Ken Griffey Jr., 1990 Post Collector Series

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners (good thing they labeled it)
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One vending machine gold chain
Key 1989 stat: 17,852 bowls of cereal eaten
It's time for a snap, crackle, pop quiz:

What kind of cereal included this card in one of its boxes?

(A) Honey Bunches of Nothing
(B) Bland Flakes
(C) Lacking Charms
(D) Nut N' Honey (No, really: nothing)
(E) Fruity Players
(F) Special-Needs K
(G) Total (Debacle)
(H) Absence Jacks
(I) Jimmy Dean Sausage Balls
(J) Urkel-Os
(K) None of the above

Ken Griffey Jr., 1990 Post Collector Series

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Potsition: First base
Value of card: Ten shots of tequila, regurgitated
Key 1989 stat: Patchy stubble
George Brett's train of thought, 11:02 to 11:04 a.m., March 7, 1990: "Damn these Florida beaches and their enticing blend of tequila and samba. ... Wait, today's baseball card photo day? Crap, I'm sweating like Cecil Fielder in a sauna. I didn't shave, I haven't showered in three days and I'm so hungover right now, the sky looks purple. ... Phew, it's only the crappy insert cards they're shooting today. Nobody will ever see these and distribute them on a poorly written and produced electronic medium two decades from now. ...  Hey, if these guys are going to smudge out the logo on my hat, maybe they can get rid of the bags under my eyes and the dried puke on my collar. Maybe I won't look like America's swarthiest man, after all!"

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Robin Yount, 1989 Topps Cap'N Crunch insert

Name: Robin Yount

Team: Possibly the Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Three pieces of cereal, picked from the garbage

Key 1988 stat: One girl's name

10 reasons Yount was like Cap'N Crunch cereal:

10) He was full of folic acid, coconut oil, brown sugar, salt and Yellow No. 5.

9) He was old and had a wicked mustache.

8) He hung out with fruits.

7) The skin around his eyes resembled the ridges in those sugary kernels.

6) When he walked, his bones made crunching sounds.

5) He never took nutrition into consideration.

4) He took a bath in milk every day.

3) The whole family loved him, but grew sick the more they had of him.

2) He was yellowish.

1) Crunch Berries = dingle berries.

Robin Yount, 1989 Topps Cap'N Crunch insert

Will Clark, 1989 Topps Cap'N Crunch insert

Name: Will Clark

Team: (It's a mystery)

Position: First base

Value of card: One crunch berry

Key 1988 stat: 10 pastimes

10 titles that apply to Will Clark, circa 1988:

10) Undercover agent

9) Captain of the Crunch

8) Matt Dillon body double

7) Repairman

6) Mustache repairman

5) First baseman, witness-protection softball team

4) Staring contest supervisor

3) Keith Hernandez

2) Provider of free rides

1) Bear (yes, in that sense)

Will Clark, 1989 Topps Cap'N Crunch insert