Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Outdated technology
Key 1991 stat: One bad Photoshop cutout
Clearing up some rumors about Bruce Smith:

• Bruce Smith did not use radar to track down quarterbacks. He used sonar.
• This cutout of Bruce Smith is not poorly done. It just shows his blue aura.
• Score is not mixing metaphors by using radar and cross hairs on this card. It actually has a contract with the Department of Defense.
• Bruce Smith is, in fact, screaming "Friends! Romans! Countrymen!" while chasing down Ken O'Brien.
• "Sack Attack" is not also the name of a mid-1990s adult feature. Oh, wait, yes it is.

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Names: Steve Young, Bruce Smith
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Buffalo Bills
Positions: Quarterback, defensive end
Value of card: Two heads
Key 1991 stat: Zero games played head-to-head
It's an NFC-AFC Matchup!

Round 1: Finely groomed mustache (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Finely groomed "Riddell" logo on helmet (Winner: Young)
Round 3: Proper use of chinstrap (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Career Super Bowls (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Career Super Bowl rings (Winner: Young — sorry Bills fans)
Round 6: Bigger badass (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Gnarly, career-ending concussion (Winner: Young)

Final score: Smith 4, Young 3

Synopsis: The Bills may have never won the big game, but Bruce totally makes up for all those missed championships by defeating a concussed Steve Young in the Matchup — not that Steve will remember it.

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Bruce Smith, 1994 Pinnacle (Football Friday No. 52)

Name: Bruce Smith

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 12 ounces of ice, melted, poured down a drain
Key 1993 stat: 1,862 driveways shoveled
Time for an ice-cold pop quiz:

How cold was Bruce Smith when this photo was taken?

(A) His eyes had frozen solid and fallen out of their sockets.

(B) He invented the full-body turtleneck to deal with the weather.
(C) He wasn't cold. He was in the midst of a bitchin' coke party.
(D) The snow froze the "Riddell" logo off the front of his helmet.
(E) When he got home, he climbed inside the carcass of a buffalo.
(F) We're scared. You ask him.
(G) All of the above.

Bruce Smith, 1994 Pinnacle (Football Friday No. 52)

Bruce Smith, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 24)

Name: Bruce Smith

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Defensive line

Value of card: It's worth a look

Key 1990 stat: Two silky-smooth legs

Script from Pure Silk Satin Shaving Cream commercial, circa 1990: "Hello, ladies, Bruce Smith here. (Smith stands in short-shorts in front of a picturesque sunset.) I'm a professional football player, and my sport can be pretty rough. (Cut to shot of vicious tackle; Smith says, 'Ooh.') I may like my sport rough, but I don't like my legs that way. That's why I rely on Pure Silk Satin Shaving Cream. (Smith holds up bottle of shaving cream, and looks at it like one would look at a lover.) I have to keep these smooth, sweet-honey legs in tip-top shape for game day (cut to shot of Smith slowly rubbing shaving cream on his leg), but I have to make sure they look and feel their best for the beach, the ballroom and the bedroom, too. So, trust a man who knows how rough (pan to another vicious tackle behind Smith; Smith chuckles) life can be, and pick up a bottle of Pure Silk Satin Shaving Cream at your local drugstore. It's one play the lady in all of us should always make."

Bruce Smith, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 24)