Burt Grossman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 53)

Name: Burt Grossman
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Bupkis
Key 1991 stat: Four pairs of lightning-bolt shorts owned
Burt Grossman's online dating profile circa 1991: 

Screen name: NotSoGrossMan1
Age: 24
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 270 lbs.
Hair color: San Diego Padre brown
Hairstyle: Behatted
Facial hair: Waxed
Ethnicity: Beach bro
Marital status: Married      to the gridiron
Want children? I would love a little Grossman
Smoke? And ruin this babyface? No way.
Drink? I've done a keg stand before.
Best feature: Thighs

Seeking: Hey laaaaaadies!
Her body type: San Diego
Her ethnicity: Tanned
Her interests: Shorts, smooth skin, not making fun of people's names

About me: Look, ladies, despite my name, I'm the cleanest man you'll ever meet. I don't tolerate a mess in my house      or on my body. Except for what's on top of my head, I'm completely hairless. I feel that this gives me a competitive advantage, both on the field and off. It makes me harder to block, but it also accentuates my muscular legs and the fact that my neck is wider than my forehead. So drop me a line and let's show each other some skin.

Burt Grossman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 53)

Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)

Name: Junior Seau
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One drawstring
Key 1991 stat: Turtlenecks, turtlenecks everywhere!
Put this pop quiz in lights: What does it say on the scoreboard behind Junior Seau?

(A) PLEASE DON'T SIT ON THE CROSSBAR
(B) TEACH US HOW TO SHINE IN ZUBAZ
(C) LEAGUE LEADER IN TROUSER-RELATED BLINDNESS
(D) PREACH THAT MUSTACHE, HELL YEAH!
(E) NONE OF      er, none of the above

Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "Stealth"
Team: San Diego Charred-gers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One picture of a stealth bomber, torn in two
Key 1994 splat: 19-pound belt buckle
Ways in which Junior "Stealth" Seau was not very stealthy:

• All that metal plate clanged a lot when he moved.
• That blue face paint may have been stealthy, but his biceps weren't camouflaged at all!
• Those shiny gold arm guards could be seen from miles away.
• His number was clearly visible. It's like he wasn't even trying!
• That pointy helmet would likely just end up poking somebody as he walked by.
• He was too proud of his flatulence to ever really enter stealth mode.

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Dan Henning, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Name: Dan Henning
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 50 cents off a knee replacement at Dr. Larry's Joints Joint
Key 1991 stat: Never got up from this pose
What play did Dan Henning call after this photo was taken?

A) 52 Pick-me-up
B) A kneel-down. No, wait, that was before the photo
C) 911. Not a play, just the phone number
D) A Hail Mary
E) All of the above

Dan Henning, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Billy Ray Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 6)

Name: Billy Ray Smith
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Charge it! (declined)
Key 1990 stat: 157 stripes
Transcript from San Diego Chargers season ticket commercial, circa 1990: "Heeeeeyyyy, football fans! It's me, Billy Ray Smith, and I'm charged up! (Smith runs through fake brick wall; comes out smiling; lightning strikes all around him) It's going to be a heck of a season! Woooo! (Smith flexes, yells) You know what you need to do? Buy season tickets! What, you don't want to pay to watch us play? Of course you do! But here's an added bonus! (Smith pulls a black blanket off something behind him) If you buy season tickets now, we'll throw in a pair of the hottest Zubaz pants I've ever seen. They'll burn your retinas! (Smith puts on Oakley Blades) What, that's not enough? We'll throw in your very own Zubaz shirt. Read that thing: Dare to be different! (Smith points to the words on the shirt) I double-dare ya! What, you want more? We'll throw in a pair of 6-inch wristbands, which will actually make you sweat more! (Smith starts lifting weights and sweating profusely) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You want more? (Smith throws down weights) How about a free mustache trim when you sign up for the Super Mullet Special at Fantastic Sam's? (Camera pans to Fantastic Sam's bear mascot) Now that's a deal that's a cut above! So, call in and buy yourself some season tickets. You know you can always charge it! (Lightning strikes Smith's biceps)"

Billy Ray Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 6)

Natrone Means, 1994 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 59)

Name: Natrone Means
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Running Back
Value of card: One second-degree burn
Key 1994 stat: 728 touchdowns, if we remember correctly
Top 10 things Natrone means:

10) Business
9) Sausage
8) Fireworks, apparently
7) Humongous shoulder pads
6) Injuries
5) Weight problems
4) Odor
3) More sausage
2) Giggling
1) Jock itch

Natrone Means, 1994 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 59)

Junior Seau, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 41)

Name: Junior Seau

Team: San Diego Chargers

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: Ow — zilch

Key 1993 stat: One product line bankruptcy

10 items in the Say-Ow Gear product line:

10) The Say-Ow Abscess Patch

9) The "Junior" Say-Ow Baby Bib Choker

8) The Say-Ow Mustache Plucker

7) The Say-Ow Broken Leg (Seau himself comes to your home and snaps your femur like a twig)

6) The Say-Owl Bird Frightener

5) The Say-Ow Respect Reducer (seen above)

4) The Say-Ow Nose Flattener

3) The Say-Ow Home Enema Kit

2) The Say-Ow Practical Visor (bill facing the correct way, thus serving its purpose to shade one's eyes from sunlight)

1) The Say-Ow Pun Generator (recalled)

Junior Seau, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 41)