Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:

• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Topps

Name: Juan Berenguer
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1991 stat: 212 hours spent laughing
It's time for a hilarious pop quiz:

What's so funny, Juan Berenguer?

(A) "That guy just spent 10 minutes trying to pronounce my name."
(B) "Have you ever heard the 'Juan on, Juan out' joke? Hilarious."
(C) "This mustache is so ticklish!"
(D) "Nothing's funny; just showing off my teeth."
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Topps

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape of the "Top Gun" soundtrack
Key 1986 stat: 17 ladies seduced with this look
Top 10 side gigs for Zane Smith:
10) Swamp gator wrestler
9) Comb tester
8) Totally tubular cool dude
7) Staring contest participant
6) Backup country singer
5) Vidal Sassoon pitchman
4) Racist logo apologist
3) "Melrose Place" extra
2) Mesh model
1) Common baseball card subject

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Greg Olson, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Greg Olson (No, not him. Or him.)
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A dirty camouflage snot rag
Key 1993 stat: Four flat tires
The Legend of Greg Olson: Let's face it, catchers are rarely known for being fleet of foot. Greg Olson was no exception. Balding, thick-legged and carrying a boiler that would have made Greg Luzinski proud, Olson was a rock behind the plate and a boulder on the basepaths. So it was that in 1993, Olson sweet-talked the league into a controversial exception: They let him "run" the bases on a four-wheel ATV. Olson still had to bat normally, standing in the box, his gut bulging over the edge of home plate, but when he made contact, he was allowed to hop on the quad (idling next to him during the at-bat) and motor to first. Predictably, opposing managers pitched a fit, but Olson kept on riding      that is, until he ran over poor John Kruk on a bang-bang play at first in July. Kruk, who was also built like an all-terrain vehicle, shook off the accident, but Commissioner Bud Selig finally saw the potential for danger. Selig banned the ATV from the field of play, but still allowed Olson to ride around the diamond on one of his son's Power Wheels.

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Greg Olson, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Greg Maddux
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: Paint on your carpet
Key 1994 stat: One foot much smaller than the other, apparently
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: A sullen and stranded Greg Maddux waits for rescue while sitting atop a giant dirt clod rising from the ocean at the very edge of the earth. Too depressed to feed himself by trying to grab the fish jumping just inches away from him, Maddux is unaware that he is about to be pummeled by a hailstorm of baseballs as two ships shaped like gigantic Cy Young trophies sail right past him.

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Biff Pocoroba, 1981 Fleer

Name: Biff Pocoroba
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 wispy hairs from that mustache
Key 1980 stat: 22 times said, "We're in Hotlanta," when it was warm outside
Well-earned induction: We here at The Bust would like to welcome Biff Pocoroba to the Name Hall of Fame. Biff joins an exclusive group, which includes the great Rowland Office, the renowned Charles Assmann, the legendary Dick Pole and, of course, Rusty Kuntz. Biff's name doesn't convey sexual innuendo or sound like a law firm, but it is one of the funnest names in the world to say out loud and references the best character in the "Back to the Future" series. (Isn't that right, butthead?) In Spanish, his surname loosely translates to "little steals," which is pretty awesome for a catcher. And, let's be honest, anyone who lets everyone call him "Biff" has earned his spot in the Name Hall of Fame.

Biff Pocoroba, 1981 Fleer

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Avery
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A good amount of cringing
Key career stat: Remembered as "the other guy" from those early-'90s Braves staffs
Let's check off what's going on with this team checklist:

• Just throwing that whole racial aspect right out there for everyone to see: Check
• One arm apparently growing out of Steve Avery's back: Check
• Enough straining of muscles and veins to scar a child for life: Check

Yep, three for three. Excellent work, Upper Deck!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Names: Brandon Puffer, Jung Bong
Teams: Houston Astros, Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Even trade for a 5-sack of bammer
Key 2002 stat: 22,871 stoner fans, combined
It's time for a reefer-fueled edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Name is a marijuana reference (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Name is slang for a marijuana user (Winner: Puffer)
Round 3: Name is slang for marijuana paraphernalia (Winner: Bong)
Round 4: Inclusion on a card that had to have been an inside joke at Topps (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Career that takes a backseat to an awesome name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cooler-sounding full name (Winner: Bong)

Score: Bong 2, Puffer 1, Ties 3

Synopsis: In a dope Matchup that nearly went to pot, Bong smoked Puffer in the end in ironic fashion.

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Name: Rick Mahler
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Rick Mahler-signed baseball (or, zilch)
Key 1982 stat: 621 balls signed (baseballs, sicko)
Selections of Rick Mahler baseball autographs from this signing session:

• "Timmy: You're a huge Braves fan. You might not know this, but I'm a Braves pitcher. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Jenny: Please forgive our intolerably racist mascot logo. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Wes: I'm keeping your ball in my butt pocket for a month or two. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Bobby: I never liked you and your play at third base makes me ill. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Debbie: I saw you at the game. You like this beer-bulge combination? I can tell. I'm in Room 232 at the Holiday Inn. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Johnny: A ballboy actually signed this. Best, Rick Mahler"

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Chris Chambliss
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: No
Key 1981 stat: Zero action (from the ladies)
A handful of things that have more action than the above Chris Chambliss card:

• "The English Patient"
• Sitting
• Watching paint dry
• Watching another person watch paint dry
• Beige
• The Jacksonville Jaguars' offense
• This Rollie Fingers card

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Names: Cesar Jimenez, German Jimenez (actually the same person) 
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Greenville Braves
Positions: Portly pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Caesar dressing
Key 1988-89 stat: Zero haircuts (not counting mustache)
It's a mistaken-identity Matchup: Sure, we're aware that the above two cards both feature pitcher German Jimenez, and that Fleer just got his first name wrong (go figure). But that won't stop us from pitting one chunky man against himself.

Round 1: More masculine mustache (Winner: Cesar)
Round 2: Cooler uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Less racist mascot (Winner: German)
Round 4: Puffier hairdo (Winner: German)
Round 5: Card that vaguely resembles a candy cane (Winner: Cesar)
Round 6: Chins (Winner: German)
Round 7: Worried expression that may portend a dumb mistake on Fleer's part (Winner: Cesar)
Round 8: Insistence upon signing card with his real name (Winner: German)

Final score: German 4, Cesar 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: German survived a blitzkrieg from his made-up counterpart to take a narrow victory. There will be no hailing Cesar, and definitely no hailing Fleer. Real nice work, guys.

Cards submitted by Sean Griffin

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Names: Brian Asselstine, Wayne Gross, Sam Mejias, Alvis Woods
Teams: Braves, A's, Expos, Blue Jays, respectively
Positions: Outfield, all of 'em
Value of card: 1 cent for each player
Key 1976 stat: Hold on. We're still looking. OK, let's just go with "four"
It's time for a four-way edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Last name with an expletive in it (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 2: Last name that's grosser than that expletive (Winner: Gross)
Round 3: Subject of most blown-out and unprofessional photo (Winner: Woods)
Round 4: Most lopsided afro (Winner: Mejias)
Round 5: Angriest black man (Winner: Woods)
Round 6: Angriest Latino (Winner: Mejias)
Round 7: Angriest white dude (Winner: Woods)
Round 8: Most jagged, twisting mullet (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 9: Inclusion on a terrible 1970s baseball card (Winner: All)

Score: Asselstine 2, Gross 2, Mejias 2, Woods 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: After eight equally matched rounds and four equally unremarkable careers, these four fine athletes ended up tied for first and tied together forever on this poor excuse for a bingo card.

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Felix Millan, 1970 Topps

Name: Felix Millan
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: 2B (or, second base)
Value of card: Free newspaper subscription for one month (Sundays through Fridays not included)
Key 1970 stat: One boring all-star card
Journamalism: Newspaper headline writers (yes, there are still a handful of them these days) are tasked with summarizing a full story into just a few words. It's a task that requires thought and time, and it usually takes a few attempts to find the perfect wording. Here are a few headline possibilities that were rejected before this poor imitation of The Sporting News settled on the super-informative "Felix Millan     2B":

• Felix Millan     2 Eyebrows
• Felix Millan     Not the Cat
• Some Guy     2B
• Felix Millan     Smiling?
• Millan Defeats Truman

Felix Millan, 1970 Topps

Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Boston Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: One ha'penny
Key 1924 stat: Frowned upon that new style of music called "jazz"
Tom Glavine's 1920s-era Internet dating profile (yes, we know it doesn't make any sense      have you been here before?):

Screen name: Thomas Michael "Tom" Glavine
Age: A hale 28
Height: 18 hands
Weight: 1.75 hundredweights
Hair color: Tawny
Hairstyle: Slicked back
Ethnicity: American
Religious views: Quaker
Marital status: My parents are still looking for a match
Want children? To pull the plow
Best feature: Stirrups
Smoke? Sure, the doctor says it's healthy
Drink? And how! Er, I mean, I'm no bootlegger!

Seeking: A classy dame
Location: The backseat of my Model T, er, that is, Boston!
Her body type: Corseted
Her ethnicity: Scandalous!

About me: I'm a simple farmer who plays ball during the dog days. I'm looking for a simple doll who isn't afraid to crank up the horseless carriage and hit the road for exotic locales like Cleveland and even St. Louis. I've caroused with my share of flappers, but I believe my speakeasy days are in the past. I'm ready to settle down with a loving bird and do the Lord's work. ... Oh, applesauce, why do I jest? I can't get enough of the hooch and the molls who come with it. Let's you and me get dolled up, get fried, and get some nookie.

Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Tom Glavine, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 4)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Ace, left wing
Value of card: 2 pounds of Zamboni sludge
Key 1991 stat: 14 calls for icing
It's time for a one-man, two-sport edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Penchant to get involved in a "two-on-one" (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 2: Disgust at eating a moose and maple syrup sandwich (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sweet turtleneck that allows for mullet tucking (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 5: Footwear that makes him a bit taller around the ladies (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 6: Nose for the crease, so to speak (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 7: Longer stick (Winner: Hockey Glavine)

Score: Hockey Glavine 4, Baseball Glavine 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: It was a close Matchup when Canadian Hockey Glavine took on his clone, Atlanta Baseball Glavine, but, in the end, Hockey Glavine ended up with a powerplay while Baseball Glavine spent two minutes in the box for getting embarrassed.

Tom Glavine, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 4)

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Gerald Perry
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: One of those blue arrows, jabbed in your eye
Key 1988 stat: Name was still better than "Gaylord"
Yep, that's disturbing all right: Gah, we can't even look at this card for very long. Maybe it's the way Perry's right eye points down while his left eye points up. Maybe it's the way the "A" on his hat is pointed right at us even though the hat brim is clearly cocked slightly to one side. Or maybe it's the rape stare that our friend Perez made Gerald Perry wear. Whatever it is, we're going to go huddle under our blankets until you move on to the next card. Hurry!

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Chipper Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Name: Chipper Jones
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: A chip in your windshield
Key 1991 stat: Not yet retired
Today's fashion model: Here we see a dapper, young Chipper Jones looking even sharper than the cactus spines that are about to pierce his bare calves. Chipper is sporting a tasteful, pinstriped Cheetah brand long-sleeve button-down to go with his Canyon River Blues dress shorts. His woven leather belt may seem inappropriately shaped, but not after you realize it's only pointing to his sparkling new Nike sneakers and scrunched-down, knee-length tube socks. Chipper is looking quite chipper indeed, having folded at least a hint of an arch into the Braves ballcap the photographer handed him just minutes earlier. That prickly pear may be flowering, but it's Chipper's wardrobe that is truly in bloom.

Chipper Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Name: Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Your life flashing before your eyes
Key 1980 stat: Beard made of demon souls
Answer this question, if you dare: What is Al Hrabosky thinking about in this photo?

A) Murder
B) Slaying
C) Homicide
D) Killing
E) What are you still doing here? Run for your damn life, you fool!

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Bob Horner, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Bob Horner
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: Neck roll sweat
Key 1983 stat: 219 sunburns
A Christmas present for the kiddies: And now, The Bust presents the classic children's rhyme, "Little Bob Horner."

Little Bob Horner
Was drawn in the corner
By some untalented guy
But Big Bob was livid
His anger was vivid
He punched Perez right in the eye

Bob Horner, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Second base, about to get strangled by a snake
Value of card: 1 square inch of shedded snake skin from 1984
Key 1983 stat: Scared 15,920 children
Nothing to see here: In 1983, the Atlanta Braves went all out to celebrate all-star second baseman Glenn Hubbard's birthday. Before a road game in Philadelphia, the Braves enlisted the help of the Phillie Phanatic, a homeless man in a Barney Rubble costume, the Fleer photography staff, the Eastern Seaboard's best balloon "artist" and a snake handler named Xeres to honor their hirsute teammate. The festivities were going fine until Xeres placed a 12-foot-long boa constrictor on Hubbard's shoulders. The second baseman stood petrified, his beady eyes crying for help while he put on his best smile for the Fleer photographer. But things took a turn for the ugly when the boa mistook Hubbard's sizable beard and hairstyle for another reptile and mated with his face. Both terrified and aroused, Hubbard lost consciousness and had to be revived by the Phanatic, who threw a bucket of confetti on him.

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer