Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Name: Willie Upshaw
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Hitting coach
Value of card: Something sticky on your shoes
Key 1996 stat: 841 candy bars eaten
Fun facts about Willie Upshaw and candy bars:

• Candy bars always sound good, but are bad for you in the long run. Willie Upshaw never really sounded good and was definitely bad in the long run.
• Some candy bars come in a "king size" variety. Willie Upshaw had king-size eyeglasses.
• Some candy bars are advertised as being light and fluffy. Willie Upshaw's mustache was the opposite of that.
• If you leave a candy bar in your pocket, it will get too warm and melt. Willie Upshaw would still eat that candy bar.
• Candy bars sometimes contain nuts. You had to have been nuts to make Willie Upshaw your hitting coach.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Willie Upshaw, 1997 Oh! Henry Toronto Blue Jays Team Set‏

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Name: Pat Woodcock
Team: Ottawa Renegades
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 giggles
Key 2004 stat: Wore a shirt that said "Woodcock" to work
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200: Congratulations, Pat Woodcock, on your first-ballot, unanimous Bust Name Hall of Fame erection election. Only the best, such as Rusty Kuntz, Dick Pole and Steve Sharts, have achieved this honor so quickly      but there's no doubt that Woodcock stands up to the test.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Carlos Delgado, 1998 Score

Name: Carlos Delgado
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: The same as if it had been soaked in water
Key 1997 stat: One Oozinator purchased
Cool off with this edition of The Caption, which likely didn't run in the Toronto Sun circa 1997: "Blue Jays first baseman Carlos Delgado demonstrates his displeasure with home plate umpire Rich Garcia's strike zone by firing a high-powered water gun at the umpiring crew Thursday at the Rogers Centre in Toronto. Garcia, after being drenched, went over to the Blue Jays dugout, confiscated the toy and told a pouting Delgado that he could have it back after the game was over."

Carlos Delgado, 1998 Score

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

Names: Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, third base, pitcher
Value of card: One Canadian penny
Key 1981 stat: All impressed by something off to their right
It's time for a north-of-the-border Matchup:

Round 1: Too manly for actual vowels in first name (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Too manly for baby blue uniforms (Winner: Mills)
Round 3: Future as a World Series-winning manager (Winner: Francona)
Round 4: Future as Nolan Ryan's record-setting strikeout victim (Winner: Mills)
Round 5: Future as an international mustache-growing competitor (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Future as an Atrocious Donruss Diamond King (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Fondness for chicken and beer (Winner: Francona)

Final score: Smith 3, Francona 2, Mills 2

Synopsis: The only man on this card old enough to grow facial hair is also the only man left standing after this futuristic Matchup. Congrats, Bryn; now use your winnings to buy a vowel, eh?

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

Charles Assmann, 1998 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 176)

Name: Charles Assmann (despite what it says on the card)
Team: Edmonton Eskimos
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Says "ASSMAN" on it, so there's that
Key 1998 stat: Jokes about his name still weren't old
Four things about this card:

1) Yes, it's real.
2) Charles Assmann was an actual football player who spelled his name with two n's. And, frankly, that's even funnier than the misprint on the card.
3) On its top-of-the-line website, Jogo proudly hails its status as the second-longest running North American sports card producer behind Topps      and, apparently, it has inherited some of Topps' quality control people, as well.
4) Hee hee, Assman.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Charles Assmann, 1998 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 176)

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Larry Walker
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, first base 
Value of card: Two pennies stuck together with maple syrup
Key 1994 stat: One labor stoppage
Ways you can tell Larry Walker is Canadian:

• You know, the whole Montreal thing
• His mullet has clearly been frozen stiff by a harsh winter
• All his bats were made from maple wood
• He was always insulting the umpires in French
• That glove is at least 30 percent moose leather
• Clothed from neck to toe to combat sub-zero temperatures
• His Louisville Slugger is actually a goalie stick! What the heck, eh?

Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Stan. Mikita
Team: Team Canada
Position: Giant floating head
Value of card: 19 maple leaves
Key 1972-73 stat: Made all the ladies swoon. All of 'em.
Five bits of information we can glean from this expertly designed hockey card:

1) Stan Mikita was approximately 58 years old at the time of this photo. What's that? He was actually 33? Sweet Jeebus!
2) His head was like Sputnik: spherical, but quite pointy in parts. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
3) He always said his name as though it were two sentences. "Stan." (pause) "Mikita."
4) His hairstyle defied every law of physics known to mankind.
5) The dimple in his right cheek was so deep that it contained, among other things, his wallet, his bicycle and the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Stan Mikita, 1972-73 O-Pee-Chee Team Canada (Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Closer
Value of card: Contempt
Key 1988 stat: One grudge held against the Bust
Impenetrable padding: What is Tom Henke hiding under that jacket?

A) 215 pounds of mean ol' country boy
B) 215 pounds of ham radio equipment
C) 215 pounds of insulation
D) 215 pounds of the finest Canadian porno
E) 860 pounds of all of the above

Tom Henke, 1989 Donruss

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Name: Craig McMurtry
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 burnt mustache hairs
Key 1987 stat: Didn't do nothin'
Quotable quote from the back of the card: "Craig McMurtry says this about smoke: 'Every team should have a pitcher that throws it. Every home should have an alarm that detects it.'"
Stop, drop and gag: Here are some of the ways in which the above card does and does not promote fire safety.

• It promotes fire safety by eschewing the use of loud, incendiary colors in favor of a simple black-and-white, homemade color scheme.
• It does not promote fire safety in that it lies about Craig McMurtry being a Blue Jay. Dude never threw a pitch for the team. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
• It promotes fire safety by using a photo of McMurtry taken off a TV screen rather than having him drive in and get his muffler all hot.
• It does not promote fire safety by flaunting all that arm hair. Those limbs are just a tinderbox, ready to blow!
• It promotes fire safety by having McMurtry wear those glasses rather than use them to fry insects or       considering the size of the lenses       small cities.
• It does not promote fire safety by inducing a coma just by looking at it. Come on, man, we could have had a candle burning!

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Craig McMurtry, 1987 Blue Jays Fire Safety Set

Buck Martinez, 2001 Oh Henry! Team Set

Name: Buck Martinez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Manager
Value of card: Whatever Buck finds in his pants
Key 2000 stat: Not once did he say "eh"
10 more candy terms, this time for Buck Martinez:
10) Reese's Big Cup (so that there's room for ol' Hands-in-Pants Martinez)
9) Whatchamacallit (what Buck called the shortstop position)
8) Milk Duds (a lot of his games were duds, that's for sure)
7) Mike & Ike (two guys who would have been better managers)
6) Kisses (not when you've got your hands in your crotch, buddy)
5) Airheads (sums up his coaching style)
4) Snickers (sure, we used it last time, but look at this photo!)
3) Payday (Buck stopped getting them after 1½ seasons)
2) Skor (Jays didn't do much of this under Buck)
1) Nutrageous (guess why)

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Buck Martinez, 2001 Oh Henry! Team Set

Jimmy Key, 1988 Fleer Superstars

Name: Jimmy Key
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, squatting
Value of card: Imminent doom
Key 1987 stat: 7-pound bulge
North-of-the-border quiz time: Who's the real superstar on this card?

A) Jimmy Key's puberty mustache
B) Jimmy Key's "I think I just pooped" face
C) Jimmy Key's bow-leg-inducing bulge
D) Jimmy Key's monotone powder blue uniform
E) The Bust Trophy. We're No. 1! We're No. 1!

Jimmy Key, 1988 Fleer Superstars

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's a stretch to think it has any value
Key 1996 stat: Cheated
North-of-the-border quiz time: What's The Rocket doing here?

A) Tebowing
B) Preparing for an injection
C) Showing off his badonkadonk
D) Looking like a d-bag
E) All of the above

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Trevor Kidd, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Name: Trevor Kidd
Teams: Team Canada, Calgary Flames
Position: Goalie
Value of card: Socialized medicine
Key 1992 stat: 814 pounds of padding
How Canadian was Trevor Kidd? Trevor Kidd was so Canadian that he bled maple syrup. He was so Canadian, he out-Mountied the Mounties. Kidd was so Canadian, he began, interrupted and ended every sentence with an "Eh." He was so Canadian, he called French-Canadians "Extra Canadians" because he didn't want to mention another nationality. He was so Canadian, he refused to eat "regular" bacon because it wasn't frigging Canadian enough. Trevor Kidd was so damn Canadian, he built a house made of ice, shaped like the Stanley Cup, and skated from room to room with his dog sled team while eating nothing but poutine. O Canada!

Trevor Kidd, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Raghib Ismail, 1991 All World CFL (Football Friday No. 61)

Name: Raghib Ismail
Team: Toronto Argonauts
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Less than a loonie
Key 1990 stat: Screw the NFL
Run for the border: Yes, Raghib Ismail played in the Canadian Football League. Yes, there is a Canadian Football League. Yes, half of the teams are named the Roughriders. Here's the thing: There are only eight teams in the CFL! Eight! Didn't the NHL add eight more teams just last year? It's time for some CFL expansion, dammit. Here are 10 teams we'd like to see added to the Canadian Football League:

10) Whitehorse Snowflakes
9) Northwest Territories Gangrene
8) Victoria Victors
7) Iqaluit Random Letters
6) Yellowknife Socialists
5) Vancouver Grizzlies (because it worked so well the first time)
4) St. John's Sissies
3) Medicine Hat Naughty Nurses
2) Red Deer Medicine Hats
1) Halifax Machines

Raghib Ismail, 1991 All World CFL (Football Friday No. 61)

Eduardo Perez, 1993 Fleer Pro Cards

Name: Eduardo Perez

Team: Vancouver Canadians

Positions: Infield, defenseman

Value of card: 3 cents, eh

Key 1992 stat: 234 penalty minutes

The Canadian Pastime: Eduardo Perez had wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father, Tony Perez, since he was a child. He dreamed of playing in the big leagues, winning a Most Valuable Player Award and getting a World Series ring. That dream was derailed, however, for a few seasons in the early 1990s, when Perez's contract was purchased by the Vancouver Canadians, a fledgling franchise north of the border that required its players to perform on the baseball field and in the hockey rink. Perez had never played hockey, and, for that matter, had never seen ice, so the transition was a bit rocky. He tried to bunt instead of pass. He tried to hit-and-run instead of cross-check. But his most embarrassing moment came when he tried to stuff the Stanley Cup in his jockstrap.

Eduardo Perez, 1993 Fleer Pro Cards