Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 

• Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
• Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
• Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
• Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: One busted cinder block
Key 1985 stat: 14 dog turds picked up before taking this photo
Here's what Mike Laga stands for:

Made his name in the Detroit backyard baseball circuit
Isn't actually wearing Tigers team gear, just a hat and jacket he bought at Kmart
Knifed by the homeowner whose property he trespassed on for this photo
Exposed pipes and broken cinder blocks      welcome to Detroit!

Lifetime .199 batting average might help explain this photo
After hitting a ball over that fence, Laga made the photographer go and ask for it back
Garbage: Describes both what's on that lawn and Laga's major-league career
At least he's not wearing pink. Yet.

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Eric Davis
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A (Diamond) King's randsom (sooo, nothing)
Key 1986 stat: 67 yards rushing
Please calm down, Mr. Davis: Man, Eric Davis is heated. Look at the guy. He's ready to jump through the card and rip off your face. But you're not to blame. He's upset with the esteemed Dick Perez, the artist behind hundreds of Diamond Kings, including this one. You have to understand, Mr. Davis doesn't like the insinuation that he plays tennis, checkers or "Tron," as the background of the card seems to imply. He doesn't like the misshapen stirrups on the misshapen legs of his miniature self. And he definitely doesn't like being portrayed as an angry guy. That makes him friggin' furious. Grrrr.

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: USA
Position: Honorary captain
Value of card: Air
Key 1992 stat: Zero minutes spent kicking anything
Michael Jordan is seen dunking a soccer ball; here are some other things he did with balls from other sports:

• Jordan kept a tube of tennis balls in his shorts.
• Jordan hit golf balls while dressed like an Australian hobo.
• Jordan spiked volleyballs from about 16 feet in the air.
• Jordan hit 3-pointers with bowling balls when he was in the zone.
• Jordan whiffed at baseballs.

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Uwe Blab
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 17 snippets of construction paper
Key 1989-90 stat: Two 6-inch knees
Let's see what Uwe Blab stands for:

Ugh, what a name
West Germany lost its best name when Blab immigrated to the United States
Ewe-y; it's pronounced "Ewe-y"!

Blob!
Legs that just don't stop
Added bonus: a ginger
Beware the bulge of the Blab

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?

A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Name: "Keith" McCants
Team: Tampa Bay "Buccaneers"
Position: "Linebacker"
Value of card: "Nothing" (quote-unquote)
Key 1989 stat: 212 articles of clothing that were "orange"
It's time for another "thrilling" pop quiz:

How do you know you're the "class" of 1990?

(A) You wear hats that are "two sizes too small."
(B) You have a mustache that's as "straight as a ruler."
(C) You're constantly surrounded by a "blinding orange-and-yellow aura."
(D) You're featured on a horrendous football "card."
(E) You're "described" using "unnecessary" quote "marks."
(F) All of the above.

Keith McCants, 1990 Score (Football Friday No. 189)

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Names: Will Clark and Mark McGwire
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Oakland A's, respectively
Positions: First base, squared
Value of card: 2 ounces of plaque
Key 1995 stat: Zero Battles of the Bay
It's time for a Bay Area-themed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Giant bulge (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Giant gums (Winner: McGwire)
Round 3: Giant (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Busting out of his belt (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Busting veins out of his skin (Winner: McGwire)
Round 6: Need for a dentist visit (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Lovers lost in the clouds (Winner: Tie)

Score: Clark 3, McGwire 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: No earthquakes broke up this Battle of the Bay, but, in the end, the two participants shook off society's conventions, embraced each other with their heads in the clouds and didn't let The Thrill's win come between them.

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One bootleg copy of "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
Key 1992 stat: 42 times using an airplane bathroom
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet:

• The F-14 for many years was the U.S. Navy's preferred fighter jet, capable of air superiority. Bernie Kosar for a few years was Cleveland's preferred quarterback, capable of air competency.
• When not in action, the F-14 spends much of its time resting on the deck of an aircraft carrier. When not in action, Bernie Kosar spent much of his time resting his head on a bar, passed out.
• The F-14 was capable of carrying up to six missiles to hit targets. Bernie Kosar usually needed more chances to hit a target.
• The F-14 was the featured aircraft in the 1986 blockbuster "Top Gun," a movie that raked in millions. Bernie Kosar was featured in the 2012 sports documentary "Broke," about athletes who have spent or lost all their millions.
• F-14 pilots wear flight suits that are designed to provide warmth, be fire-retardant and have lots of pockets. Bernie Kosar is wearing a prison jumpsuit with lots of patches glued to it and the collar popped.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Butler County Farm Level All-Stars
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 15 minutes of detention
Key 1992 stat: Baseball card companies were still using this same background 
One, two, three: Keeping with the notion put forth by Donruss of the triple play, here are three strange things about li'l Dutch:

1. Despite being only 10 years old, Daulton had already been charged with his first of many DUIs.
2. Despite his olive skin, his mom decided it would be a good idea to throw an olive-colored shirt on him for school picture day. GOSH, THANKS, MOM!
3. Despite sporting a peasant's bowl haircut, Daulton is wearing a striped silk cravat, like some sort of French gentleman.

Darren Daulton, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Gerald Perry
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: One of those blue arrows, jabbed in your eye
Key 1988 stat: Name was still better than "Gaylord"
Yep, that's disturbing all right: Gah, we can't even look at this card for very long. Maybe it's the way Perry's right eye points down while his left eye points up. Maybe it's the way the "A" on his hat is pointed right at us even though the hat brim is clearly cocked slightly to one side. Or maybe it's the rape stare that our friend Perez made Gerald Perry wear. Whatever it is, we're going to go huddle under our blankets until you move on to the next card. Hurry!

Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Rick Reuschel, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Reuschel
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: What's the opposite of "giant"?
Key 1988 stat: 2,218 times called "Big Daddy"
Egads! Another disturbing Diamond King: Uh, hey, Rick. What are you staring at? No, we didn't call you fat. What's that? You're a bit sensitive about having the nickname "Big Daddy"? Well, we're sorry. We didn't make it up. We don't think you're overweight. You're a heckofa pitcher. You have more than 200 wins. Um, why do you keep staring at us? Say something, Rick. Say something. What's that? What are you whispering? Why, yes, Rick, we, ah, love your grandma's quilt. Thanks for bringing it and hanging it behind you. Now can you quit staring at us, please?

Rick Reuschel, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six diamonds (playing cards, not gemstones)
Key 1987 stat: 412 children frightened
Baseball's back, and so are Diamond Kings: We're ruining a perfectly good week again. In the past, we brought you atrocious, god-awful and dreadful installments of this famed Donruss series, but we had an idea (just one): Why not focus on Diamond Kings that are more frightening than they are funny? Well, we were mentally exhausted with coming up with our one idea for the week, so we couldn't think of a reason to stop ourselves from bringing you Disturbing Diamond Kings Week. Again, we apologize in advance.
What makes this particular Diamond King so disturbing? Short answer: a lot of things. We can start with Calderon's parents, who appear by his name and his looks to be a Russian soldier and a Puerto Rican yeti. Then, of course, we have Calderon's exploding afro, which we can only imagine covered poor people over a 2-mile radius in Soul Glo juice. And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Calderon's time as a drummer. But perhaps the most disturbing thing on this card — no, not the cockeyed chin or octopus bangs — is the tiny Pete Incaviglia who has taken the place of a tiny Ivan Calderon. Now that's disturbing.

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton, 1989-90 Fleer All-Star (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 4)

Names: Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton
Teams: Utah Jazz, Western Conference All-Stars
Positions: Hall-of-Fame power forward, regular center, Hall-of-Fame point guard
Value of card: Four pasty legs
Key 1990 stat: 6,042 locker room jokes made off of Eaton's last name
It's time to bust some balls, Matchup style:

Round 1: Ginger beard (Winner: Eaton)
Round 2: Skin that won't make you snowblind (Winner: Malone)
Round 3: Looks just as goofy sitting as he does standing (Winner: Eaton)
Round 4: Shorts that keep everything snug (Winner: Tie between Eaton and Stockton)
Round 5: Actual muscle definition (Winner: Malone)
Round 6: Bowl haircut (Winner: Stockton)
Round 7: Ability to see Eaton's bald spot (Winner: Tie between Stockton and Malone)
Round 8: Elbows like spearheads (Winner: Malone)
Round 9: Too cool for wristbands (Winner: Stockton)

Final score: Malone 3, Eaton 2, Stockton 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: This shootout came down to the buzzer, but the Mailman elbowed his way to the top past the best assist man in NBA history and a guy who resembles an ogre.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton, 1989-90 Fleer All-Star (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 4)

Michael Jordan, Summer of '94 (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Over-under is 12 cents (Jordan took the over and lost)
Key 1993 stat: 994 ounces of sweat over 94 days of summer
Welcome to Ball-Busting Basketball Week: That's right, all you degenerate gamblers, it's NCAA tourney time, and things here at The Bust are heating up. While the nation watches its brackets get busted, we're about to treat our faithful readers (see: you, and about three other guys) to seven days of basketball cards that need their balls busted. So sit back, relax and try not to dunk your laptop in the garbage after reading these posts.
10 things Michael Jordan did in the summer of '94:
10) Stood in disbelief after one of countless terrible golf shots
9) Had someone else sign his name in gold leaf
8) Wore shorts that were long enough to be pants on normal-size human beings
7) Sweated under the heat of two suns and a basketball-orange sky
6) Caught so much air he ended up outside Mars
5) Wondered why the hell the Japanese flag's sun disk was included on a sports card
4) Worked as Paul Hogan's stunt double in the unreleased "Crocodile Dundee III: Drunk in Chicago"
3) Gambled. A lot.
2) Hit the links at his favorite country club on Tatooine under its twin suns
1) Spent hours working on his putts

Michael Jordan, Summer of '94 (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 1)

Alex Fernandez, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Alex Fernandez
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $2 off furniture from Target
Key 1996 stat: Awful proud of himself, isn't he?
Alex Fernandez's train of thought from 10:22 to 10:24 a.m., February 27, 1997: "This stool is really uncomfortable. Maybe if I just sit on the very corner of it. ... Ugh, that's a little better, but now it's violating my privacy. ... Finally, this guy's ready to take some photos. OK, I know, I'll show off both my four-seam grip and the side of my glove that has my name embroidered on it. I bet people will think that's real gold. ... Should I look at the camera? It might make me seem direct and honest. Or I could look at that fly on the ceiling. That might make me seem mysterious and aloof. You know, I bet I could hit it with the baseball." (Throws baseball) "Yeah, got him! Oops, the ball ricocheted and knocked out the photographer. Oh well, at least I can stand up now. Man, that hurt. That stupid stool knows me better than my own mother, now."

Alex Fernandez, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Jaromir Jagr, 1992-93 Bowman (Hockey Week No. 7)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Team NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: 75 years of pissing off your fans
Key 1992-93 stat: 1-inch overbite
Fun facts about Jaromir Jagr, who looks like he's 14 in the above photo, and the alcoholic beverage Jagermeister:

• Jagermeister is a German digestif made with 56 herbs and spices. Jagr is a Czech athlete with 56 zits on his face. 
• The makers of Jagermeister recommend that it be kept on ice and served cold. Jagr was rarely cold when he was on the ice.
• The term "jagermeister" once was used as a title for senior foresters in the German civil service. Jagr once woke up in the forest after drinking too much Jagermeister.
• Jagermeister has a picture of a deer head on it. Jagr has another woodland creature, possibly a wolverine, on his head.
• Jagermeister tastes similar to black licorice. So did Jagr's mullet.
• A mixture of Jagermeister and Red Bull is called a Jagerbomb. After eating a trio of gas station hot dogs for dinner, Jaromir's bathroom experienced a Jagrbomb.

Jaromir Jagr, 1992-93 Bowman (Hockey Week No. 7)

Steve Yzerman, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be a Player (Hockey Week No. 1)

Name: Steve Yzerman
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Center
Value of card: On a scale of 1 to 10, it's 90210
Key 1994-95 stat: Came in last on a lot of roll calls
Break out the Zambonis, eh, hockey season's a-comin': When word spread that the NHL owners and players had reached a labor deal and agreed to play an abbreviated season starting this Saturday, we here at the Bust, like so many other Americans, said, "Hey, wait, hockey was supposed to have started?" Then we realized we could count on one hand the number of hockey cards we've featured, and we decided to fix that. So strap on those skates and fire up your copy of "Slap Shot"      it's Hockey Week.
Putting the "why" in Stevie Y: At first, this photo of Steve Yzerman seems like nothing more than an embarrassing, dated collectible, but the more we stared at it      and we stared a long time      the more we started to see some symbolism here. Look at the fear in Yzerman's eyes, the tension with which he's gripping the chair, the excitement in his mullet, and the way his hiney is prominently displayed in those dad jeans. Then you notice he's wearing an incredible NHL Players' Association letterman's jacket, and you realize that this card is a representation of the 2012-13 lockout. After all, this photo wasn't the last time the NHLPA was bent over a piece of furniture.

Steve Yzerman, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be a Player (Hockey Week No. 1)