Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Saddle sores
Key 1994 stat: Never removed his helmet
Ten confusing things about this Troy Aikman card:

10) It's daytime on the left, but nighttime on the right, making him some sort of time lord.
9) He's wearing a saddle blanket as a toga.
8) Rather than burning his blanket-toga, the fire at his feet is turning into delicious weightless liquid cheese.
7) He's not eating the delicious floating cheese.
6) His throne has to be the least comfortable seat in the West.
5) Those little cowboy statues have giant footballs for hands.
4) It's unclear whether his helmet is translucent or just really well polished.
3) It looks like he's been using his sparkly rings to reflect sunlight and tan his face a deep, leathery brown.
2) His kingdom's flag appears to be in Packers colors.
1) It's unclear whether he brought enough peyote to share with the rest of us.

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Wesley Person, 1996-97 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)

Name: Wesley Person
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Guard
Value of card: One dollar, ripped into 11 pieces and thrown in the pool
Key 1996-97 stat: Zero shots made underwater
Zing go the strings: Another season of dunks, flops and depressed Knicks fans is nearing its conclusion. To celebrate, we're bringing you seven more ludicrous basketball cards to match the number of steps LeBron can take before the refs call him for traveling. We'd say "Enjoy!" but that's probably a reach.
The wisdom of Upper Deck: As noted on the above card, Wesley Person could make jumpers in any kind of environment, apparently including while wearing a basketball uniform underwater. Here are a few shots of Person in assorted environments that didn't make the cut for this card.

• Inside a meat locker, with a basketball made of meat
• In space, with Patrick Ewing defending him
• While being severely burned by a flamethrower
• While being chased by a pack of hungry Arctic wolves
• Inside a hockey rink, taking a Steve Nash slapshot to the groin

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wesley Person, 1996-97 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Radiation poisoning
Key 1990 stat: Cocaine was a hell of a drug
An illustrative pop quiz: What's the deal with Straw's bat?

A) You see, the artist was indicating that the bat was a nuclear weapon, representing Darryl's power. Silly.
B) It wasn't the first time Strawberry was associated with lines.
C) Who cares? What I want to know is why is the moon in so many of these stupid cards?
D) It burns! IT BURNS!
E) No, but really, it's A.

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Ricky Watters, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 174)

Name: Ricky Watters
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Running back
Value of card: Two drops of irrigation water
Key 1994 stat: Hated getting his socks wet
A matter of faith: Yep, that's Ricky Watters walking, er, make that running on water in the above illustration. Here are some other miracles the halfback performed.

• Turned orange Gatorade into wine-flavored Gatorade
• Turned a dead ball into a live ball
• Made the scales fall from a referee's eyes
• Drank all the wine-flavored Gatorade and arose three days later, albeit with cottonmouth and a headache

Ricky Watters, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 174)

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One end zone seat approximately half a mile from the field
Key 1994 stat: 104 pounds of delicious barbecued meat eaten
Ummmm: Why is Joe Montana so happy?

A) Because he just threw a wedge of Swiss cheese shaped and painted like the Chiefs logo.
B) Because it's raining Gobstoppers.
C) Because he's delighted that the shadow of the goalpost is falling in a completely different direction than the shadow of his arm.
D) Because that little half-size upright is hilarious.
E) Because the artist who drew this card shared some of what he was smoking.

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Stan. Mikita
Team: Team Canada
Position: Giant floating head
Value of card: 19 maple leaves
Key 1972-73 stat: Made all the ladies swoon. All of 'em.
Five bits of information we can glean from this expertly designed hockey card:

1) Stan Mikita was approximately 58 years old at the time of this photo. What's that? He was actually 33? Sweet Jeebus!
2) His head was like Sputnik: spherical, but quite pointy in parts. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
3) He always said his name as though it were two sentences. "Stan." (pause) "Mikita."
4) His hairstyle defied every law of physics known to mankind.
5) The dimple in his right cheek was so deep that it contained, among other things, his wallet, his bicycle and the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Jamal Mashburn, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 6)

Name: Jamal Mashburn
Team: Dallas Mavericks
Position: Small forward
Value of card: Five chess pieces carved from petrified cow dung
Key 1994-95 stat: Zero games of chess won against computer (Difficulty: Easy)
Love is a punderful thing: Jamal Mashburn may have been a king on the court early in his career, but he was a total square when it came to the ladies. He tried every gambit he could think of in his efforts to find a mate, but all his ploys were put in check, leaving him alone to buff the bishop. His teammates showed no sympathy for his lack of game, asking him, "Hey, rook, what are you, some kind of queen?" Depressed, Mashburn pawned off nearly all of his belongings and took the money to his local watering hole      a move that would change everything. Around closing time, he finally met his match: a woman as down on her luck as he was. And so it was that Jamal Mashburn finally got a piece, all thanks to a one-knight stand.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Jamal Mashburn, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 6)

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Gary Pettis
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 cents (or sixth sense?)
Key 1988 stat: 12 patents on time machine
Our minds, blown: Hold on. Wait just a minute. So, Gary Pettis is holding an Upper Deck card and — for the love of all that is holy — it's the back of this very card? How in the name of below-average 1980s major league speedsters is that possible? He's breaking the laws of physics. He's bending the space-time continuum. He's mastering a card trick the world has never seen. This is Gary Pettis looking at a photo of Gary Pettis while also looking into the future of Gary Pettis. Or is he looking back to the future? Or are we imagining that we're seeing a minuscule reflection of the back of the card on the front of the card because we took a few too many sips of the "herbal" tea? Not sure, but if that other card he's holding is his 1990 Upper Deck, we're going to need a new pair of shorts.

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Name: Joe Torre As Player, Joe Torre As Manager
Teams: Milwaukee Braves, New York Mets
Positions: As Player, As Manager
Value of card: Three overexposed negatives
Key 1977 stat: Four letters of childlike cursive written on his own card
It's time for a then-and-now battle in The Matchup:

Round 1: Face only a mother could love (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Resemblance to great mediocre ape (Winner: As Manager)
Round 3: Butt chin prominence (Winner: As Player)
Round 4: Raccoon eyes (Winner: As Player)
Round 5: Wings that could fly that massive dome around the world (Winner: As Manager)
Round 6: 2 o'clock shadow like it's 11 o'clock (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ability to bench the other if the laws of physics are broken and the space-time continuum ceases to exist (Winner: As Manager)

Score: As Manager 3, As Player 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: Given that this was Joe Torre squaring up against Joe Torre, it's no surprise the battle was close. But in the end, the Hall of Fame manager outshined his younger self with a heaping helping of face and hair handles that just won't quit.

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Keith Comstock, 1989 ProCards

Name: Keith Comstock
Team: Las Vegas Stars
Positions: Pitcher, fetal (in about three seconds)
Value of card: A twig and two berries
Key 1988 stat: Glued a baseball to his crotch for a photo shoot
Here's a question for you: What was Keith Comstock saying when this photo was taken?

A) "ARRRRGGGHHH!! Right in the fungo!"
B) "OHHHHHHH!! My giblets!"
C) "OOOOFFFFF!! 'Protective' cup, my ass!"
D) "GUUUUUUUH!! Why did I even bring a glove if I'm not going to use it?"
E) "Las Vegas Stars, 1988 PCL champions, WOOOOO!!"

Keith Comstock, 1989 ProCards

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: If a loaf of bread is a nickel and a Coca-Cola costs 1 cent, it's less than worthless
Key 1901 stat: 345 games played before World War I
Where he's going, he doesn't need roads: One moment, Dmitri Young was playing in a game against the Indians in 2001. The next moment, the delicate balance between time and space was thrown off and Young was teleported to 1901, when many Indians still hunted bison in their native lands. Here he was, playing vintage "base ball" in an unfamiliar time against such players as Big Ed Delahanty, Turkey Stearns, Orator Jim O'Rourke, Amos "The Hoosier Thunderbolt" Rusie and Cyclone Joe Williams. These players had never seen a competitor like Young, a man with so much power, so much swagger, and so much necklace. Young played against these great athletes, dominating with every swing of the bat, every throw in the field. He would score many an "ace" (run), imploring the "cranks" (fans) to yell "Huzzah!" (hooray!) He was the ultimate "muckle" (power hitter) who thrilled the throngs with four-basers (home runs). But it wasn't his play that became his legacy; it was his role as the inventor of the afro that earned him timeless credit.

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

J.T. Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 5)

Name: J.T. Smith
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Half off gravity
Key 1991 stat: Unable to jump this high
Time for a shameful pop quiz: What's veteran receiver J.T. Smith doing in this photo?

A) Showing off his supersized jungle gym
B) Must. Stay. Off. The lava!!!
C) Trying to do a better job of defying gravity than he did of defying age
D) Making a damn fool of himself
E) C and D

J.T. Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 5)

Alejandro Peña, Kent Mercker, Mark Wohlers, 1992 Donruss Highlights

Names: Alejandro Peña, Kent Mercker, Mark Wohlers
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: A glass of spoiled milk, on its side
Key 1991 stats: Combined to pitch no-hitter, combined to eat a 3-gallon bucket of chili
It's The Matchup: Donruss was so confused by this trio of throwers that it didn't even know how to orient their card. Let's try to make some sense out of who's who here.

Round 1: Name misspelled on card (Winner: Mercker)
Round 2: Refusal to look at the camera (Winner: Peña)
Round 3: Looks the drunkest (Winner: Peña)
Round 4: Actually the drunkest (Winner: Mercker)
Round 5: Face proximity to Mercker's bulge (Winner: Wohlers)
Round 6: Resemblance to a 14-year-old boy (Winner: Wohlers)
Round 7: Masculine mustache (Winner: Peña)
Round 8: Didn't shave because he forgot it was photo day (Winner: Mercker)
Round 9: Sacked up and pitched a solo no hitter later in his career (Winner: Mercker)

Final score: Mercker 4, Peña 3, Wohlers 2

Synopsis: Kent Mercker actually goes the distance this time, turning his two relievers on their sides in this Matchup. Still, would it have hurt him to shave? Sheesh.

Alejandro Peña, Kent Mercker, Mark Wohlers, 1992 Donruss Highlights

Patrick Ewing, 1993-94 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Patrickman, aka Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Knicks
Positions: Center, flying through future space
Value of card: Space junk
Key 1993-94 stat: Hem of shorts higher than crotch of shorts
Another literal translation: Because there's no way to tell exactly what is supposed to be happening in this illustration of "Patrickman," here's our best guess. Patrickman lived on a red sun that had clouds made of popcorn and was inhabited by those things from "The Matrix." The only way to defeat these sentient machines was to make a 1-foot jump shot in outer space. Should he do this, he would have his pick of green planets on which he could live out his days in peace. However, the machines tried everything they could to prevent his escape, including ripping his shorts up so high that they could give him a colonoscopy. Did Patrickman make this close-range shot? Let's just say that those tentacles made it up to his neck.

Patrick Ewing, 1993-94 NBA Hoops (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 3)

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 110)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: You know how much oxygen is in space? That much money.
Key 1991 stat: They were all out of this world
Breaking down this Randall Cunningham card by the numbers:

3: Nondescript planets that look about as dead as the Eagles' current season
3 (again): Footballs, two of which don't appear to be obeying any laws of physics
2: Towels hanging from Cunningham's belt, tastefully covering his bulge
6: Faraway galaxies seen. Whoops, make that five. One of them is just some Parmesean cheese we spilled on the card.
1: Huge cobweb that Cunningham is trapped in. Hopefully his helmet and pads will protect him from the giant space spider that made that thing.

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 110)

Kevin Johnson, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Vision (NBA Draft Week No. 3)

Name: Kevin Johnson
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Point guard
Value of card: Four, maybe five cacti
Key 1992-93 stat: One teammate who looked like a serial killer
Clearing up some rumors about Kevin Johnson:

• KJ did not do the robot with his free arm while dribbling. That would be ridiculous.
• KJ did not have a flaming basketball in place of his left hand. Though, that would be awesome.
• KJ did, in fact, have a tiny little mustache. It notched 200 assists in 1992-93.
• KJ did not play basketball on a football field. That would be impossible.
• KJ did not play basketball outside in Phoenix. It's, like, 130 degrees there, isn't it?
• KJ did, in fact, become mayor of Sacramento, Calif., largely thanks to the anti-Olajuwon vote.

Kevin Johnson, 1992-93 Fleer Pro-Vision (NBA Draft Week No. 3)

Steve Tasker, 1993 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 71)

Name: Steve Tasker
Team: Buffalo Bills
Positions: Special teams, wide receiver
Value of card: A series of boring dreams
Key 1993 stat: A bunch of punts covered
What it means to be Steve Tasker:

Special teams expert
That's like being an expert at growing grass
Everyone knows they're supposed be impressed, but
Very few people give a crap —
Even Mrs. Tasker

Tumbled from the ugly tree
And hit every branch on the way down
Seems to be emerging from a rip in the time-space continuum on the above card
Keeps trying to grow chest hair, but it just isn't working
Even though those neck flaps look like gills, he can't actually breathe under water
Resembles the lady at Walmart who rang up our groceries the other day

Steve Tasker, 1993 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 71)

B.J. Surhoff, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: B.J. (snicker) Surhoff
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One sexy first name
Key 1992 stat: Ran the 40 in 1.3 seconds
One fast B.J.: I remember watching B.J. Surhoff play. I remember laughing a little every time his name was uttered over the airwaves. I even heckled him one time in person when he was with the Orioles. But I don't remember him being faster than light. Look at that motion blur! He must have gotten out of his crouch before the batter was done swinging. Of course, we all know how hard it is to capture B.J.s on film, so it's possible Topps set up a motion-sensing camera outside Surhoff's home, hoping to catch an unsuspecting B.J. before he shot out of the frame.

B.J. Surhoff, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Fleer Ultra

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One burned baseball
Key 1992 stat: 1,930,217 times uttered the word "Whoa!"
Clearing up some rumors about Andy Van Slyke:

• Van Slyke was not killed by a falling meteor during a game. He was merely injured by one.
• Van Slyke's face did not freeze that way after making this face.
• Van Slyke did not start all 162 games in 1992. He did, however, start all of his games falling-down drunk.
• Van Slyke does not have gills. It just looks like it in the above photo.
• Andy Van Slyke is, in fact, an anagram for naked navy sly.

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Fleer Ultra

Doug Jones, 1991 Score

Name: Doug Jones
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Closer
Value of card: Six-pack of Bic lighters
Key 1990 stat: 74 third-degree burns
How about a little fire, scarecrow? Doug Jones was a fireballer, by which I mean he would actually light baseballs on fire before throwing them. He singed his mustache constantly and once turned his mullet into a smoldering, greasy mess. Catcher Sandy Alomar was terrified whenever the Tribe would head to the ninth with a slim lead. He would wrap his mitt in asbestos just to make sure it didn't catch aflame. Jones was fined a then-record $800,000 in June 1990 when he threw a flaming fastball at George "Jorge" Bell's head. The beanball missed, but got close enough to turn Bell's Jheri curl into a head torch. In other words, nobody liked Doug Jones.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Doug Jones, 1991 Score