Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Name: Brett Smith
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of urine
Key 2013 stat: 47 better T-shirt options
Some of the sayings on rookie quarterback Brett Smith's other T-shirts:

• Crap Thunder
• Sweat Profusely
• Chafe Class
• Vomit Virtue
• Pee-Pee Maturity

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Name: "Keith" McCants
Team: Tampa Bay "Buccaneers"
Position: "Linebacker"
Value of card: "Nothing" (quote-unquote)
Key 1989 stat: 212 articles of clothing that were "orange"
It's time for another "thrilling" pop quiz:

How do you know you're the "class" of 1990?

(A) You wear hats that are "two sizes too small."
(B) You have a mustache that's as "straight as a ruler."
(C) You're constantly surrounded by a "blinding orange-and-yellow aura."
(D) You're featured on a horrendous football "card."
(E) You're "described" using "unnecessary" quote "marks."
(F) All of the above.

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Name: Hardy Nickerson, aka "Hyena"
Team: Tampa Slay Buccaneers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Fleas
Key 1994 splat: Watched "The Lion King" 32 times in preparation for this shoot
Fun facts about Hardy "Hyena" Nickerson and real hyenas:

• Hyenas are primarily nocturnal animals, but may leave their lairs in the early morning. Nickerson was also primarily nocturnal, though he rarely left his "lair," also known as his parents' basement.
• Hyenas have a reputation for scavenging food that has been killed by other animals. Nickerson had a reputation for stealing his teammates' lunches from the fridge.
• Some hyena traits are similar to those of dogs, while others are more cat-like. Nickerson definitely looks more like a puss in this photo.
• Hyenas groom themselves often and have a cat-like way of licking their genitals. Nickerson rarely groomed himself, but did try repeatedly to accomplish the other thing.
• Hyenas are known for their calls that sound like human laughter. Nickerson heard plenty of laughter from many humans after this card came out.

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 20)

Name: Gary Anderson
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Running back
Value of card: A dollar for each win the 1976 Bucs recorded
Key 1991 stat: 5,193 backup helmets, pads and jock straps
No one puts baby in a corner: Why has Gary Anderson been locked in an equipment closet?

A) In a case of mistaken identity, his teammates thought he was a kicker
B) He was playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with his helmet
C) He just wanted some privacy while putting on his prosthetic left forearm
D) I don't know, but from the looks of his eye black, he was crying
E) Getting dressed. Get out of here, you perv!

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 20)

Steve Young, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 107)

Name: Steve Young
Team: Buccaneers NOW WITH 49ERS
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 buccs
Key 1986 stat: 688 holes in jersey
Man, Steve Young looks young in this photo. Just how young was he?

• He's still sporting the Garbage Pail Kids haircut his mom let him choose.
• He's playing for the Salt Lake City High School Buccaneers, a team that won 186 more games than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the 1980s.
• He's still learning how to control the mutant fingers on his right hand.
• He gets to wear his age for every game. Next season, he's big No. 9. Hooray, Stevie.
• That's not a towel hanging from his waist; it's his blankie.

Steve Young, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 107)

Trent Dilfer, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 10)

Name: Trent Dilfer
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3.5 grams
Key 1993 stat: 139 times wondered why water is so wet
Serving suggestion: Take at least 2.5 grams of shrooms before looking at this card. It'll mess you up!
Two hours later: Oh my god. What is going on back there? It's, like, life. Look at it breathe! I mean, wait. What is he holding? Is that a baby? Why are his hands so fat? I bet his pants taste like a Creamsicle. Oh, that sounds good. His skin must be made of paper. God, that's frightening. Mmmm, the background makes me warm. Wait, 12? What does 12 mean? Geez, it just keeps going, doesn't it? I think I see myself in his helmet. Whoa.

Trent Dilfer, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 10)