George Brett, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: Half an ounce of cork
Key 1986 stat: More crevasses in face than in Grand Canyon
Closing a week of yule tide with a baffling background: The Donruss Diamond King cards are infamous for their backgrounds, from the nonsensical to the just plain boring. But what the heck is that thing on this card?

A) A blanket of flattened tennis balls
B) A green monster
C) A piece of soundproof padding from Mr. Brett's "cursing room"
D) The seventh dimension
E) A swath of the Royals' artificial turf

George Brett, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Potsition: First base
Value of card: Ten shots of tequila, regurgitated
Key 1989 stat: Patchy stubble
George Brett's train of thought, 11:02 to 11:04 a.m., March 7, 1990: "Damn these Florida beaches and their enticing blend of tequila and samba. ... Wait, today's baseball card photo day? Crap, I'm sweating like Cecil Fielder in a sauna. I didn't shave, I haven't showered in three days and I'm so hungover right now, the sky looks purple. ... Phew, it's only the crappy insert cards they're shooting today. Nobody will ever see these and distribute them on a poorly written and produced electronic medium two decades from now. ...  Hey, if these guys are going to smudge out the logo on my hat, maybe they can get rid of the bags under my eyes and the dried puke on my collar. Maybe I won't look like America's swarthiest man, after all!"

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

George Brett, 1993 Pinnacle Now & Then

Names: Old George Brett, Young George Brett

Teams: Kansas City Royals

Positions: First base, third base

Value of card: Not sure, but it depreciates with age

Key 1992 stat: Three decades with mediocre team

It's time for a Kansas City edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Homeless kid hair (Winner: Young Brett)

Round 2: Face crevasses (Winner: Old Brett)

Round 3: Ability to grow eyebrows (Winner: Young Brett)

Round 4: Two first names, aka likelihood of subversive behavior (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Massive teeth gap (Winner: Young Brett)

Round 6: Abundance of moles (Winner: Young Brett)

Round 7: Hat from a toilet (Winner: Young Brett)

Round 8: Ability to look at camera (Winner: Old Brett)

Round 9: Freakish resemblance to Dale Murphy (Winner: Young Brett)

Score: Young Brett 6, Old Brett 2, Ties 1

Synopsis:
Dale MurphyYoung George Brett proves age ain't nothing but a number in his shellacking of his older self, whose orangish glow can't overcome a boy who excelled in special-education classes.

George Brett, 1993 Pinnacle Now & Then