Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bobby Bonds
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six broken razors
Key 1980 stat: 18 ounces of scum left on dugout wall
Here's what Bobby Bonds stands for:

Barbers were his worst enemies
Other than not being able to wear a ball cap, he looked good in a uniform
Buzz cut? Not quite
Ballplayer first, style maven second
You never know when Fleer is going to take a photo of you

Bed head taken to a whole new level
Optimal combination of 'fro and ragged beard
Never could find a razor in 1981
Dad to Barry Bonds, who was more clean ... shaven
Soul Glo, sucka, Soul Glo

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Name:  Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Tuxedo sweat
Key 1992 stat: Head not yet the size of an asteroid
What's got Barry dressed up all fancy like?

A) His induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame (ha ha, nope)
B) A Christmas Eve dinner with buddy Vic Conte
C) Baseball fans and writers are throwing a gala in his honor
D) Court
E) All of the above (except A and C, of course)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Name: Barry Bonds (feat. Ken Griffey Jr.)
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Overbidding in the Showcase Showdown on "The Price is Right"
Key 1995 stat: Five fingers (that's four more than he usually gave photographers)
Just in time for the MLB playoffs, it's V.J. Lovero Showcase Week: When talented Sports Illustrated photographer V.J. Lovero died in 2004, he left behind many great baseball images, as well as one of the most ridiculous baseball card subsets of all time, the 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase. This week, we're highlighting seven of the most absurd shots from that collection, all intended to show MLB stars at their most colorful (and we all know how well that's turned out before).
Something's amiss: There's something unusual about this card, but we just can't put our finger on it. It's not Griffey, with his hat turned backward, smile on his face       the Kid always seemed to be smiling in the mid-'90s. It's definitely not Barry, waving away a member of the media with a look of displeasure. That's par for the course. It's not even that ad on the fence for Arrowhead Water, so cool and refreshing after a day (OK, three innings) of patrolling the outfield during a spring training game. Wait a sec ... spring training ... that's it! A cloudy day in Phoenix? Unheard of. What, did it start raining toads next?

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Name: Barry Bonds
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used syringe
Key 1990 stat: Normal-size testes
We've got questions, you've got answers:

What crime was Barry Bonds accused of before this mug shot was taken?

A) Facial hair fraud — that thing is drawn on, and poorly at that
B) Reckless smirking
C) Grand theft crappy personalized necklace
D) It's (cream and) clear, isn't it?
E) All of the above

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Barry Bonds, 1993 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Left field

Value of card: Seven identical Cracker Jack prize cross earrings

Key 1992 stat: Zero steroids injections - swear to god; no, seriously; on my mother's grave; cross my heart; I take the Fifth

10 other awards Barry Bonds won in 1992:

10) Straightest Mustache, Major League Baseball

9) M.V.P.P.: Most Valuable Pompous Prick

8) Largest Man with Woman's Eyes (three years running)

7) Mr. T Style Award

6) Nonreligious Cross Bearer of the Decade

5) Mediocre Sports Card Blog Player of the Week

4) Most Likely to Have Head Double in Size

3) Nobel Prize in Douchebaggery

2) Lamest Use of Earlobe, Otolaryngology (Ear, Nose and Throat Doctors) Association

1) Tommy Bahama Salesman of the Year

Barry Bonds, 1993 Upper Deck Award Winners

Barry Bonds, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Positions: Left field, face on bat

Value of card: I'm (sob) not (sob) sure (sob)

Key 1990 stat: 12 buckets of tears

Time for another pop quiz:

Why is Barry Bonds melancholy?

(A) His ratty flattop needs a trim.

(B) His bat is cheating on him with Chuck Knoblauch and Julio Franco.

(C) The photographer made him take out his ridiculous cross earring for this card.

(D) He's ashamed of having a picture of himself on his wristbands.

(E) He had the foresight, in 1991, to realize this absurd pose would one day wind up on an even more absurd baseball card blog.

(F) All of the above.

Barry Bonds, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Barry Bonds, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One giant black and yellow belt
Key 1990 stat: Endless omens
Seeing into the future: You have to give credit to the artists at Fleer. Sure, even in 1990, everyone knew Barry Bonds was a potent slugger who injected fear into the hearts of his opponents. We knew his bat was a dangerous, if not lethal, object. We knew he was from some alternate universe where the night sky was somehow black and yellow, and that his eyes were ridiculously small compared with the rest of his face. But what this artist saw that no one else did was that Bonds was on BGH — belt growth hormone. During his rookie season, Bonds' belt was inconspicuous, if not scrawny. But slowly, as the years went by, his waistband grew to an abnormal width, leaving the public with no choice but to question whether he was using accessory enhancing drugs. The rumors hung over his head like a Baseball Card Bust cup, and the sport's fans turned on him, throwing sashes, cumberbunds and girdles on the field until his retirement after the 2007 season.

Barry Bonds, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Barry Bonds, 1993 Score All-Star Team

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Outfield

Value of card: $99 sensitivity training session

Key 1991 stat: One instance of blatant racism

Score, hang your head in shame: Most of the cards found on the Bust are funny. You look at them, you laugh, or smile, or quickly redirect to a better site. Don Aase has a funny name. Ha-ha. Julio Franco is embracing his bat like a lover. Ha-ha. Al Newman is PhotoShopped into a sauna. Ha-ha. But then there are cards that make you cringe. The 1993 Score card featuring a racist depiction of Barry Bonds, above, is one of them. Think of this: It's the early 1990s, and a group of Score executives sit around a boardroom table. They examine this artist's work, nod, and deem it appropriate for the youth of the day. One fat cat in a suit and tie turns to another and says, "Sure, looks just like Bonds to me. Sign up this artist. These will be a hit with the kiddies." It doesn't take a sociology professor to see the similarities between this card and the infamous black caricatures of the early 20th century. And it's not only Bonds who got the Sambo treatment. It's a surprise that with the Score executives in control at the time that Mark McGwire wasn't dressed in green, drinking a beer and eating corned beef and Steve Balboni wasn't holding a Tommy gun. Sensitivity? Score: 0-0.

Barry Bonds, 1993 Score All-Star Team