Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ozzie Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A replica penny
Key 1990 stat: One walk
Ways in which people could determine Ozzie from his twin brother Jose:

• Ozzie was the smart one
• Jose was the one with the back-ne
• Ozzie was the one who showered
• Jose was the one who thought Big Mac actually owned McDonald's
• Ozzie was the one in the minors
• Jose was the one who shot off his own finger

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Rafael Palmerio, from left, Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, left field, right field and catcher, respectively
Value of card: Four empty vials
Key 1992 stat: Blue belts for everybody!
Four Latin stars enter (sorry, Julio Franco), only one can win in this Matchup:

Round 1: Embarrassing lack of facial hair (Winner: Canseco)
Round 2: Embarrassing lack of mullet (Winner: Rodriguez)
Round 3: Fondness for wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Gently caressing another player's neck (Winner: Gonzalez)
Round 5: Smugness (Winner: Canseco)
Round 6: Crossing the streams (Winner: Tie between Palmeiro and Rodriguez)
Round 7: Biding his time before ratting out his teammates (Winner: Canseco)

Bonus round: More prescient advertising slogan on the billboards in the back (Winner: "The Formula of the Future")

Final score: Canseco 4, Rodriguez 1, Gonzalez 1, Palmeiro 0 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: All of these guys were accused of playing dirty at some point, but it was Canseco who outmuscled the competition on his way to victory. His tell-all book about this Matchup should be coming out any day now.

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40/40 = 1 cent
Key 1988 stat: 40 (yup, just 40)
Some of the 40/40 clubs that Jose Canseco belonged to:

• 40 home runs / 40 stolen bases
• 40 ounces of mullet / 40 hats to cover mullet
• 40 yellow jerseys / 40 A's fans blinded by yellow jerseys
• 40 pieces of jewelry / 40 cents spent on vending machine jewelry
• 40 times mistaken for Ozzie Canseco / 40 times mistaken for a decent human being
• 40 holes in 5 square inches of mesh jersey / 40 holes in many of his drugs-in-baseball stories

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A lump of ear wax
Key 1990 stat: Never actually struck by lightning
Fun facts about slugger Jose Canseco and lightning:

• Lightning is seen as a bright flash, often coming down toward Earth. Canseco is neither bright nor down-to-earth.
• Worldwide, lightning occurs about 40 to 50 times a second. Canseco turns the light switch on and off 40 to 50 times a minute for his own entertainment.
• Fear of lightning is called "astraphobia." Change "tra" to "swipe" and you have the word for the fear of Jose Canseco.
• Lightning strikes can cause, among other things, burns to humans. Jose Canseco has burned most of the people he's known.
• Lightning creates ozone, which carries a distinct, metallic smell. Canseco also carries a distinct smell, similar to hair gel mixed with Chef Boyardee-brand ravioli.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 20 cents off your next Glamour Shots session
Key 1991 stat: Wore no shirts more often than two shirts
Here's what Jose Canseco stands for:

Jock strap stuffed with tissue to impress the ladies
Once modeled for Jordache
Shoot, if only I could think of something that starts with "S"
Everybody should be on Twitter just to read this guy's insane thoughts

Crap kicked out of him during MMA bout
Are those long sleeves made of fabric or chain-mail?
Never exactly known for his modesty
Still nothing for "S"; oh, wait, I know! Scumbag!
Example of how not to cut your hair? See above.
Criminal history is almost as long as his book
Oakland is almost as glamorous as Jose's wardrobe

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cat hair
Key 1991 stat: Dressed to the nines (minus eight)
Excerpt from early-'90s "MTV Cribs" forerunner "MTV Pads": "Hi, I'm Jose Canseco, and welcome to 'MTV Pads.' We're going to start today in my driveway so I can show off my sweetest new acquisition, this white Corvette convertible. I have to be at the ballpark almost every day, and I've found it's best to arrive in style. That's why, after I get there, I like to sit on the corner of the car door frame in my acid-wash Hammer pants and ripped-midriff sweatshirt      complete with a picture of a dude almost as buff as me on it      and think about how awesome my hair looks. Here, allow me to demonstrate. (Sits in pose seen above) Did I mention this ride has state-of-the-art fuel injection? Oh, speaking of injections, let's go check out my home gym. Er, not that any injections go on there. Ha-ha, that's weird, why did I say that? Um, maybe we should go to commercial."

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One carat carrot
Key 1991 stat: 10 inches of mullet
Big winner: Upper Deck saw fit to name Jose Canseco "Best Athlete" in its 1992 Diamond Skills subset. Here are some other awards Canseco has claimed in his life:

• Customer of the month, May 1991, Big Jim's Syringe Mart
• Hair of the year, 1993, Mullet Fancy magazine
• May Have Already Won $10,000,000, Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
• New York Times Best Selling Author, 2005
• Best Jose, 1985

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Jose Canseco, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 39)

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 5 ounces of scum
Key 1990 stat: One intolerable smirk
Photographer's train of thought while taking shots of Jose Canseco, 1:30 to 1:31 p.m., April 1, 1991: "Get a load of this guy. Yeah, OK, buddy, I get it. You won the World Series so you don't need to do something funny, right? No provocative poses, no props — just you, your mullet and your wristband. Fine. (pauses) Wait, what's that smell? Oh Christ, it smells like raw pork and Chef Boyardee. Wait, was that ... was that him? Did he just go silent but violent on me? That smirk! Oh, you son of a ..."

Jose Canseco, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 39)

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Names: Rickey Henderson, Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two bullet casings from the streets of Oakland
Key 1991 stat: Two of the biggest prima donnas in baseball history
It's time for an East Bay Area version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ego large enough for a moon to orbit (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Shiny and sharp flat top (Winner: Henderson)
Round 3: Cascading and coiffed mullet (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Circulation-restricting pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Semi-effeminate neon green batting glove (Winner: Henderson)
Round 6: Vein-plumping wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 7: Eye-raping yellow socks (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Bulge-tastic-ness (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Embarrassing Score Dream Team photo (Winner: Canseco; sorry, Rickey)

Score: Canseco 3, Henderson 2, Ties 4

Synopsis: Wow. The Matchup has never seen a competition featuring such Bust legends. On one side was Rickey Be Rickey, the all-time stolen base leader and the man who proclaimed, "I am the greatest of all time." On the other side was Jose Canseco, the first 40-40 man and perhaps the biggest baseball scumbag of the past quarter-century. The two traded victories, but, in the end, in the battle of shirtless A's, Canseco wins with an A-plus.

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Jose Canseco, 1990 Jose Limited

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Less than the faux-neon paper it's printed on

Key 1989 stat: 75,000 gallons of hot-pink ink

Ah, the early 1990s: Now this, dear readers, is a truly crappy card. Look at this thing. It hails from an era of trashy cards seemingly made in some jerk's garage. Want an example of another one? Here ya go. But they don't get much worse than this. Canseco, in all his glory, is wearing a turtleneck and Spandex shorts beneath his baseball pants. Of course, the real star is the hot-pink border, which, according to court records, caused blindness in no fewer than 17 children. The green-black secondary border is a nice touch, too. It nearly matches the color scheme of the A's uniforms. That, of course, would have been too much to ask for. OK, so, random shot of Canseco? Check. Only-in-the-1990s border color scheme? Check. Now only if the card came from a company with an awesome name. Wait ... a ... second. Jose Limited? The card company is called Jose Limited? Well, dear readers, this just qualified as one of the worst cards of the decade.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Jose Limited

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four used sock stirrups
Key 1991 stat: One needle-marked backside
Yuk, yuk, yuk: How many Jose Cansecos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to inject the bulb-changer with "supplements" and one to write a tell-all book about how he and every other bulb-changer were on said "supplements."

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck

Jose Canseco, 1989 Fleer Baseball All Stars

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One eighth-grade graduation certificate
Key 1988 stat: 1,922 flies caught in mouth
Jose Canseco's train of thought from 12:10 p.m. to 7:44 p.m. July 23, 1988: "Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Ice cream ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Cars go fast ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Puppies are cute ... Hit ball ... Socks go inside shoes ... Hit ball ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Steroids ... Hit ball ... Keys are shiny ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Ladies are pretty ... Catch ball ... I like ketchup ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Garfield. Ha-ha. ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Two plus three is — uh-oh. Wait. Crap, what do I do with ball? Oh no, Mr. LaRussa's going to beat me again. Oh yeah! Hit ball!"

Jose Canseco, 1989 Fleer Baseball All Stars

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken colored pencil
Key 1990 stat: 32 inches of chin
The illustrated man: This card is absurd. Look at how out proportion parts of it are! The size is wrong, the shape is wrong, and the ghosts in the dugout scare us a little bit. At least they got Jose Canseco's head size right. Wait, you thought that's what we were talking about earlier? No, no. We meant Canseco's shoes. They're so tiny and wrinkly! His head size and mullet, of course, are only slightly off.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Seven Joses
Key 1989 stat: One earthquake survived
It's science: If you're viewing this card in standard 2-D, it may look like seven Jose Cansecos have been Photoshopped on top of each other, each slightly larger than the last. However, for just $19.95, you can see this card in glorious 3-D! In three dimensions, you'll be able to perceive the following features:

• The needle sticking out of Canseco's backside.
• Mark McGwire's disgust
• Baseball's dignity dying a slow, painful death.
• Bulge, bulge, bulge!
• The last time the A's were relevant.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts

Jose Canseco, 1990 Topps Kmart Super Stars

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Blue Light Special sale price: $Dung

Key 1989 stat: 26-inch mullet

Fun Facts about Kmart and Jose Canseco:

• Kmart offers deals to customers. Canseco offers deals for performance-enhancing drugs.
• Kmart caters to the working class. Canseco has no class, working or otherwise.
• Kmart sells toddler-size T-shirts. Canseco is wearing one.
• Kmart once had Blue Light Specials. Canseco once had "something special" in the red light district.
• Kmart is an upfront business. Canseco's hair is business up front, party in the back.
• Kmart used to advertise Jordache jeans. So did Canseco.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Topps Kmart Super Stars

Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, 1993 Diamond Sports

Names: Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire
Teams: Oakland A's, Blues Bash Brothers
Positions: Outfield, first base, posers
Value of card: Definitely less than 10 cents
Key 1992 stat: One stolen police car
Top 10 most absurd things about this card (and believe us, there are more than 10):
10) Mark McGwire is no Blues Brother. The only situation in which he dances well is around the truth.
9) There's enough yellow on this card to blind an eagle.
8) Honestly, what the hell is it with those gigantic bats?
7) Half of the police car's tire has been Photoshopped out.
6) This is the only time in his life that Jose Canseco has worn a jacket AND a shirt.
5) These two are in fact on a mission from God. That mission is to inject themselves with enough steroids to kill a rhinoceros.
4) McGwire loves country music, but is indifferent to Western. Canseco only likes yacht rock.
3) Even though it says this is the March edition of Diamond Sports, everyone knows it came out in April.
2) Neither Canseco nor McGwire could hold John Belushi's jock.
1) Both of these guys actually like Illinois Nazis.

Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, 1993 Diamond Sports

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Texas Rangers

Positions: Outfield, pitchman

Value of card: First shipment is free; just enclose $14.95 for shipping and handling

Key 1993 stat: Two massive biceps, courtesy of "Care-oids"

Script from "Care-oids" television commercial, circa 1994: "Howdy, fellas. I'm Jose Canseco. You probably know me from my exploits on the diamond. (Cut to clip of Canseco hitting ball, lifting hand above eyes to shield sun, and watching ball fly out of stadium.) But nothing I do on the field would be possible without what I do in the weight room. (Cut to clip of Canseco bench-pressing an attractive woman.) I may be the strongest player in the majors, but it's not all god-given talent. (Canseco struts through weight room, shirtless.) You see, I have my own kind of spotter when I'm pumping iron. (Rapid zoom to close-up of product.) It's called 'Care-oids,' and I wouldn't trust my muscles to anything else. You see, 'Care-oids' is a scientific breakthrough meant to help athletes reach their top level of performance without all the hassle of working out more than a few minutes a day. Here's how it works. (Cut to Canseco bending over a weight bench, slightly pulling down his spandex gym shorts.) Just take one of our patented 'Care-oids Super Syringes,' and fill it up with a healthy dose of 'Care-oids.' Flick the needle once or twice, stick it in your rear end, and, voila, you're on your way to becoming twice the man, and twice the athlete. (Cut to Canseco doing curls.) Take it from me, I wouldn't be curling these nearly 8-pound dumbbells if it weren't for 'Care-oids.' And get this: We'll send your first shipment free. That's right. After that, just head down to 64th Street and Jefferson, stand next to the Dumpster for a while, and wait for Reggie to show up with your next shipment in a brown paper bag. It's that easy. (Cut to close-up of Canseco flashing a big smile.) Remember, if you care about sports, and you care about your body, you'll get a lot of stares with 'Care-oids.'"

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Name: "Ozzie" Canseco

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The tails side of a nickel

Key 1992 stat: Zero "Joses." That's right. Don't even bother checking any documents.

The old switcheroo: Jose Canseco was a slugger known in the early 1990s for his towering home runs and Hollywood lifestyle. He had an ego as big as his bat, and both were often on display. Then, Jose Canseco's life came crumbling down. He got divorced, arrested and was accused of using steroids as a tool of his trade. With his life in a tailspin, Canseco left the game. A few months later, the Cardinals signed a slugging outfielder by the name of "Ozzie" Canseco. He hit for power, ran with speed and always wore a shirt that read, "Bash Brother 4 Life." Reporters pestered "Ozzie" about his past. He would shirk the questions and point to what he called a birthmark on his hand. "See, how could I be Jose with this birthmark?" he would say. A reporter would usually speak up and tell him it looked like a circle colored in with a Sharpie marker. "Pay that no mind," Ozzie would say, "I am Ozzie Canseco, brother to Jose, who has disappeared and left me, a clean, sober, law-abiding physical specimen to carry the baseball torch for the Canseco kin." To this, a reporter would usually say, "Jose?" To which "Ozzie" would always turn and reply, "Yes," before running from the locker room.

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Jose Canseco, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings

Names: Jose Canseco, Tattoo, Herve Villechaize

Teams: Oakland A's, The Fantasy Islands

Positions: Outfield, Mr. Roarke's assistant

Value of card: Dee plane, boss, dee plane

Key 1986 stat: 1 man, 1 golden gun

A small man with a big idea: Herve Villechaize was a diminutive actor best known for his roles in "Fantasy Island" and "The Man with the Golden Gun." Despite his theatrical credentials, he always dreamed of playing baseball. But at 2 feet, 4 inches, this was a dream destined to die.

Doubt gets short shrift: Villechaize never took no for an answer. When they told him he'd never be a TV star, did he listen? No. When they told him he'd never drink his weight in pina coladas, did he listen? No. When they told him he'd never reach the cookie jar on the kitchen counter, did he listen to them? No. So why would he listen to them when they said he'd never play baseball?

Reaching new heights: Tattoo, as his friends called him, started working out. He lifted weights like a midget on an mysterious island (umm, what?) and, despite his voracious appetite, he cut out booze, cigarettes and women from his diet. But with every weight he lifted the realization that he would never grow big enough to play professional baseball sank in deeper. In despair, he changed his name to "Jose Canseco," started overdosing on steer-oids, as he called them, and went on to enjoy a successful career in baseball that only months before seemed like a fantasy.

Jose Canseco, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings

Pete Incaviglia and Jose Canseco, 1987 Fleer SuperStar Specials

Names: Pete Incaviglia, Jose Canseco

Teams: Texas Rangers, Oakland A's

Positions: Outfield, Outfield

Value of card: Two cycles of steroids

Key 1986 stat: One uncomfortable photo session

Are you ready for The Matchup?

Round 1: Arm hair (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 2: Stupid look on his face (Winner: Canseco)

Round 3: Carny hands (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 4: Facial hair (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 5: Beer league softball uniforms (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Dwarfism (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 7: Blindingly obnoxious armbands (Winner: Canseco)

Round 8: Vowels in surname (Winner: Incaviglia)

Round 9: Tiny hats on huge heads (Winner: Tie)

Score: Incaviglia 5, Canseco 2 (Ties, 2)

Synopsis: In a landslide, Incaviglia dominates Canseco, illustrating why it's important for ballplayers to wear their talent above the lip and to overcome disabilities and tiny hands.

Pete Incaviglia and Jose Canseco, 1987 Fleer SuperStar Specials