Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Gorman Thomas, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An empty six-pack of Milwaukee's Best
Key 1981 stat: Clothed a family of four with his mustache
Is Gorman Thomas having a medical emergency? Right now? No. He's clearly happy, maybe because it's such a joy to live in Milwaukee, maybe because it's been eight months to the day since he last had a haircut, or maybe because Bernie Brewer has bought the last three rounds. But he is not in need of medical attention      right now. In a few years, though, when he begins to morph into a Saint Bernard dog? It would probably be a good idea.

Gorman Thomas, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Bill Wegman, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Bill Wegman
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 pieces of gum stuck under a stadium seat
Key 1988 stat: Zero games viewed from the dugout
It's time for another exciting pop quiz:

Why was Bill Wegman sitting in the stands?

(A) He had a smart, smart manager.
(B) Brewers management would try anything to increase attendance.
(C) He figured, "What the hell? I won't be pitching anyway."
(D) He'd do anything for an $8 beer.
(E) All of the above.

Bill Wegman, 1989 Upper Deck

John Jaha, 1998 Donruss

Name: John Jaha
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: First base
Value of card: 4 dirty diapers
Key 1997 stat: 4 dirty diapers changed
It's time for a baby-vs.-baseball player edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Often threw up when burped (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes dressed by others in ridiculous outfits (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Usually spoke in unintelligible sounds (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Known to fill a diaper with something nauseating (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Had adorable, pinchable thighs (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Failure to field his position (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: A fan favorite (Winner: Baby)

Score: Baby 1, Jaha 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: In a contest between baby and beer-bellied baseball player, the pudgy, cooing, often stinky entrant couldn't pull out the victory.

John Jaha, 1998 Donruss

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Edgar Diaz
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 gum balls (chewed)
Key 1990 stat: 162 games spent daydreaming in the dugout
Let's see what Edgar Diaz stands for:

Eyes were covered by a vending machine purchase
Dollar shades, $5 haircut
Glasses blocked out the sun — and the ridicule of the masses
Arrived at the decision to gaze at the clouds when he couldn't look himself in the mirror
Radical look? Not so much

Didn't realize he was soon to be nominated for "Coolest Dude on the Brewers"
Incidentally, he stole these shades from a 6-year-old
Awful look in 1991, but a stylish hipster in 2014
Zero chance his teammates let him live down this card

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps

Name: Pete Vuckovich
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher, swamp cooler repairman
Value of card: One copy of "Major League" on VHS (with no VCR to play it)
Key 1983 stat: Enough hair to clothe a third-world country
The joke's on us: Dear readers (yes, all eight of you), we owe you an apology. It has come to our attention that early in our run of mediocrity, we passed on to you some bad information. You see, Pete Vuckovich here was featured on the second card we ever posted on this site, and the story that accompanied it, it turns out, was blatantly false. Pete was never a swamp cooler repairman; in fact, his major league career lasted 11 season and he even won the Cy Young! That'll teach us to believe everything we hear from Bob Uecker.

Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps

Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The foam from a blown keg of Keystone Light
Key 1980 stat: Made 48 tacky jokes involving his initials and a bra cup size
Here's what Dick Davis stands for:

Didn't get on the field very often...
Instead you could most often find him staring longingly, standing on the dugout steps
Correct, his eyebrows are indeed a mirror image of his mustache
Killer afro on that lady in the front row

Don't think we've ever seen a man make an elastic waistband look so good
After Milwaukee gave up on him, he played for three teams in 1982
Vacant gaze was his calling card...
It certainly wasn't his baseball talent
Sleeves were longer than his playing career

Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Don Sutton
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Ace
Value of card: We'll trade you this card for two of this card, because, hey, it doesn't really matter
Key 1984 stat: 19 wrinkles drawn
Let's see what Don Sutton stands for:

Dude rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
Oscar Gamble would be proud.
Never met a curling iron he didn't use.

Suspicions of HGH (hair growth hormone) were rampant.
Under that hat, more curls!
Tiny Sutton seems to have a weight problem that Big Sutton doesn't have.
That poor Tiny Sutton is getting swallowed in the 'fro puff.
Only player to keep spare baseballs under his hair.
Never underestimate the illustrated bulge.

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Robin Yount and Pete Vuckovich, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Robin Yount and Pete Vuckovich
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Shortstop and pitcher
Value of card: 1 can of warm Schlitz
Key 1981 stat: 2 times voted Milwaukee's Sexiest Bachelor (combined)
It's time for an old Milwaukee edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache, boss-ness (Winner: Vuckovich)
Round 2: Mustache, smoothness (Winner: Yount)
Round 3: Mullet, length (Winner: Vuckovich)
Round 4: Mullet, curliness (Winner: Yount)
Round 5: Neck, girth (Winner: Vuckovich)
Round 6: Neck, muscle definition (Winner: Yount)
Round 7: Photo, sharpness (Winner: Vuckovich)

Score: Vuckovich 4, Yount 3

Synopsis: With a couple of brewskis on the line, Vuckovich outlasts the the Hall of Famer with an assist from a (surprise!) competent professional Topps photographer.

Robin Yount and Pete Vuckovich, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One hateful scowl
Key 1978 stat: Voted most luxurious hair in the greater Milwaukee area
Clearing up some rumors about Gorman Thomas:

• Gorman Thomas was not constantly angry. He just lacked the facial muscles needed to smile.
• Gorman Thomas was not afraid to show some skin. He was afraid to wear any color except blue, however.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in fact, know what a "Gorman" was either.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in his later years, intentionally begin to resemble a St. Bernard dog. But he did wear a barrel of booze around his neck at times.
• Gorman Thomas' hair was not more impressive than his baseball talent. His ability to eat pickled eggs, however, was legendary.

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Name: Charlie Moore
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: More than nothing? Doubtful
Key 1980 stat: Squinted 75 percent of the time
Things Charlie could have used Moore of:

• Hair
• Baseball acumen
• Deodorant
• Friends
• Good life choices

Things Charlie could have used less of:

• Waking up on the lawn
• Passed balls
• Rejection
• Crippling self-doubt
• Beard lice

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Ted Simmons, 1983 Milton Bradley Championship Baseball (Reader Appreciation Week No. 4)

Name: Ted Simmons
Team: Milwaukee Brewers, Team Hot Dog on a Stick
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Ink stains on your new shirt
Key 1982 stat: Won 719 staring contests
Rewriting history: Ted Simmons played for the Milwaukee Brewers in the early 1980s, a team that never, not even once, sported a cap that looked like the one above. Ah, the miracle of airbrushing. However, this particular artist, employed by the nation's premiere board-game maker, didn't stop at the hat. Here are some other ways in which this airbrusher went too far:

• Ted Simmons' jersey had a yellow stripe on the collar, not a red one.
• Ted Simmons' mullet has been mysteriously chopped down to size.
• Only through the magic of airbrushing could Ted Simmons' five-o'clock shadow be removed.
• The real Ted Simmons wore glasses.
• Ted Simmons was actually black.

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

Ted Simmons, 1983 Milton Bradley Championship Baseball (Reader Appreciation Week No. 4)

Larry Hisle, 1981 Donruss

Name: Larry Hisle
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 Schlitz cans
Key 1980 stat: 11 Schlitz cans consumed after the game
Here's what Larry Hisle stands for:

Ladies, I see you looking.
Are you impressed yet?
Rarely is a man this well-endowed.
Right in your face, looking back at you.
Yes, it's real.

Hard to avert your gaze.
Intentionally bold, intentionally yours.
Slightly curved, at times.
Long, strong and down to get the friction on.
Everybody knows I'm talking about my mustache, right?

Larry Hisle, 1981 Donruss

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Take the number of letters in his first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:

• Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
• Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
• Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
• Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
• Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

Name: Eduardo Rodriguez
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A piece of bratwurst, dropped on the sidewalk
Key 1978 stat: No hat worn for more than five minutes at a time
Real nice, Eduardo: Eduardo Rodriguez hated hats. Ballcaps, derbies, Stetsons      it didn't matter, he despised them all. Sure, he would wear a garbage bag for an undershirt, just as long as he didn't have to don a cap. When he was forced to wear a Brewers hat during games per league rules, he would take it off between pitches and, if the batter struck the ball, he would knock his hat off as though trying desperately to make a defensive play      even if the ball was fouled back into the stands. When umpires or coaches would try to make him keep his cap on, Rodriguez would take it off, point to his hair, say "My head's already warm enough, chief," and then shake his head back and forth, spraying everyone with sweat and loose follicles. It was truly a disgusting display.

Eduardo Rodriguez, 1979 Topps

George Scott, 1977 Topps

Name: George Scott
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: First base
Value of card: One tooth filling (composite, not gold)
Key 1976 stat: One instance of signing his name with his left hand and with his eyes closed
The Legend of George Scott: George Scott was a heckofa baseball player at the plate and in the field. He hit for power and won Gold Gloves. But this burly man didn't hone his skills on a neighborhood diamond. He built up the muscles that supplied his power by wrestling grizzly bears, moose and, once, a 1,300-pound manatee with a mean streak. Scott sharpened his reflexes by chasing down foxes, snatching falcons from the air and catching flying fish in his teeth. He didn't take for granted the animals he hunted and killed. He honored their spirits but consuming every part of them, save for one tooth each. After the kill, he'd clean the tooth and attach it to a necklace he never took off, even during games. Over the years, Scott's skills on the diamond tapered off. A few scouts believed this could have been due, in part, to the 70-pound elephant tusk hanging from his neck.

George Scott, 1977 Topps

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Reggie Cleveland
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An empty can of Old Milwaukee
Key 1980 stat: Not yet mentioned in Bill Simmons' column
Fun facts about pitcher Reggie Cleveland and the city of Cleveland, Ohio:

• The city of Cleveland lies on the shore of Lake Erie. Reggie Cleveland has passed out on the shore after drinking too many brewskis.
• The city of Cleveland once saw the Cuyahoga River light on fire. Reggie Cleveland once lit his own flatulence on fire.
• The city of Cleveland is the 45th-largest city in the U.S. Reggie Cleveland had the fourth- or fifth-largest beer gut among the Brewers.
• The city of Cleveland has been called "The Cleve." Reggie Cleveland has been called "The Creep."
• Summers in the city of Cleveland are hot and humid. So are Reggie Cleveland's armpits.
• The city of Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Reggie Cleveland has been to his share of KISS concerts, but will certainly never be in the Hall of Fame.

 

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Name: Robin Yount
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, dirt bike racer
Value of card: The dirt left in Yount's bike tires
Key 1991 stat: 118 airs caught
Script from Honda Powersports dirt bike commercial, circa 1992: "Whoooaa! Howdy, sports fans! This is Robin Yount, the most extreme baseball player who ever played the game and yelled all his sentences! (shot of Yount taking a bite out of a baseball) You know I like it to tear it up! I like to ride hard (shot of Yount riding a bike) and party harder! Woo-hooo! But I never mix riding and partying, because that would be a strikeout. (shot of Yount swinging, missing, falling down) Just kidding! I'm all about getting on my Honda dirt bike with 10 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka in my gut and two beers in my pockets* and hitting some jumps! Get some air, scabs, and get yourself a Honda dirt bike! Wooooo-hoooo!"

* Robin Yount and Honda in no way endorse drinking and riding (unless it's with your sister. Hey-o!).

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Rob Deer, 1986 Topps

Name: Rob Deer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six deer pellets
Key 1985 stat: Four months of hunting season
Hope you're hungry, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook steamed Rob venison

212 lbs. freshly cleaned Rob venison
14 oz. unkempt mullet mane
6 tbsp. bourbon-infused cheeks
4 pinches unseasoned chin
2 tsp. lip sweaters
Dash of pun

Gently rub the freshly cleaned Rob venison until tender. Add dash of pun. Giggle. Combine venison with mullet mane and toss. Add bourbon-infused cheeks, unseasoned chin and lip sweaters. Boil water. Place venison mixture in massive colander and affix loose-fitting lid. Wait. Wait. Wait. When Rob venison is steamed, run away.

Rob Deer, 1986 Topps

Ricky Bones, 1994 Studio

Name: Ricky Bones
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Pitcher, chin in hand
Value of card: A delicious rack of baby back ribs, without the meat
Key 1993 stat: 730 mustache grooming sessions
Ricky Bones' online dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: DemBones69
Age: 25
Height: 5' 10 1/2"
Weight: 175
Hair: Sculpted
Ethnicity: Puertorriqueño
Relationship status: Single-ish
Want children? Who wouldn't want some little Bones?
Best feature: Here's a hint: It gives free rides
Religious views: My mullet is pretty miraculous
Smoke? No way am I polluting my hair with that smell
Drink? I live in Milwaukee. What do you think?

Seeking: Are there any other Puerto Ricans in Milwaukee? Please?
Her body type: Dairy-free
Her best feature: Mustache. Oh wait, that's me again.
Location: Your place, my place, the dugout      wherever

About me: Hi ladies, my name is Ricky. Ricky Bones. That's right, Bones. Uh-huh, yeah. As you can see in my profile picture above, I'm a sophisticated, thinking man who knows how to flatten a mustache and curl a mullet. I could curl your toes, too, if you like. What's that? You want to know what that jersey is in the background? Well, I hate to brag, but I make a living playing baseball for the Milwaukee Brewers. Sure, we lost 93 games last year, but only 11 of those were my fault. Enough about work, let's talk about love. I can picture us now, lying in front of a roaring fireplace on a cow-skin rug, running our fingers through each other's luxurious hair, sipping the finest Old Milwaukee that can be had from the corner store. You'll play shy at first, but let's be honest. We're both looking forward to the same thing: the night when Ricky Bones you.

Ricky Bones, 1994 Studio