John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: First base
Value of card: The paint it took to make that earring
Key 1993 stat: Three colors of hair
Let's check out what's on John Kruk's checklist:

• Wear an octopus under the hat (check)
• Look suspiciously like a feudal Japan-era samurai (check)
• Misapply sunscreen, resulting in four colors of skin (check)
• Resemble the Wolverine, albeit with an extra chin (check)
• Appear on a baseball card that's a true work of art (no check here)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Avery
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A good amount of cringing
Key career stat: Remembered as "the other guy" from those early-'90s Braves staffs
Let's check off what's going on with this team checklist:

• Just throwing that whole racial aspect right out there for everyone to see: Check
• One arm apparently growing out of Steve Avery's back: Check
• Enough straining of muscles and veins to scar a child for life: Check

Yep, three for three. Excellent work, Upper Deck!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Golden State Warriors, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 4)

Name: Golden State Warriors
Team: Kind of
Position: Usually near the bottom of the standings
Value of card: Nothing golden
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero city names in team name
Some of the things the Warriors are talking about in this huddle:

• Both of the times they played well in 1991-92
• Where "Golden State" is located on a map
• Chris Mullin's self-haircuts
• Ways to hide their faces on a basketball card
• The proper time for a five-man smooch
• The Ultimate Warrior
• Escape routes out of Oakland to avoid getting shot
• The "golden state" of sweaty neck rolls on this team

Golden State Warriors, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 4)

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two boxes of broken crayons
Key 1991 stat: 12 hypothermia deaths at Candlestick Park
Fun facts about Willie McGee and the San Francisco Giants' former home Candlestick Park:

• Candlestick Park was once known as Monster Park. Willie McGee looked like a monster in this illustration.
• Candlestick Park is known for its strong winds. Willie McGee often broke strong wind.
• Candlestick Park was the site of The Beatles' last commercial concert. Willie McGee was the site of a beetle infestation.
• Candlestick Park was hosting a World Series game when the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake struck. Willie McGee was hosting a meeting between he and the other Earth-bound aliens when they used their advanced technology to cause the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake.
• Candlestick Park was an eyesore despised by most Giants fans. Willie McGee ... well, you get it.

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Sparky Anderson, 1991 Studio (Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Name: Sparky Anderson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: Worthless? Check
Key 1990 stat: Quadruple bypass
Sparky bookends: We started Coach-Manager Week with the lovable Sparky and we're ending with Sparky, too. Why? Here's a checklist:

1 ¤ He's the prototypical old man manager.
2 ¤ He has never aged.
3 ¤ He goes by a rascally nickname and has a smile to match.
4 ¤ He's a winner, not just on the baseball field but at the baccarat tables in the back of seedy Chinese food restaurants.
5 ¤ His wrinkles are as deep as poverty levels in Detroit and resemble the stripes of his beloved Tigers.

You can check it off: Sparky, a manager's manager.

Sparky Anderson, 1991 Studio (Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Name: L.T.
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 56 cents, maybe
Key 1990 stat: Two letters — just two
Time for an initial pop quiz:

What does the huge "L.T." on this card stand for besides Lawrence Taylor?

(A) Lotsa Testosterone
(B) Likes to Tango (see illustration on left)
(C) Lost Temper
(D) Liquor Trouble
(E) Later, Theismann
(F) All of the above

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Shawon Dunston, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Shawon Dunston
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 5 cents off a hero sandwich
Key 1991 stat: Zero visits to the Bust, where the Upper Deck heroes of your childhood go to be ridiculed
Here are some more stats from the 1992 Upper Deck Heroes Game:

Ryan Bowen: Two hits, one piggyback ride
Nolan Ryan: 14 strikeouts, 14 "Airplane" references
Dave Winfield: Three RBI, traded twice in the same game
Ken Griffey Jr.: One HR, one SB, one injury
Will Clark: Two doubles, one tantrum thrown
Danny Manning: Four slam dunks, one wrong sport
Roger McDowell: One save, 15 women hit on unsuccessfully
Oil Can Boyd: 2.1 IP, 49 gold chains bought from guy outside stadium
Howard Johnson: One run scored, one illegitimate child

Shawon Dunston, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Names: Rickey Henderson, Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two bullet casings from the streets of Oakland
Key 1991 stat: Two of the biggest prima donnas in baseball history
It's time for an East Bay Area version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ego large enough for a moon to orbit (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Shiny and sharp flat top (Winner: Henderson)
Round 3: Cascading and coiffed mullet (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Circulation-restricting pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Semi-effeminate neon green batting glove (Winner: Henderson)
Round 6: Vein-plumping wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 7: Eye-raping yellow socks (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Bulge-tastic-ness (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Embarrassing Score Dream Team photo (Winner: Canseco; sorry, Rickey)

Score: Canseco 3, Henderson 2, Ties 4

Synopsis: Wow. The Matchup has never seen a competition featuring such Bust legends. On one side was Rickey Be Rickey, the all-time stolen base leader and the man who proclaimed, "I am the greatest of all time." On the other side was Jose Canseco, the first 40-40 man and perhaps the biggest baseball scumbag of the past quarter-century. The two traded victories, but, in the end, in the battle of shirtless A's, Canseco wins with an A-plus.

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Tom Lasorda, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 17)

Name: Tom "Tommy" Lasorda
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Manager, wiping sauce off chin
Value of card: 30 checkmarks
Key 1990 stat: 5,004 cannolis eaten
Tommy Lasorda's thoughts on some of the players listed on this checklist: "Kirby Puckett — good guy. Me, him and Kruk once had a hot dog eating contest during the all-star break. Kruk won, but I gave him a run. ... Jesse Barfield — name sounds like what I did after the hot dog contest. ... Hensley Meulens — what is that, a car? ... Jose Canseco — put on a damn shirt already, you pansy. ... Dennis Eckersley — when we beat the A's in the Series, Eck had to make all the fettuccine alfredo I could eat. Long-haired freak had to make a looooot of fettuccine. ... Rick Honeycutt — name sounds like honey-baked ham. He's alright in my book. ... Mark McGwire — as American as apple pie. Mmm, pie. ... Ken Griffey Jr. — he'll never be half the player his dad was. ... Randy Johnson — screw this, I'm hungry. Where'd those cannolis go?"

Tom Lasorda, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 17)

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One torn canvas
Key 1993 stat: No good impressions
Here's our review of this "artwork": What the hell is going on here? Is this supposed to be some sort of Monet-inspired water lily thing? And if so, then why are Mirer's head and torso clear? Trust us, we saw Rick Mirer play. There was nothing sharp about him, except the criticism he so rightly received.

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Detroit Tigers, 1981 Topps Team Checklist

Team: Detroit Tigers

Manager: Sparky Anderson

Positions: All of them

Value of card: 40 men / 40 bad hairstyles = 1 cent

Key 1980 stat: 22 hands on crotches during team photo shoot

10 things Topps photographer yelled at the Tigers before this photo was taken:

10) "All right, let's put the carnies up front!"

9) "Did we get everyone from the crowd with a mullet or a mustache into this photo?"

8) "It says here that everyone with a felony should be wearing a white jersey. Perfect!"

7) "Smile or we'll make you live within Detroit city limits!"

6) "Time to shoot! You guys are from Detroit, so you're used to that, right?"

5) "Look! There are as many people in the stands as during Tigers games in September."

4) "Jesus, there's enough hair here to cover a cancer ward!"

3) "Hey, who let these suits in here?"

2) "Sparky! Wake up, Sparky!"

1) "OK, scumbags, smile and grab your junk!"

Detroit Tigers, 1981 Topps Team Checklist

Albert Belle, 1993 Upper Deck Checklist

Name: Albert Belle

Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: One letter of complaint
Key 1992 stat: Infinite anger
An emotional pop quiz:

Why is Albert Belle so mad?

A) He can't find his eye-black remover.
B) This bat wasn't corked nearly enough.
C) The cultural insensitivity going on behind him.
D) The continuous nonsense going on inside him.
E) He's allergic to feathers.
F) He's Albert Belle. He's ALWAYS mad.

Albert Belle, 1993 Upper Deck Checklist

Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses, 1993 Upper Deck Illustration

Names: Bobby Bonilla, Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses

Team: New York Mets

Positions: Outfield, sunglasses

Value of card: One paint stain on your carpet

Key 1992 stats: 128 games played; zero times taken off

Train of thought by V. Wells, Upper Deck checklist artist, from 7:11 to 7:12 p.m., Jan. 4, 1993: "Let's see, Mets, Mets. ... Holy crap look at these sunglasses! So shiny. So manly. So futuristic. I must paint them. They're so graceful! Look at the sleek lines. They're the ultimate in reflection. I bet if I had a pair of these, I'd be more respected as a part-time baseball illustrator! ... Wait, what's this? There's a person in these photos? Damn you, Bobby Bonilla and your veiny arms! I swear by all that is holy on this Earth that I will make those sunglasses mine!"

Update: According to that bastion of information, the Internet, V. Wells, who has done many Upper Deck illustrations, is actually Vernon Wells Sr., father to current Toronto Blue Jays "star" Vernon Wells. Also, he never stole Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses.

Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses, 1993 Upper Deck Illustration

Kendall Gill, 1993-94 Upper Deck Checklist (NBA Finals Week No. 7)

Name: Kendall Gill
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Guard/forward
Value of card: One probe
Key 1993 stat: One crashed pilot
Kendall Gill is not an alien: The above illustration was originally made for Kendall Gill's television pilot, "ALF: Alien Life Forward," about a creature from another world who crash lands on our planet with no way to get home. After being adopted by a middle-class family in Charlotte, the 6-foot-5 creature ends up signing a 10-day contract with the Charlotte Hornets. He then learns that the NBA is actually populated with all kinds of aliens, including Sam Cassell, Manute Bol and Gheorghe Muresan. Hilarity ensues. The show never aired, as network executives realized that it somehow had managed to be even less funny than the original "ALF."

Kendall Gill, 1993-94 Upper Deck Checklist (NBA Finals Week No. 7)

Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, 2010 Topps Orioles Checklist (2010 Week, No. 2)

Names: Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Three yawns
Key 2009 stat: Zero times in proper fielding position
It's Matchup time:

Round 1: Proper use of the GoateeSaver (Winner: Markakis)
Round 2: Lack of interest in game (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Room in crotch of pants (Winner: Markakis)
Round 4: Sharing name with known criminal (Winner: Jones)
Round 5: Tight sleeves (Winner: Markakis)
Round 6: Lack of knowledge about how to wear a glove (Winner: Jones)
Round 7: Baby-smooth skin (Winner: Reimold)
Round 8: Desire to get the hell out of Baltimore and play for a winning team (Winner: Tie)

Score: Markakis 3, Jones 2, Reimold 1

Synopsis: In the battle of who could care less, Nick "The Stick" Markakis walks away with the Apathy Cup — and the dopest nickname.

Nolan Reimold, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, 2010 Topps Orioles Checklist (2010 Week, No. 2)

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Name: Nolan Ryan

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Ace

Value of card: One childhood portrait of Matt Damon

Key 1991 stat: Two respresentations on this card alone!
R.I.P. Peter Graves: With apologies to Captain Oveur and the geniuses behind "Airplane!" here are the top 10 things we imagine Nolan Ryan saying to the little brat in this illustration.

10) "Joey, you ever spend any time in a minor league locker room?"
9) "Do you like it when grown men put people in headlocks, Joey?"

8) "Joey, have you ever been to a sausage factory?"

7) "Joey, have you ever played the hot corner?"

6) "Would you like to see the Ryan Express, Joey?"

5) "Joey, you ever seen Mookie Wilson naked?"

4) "Joey, do you spend much time around silicone rubber?"

3) "You ever eat a lizard, Joey?"

2) "Joey, can you explain the infield fly rule to me?"

1) "Joey, have you ever given a sumo wrestler a sponge bath?"

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Name: Bret Saberhagen

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Ace

Value of card: One ball of yarn

Key 1990 stat: 214 scoreless innings pitched in the middle of the night, alone

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that giant circle behind Bret Saberhagen?

(A) The aura put off by his flawlessly maintained mullet

(B) The rising sun, foreshadowing a promising career's demise into the Japanese leagues

(C) A puddle of chewing tobacco spit from the cheek wad drawn by the illustrator

(D) Red dwarf star, which, coincidentally, was the nickname given to Saberhagen in the locker room

(E) All of the above

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Tony LaRussa, 1991 Studio checklist

Name: Tony LaRussa
Team: Oakland Athletics
Positions: Manager, Thinker
Value of card: One Bill Sampen sighting
Key 1990 stat: Zero haircuts
Tony LaRussa's thoughts from 10:34 a.m. to 10:35 a.m.: "This Sears photo studio is nicer than I expected. ... I hope McGwire's OK. He seems to be injecting himself with a lot of B12 lately. ... Oh man, I am totally nailing this 'Thinker' pose right now. Wait, maybe if I look a little more to the left — YES! ... God, Canseco is such a tool. ... I can't believe we lost the Series to the Reds. If only Todd Van Poppel had been ready. He's going to be such a stud! ... I hope they use this shot, but I really hope it's not on something lame, like a checklist card. And if it is, I hope it's not on the same checklist as that greaseball, John Franco. I can't believe he said that to Sandy Alderson's daughter. Creep-o!"

Tony LaRussa, 1991 Studio checklist

Cardinals leaders, 1989 Topps

Name: Cardinals Leaders

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Positions: All of them

Value of card: Three cotton balls

Key 1988 stat: Two punches at the same time

A Cardinal sin: No one on the Cardinals liked Tom Brunansky. He belittled teammates, insulted fans and, worst of all, he had a penchant for violence. Brunansky's violent streak even came out in times of celebration. After hitting a home run off Pirates grease-ball Bob Walk, Brunansky, above right, touched home plate and simultaneously punched infielder Luis Alicea in the nose and outfielder Curt Ford in the midsection. "Take that, peons," Brunansky yelled through a mouthful of chew spit. "Make way, this Cardinal is spreading his wings!"

Fun fact: The above photo was taken through the perspective of Cardinals manager Whitey Herzog, who saw the whole world as if it were shaped like a 1978 Ford Fiesta.

Cardinals leaders, 1989 Topps