Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Name: Mel Bridgman
Team: New Jersey Devils
Position: Center
Value of card: Shaved ice
Key 1983-84 stat: No toothpaste needed
Presenting Mel Bridgman, by the numbers:

38: Assists in 1983-84
23: Goals in 1983-84
5: Teeth in 1983-84

$148,000: Amount Bridgman earned annually in the early '80s
$33,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on housing in the early '80s
$12,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on creamed corn and oatmeal in the early '80s

18:58: Bridgman's minutes on ice per game
1:53: Bridgman's penalty minutes per game
1:46: Minutes the dentist needed to give Bridgman a full checkup per visit

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Name: Joe Altobelli and the San Francisco Giants
Team: See above
Position: Manager and the team
Value of card: One-quarter of a cent for each player on the card
Key 1978 stat: 22 fights with the Dodgers
Let's take a look at Joe Altobelli and the 1979 Giants by the numbers:

36: Players and coaches in uniform
36: Players and coaches chewing tobacco in this photo
11: Players and coaches who could play at a big-league level
3: Clubhouse guys wearing satin jackets that could sell for $200 each on eBay to San Francisco hipsters
6: Players sitting on boxes filled with homeless people sleeping
1: Player ruining the photo by looking off camera (We're looking at you, front row far right)
1: Player taking lounging to an uncomfortable level (We're looking at you, middle row second from right)
1: Unhappy manager

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Leyland
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: 11 cigarette butts
Key 2008 stat: 14 pet tigers that Jim Leyland kept outside his lair
Let's take a look at Jim Leyland, by the numbers: 

.330: Batting practice batting average
.606: Batting practice slugging percentage
.999: Batting practice OPS

44: Batting practice home runs
139: Batting practice RBIs
377: Batting practice total bases

Er, wait. Those were Miguel Cabrera's 2012 statistics. Here are the numbers we were looking for:

.330: Batting practice expletives-per-sentence average
.606: Batting practice tobacco ingestion average
.999: Batting practice mustache average

44: Batting practice reporter cuss-outs
139: Batting practice farts blamed on the dog
377: Batting practice jockstrap readjustments

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Name: Fred Gladding
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A folded-up sheet of saran wrap
Key 1971 stat: Zero fans
Fred Gladding, by the numbers:

3.13: Career ERA
3.13 percent: Chance Fred knows where he is in this photo, judging by his expression
31.3 degrees: Angle at which his crossed eyes are staring
313: Empty seats in this photo, an image that reminds us of the 2013 Astros' season
3,130: Flies caught in Gladding's open mouth during April 1972

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Name: Reggie Barrett
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 3 ounces of leftover dust on a vacuum filter
Key 1990 stat: 256 women with whom he shared sweat
Let's take a look at Reggie Barrett, by the numbers:

36: Ounces of sweat on his chest
72: Ounces of sweat wrung from his shorts
98: Ounces of sweat left on workout machines that his teammates would have to wipe up

100: Dumbbell curls in his first workout set
150: Dumbbell curls in his second workout set
1: Dumbbell in this photo

1: Weightlifting belt used during a strenuous workout
1: Photographer who acted as a spotter to help with his weightlifting
1: Photographer who nearly passed out from the smell of his weightlifting belt

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Ricky Proehl, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 40)

Name: Ricky Proehl
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three spikes from a cactus in the Arizona desert
Key 1990 stat: 18 inches of shirt tucked in
Let's take a look at Ricky Proehl, By the Numbers:

14: Inches of short-shorts
24: Inches of Spandex
34: Below-the-waist fashion choices that would have been wiser

48: Height of Michael Jordan's vertical leap
28: Height of a respectable vertical leap for a non-athlete
8: Height of Ricky Proehl's vertical leap

3: Wires it took to suspend Proehl for this card
4: Hours it took to get Proehl in the perfect position for this card
5: Pro Line executives who congratulated one another for this card
6: Collectors who still own this card

Ricky Proehl, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 40)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Alan Trammell
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Three paper stripes
Key 1987 stat: Turned a lot of double plays, drank a lot of double bourbons
Alan Trammell, by the numbers:
8: Solid-colored stripes in the background of this oh-so-imaginative card
28: Inches of face in the foreground of this oh-so-nightmarish card
0: Legible markings, either numbers or letters, on the back of li'l Alan's jersey
3: Inches of hair covering Trammell's gigantic left ear
3.5: Inches of dimple in the first of Trammell's chins
10: Degrees that Trammell's nose lists to one side
1: Person who thought this qualified as art (that's right, Perez, we're still mad, no matter what we said earlier!)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Sean Landeta, 1991 Pro Line Portrait Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 30)

Name: Sean Landeta
Team: New York Giants
Position: Punter
Value of card: The opposite of "giant" value
Key 1990 stat: Zero everything but punts
Sean Landeta, By the Numbers:

4: Balls on the ground
2: Balls it took to wear that parka

2: Football helmets on the ground
1: Hair helmets on the head

3,981: New York kids who had this parka
18: New York Giants who had this parka
3,981: New York firefighters who had this mustache

18: Minutes spent in a photo session in the middle of the road
212: Photos that ended up on the cutting-room floor
18: Body parts that ended up cut up when a tractor-trailer came down the middle of the road

Sean Landeta, 1991 Pro Line Portrait Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 30)

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Name: Mario Mendoza
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield
Value of card: Well below .200
Key 1980 stat: .245 batting average (True! Take that, a-hole haters!)
Let's take a look at Mario Mendoza, By the Numbers:

.200: The Mendoza Line, named for Mario Mendoza
.215: Mendoza's career batting average
.015: Batting average points that humanity will never acknowledge

.180: 1975 batting average
.185: 1976 batting average
.198: 1977 batting average
.563: Combined batting average of all three years, if you add them, like Mendoza would when talking to ladies, rather than average them

.200: Baseball's Mendoza Line
200: References to the "Line" that Mendoza hears each week
200: Generations of the Mendoza family who will suffer in shame from the label

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: 371426300, Curt Leskanic
Team: Colorado Rockies
Positions: Cyborg, pitcher
Value of card: The last number on his name tag
Key 1994 stat: 16 runtime errors
Curt Leskanic, by the numbers: It's clear from the above photo that Curt Leskanic was a cybernetic organism, serial number 371426300, that was sent back in time to wallow in mediocrity before winning Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. But what does that number signify? Let's break it down.

371: This identifies the manufacturing plant where the cyborg was created, located underground in sub-Saharan Africa, the only place still safe and warm enough to live once the asteroid people find our planet. This is likely the same complex that produced fellow athletic cyborg Matt Riley.
42: The meaning of life, duh.
63: The half-life of the radioactive material powering this man-machine hybrid. Either that, or the rating, out of 10, of the thing's cheekbones. Grrrrowr!
00: The combined value of all baseball cards that Leskanic would appear on. Hey, those future dudes really knew what they were talking about!

Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Steve Finley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sprayed dirt
Key 1991 stat: Dressed for winter inside a dome
Here's a look at this action-packed card by the numbers:

4: Butt cheeks prominently on display
98.2: Percentage of the two bodies seen here that is covered with clothing
2: Pristine, white stirrup socks that are about to need a washin'
4: Finley was that many inches away from a broken cheekbone
0.5: Actual faces seen on this wonderful card

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Name: Brian Hunter
Teams: Detroit Tigers, Westside crips
Positions: Outfield, thief
Value of card: It's worth — wait, where did that money go?
Key 1998 stat: 74 stolen bases (Get it? Get it?)
Let's take a look at Brian Hunter, by the numbers:

• 74: Stolen bases in 1997
• $62: Cost per base
• $4,588: Total cost of stolen bases
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment that Hunter ignored
• 12: Collection agencies that failed to find Hunter behind that mask
• 22: Charges brought against Hunter in a court of law
• 21: Charges on which Hunter was convicted (fashion police charge thrown out)
• 74: Years Hunter was sentenced to prison
• 1: Conviction reversed upon appeal on the grounds that baseball card company Topps was responsible for a gut-wrenching pun that forced Hunter into a life of crime

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Felix Martinez, 2001 Topps

Name: Felix Martinez
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Shortstop, derp base
Value of card: Ever heard of Felix the Cat? Something from his litter box
Key 2000 stat: Face froze like that
Felix Martinez by the numbers:

75: Percent of the word "derp" spelled out on his uniform
100: Percent derp on his face
4: Square feet of crotch in this photo
5: Seasons spent in the majors
1: Seasons in which he hit better than .226
0: Winning seasons for the Rays during his time there
0: Surprise about that last fact

Felix Martinez, 2001 Topps

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Name: Florida Marlins
Team: See above
Positions: All of them
Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting fish guts
Key 2000 stat: 4,400 night crawlers
The 2000 Florida Marlins, By the Numbers:

42: Players and coaches on this card
41: Players and coaches on this card who aren't a child who snuck into the photo (We're looking at you, Mr. Bottom Row, Far Left)
23: Players and coaches who had fished
33: Players who smelled like fish
41: Players posing respectfully
1: Player suggestively covering his junk with his hands (third row, fourth from right)
50: Years of Topps cards
50,000: Topps cards better than this one

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

John Olerud, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 2)

Name: John Olerud
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: No number could represent such a low value
Key 1993 stat: See above
Let's take a look at John Olerud, By the Numbers, clockwise, from top left:

.270: Average with two outs, one ball, two strikes, in the fifth inning, on blustery days, in Toronto, in the second week of the month, with the opposing pitcher chewing tobacco
Uh, 00? Times taking the field without a batting helmet
Let's go with 8: Pounds of batting gloves worn
Maybe that's an 87: Percentage of teammates who made fun of him for wearing a helmet on the field
.2 ... uh: Percentage of collectors who didn't throw this card in the trash
38: Special
.209: Average with ladies in scoring position
.39: Percentage of underwear drawer that featured Blue Jays logos
.298: Percentage of the unexplainable lake behind him filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.3: Percentage of Olerud filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.278: Batting average while making a stupid face
There goes that run of interpretable numbers, so, um, 80? Times he forgot to toss bat before running to first base
369: Numbers on this card
.301: Who cares? That's enough stats, for helmet's sake

John Olerud, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 2)

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Name: Sarah Josephson
Event: Synchronized swimming
Medal count: 1 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: An air bubble (not from the nose or mouth)
Key 1992 stat: Synchronized everything except Swatches
Sarah Josephson and synchronized swimming, by the numbers:

1: Number of people on this card named Sarah Josephson
1: Number of people on this card who are Sarah Josephson's twin sister, Karen
0: Idea which one is which
15: Pounds of waterproof makeup applied before each competition
2: Olympic medals
2: Olympic medals in synchronized swimming, which is not a real sport
30: In seconds, airtime that will be dedicated to synchronized swimming over the next two weeks
100: Percent chance we'll still fist-pump if the U.S. takes gold in it

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 nothings
Key 1987 stat: 1,000 something
Let's take a look at Jerry Rice, by the numbers:

1,000: Yards receiving
1,000: Dollars spent on helmet visors
1,000: Card insert designs better than this one
1,000: Children who could have come up with a more sophisticated idea
1,000: Seconds put into this card's border illustration
1,000: Reasons never to buy a pack of 1988 Topps football cards

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Jim Presley, 1989 Fleer

Name: Jim Presley
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Third base
Value of card: 1 Turkish lira (0.5573 U.S. dollars)
Key 1988 stat: 212 batting tees broken
Let's take a look at Jim Presley's 1989 stats, by the numbers:

.418: Batting average off a batting tee
.018: Batting average without a batting tee
37: Home runs during batting practice off a batting tee before the game
0: Home runs off live pitching without a batting tee during a game
86: Make-believe RBIs when hitting off a batting tee before a game by himself
2: In-game RBIs when hitting off live pitching during a game surrounded by professionals
276: Hits off a batting tee before a game by himself when he's actually in his backyard imagining being on a big-league field surrounded by thousands of screaming, adoring fans
6: Hits off live pitching during games in major-league stadiums over the course of a career that saw few moments of glory marked by screaming, adoring fans

Jim Presley, 1989 Fleer

Andre Reed, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 123)

Name: Andre Reed
Team: Buffalo BillsTM
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Less in cents than the weight of this ridiculous card in ounces
Key 1989 stat: One unnecessary trademark symbol
Let's analyze this Action Packed card, by the numbers:
0: Super Bowl appearances before this card was issued
4: Super Bowl appearances after this card was issued
0: Super Bowl victories before this card was issued
0: Super Bowl victories after this card was issued
0: Faces viewable on this card
0: Other shots considered because no faces are viewable on this card
0: Collective IQ of Action Packed photo-editing team
2.7: Weight of this card, in ounces
1.7: Value of this card, in cents
2,200: Holes in Reed's mesh jersey
2,200: Holes in Action Packed's logic for ever issuing this card

Andre Reed, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 123)