The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Name: Jake "The Snake" Roberts
From: Gainesville, Texas
Signature moves: DDT; bringing Damien the snake to the ring
Value of card: 6 ounces of bones and hair regurgitated after feeding
Key 1989 stat: 12 snakes brought onto this (expletive) plane
Some reptile facts you might not know about Jake "The Snake":

• He cries crocodile tears.
• He wore neon pink Gecko T-shirts deep into the 1990s.
• In middle school, he volunteered to be a hallway monitor. He was disappointed when he realized it wasn't the scaly kind.
• When Hulk Hogan talked about his 24-inch pythons, Roberts cried a little inside.
• He drove a Dodge Viper (rented for one night and crashed).
• For a short period he was known as Jake "The Gopher Snake" Roberts, and then he saw "Caddyshack."

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

Name: Sterling Sharpe
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 7 shards of glass
Key 1994 stat: 116 cuts
Some explanations for this high-concept (cough, cough) illustration:

• Sharpe is breaking through the glass ceiling after men named Sterling had been held back for decades by people with normal names.
• Sharpe is jumping from space and shattering the sky because, you know, that makes sense.
• Sharpe is on a wicked-awesome trip after mistakenly eating the wrong kind of brownies at a music festival.
• Sharpe is a pawn of an unimaginative artist playing off his last name as an illustrated pun that really doesn't make sense (kind of like the Bust).

Sterling Sharpe, 1995 Fleer Pro Visions (Football Friday No. 214)

John Jaha, 1998 Donruss

Name: John Jaha
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: First base
Value of card: 4 dirty diapers
Key 1997 stat: 4 dirty diapers changed
It's time for a baby-vs.-baseball player edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Often threw up when burped (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes dressed by others in ridiculous outfits (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Usually spoke in unintelligible sounds (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Known to fill a diaper with something nauseating (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Had adorable, pinchable thighs (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Failure to field his position (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: A fan favorite (Winner: Baby)

Score: Baby 1, Jaha 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: In a contest between baby and beer-bellied baseball player, the pudgy, cooing, often stinky entrant couldn't pull out the victory.

John Jaha, 1998 Donruss

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pesos
Key 1988 stat: 2,197 instances of "Fernandomania" (in his own home)
"Fernandomania" spiced up L.A. in the mid-1980s; here are examples of "Fernandomania" in the late 1980s:

• A chicken-legged pitcher performed a one-man line dance on a baseball field.
• The one pair of blue cleats in Los Angeles sold out.
• Nearly eight people in the United States and Mexico started wearing headbands and old-man glasses.
• The Latino Elvis Impersonators gained a member — and two fans. 
• A man in a blue jacket and tight white pants was arrested for leering at women at Dodger Stadium.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Name: Myron Guyton
Team: New York Giants
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: 6 shreds of Zubaz
Key 1990 stat: 71 straight hours cradling a football
Conversation between Myron Guyton and a Pro Line photographer, circa 1990:
Pro Line photographer: "Howdy, Myron. I'm here to take your photo."
Myron Guyton: "No ball."
PLP: "Ha. That's fine, Myron. All I need to do is snap a picture."
MG: "I said, 'No ball.'"
PLP: "OK, OK. You just hold onto that ball, buddy. Let me get set up here."
MG: "No. No. No. No ball."
PLP: "You keep the ball, Myron. Maybe just hold it more naturally."
MG: "No. My football."
PLP: "Don't you maybe want to hold it tucked between your arm and your side, like you're running with it?"
MG: "My ball. No ball for you."
PLP: "Fine. Your ball. Any chance you can shake out your Zubaz pants so we don't end up with a football card sporting a bulge?"
MG: "My bulge."
PLP: (sighs, shakes head, takes photo)

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 stretched-out stirrups
Key 1988 stat: 76 bunt attempts
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Didn't mind being called "Dickie," which is awesome.
In terms of bulge, this guy led the Padres.
Chuckles over his name were common.
Kind of looked like that waiter at the Italian restaurant.
Inside the clubhouse, he played "The Thon Song"
Even his wife couldn't get those stirrups off him.

Thought he was playing pool when he got in the batter's box.
Held the bat like a real pro when bunting.
Only player on the Padres who liked the 1980s uniform colors.
Never met an extra-large cup he wouldn't wear.

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Randy Velarde
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Infield
Value of card: Bend over and we'll show ya
Key 1988 stat: 27 times accosted by second baseman Willie Randolph
It's time for yet another homoerotic pop quiz:

What in the living hell is going on here?

(A) Teammate Wille Randolph is playing Tickle Monster.
(B) It's what the announcer called the "really, really exaggerated shift."
(C) Love. Sweet, sweet love.
(D) This is how the Yankees pick "Season's Best Bulge."
(E) All of the above.

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Name: Michael Dean Perry
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 6 bottles of Nair
Key 1990 stat: 7 wrestling matches with a Fridge
The shame returns: Yes, it's still baseball season, but preseason football is here, and that's all the reason we need to subject you to more Shameful Sunday Portraits. Get ready to cringe!
Conversation between Michael Dean Perry and a Pro Line photographer, circa August 1991:
Michael Dean Perry: "OK, OK. I know what I want to do."
Pro Line photographer: "Mr. Perry, please just put on your pads and go stand on the field."
MDP: "Nope, I have a better idea. Don't need these."
PLP: "Mr. Perry, please put your pants back on."
MDP: "No sir, I'm free as a bird. Just look at these legs."
PLP: "Those are very nice legs, Mr. Perry. But we have a photo shoot to conduct."
MDP: "I know, I know. Here's my idea: I go pantsless and hang from the goalpost."
PLP: "That's not going to work, Mr. Perry."
MDP: "OK, how about I go pantsless and sit on a tackling dummy."
PLP: "I'm sorry, but my editor will not be OK with that."
MDP: "How about this: I go pantsless and hang out in the stands."
PLP: "Well, you'll be hanging out regardless, I guess. Let's get this over with."
MDP: "Yayyy! Best photo shoot eva!"

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Name: Rod Woodson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One wooden rod, jammed someplace unpleasant
Key 1994 stat: Used all of the tape on his fingers. All of it.
A literal interpretation of this gridiron masterpiece: Rod Woodson and his gigantic bulge run back an interception under a 5-mile-high bridge while hurdling a series of miniature goalposts planted in a series of parallel parking spots as floodwater from a far-off electrical storm threatens the surrounding barren landscape.

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Name: Brett Favre
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Quarterback, knight
Value of card: 2 bags of the finest spice (spoiled)
Key 1993 stat: 41 dinners at Medieval Times
Possible names for Brett Favre had he been a knight in the middle ages:

• Sir Brett Plumehead
• Lord Favre of Lambeau
• Knight of the Green-and-Gold
• Grey Beard, Protector of the Cheeseheads
• Brett the Unshaven, First of His Name
• Prince Packer of House Bulge

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Don Sutton
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Ace
Value of card: We'll trade you this card for two of this card, because, hey, it doesn't really matter
Key 1984 stat: 19 wrinkles drawn
Let's see what Don Sutton stands for:

Dude rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
Oscar Gamble would be proud.
Never met a curling iron he didn't use.

Suspicions of HGH (hair growth hormone) were rampant.
Under that hat, more curls!
Tiny Sutton seems to have a weight problem that Big Sutton doesn't have.
That poor Tiny Sutton is getting swallowed in the 'fro puff.
Only player to keep spare baseballs under his hair.
Never underestimate the illustrated bulge.

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Six feet and 10 inches of dog turds
Key 1994 stat: One sad
Randy Johnson's train of thought from 3:10 to 3:12 p.m., March 24, 1995: "Sigh. It's just not fair. Why do the guys always have to hold a limbo contest before practice starts? I can't bend that far     heck, my knees are taller that the starting point! Sigh. It sure does look like a lot of fun, though. Plus, the winner gets a Tupperware full of Griffey's jerk chicken and a bag of Buhner's finest Jamaican reefer. I like those things. Siiiigh. I guess I'll just sit over here by the bat rack and smell my mullet for a little while. Hmm, is that mustard? Mmm, Dijon! I remember that sandwich. Oh, man. Now I'm hungry. Sigh. Guess I'll just lick my palm until they're done."

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Mike Aldrete, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Aldrete
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield in the logo; infield on the card
Value of card: It's low; way lowwwwwwww
Key 1989 stat: 2,861 people staring at him when he walked around Old Montreal like this
It's time for a Canadian pop quiz:

Just how low did Mike Aldrete go?

(A) So low, any lower and his bulge would have scraped the ground.
(B) So low, his knees locked and he was stuck in this position for the rest of his life.
(C) So low, it distracted fans from seeing he was constantly making an inappropriate gesture with his fist moving back and forth toward his cheek.
(D) So low, it was lower than the value of this card.
(E) All of the above.

Mike Aldrete, 1990 Upper Deck

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Name: Rick Mahler
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Rick Mahler-signed baseball (or, zilch)
Key 1982 stat: 621 balls signed (baseballs, sicko)
Selections of Rick Mahler baseball autographs from this signing session:

• "Timmy: You're a huge Braves fan. You might not know this, but I'm a Braves pitcher. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Jenny: Please forgive our intolerably racist mascot logo. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Wes: I'm keeping your ball in my butt pocket for a month or two. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Bobby: I never liked you and your play at third base makes me ill. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Debbie: I saw you at the game. You like this beer-bulge combination? I can tell. I'm in Room 232 at the Holiday Inn. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Johnny: A ballboy actually signed this. Best, Rick Mahler"

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Name: Steve Renko
Team: Um, Angels, we think
Position: Pitcher. Yeah, must be pitcher.
Value of card: It's clear it's worthless
Key 1981 stat: 17 double-jointed tricks
Acute vision: Let's take a moment to salute Fleer. The card company wasn't afraid to take a risk in 1982. When other companies were worrying about giving collectors cards that were in focus, Fleer made a point not to bend to expectations. The brass at the card company knew a gem when they had one, and they wouldn't let such trivial things as common sense or the minimal standards of photography get in their way. Conventions and clarity be damned, they said. Because they knew that when they had a bulge shot like this, they had to get it in the hands of as many collectors as possible.

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Kelly Gruber, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Kelly Gruber
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Third base
Value of card: 5 crotches, er, cents
Key 1990 stat: Ultra proud of his man zone
Well, hello: Easy there, Kelly Gruber. You're coming on a little strong. Let's start by removing your crotch from our faces. Yeah, we get it, third base isn't just your position, it's your way of life. Still, the kids might see what you're doing here and get confused. No, no, we're all impressed by your flexibility. It's just that this is neither the appropriate time nor place for such aggressive junk-thrusting. So just take a step back, and let's start over. Nope, it's still there. Nope. Still there. That's it, we're calling the cops.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Kelly Gruber, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Larry Hisle, 1981 Donruss

Name: Larry Hisle
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 Schlitz cans
Key 1980 stat: 11 Schlitz cans consumed after the game
Here's what Larry Hisle stands for:

Ladies, I see you looking.
Are you impressed yet?
Rarely is a man this well-endowed.
Right in your face, looking back at you.
Yes, it's real.

Hard to avert your gaze.
Intentionally bold, intentionally yours.
Slightly curved, at times.
Long, strong and down to get the friction on.
Everybody knows I'm talking about my mustache, right?

Larry Hisle, 1981 Donruss