John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Name: John Mayberry
Team: New York Yankees
Position: First base/premier-but (*snicker*)
Value of card: One ounce of pork butt
Key 1982 stat: Didn't speak French
O-Pee-Chee gets bold: Hey, we liked John Mayberry as much as the next guy, but to say he has a premier butt? And then to not even show said butt on the card? You've got some explaining to do here, O-Pee-Chee. Kim and Jennifer want to know exactly what it is John has that they don't. Is it the pinstripes? The tight baseball pants? The fact that he bends over and stretches a lot? ... What's that? "Premier-but" is French for "first baseman"? Now that's hilarious.

John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Chris Chambliss
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: No
Key 1981 stat: Zero action (from the ladies)
A handful of things that have more action than the above Chris Chambliss card:

• "The English Patient"
• Sitting
• Watching paint dry
• Watching another person watch paint dry
• Beige
• The Jacksonville Jaguars' offense
• This Rollie Fingers card

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Name: Will "The Thrill" Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: The stitching from the inside of a sweaty butt pocket
Key 1988 stat: 14 "thrills" (with the ladies)
Great card, right? Hey, this is an awesome late-1980s William Nuschler Clark card. Nothing like a photo of a player where you can't see his face or the name on his jersey. Creases, smudges and bent corners aside, it's in perfect condition. And check out those three totally radical triangles framing the W in The Thrill's name: thrilling. At least, for the ladies, you get a nice crumpled-pocket butt shot. Score should have put out more subsets like Superstars. What an idea: Take a mediocre photo you already have, throw on a boring red-and-blue border, flush it down the toilet and voila, you have another subset that you can use to take money from kid collectors' allowances. Score? This card is anything but.

Card submitted by Travis Johnson

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Steve Finley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sprayed dirt
Key 1991 stat: Dressed for winter inside a dome
Here's a look at this action-packed card by the numbers:

4: Butt cheeks prominently on display
98.2: Percentage of the two bodies seen here that is covered with clothing
2: Pristine, white stirrup socks that are about to need a washin'
4: Finley was that many inches away from a broken cheekbone
0.5: Actual faces seen on this wonderful card

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Harry Colon, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Super Bowl XXIX (Football Friday No. 153)

Name: Harry Colon (a-huh-huh)
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: Three used groin towels
Key 1993 stat: 27 guys punched out for making fun of his name
OK, OK, just calm down: We here at The Bust pride ourselves on taking the high road. We would never make fun of a guy just because he has a funny name. Stooping so low would defeat the purpose of such a noble blog. Just because a talented, intelligent, strong, hard-working athlete has a surname that could be a schoolyard synonym for buttocks and a first name that implies said buttocks is covered in hair would never lead us to try to turn such an unfounded juvenile insult into a few thousand hundred dozen page views. No, we're far too high-brow to make a respected professional football player the butt of such a joke.

Harry Colon, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Super Bowl XXIX (Football Friday No. 153)

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

Name: Len "Lenny" Randle
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: $1 off at Dr. Pokey's ColonoscopyMart
Key 1977 stat: One vicious beating
Get a handle on Lenny Randle: What is San Diego Padres first baseman Gene Richards doing to cause Lenny Randle to make that face?

A) Checking for polyps
B) Administering a court-ordered spanking for beating up Frank Lucchesi
C) Just a quick goose
D) Seeing whether the baseball fits
E) Nothing he wasn't asked to do

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Browne
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Infield
Value of card: 12 dead ants
Key 1992 stat: 487 fright-filled screams
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Oakland Tribune in 1992: "Jerry Browne, right, who wasn't the past and future governor of California, recoils in fear from an earwig 11 feet from him in the infield grass, while a Red Sox player nearly collapses in laughter and 32,000 fans in the stands make baby-crying sounds and incessantly mock the middle infielder who's afflicted with entomo-aviatophobia — to the lay person, a fear of bugs and things that fly through the air, which, by looking at Browne's career statistics, would include baseballs thrown to a batter."

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 crotch-ripped pairs of baseball pants
Key 1990 stat: Scotts Miracle-Gro-sponsored Best Batter's Backyard contest runner-up
Advice the Giants' strength and conditioning coach gave Mitchell in the 1991 offseason:

• "You need to stop gorging yourself on chili dogs in the weight room."
• "You shouldn't order more 100-pound plates for the squat rack." 
• "Mixing in a little upper-body work won't hurt ya, Mitch."
• "Yes, those pants make your butt look big. Any pants make your butt look big."

Post and card submitted by Jordan Elam

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Upper Deck

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: About as much as its nutritional value
Key 1987 stat: Enough baby blue to open a day care center
Clearing up some rumors about Kent Tekulve:

• Tekulve did not have an epileptic fit every time he pitched. He did have one while watching "Tron," however.
• Tekulve's stirrups did, in fact, go all the way up.
• Tekulve was not the inventor of the derp face. He just mastered it.
• There is, in fact, a correct way to pronounce Tekulve's last name. We just don't know what it is.
• Tekulve's milkshake did, indeed, bring all the boys to the yard. But they were definitely not, like, "It's better than yours."

Card submitted by Keith Malloy

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Topps

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Name: Don Aase
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Closer
Value of card: 27 butt jokes
Key 1985 stat: Often made batters guess which finger was sticking out of his glove
Grow up, already: Look, if you're hoping for jokes about Don Aase's name, you've come to the wrong place. You're looking for this, or maybe this. Today, we're interested in something much more dignified and mature: Don Aase's mustache. It's obviously something the unfortunately named pitcher is proud of      he's pointing right to it. According to Baseball Reference, that amazing lip-warmer recorded 12 saves and 20 strikeouts all on its own. But more impressively, during the off-season, Aase's mustache volunteered in a soup kitchen over the holidays, making sure Baltimore's needy were fed and warmed. We're with the guy in the ad on the wall in the background: Hats off to you, Don Aase's mustache!

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's a stretch to think it has any value
Key 1996 stat: Cheated
North-of-the-border quiz time: What's The Rocket doing here?

A) Tebowing
B) Preparing for an injection
C) Showing off his badonkadonk
D) Looking like a d-bag
E) All of the above

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One click for a "You Suck at Photoshop" video
Key 1988 stat: Once referred to himself in the fourth person
It's a popularity contest: What was Rickey Henderson's best feature?

A) His blinding speed
B) That cute little scowl
C) His stirrups
D) His humility
E) Booty!

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Dan Marino, 1994 Flair Hot Numbers (Football Friday No. 97)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Some number or other
Key 1994 stat: One name written across his bum
Dan Marino, by the numbers on this eyesore:

10: Colors on this card
13: Didn't prove so lucky when it came to the Super Bowl, did it, chief?
94: People he's punched over Super Bowl comments. Ouch! Make that 95.
298: Times Shula had to remind him to snap up his chin strap.
40,720: Times he wished for just one decent running back.

Dan Marino, 1994 Flair Hot Numbers (Football Friday No. 97)

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One shiny, new syringe
Key 1990 stat: 4,108 looks back over the shoulder
Time for a very sexy pop quiz:

What's Mr. Sosa doing here?

A) Stretching out for his next at-bat. TO THE MAX!
B) Making his teammates uncomfortable.
C) Posing for the cover of Butt Fancy Magazine.
D) Preparing for an injection of some kind.
E) All of the above.

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Upper Deck

Don Aase, 1988 Topps

Name: Yes, it's the legendary Don Aase

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: The back end of a dead mongoose

Key 1987 stat: 47,000 mispronunciations of name

What's in a name? OK, OK. So Don Aase's name isn't even that close to the slang spelling of the world's funniest body part, but, as kids, tens of thousands of red-blooded Americans sure thought it was. He was the Aase Man, the Dumb Aase, that Stinkin' Aase. To the kids, Aase had a hole in his delivery, he often needed a wipe and, sometimes, he asked for a good chewing out. Aase was known to have a wild hair stuck somewhere and was said to be proud of the middle name "Jack." And, of course, he sometimes couldn't tell himself from his elbow. Sure, it was easy for kids of the 1980s and early 1990s to make fun of Don Aase, but here at The Bust, we would never make this great athlete and honorable human being the butt of any jokes.

Don Aase, 1988 Topps

Mike Morgan, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Morgan

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Bulldog eye wrinkle goop

Key 1985 stat: 1,786 hours standing suggestively

So, just what does Mike Morgan stand for?

Manly figure, for a ballet dancer

Ice in his veins; tears in his heart

Kingdome was alive with show tunes when he was on the mound

Ever seen baseball pants so smooth?

Mesh hat for style's sake

Overly sexualized pitching windup

Rear always stuck out for the ladies

Gay men said he could throw them balls anytime

A(nother bad homoerotic joke goes here)

Never mind the backside; wait until you see the front

Mike Morgan, 1986 Topps

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Name: Mike Schmidt

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Third base

Value of card: The "best" price for collectors: Nothing

Key 1985 stat: Apparently, a slightly-above-average .266 batting average

Best of the rest: Slugger. Gold Glove third baseman. Perennial All-Star. Hall of Famer. Mike Schmidt was a legend on the field, but it was still a bit puzzling when Fleer selected him to be part of the Baseball's Best subset in 1986. Schmidt was getting up there in years, and wasn't hitting as many home runs as he once did. His batting average? As the card says, .266. Nothing "best" about that. Best stirrups? Maybe, but other players looked good in them, too. Mustache? Probably not. So what was it? Take another look at the card. Yup, it's obvious now, isn't it? Mike Schmidt: Baseball's Best Butt for a 37-year-old in a Baby-Blue Body Suit. Good call, Fleer.

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Frank Viola, 1991 Score K-Man

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 K
Key 1990 stat: 3 million blue lasers shot from his backside
Here's a question: What does the K in K-Man stand for?

A) Ketchup
B) Kazoo
C) Keister
D) Kama Sutra
E) Kung fu
F) Kall of the above

Frank Viola, 1991 Score K-Man

Chris Gomez, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Chris Gomez
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Infielder
Value of card: One used latex glove
Key 1993 stat: Lots of time on the ground
This will only take a minute: There's a reason for Chris Gomez's subpar career numbers — he wasn't a professional baseball player. In 1993, the commissioner's office began a push to get its players screened for prostate cancer. Of course, most players, young and athletic, were reluctant to have someone check out their plumbing. In stepped Dr. Chris Gomez of Lansing, Mich. The good doctor agreed to masquerade as an MLB shortstop, but when the opportunity arose — such as Darryl Hamilton's poorly timed base-cleaning above — Gomez would slip on a pre-lubricated rubber glove, yank on the baserunner's trousers and do a little scoping. This earned Dr. Gomez his share of roundhouse kicks to the head, and the commissioner decided his plan was flawed. The Tigers, lacking anyone else capable of playing shortstop, decided to keep Gomez on the payroll for a few more years anyway.

Chris Gomez, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Chris Colon, 1993 Donruss

Name: Cris Colon

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Three dingleberries

Key 1992 stat: One unfortunate last name

10 insults yelled at Cris Colon by opposing teams' fans in 1993:

10) Those glasses make you look like an ass, Colon!

9) This guy? He's no Colon. He's a semi-Colon!

8) Colon, you're producing what one would expect!

7) Doctor, doctor! The Rangers are worried about their Colon!

6) This team needs a cleanse at shortstop!

5) Somebody call a proctologist: There's a Colon clogging up the batting order!

4) But ... but ... but why, Colon?

3) Colon: clubhouse cancer!

2) Rectum? Nearly Colon'd him!

1) Colon, you stink!

Chris Colon, 1993 Donruss