John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One free spin class
Key 1992 stat: Two creamy thighs
Here's what John Elway stands for:

Join a gym already, buddy
Oh, and maybe get a tan, too?
How many plants do you have in that "exercise room" anyway?
Nowadays, they grow different vegetation in Colorado, amirite?

Exercise cycle from the '90s or arcade version of "Excite Bike"?
Little blue tiles are easier to look at than those little blue shorts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is the move of a champion
Always a fan of the mini-mullet
Yes, Elway still rides that same bike to this very day

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Position: Quarterback Outfield
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Names: Dave, left, and Doug Widell
Team: Denver Broncos
Positions: Tackle (Dave), guard (Doug)
Value of card: Three rubber pieces from a ripped-apart racquetball
Key 1990 stat: 22 times they shaved each other's faces
It's time for another brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Belief that sleeves are for suckas (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Penchant for wearing sister's shorts (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Mad racquetball skills (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Desire to get sweaty, stay sweaty, live sweaty (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sweet high-tops, bro (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Life spent in the shadows (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Hair (Winner: Doug Widell)

Score: Doug 1, Dave 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have two brothers who are this similar, you're going to have a close contest. But Doug shined, mainly because his brother's head did too.

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Name: Lyle Alzado
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 82 piles of bronco leavings
Key 1971 stat: Always a little gassy
Hope you're hungry, because it's recipe time: Here's how to make a delicious meal of fettucine Alzado.

200 pounds of Adam Richman, the guy from "Man Vs. Food"
100 pounds of Chunk from "The Goonies"
1 pound of cold, wet noodles
82 cups of heavy cream
82 cups of grated Parmesan cheese
82 syringes of anabolic steroids

Mix all the ingredients together on a well-worn high school football field, then serve it to a bunch of sweaty offensive linemen. Note that they will likely suffer gastrointestinal issues, because no lineman can fully contain fettucine Alzado.

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

John Elway, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 9)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos (in case you couldn't read any of his clothing)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Horse manure
Key 1991 stat: A mile high
Things to do in Denver when you're John Elway: How passionate was John Elway about the Denver Broncos? He was so passionate, he used spray-tan solely because it turned his skin orange. He was so passionate, he had plastic surgery to make himself look more like a horse. He was so passionate, he refused to call his wife anything but his "little filly." He was so passionate, he grew out his mullet until it looked just like a horse's mane. He was so passionate, he actually nailed his shoes to his feet. He was so passionate, he told teammates to jump on his back just so he could try to throw them off. In fact, John Elway was so doggone passionate about the Denver Broncos, he drank an Orange Crush, watched an episode of "Mr. Ed" and drove O.J.'s getaway vehicle all at the same time!

John Elway, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 9)

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Name: Steve "The Bandit" Atwater
Team: Denver Bron-crones
Position: Defensive back
Fright value of card: Two finger guns, neither pointed at you
Key 1994 splat: More blue fringe than has ever been necessary
Closing another week of terror: Here we are, four days after Halloween, which means the kids have all gotten over their stomach aches and the costumes have all been pushed to the back of the closet, never to be worn again. Let's celebrate with one more horrific example of mid-1990s sports cards, shall we?

What segment of the population is most frightened by this card?

A) Children
B) Actual cowboys
C) Broncos fans
D) Steve Atwater's family
E) The editors of InStyle magazine

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

David Treadwell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 70)

Name: David Treadwell

Team: Denver Broncos

Position: Isn't it obvious?

Value of card: 3 ounces of foot powder

Key 1990 stat: 14 hamstring pulls

10 things you might not have known about David Treadwell:

10) He twice tried out for the Rockettes, but, alas, failed to make the squad.

9) For him, "splitting the uprights" was more than a sexual metaphor.

8) He's got legs, and he knows how to use them.

7) He single-handedly made tucking in a T-shirt unfashionable.

6) In the photo above, he's wearing skin-color leg warmers between his snow-white thighs and ankles.

5) His hair was made of semi-synthetic plastic.

4) Somewhere in there, there's a bulge.

3) This is how he waved hello to everyone he saw.

2) He once shot a punter just to watch him bleed.

1) He prefers to get his kicks in bathhouses.

David Treadwell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 70)

Dennis Smith, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (NFL Kickoff Week No. 5)

Name: Dennis Smith
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Boom-boom
Key 1991 stat: One random lower-case 'r' in CrUNCH CREW
Just call him JaMarcus: Dennis Smith hit people hard. He was a physical specimen at the linebacker position, and was an easy selection for a spot on the CrUNCH CREW. Thus began the end of his career. You see, teammate Sammy Winder presented Smith with a Nestle Crunch bar in honor of the accomplishment. Smith had never tasted the crispy, chocolaty treat before. But once he tore off the confection's foil wrapper and sank his teeth into the goodness underneath, something in him changed. He was insatiable. He sat at home for weeks at a time, cases of Crunch bars surrounding him, little balls of foil littering the floor, his hands slathered in melted chocolate and little bits of puffed rice. In 1992, by the time training camp rolled around, Smith could also roll around. He weighed 461 pounds, and never put on a helmet again.

Dennis Smith, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (NFL Kickoff Week No. 5)

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)

Name: What the hell?
Teams: Broncos and Seahawks, we think
Position: Awkward pose with a Japanese kid
Value of card: Zero yen
Key 1989 stat: One going-out-of-business sale
Great moments in WTF: The NFL tried to expand its market in 1989, opening up a team shop in Tokyo to absolutely no fanfare. Sure, the businessmen stopped to look at the "cheerleaders" (who also provided side "services" for 50 yen), but almost everyone was scared by the plushy mascots with no eyes wearing helmets. That Bronco looks like it's about to tell the kid that he's giving out free puppies and candy in his windowless van around the block. The team shop closed down two weeks later, and Japanese people never watched football again.
Bonus fun fact: That kid's shirt says "Dynamite Age."

Tokyo Team Shop, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 33)