Calvin Schiraldi, 1990 Topps

Name: Calvin Schiraldi
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An old disposable camera with no film left
Key 1989 stat: It wasn't 1986
Time for a rant: Hey, nice photo here, Topps. It's amazing you were able to get this picture considering that it looks like the stadium behind him was being vaporized. Or was the horrendous background exposure your way of keeping Calvin Schiraldi's location a secret, confounding any Red Sox fans who might have wanted to take revenge on the losing pitcher of Games 6 and 7 of the '86 World Series? If so, that's fine work, because it's barely even possible to tell that this is a ball field. But, hey, at least you got a great shot of Schiraldi himself. What, you couldn't find more brown shirts to swaddle this guy with? Did you even tell him it was photo day ahead of time? The poor S.O.B. looks like he just woke up on the locker room floor after a night of shooting cherry-flavored vodka with Eric Show. Card collectors everywhere must have been really proud to acquire this gem.

Calvin Schiraldi, 1990 Topps

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Paul Mirabella
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A beer with a cigarette butt in it
Key 1988 stat: One shot of Old Grand-Dad for every strikeout — so, not too many shots
Paul Mirabella's train of thought from 11:21 to 11:23 a.m., Sept. 12, 1988: "Guh. Maybe those last six shots of warm gin weren't such a good idea last night. ... Skip better not ask me to pitch today — if I have to take off this jacket, everyone's gonna know I'm wearing the same jersey as yesterday. Of course, now there's a big puke stain on the front of it. And it's not even my own. ... God, I can smell the cherry-flavored vodka coming out of my pores. ... There's probably enough day-old Miller High Life left in my mustache to make it the Champagne of Facial Hair. ... All I want to do is go lay down in the locker room, but that stupid kid Sheffield's in there polishing his gold chains. ... Screw it, that's the last time I play 'I Never' with Yount."

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards, 1990 Fleer

Names: Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Poor prospects
Key career stat (Kinzer only): 13.20 ERA
Fun facts about Wayne Edwards and Matt Kinzer:

• Wayne Edwards would like to know how your day was. Matt Kinzer doesn't give a good crap about your day. Now get him a beer.
• Edwards wasn't afraid to throw inside if a hitter was crowding the plate. Kinzer wasn't afraid to bean a mascot for being too damn fuzzy.
• Edwards worked hard on his mechanics. Kinzer is now working as a mechanic.
• Edwards made appearances in the White Sox lineup in three different years. Kinzer has made appearances in police lineups and served three to five years.
• Edwards kept a splitter up his sleeve as his strikeout pitch. Kinzer kept a fifth of cherry-flavored vodka in that plastic sleeve of his.
• Edwards was always excited to take the mound. Kinzer once snorted a mound.
• Edwards was about to record a punch-out in his photo above. Kinzer was about to punch out the photographer, who told him to say "cheese."

Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards, 1990 Fleer

Geronimo Pena, 1992 Topps

Name: Geronimo Pena
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Second base
Value of card: Carpal tunnel syndrome
Key 1991 stat: Nobody knew what he looked like
Misadventures in Photoshop: Two years had passed since Topps' much-criticized Photoshop series involving Twins pine-rider Al Newman. The staffers at Topps, of course, had learned nothing. Late one night, drunk on peppermint schnapps and cherry-flavored vodka, the photo editors decided to 'shop out the face of Cardinals utility infielder Geronimo Pena and replace it with random people. Above we see Topps janitor Felipe Jimenez. Most of the faces that made it to print were more well-known, including Bruce Springsteen, "Ghost" co-stars Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, Abraham Lincoln and Santa Claus. Controversy erupted, and "Road House" star Swayze went so far as to sue Topps, saying, "If I were a baseball player, you'd better damn well believe I'd hit more than five home runs."

Geronimo Pena, 1992 Topps

Zane Smith, 1991 Topps

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A toothache
Key 1990 stat: Constantly made this face
Top 10 things in Zane Smith's mouth in this photo:
10) Marbles
9) Dentures
8) A tumor
7) A Pittsburgh Pirates officially licensed tongue piercing
6) A pound of chew
5) An entire McRib
4) Two shots of Andy Van Slyke's cherry-flavored vodka
3) One of Bobby Bonilla's socks
2) Mullet juice
1) Another clipboard

Zane Smith, 1991 Topps

Greg Smith and Stu Tate, 1990 Fleer

Names: Greg Smith, Stu Tate
Teams: Chicago Cubs, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Infield, pitcher
Value of card: One copy of the May 1987 Highlights magazine
Key lifetime stat: 29 combined career games
Fun facts about Greg Smith and Stu Tate:

• Greg Smith lays his coat over puddles for women to walk on. Stu Tate opens his raincoat around women for other reasons.
• Greg Smith enters a house of worship every Sunday. Stu Tate enters a house of ill repute every Saturday night.
• Greg Smith likes to take his dog for a walk in the park. Stu Tate likes to take a handle of cherry-flavored vodka to the park and pass out there.
• Greg Smith takes good care of his body. Stu Tate has stolen at least five kidneys from other people's bodies.
• Greg Smith takes his vitamins. Stu Tate sells pills in alleyways.
• Greg Smith likes to read books. Stu Tate likes to make books.
• Greg Smith takes pride in his hygiene. Stu Tate smells like a week's worth of blood sausage and Hai Karate.

Greg Smith and Stu Tate, 1990 Fleer

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Positions: Outfield, wino
Value of card: $2 coupon for a bottle of Night Train
Key 1992 stat: One liver transplant
Have another one, you lush: For shame, Andy Van Slyke. Sure, everyone has smelled the hooch on your breath in the locker room, but this time you've gone too far. What, that bottle of Thunderbird couldn't wait until after the game? You're a mess, tripping over the AstroTurf, having your third base coach carry you off the field, and likely soiling yourself in the process. What kind of example are you setting for the children, taking the field with a flask of cherry-flavored vodka under your cap, already drunk on fortified wine and tallboys of Natty Ice? You disgust me, sir.

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Jerry Reuss, 1990 Topps

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Milwaukee Brewers, kind of
Position: N/A
Value of card: A lifetime of smiles
Key 1989 stat: One dugout sat in

A dad's dream: It was mid-September 1989 and Brewers prospect Bobby Reuss had recently been called up from Triple-A Denver. The Brewers, long out of the playoff race, decided to treat their young call-ups by inviting their fathers to each sit in the dugout — decked out in full uniform — for one game. For Bobby's father, Jerry, it was a dream come true. Jerry spent the entire game regaling the Brew Crew with Army stories, including the time in basic that he and his buddies got wicked drunk off a bottle of cherry-flavored vodka and ended up puking on the drill sergeant's doorstep. He cornered Robin Yount in the third inning, telling him all about the Ford Mustang he bought on the cheap back in '71 and how he used to race it on the outskirts of Phoenix. Of course, the crack photography crew at Topps confused Jerry for an actual player, snapping a photo and asking about his hobbies for notes on the back of the card. The proud papa went on for the next 30 minutes about his love for pinochle and cribbage, and how he still loved to take the missus out to a movie show every now and again. Reuss then fell asleep for innings five through seven. Eventually, manager Tom Trebelhorn was forced to ask the elder Reuss to leave when, after waking up, he wandered onto the field and asked the home plate umpire if they still used those ball-strike counters like when he played in high school.

Jerry Reuss, 1990 Topps