Bobby Bonilla, Barry Larkin, 1991 Fleer Superstars Special

Names: Bobby Bonilla, Barry Larkin
Teams: Pittsburgh Pirates, Cincinnati Reds
Positions: Outfield, shortstop
Value of card: 8 pounds of awkwardness
Key 1990 stats: Zero words actually exchanged
It's a 1990 NLCS retro Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that looks like eyebrows (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 2: Dumbest look on face (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Inability to realize where the camera is (Winner: Larkin)
Round 4: Potential for ruining career by moving to New York (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 5: Alliterative name (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 6: Inability to get out of that net they're trapped in (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Secretly sad on the inside (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 8: Fake gold jewelry (Winner: Larkin)
Round 9: Who does the card itself resemble? (Winner: Bonilla)

Final score: Bonilla 5, Larkin 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: The Killer B's got swatted by the Reds in the 1990 NLCS, but Bonilla brings the Bucs an entirely meaningless win in this Matchup.

Bobby Bonilla, Barry Larkin, 1991 Fleer Superstars Special

Bobby Bonilla, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Bobby Bonilla

Team: New York Mets

Position: Outfield

Value of card: One plastic Cracker Jack watch

Key 1993 stat: 2.3 million reflections

Script from Oakley Blades sunglasses commercial, circa 1994: "Yo, Bobby Bo here with Oakley, America's favorite shades. You know what I hate? I hate the sun, man. It's all bright and yellow, up in your business. That's why I grab a blade for this battle. Or Blades, that is. (Zoom to cartoon picture of Blades, being worked on by tiny construction workers.) Take it from a big leaguer who cares more about looking cool than playing well: There has never been a better combination of style and craftsmanship in the history of sunglasses. (Pan to Bonilla sitting in the locker room, holding a pair of Blades, in a towel.) These Blades go with your mullet, they go with your mustache, they go with your fine-lined flat top. (Zoom to Bonilla running hand over his flat top.) You can hold these up and use the reflection when you're shaving. You can blow coke off them in a crowded party. (Cut to shot of Bonilla smiling at camera and pushing Blades down his nose.) And most important, you can use these Blades as a shank in your battle against life's biggest opponent, the sun. "

Bobby Bonilla, 1994 Upper Deck

Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses, 1993 Upper Deck Illustration

Names: Bobby Bonilla, Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses

Team: New York Mets

Positions: Outfield, sunglasses

Value of card: One paint stain on your carpet

Key 1992 stats: 128 games played; zero times taken off

Train of thought by V. Wells, Upper Deck checklist artist, from 7:11 to 7:12 p.m., Jan. 4, 1993: "Let's see, Mets, Mets. ... Holy crap look at these sunglasses! So shiny. So manly. So futuristic. I must paint them. They're so graceful! Look at the sleek lines. They're the ultimate in reflection. I bet if I had a pair of these, I'd be more respected as a part-time baseball illustrator! ... Wait, what's this? There's a person in these photos? Damn you, Bobby Bonilla and your veiny arms! I swear by all that is holy on this Earth that I will make those sunglasses mine!"

Update: According to that bastion of information, the Internet, V. Wells, who has done many Upper Deck illustrations, is actually Vernon Wells Sr., father to current Toronto Blue Jays "star" Vernon Wells. Also, he never stole Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses.

Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses, 1993 Upper Deck Illustration

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla
Teams: New York Yankess, New York Mets
Positions: Vegas headliners (offseason only)
Value of card: Two cumberbunds
Key 1991 stat: Two shows a night, except holidays
Dinner and a show: Las Vegas was abuzz in the fall of 1991 when baseball sluggers Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla announced they would spend their offseason putting on a Rat Pack-style show at the recently opened Mirage hotel and casino. But the excitement wore off quickly on opening night, when a drunken Tartabull staggered onto the stage and asked, "What are all you people doing in my room?" Many thought he was stealing Dean Martin's old opening line — until he vomited into the orchestra pit. Tartabull then staggered offstage and Bonilla, wearing a bow tie that looked like it had been stolen off a clown's corpse, took over and told dead baby jokes for the next 20 minutes. Most of the crowd left, demanding a refund; the rest began heckling Bonilla mercilessly. At this point, Tartabull re-emerged, an Old-Fashioned in his hand, and started berating the audience, asking how many of them had ever homered twice, banged a Scores girl and downed a fifth of Tanqueray in one night. Bonilla raised his hand, the pair high-fived and then broke into the finale, a slurred, off-key duet of "New York, New York." The show was cancelled the next morning, but the undeterred duo opted to keep performing, moving the act to a bum-ridden alley near the Pioneer in downtown Vegas.

Card contributed by Clay Deas

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Bobby Cosby Bonilla
Team: New York Mets
Positions: Outfield, team doctor
Value of card: One Cosbylike sweater-shirt
Key 1992 stat: 197 Jello Pudding Pops eaten (spring training only)
The doctor is out: Bobby Bonilla showed up to spring training in 1992 a changed man. It was his first season with New York, and he was coming off a career high in batting average, slugging percentage and 1980s sweaters. The Mets knew they were paying for a heavy hitter; they did not know they were paying for a Bill Cosby impersonator. Bobby Bo, as he's known, greeted all his new teammates at spring training with, "Hey, hey, hey! Flippity-flop, the Jello puddin' pop! I'm Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable." Of course, nobody took him seriously — except the gullible John Franco. Bonilla, or "Cliff," persuaded Franco and his wife to let him deliver their second child, due two months later. Their teammates were incredulous, but the plan probably would have gone ahead as scheduled if not for one thing. Franco and his wife, Rose, had decided to name their unborn son J.J., but Bonilla insisted they name him Theo. The two ballplayers got in a series of fights over the moniker, and the Francos decided to go back to their original doctor. A crushed Bonilla missed three days of practice. Teammate Howard Johnson went to visit Bobby Bo at his apartment, only to find him sitting shirtless, weeping and surrounded by hundreds of empty plastic pudding cups.
Note: Bonilla does actually have legs. He's just wearing invisible pants in this photo.

Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro