Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Splinters
Key 1992 stat: Five times had to call the fire department to get him out of a tree
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and trees:

• Trees are made of wood. Judging from the way he moved around the pocket, so was Kosar.
• A large tree, such as a mature oak, can use 110 gallons of water a day. Kosar, never mature enough to turn down a challenge, once chugged an equal amount of Stroh's in a day.
• Some trees, such as oaks, create seeds that fall to the ground. That's where most of Kosar's passes fell, as well.
• Trees are planted in soil. On game days, Kosar was also often planted in soil by the D-line.
• In the fall, many trees' leaves turn vibrant colors, such as red, orange and yellow. Kosar's shirt still put those trees to shame.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Name: Michael Dean Perry
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 6 bottles of Nair
Key 1990 stat: 7 wrestling matches with a Fridge
The shame returns: Yes, it's still baseball season, but preseason football is here, and that's all the reason we need to subject you to more Shameful Sunday Portraits. Get ready to cringe!
Conversation between Michael Dean Perry and a Pro Line photographer, circa August 1991:
Michael Dean Perry: "OK, OK. I know what I want to do."
Pro Line photographer: "Mr. Perry, please just put on your pads and go stand on the field."
MDP: "Nope, I have a better idea. Don't need these."
PLP: "Mr. Perry, please put your pants back on."
MDP: "No sir, I'm free as a bird. Just look at these legs."
PLP: "Those are very nice legs, Mr. Perry. But we have a photo shoot to conduct."
MDP: "I know, I know. Here's my idea: I go pantsless and hang from the goalpost."
PLP: "That's not going to work, Mr. Perry."
MDP: "OK, how about I go pantsless and sit on a tackling dummy."
PLP: "I'm sorry, but my editor will not be OK with that."
MDP: "How about this: I go pantsless and hang out in the stands."
PLP: "Well, you'll be hanging out regardless, I guess. Let's get this over with."
MDP: "Yayyy! Best photo shoot eva!"

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Webster Slaughter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 24)

Name: Webster Slaughter
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 14 zombie warts
Key 1991 stat: $250 earned as backup dancer in Michael Jackson's "Thriller"
Can you hear that?

It's close to midgame, and something evil's lurking on the field
Under the game lights, you see a receiver who almost stops your heart
You try to scream, but Kosar throws the pass before you make it
You start to freeze as Slaughter looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed

'Cause this is Slaughter, thriller night
And he ain't gonna save you from the linebacker about to strike
You know it's Slaughter, thriller night
You're fighting for the ball inside a killer, thriller, Slaughter night

You hear the play call and realize there's nowhere left to run
You have the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the ball
You close your eyes and hope this is only imagination
But all the while you hear the Kosar throwing from behind
You're out of time

'Cause this is Slaughter, thriller night
And he ain't gonna save you from the linebacker about to strike
You know it's Slaughter, thriller night
You're fighting for the ball inside a killer, thriller, Slaughter night

Webster Slaughter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 24)

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One bootleg copy of "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
Key 1992 stat: 42 times using an airplane bathroom
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet:

• The F-14 for many years was the U.S. Navy's preferred fighter jet, capable of air superiority. Bernie Kosar for a few years was Cleveland's preferred quarterback, capable of air competency.
• When not in action, the F-14 spends much of its time resting on the deck of an aircraft carrier. When not in action, Bernie Kosar spent much of his time resting his head on a bar, passed out.
• The F-14 was capable of carrying up to six missiles to hit targets. Bernie Kosar usually needed more chances to hit a target.
• The F-14 was the featured aircraft in the 1986 blockbuster "Top Gun," a movie that raked in millions. Bernie Kosar was featured in the 2012 sports documentary "Broke," about athletes who have spent or lost all their millions.
• F-14 pilots wear flight suits that are designed to provide warmth, be fire-retardant and have lots of pockets. Bernie Kosar is wearing a prison jumpsuit with lots of patches glued to it and the collar popped.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Bernie Kosar, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 169)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A lot of green? No, a splotch of brown
Key 1987 stat: 18 teammates who spent a weekend at Bernie's
Small card, little value: Ah, the mini card. A shining invention of the 1980s sports card boom. Proof that the industry's search for a niche knew no bounds. A testament to the absence of a design aesthetic at Topps and its fellow companies. Here, you have an action shot of Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar, surrounded by a sea of red, on a 3-by-2⅛-inch card with stickers affixed to the back. Are the stickers of Kosar? Sorry. They're of football players, yes, but you'll have to guess who they are because their names aren't included. On the front of the card, however, you have a name — and four stats. Yeah, that should give you a pretty good feel for the player. One thing's for sure: Mini cards had nothing on their cousin, the BIG card.

Bernie Kosar, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 169)

Fair Hooker, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 148)

Name: Fair Hooker
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide Receiver
Value of card: Very little money, left on the dresser
Key 1973 stat: Zero "clients" disappointed
Here's the report card on Browns receiver Fair Hooker:

Speed: Excellent
Afro: Fair
Intensity in this photo: Very poor
Penmanship: Poor
Name: Excellent
Mustache: Good
Singing voice: Excellent
Attitude: Poor
Hygiene: Fair
Stripiness of sleeves: Excellent
Sense of humor about his name: Very, very, VERY poor

Fair Hooker, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 148)

Ben Gay, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 146)

Name: Ben Gay (yes!)
Team: Cleveland Browns Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: 6 ounces of analgesic heat rub
Key 2001 stat: 14 hours of clothes hanger tattooing
10 other players signed by the Colts in 2002:
10) Doctor Scholl
9) Paul Mitchell
8) Neo Sporin
7) K.Y. Jelli
6) Barb Asol (cheerleader)
5) Johnson N. Johnson
4) Arman Hammer
3) Icyhot Tigerbalm
2) Pedro Liam Gellie
1) Johnny Ointment

Ben Gay, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 146)

Michael Jackson, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 132)

Name: Michael Jackson
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: The same as Jackson's visor, cracked down the middle
Key 1994 stat: 15,933 groin touches through hand warmer
Michael Jackson's "Bad," rewritten for this Michael Jackson: 
Your coverage is fine, can't fake you right / Gonna drop this pass in broad daylight
I'm telling you, I've got no wheels / Gonna hurt fans' minds; please don't shoot to kill
Gonna run my route on the count of three / Throw me the ball, and it's incomplete
I'm telling you, I've got bad hands / My coach is pissed, says I should be canned

Well they say the sky's the limit
But for me that's just not true
Browns fans you ain't seen nothing
Gonna really make you boo

Because I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, don't throw it
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
And the QB is yelling at me right now
Just to tell me once again, I'm bad

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jackson, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 132)

Eric Turner, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 5)

Name: Eric Turner, aka Bad Bone
Team: Cleaverland Browns
Position: Safety
Fright value of card: Four Milk Bones
Key 1994 splat: Graduated from obedience school
Bow-wow-wow, yippee-yo, yippee-yay: Eric Turner loved his Coke Monsters of the Gridiron costume so much, he decided to keep it and wear it on game days. Members of Cleveland's notorious Dawg Pound were thrilled. The players on the field? Not so much. His teammates quickly grew tired of seeing him try to intercept passes with his mouth, and the constant ruffing-the-passer penalties didn't help. And it was just plain gross when Turner would lift his leg on the down marker and do his "business" on the 50-yard line. The last straw came when a brutally cold December game against Pittsburgh had to be stopped while Turner humped referee Ed Hochuli's leg. Coach Bill Belichick presented Turner with an ultimatum: Stop wearing the dog costume or get "fixed." Turner chose to leave the outfit at home, but was so heartbroken he died in 2000 at the age of 31 — or 217 in dog years.

Eric Turner, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 5)

Derrick Alexander, 1994 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 16)

Name: Derrick Alexander

Team: Cleveland Browns

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: One night at the Ramada in Boca Raton

Key 1993 stat: 7,126 chest hairs

Time for another pop quiz:

What was Alexander doing when this photo was taken?

(A) Harvesting coffee beans with his great-uncle, Juan Valdez.

(B) Attending the "Fourth Annual Hunks with Bleached Goatees Convention" in Key West.

(C) Staring into the depths of a life filled with promise only to find disappointment and promises unkept.

(D) Just basking, baby. Just basking.

(E) Posing for a ridiculous football card, sans pants.

Derrick Alexander, 1994 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 16)