turns brown. Books have been written about Bo-hemia-34's shape-shifting, only seen in one other major star, Deionistis-7.

Ofgriffey-2: Once a junior star to its closest relative, Ofgriffey-1, Ofgriffey-2 has grown massive, with immense popularity in the field and the ability to send its bursts into orbit. Despite its size, astronomers still refer to it by a nickname, "The Kid."

Ripkenocus-2632: This white dwarf has been counter-rotating at a record pace for 2,632 light years, the longest known counter rotation in the universe. This constant backward rotation has damaged the planets that rely on Ripkenocus-2632, as well as its exoskeleton, but it continues to spin and spin, as if only for assurance the record will never be broken.

1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Bo Jackson, 1985 Heisman Series (Bo Week, No. 7)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Auburn Tigers
Positions: Running back, winner
Value of card: One giant, Photoshopped trophy
Key 1985 stat: First of thousands of ridiculous, Bo-related sports cards
Bo, we salute you: For having two all-star careers cut short by a hip injury. For being a better video game athlete than real-life athlete. For your bulge of legend. For being upstaged by Bo Diddley. For going by "Bo" even though your real name is Vincent Edward. For having enough terrible sports cards to supply the Bust with a week's worth of fodder. For appearing in the worst collector's card of all time. For all this and so much more, we at the Bust honor you, Bo Jackson, with the largest Bust Cup we've ever created. Call it a lifetime underachievement award. You, sir, are at the pinnacle of the Bust.

Bo Jackson, 1985 Heisman Series (Bo Week, No. 7)

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Name: Bo Jackson
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Outfielder/Running Back, apparently
Value of card: Half off
Key 1989 stat: Four amputated fingers
More great moments in Photoshop: The makers of this fine special edition card were split over how to present it. Half wanted Bo in baseball attire, while the other half preferred his football photo. A bitter debate divided the room, causing a rift between longtime coworkers and friends. After dissecting the subject for days, there seemed no end to the dichotomy between them. Rather than tearing the project asunder, these masterminds searched the hemisphere for someone — or something — to unite them. In the end, it was a brand-new software that brought them harmony. Sure, it cost Bo four fingers and caused his ears to become uneven, but it did nothing to diminish his bulge.

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score (Bo Week, No. 5)

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A handful of splinters

Key 1990 stat: 5,237 things broken

10 other things Bo breaks:

10) Records, bitches. Records.

9) The laws of physics

8) Veins in his neck and arms when breaking bats over his knee

7) His own hip, thus ending his career

6) Wind

5) The ice, literally, in large chunks across his knee

4) Hearts, across the nation

3) The rules of fashion (baby-blue?)

2) 'Dem hoes

1) Bats

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score (Bo Week, No. 5)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Shirtless Wonders
Position: Wait, this looks familiar
Value of card: One case of deja vu
Key 1989 stat: Won the redundancy award for redundancy
Here we go again: Shoulder pads, baseball bat, ridiculous lack of jersey — yup, we've been here before. Thankfully, the back of the card is a font of useful information. Hold on, isn't this the same photo as earlier, just with the football pants cropped out? What kind of talentless hacks take the same gimmick and use it over and over? Speaking of which, let's get a quick pop quiz in here.

What other companies used this photo to advertise their products?
A) Playgirl, Bartles & Jaymes and NAPA Auto Parts
B) Playgirl, Playtex and Play-Doh
C) Playgirl, Missouri Lottery and the Smithsonian Institution
D) Playgirl, Crazy Teddy's New & Used Car Sales and NASA
E) Nike, Gatorade and Tecmo. And Playgirl

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Los Angeles Raiders

Position: Running back

Value of card: I'm sorry. What? I was distracted.

Key 1990 stat: Bulge. I mean, uh, I was distracted. I mean, um, five rushing touchdowns.

The bulge of Bo Week: At first glance, this card seems reasonable. It's an intricate likeness of a superior athlete. Bo is in a Raiders uniform, and his baseball career is tastefully alluded to through the drawing of stitches on the moon. Then your eyes pan down. What is that? The illustrator chose to display Mr. Jackson's — bam — in an exaggerated way (at least we hope it's exaggerated). Your eyes are first drawn to the football at Bo's side, then — bam. Maybe your eyes are drawn to the Raiders helmet, whose chinstrap happens to be pointing to — bam. You can't escape it. Bo's belt can't even stay buckled because of that — bam. And what about the stitch design on the crotch of Bo's football pants? Bam. But the bam isn't contained to the frame of the illustration. Oh no. Even Bo's first name — bam — parts like the Red Sea for the — bam bam bam — just in case that buckle breaks and the bam falls through the bottom of the frame.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Names: Bo Jackson, Bart Simpson

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Springfield Isotopes

Positions: Outfield; Mischievous, catch phrase-spitting brat

Value of card: One pair of shorts, eaten

Key 1990 stats: 50 humorous chalkboard recitations; 50 massive bubbles blown

It's time for The Matchup, Bo Week-style:

Round 1: Short-shorts (Winner: Bart)

Round 2: Bubbles coming from mouth (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 4: Anatomical makeup allowing for bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 5: Hovering height (Winner: Bart)

Round 6: Random light-blue lump on shoulder (Winner: Bo)

Round 7: Size of head (Winner: Bart)

Round 8: Popularity among 12-year-olds in 1991 (Winner: Tie)

Round 9: Tiny headwear (Winner: Bo)

Score: Bo 4, Bart 3 (Ties, 2)

Synopsis: The competition was stiff, but, as is usually the case, a grown man with a bat beats a punk kid with a smart mouth and a skateboard.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Undetermined due to lack of jersey
Position: Um, batback?
Value of card: Two sports
Key 1988 stat: One unoriginal idea
Welcome to Bo Week: This week, we at the Bust celebrate the greatest two-sport star of all time (well, after Deion Sanders and Michael Jordan), Bo Jackson. During the late 1980s and early '90s, Bo was an American legend, an icon known for wearing shoulder pads and carrying a weighty stick — like RuPaul, but different. He played most of his pro baseball career for the Kansas City Royals, which always left his autumns open for football and the Los Angeles Raiders. Here we see Bo in a pose that certainly will not be copied in any other cards this week — wearing football pants and shoulder pads while holding a baseball bat. Surely card companies thought of myriad other ways to shoot Bo. Right?

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)