Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Jones
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 chewed, broken pencils with no lead
Key 1976 stat: 11 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Quite the portrait: Um, Topps, what the hell is going on here? We have a normal-looking pitcher with a more-than-normal name with an odd tuft of chest hair. All in all, a pretty standard card — one you normally wouldn't find on The Bust. But then there's the small issue of this card being some kind of an illustration. An illustration? What is this, a precursor to the Diamond King? Some crazy printing error? A joke played on collectors? Or is it a curious solution to the Mariners coming into existence in 1977? In truth, it's all four. Excellent work, Topps!

Rick Jones, 1977 Topps

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Priceless for Mets fans
Key 1986 stat: 1 error; heard about it?
Here's what Bill Buckner stands for:

Boston, give the guy a break.
It's time we moved past 1986.
Leave him alone, for the love of god.
Let's remember him for more than just one play, folks.

Bro, it's getting old.
Under that cap is a sensitive soul in need of forgiveness.
Can't we see this player for the man he was?
Kind, gentle, compassionate, eyebrowed.
Never forget: The mustache makes the man.
Error aside, that chest hair is the real flub.
Ripping on his assortment of different kinds of hair, instead of the error, is doing the man a service.

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Kelly Tripucka, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 7)

Name: Kelly Tripucka
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Forward (right, ladies?)
Value of card: 11 dead, wingless hornets
Key 1988-89 stat: One "F" missing from last name
Looking good in Charlotte: Gaze upon it, dear readers. It's the late 1980s, mullets are high fashion, and Kelly Tripucka is rockin' a winner that's matched only by his on-the-court skirt. Sure, Tripucka looks like Ben Stiller, but when you have a mullet like that ... what's that? Wait ... a ... second! Holy hemorrhaging hemorrhoids, that's no mullet! That's a conjoined twin bulging from Tripucka's back! The hair from one twin is making it look like the other is all business up front and party in the back. Well, you can't fool the Bust, Ben Stiller. You're stricken from the Mullet Hall of Fame. But, we will give you credit for the chest sweater you're hiding under that tank.

Kelly Tripucka, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 7)

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Name: Kevin Ross
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken arrowhead
Key 1991 stat: Four diseases caught from dirty stairwells
It's time for a studly Caption: "His lips sensually parted, Chiefs defensive back Kevin Ross stares thoughtfully into the distance and flexes every muscle in his body while relaxing on a sticky Arrowhead Stadium staircase and wearing only a satiny-soft pair of athletic shorts and a few splotches of chest hair Wednesday in Kansas City."

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:

• Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
• Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
• Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
• Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
• "Spanky" Frankie Zupo

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps

Name: Warren Brusstar
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three gold-star stickers with the sticky worn off
Key 1978 stat: 12 gloves played with (under the covers)
It's time for a late-1970s pop quiz:

In what ways does Warren put the "star" in Brusstar?

(A) His chest hair throws a 92-mph, hard-breaking slider.
(B) His afro never met a hat it couldn't push into orbit.
(C) His blue-eyed, steely stare forced Phillies management to alter the team's uniform colors.
(D) His unbridled anger forced a shoddy blog to rerun a mediocre baseball card of him.
(E) All of the above.

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Name: Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Your life flashing before your eyes
Key 1980 stat: Beard made of demon souls
Answer this question, if you dare: What is Al Hrabosky thinking about in this photo?

A) Murder
B) Slaying
C) Homicide
D) Killing
E) What are you still doing here? Run for your damn life, you fool!

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Barry Jones, 1989 Donruss

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two rolls of overexposed negatives
Key 1988 stat: Two cards, one face, one pose
A salute to Barry Jones: Barry Jones is a Bust favorite. Sure, he's a little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33, but he's our little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33. He looks like he just woke up on the wrong side of a 12-day bender, and he's the only player in Major League Baseball history whose pits smelled so bad every one of his baseball cards was a revolting scratch-and-sniff. His mustache tumbles over his lips like the Pacific's waves break over the soft sand and his chest hair reaches for the sky, just like the man himself. He was voted the whitest of the Sox and would brag to strangers about the rare occasion when he would wash his hair. But most of all, he commanded respect, which can be seen in this portrait that Donruss must have noticed was crooked, ill-composed and out of focus but didn't care enough about Jones to reshoot.

Barry Jones, 1989 Donruss

Franco Harris, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 7)

Names: Franco Harris, unnamed child
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, O'Deas Valley Preschool
Positions: Fullback (retired), covered in own spit-up (always)
Value of card: One used Binky
Key 1990 stat: One birth, one beard
It's time for a man-vs.-child version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Childlike look in the eye (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Child's carefree attitude about grooming (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: No resemblance to a modern-day football player (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Tooth under pillow for tooth fairy (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Completely awestruck by a bunch of balloons (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Needs to, ahem, be changed (Winner: Tie)

Score: Harris 0, unnamed child 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: One was an old man, the other a tiny baby, but deep down, these two were more alike than different, which was reinforced by Harris and the unnamed child both wearing white onesies.

Franco Harris, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 7)

Israel Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Israel Sanchez
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 agora (smallest denomination of Israeli currency)
Key 1988 stat: Two red eyes not completely Photoshopped out of image
"Israel Sanchez" sounds like a pseudonym; 10 other pseudonyms this guy might have used:
10) Guatemala Gonzalez
9) Fiji Ruiz
8) Mexico Munoz
7) Chile Rodriguez
6) Zimbabwe Salazar
5) Croatia Ortega
4) China Chavez
3) United States of America Martinez
2) Palestinian Territories Perez
1) Chad

Israel Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Bruce Sutter, Rollie Fingers
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closers
Value of card: To barbers, priceless
Key 1981 stat: 22,142,861 hairs
It's time for the hairiest edition of The Matchup of all time:

Round 1: Beard (Winner: Sutter)
Round 2: Mustache (Winner: Fingers)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Chest hair (Winner: Sutter)
Round 5: Eyebrows (Winner: Fingers)
Round 6: Bangs (Winner: Sutter)
Round 7: Um, hair down there (Winner: No one)

Score: Sutter 3, Fingers 2, Ties 1, Puke 1

Synopsis: A couple of Hair Hall of Famers squared off in The Matchup, and they didn't disappoint, with both proving they're a cut above but Sutter squeaking out a razor-thin victory.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Name: Howard Hilton
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, hotel magnate impersonator
Value of card: 12 ounces of man sweat
Key 1989 stat: 236 nights at the Hilton (what Howard called his parents' basement)
It's art (plus an "F"): Take a bow, Bowman, take a bow. Just look at this gem. It's yet another example of the inventive, innovative, outside-the-box thinking for which this card set is known. What else is it known for? Straightforward poses, mangy mullets, unshaven faces, tufts of chest hair, gallons of sweat stinking of last night's booze, and monotonous backgrounds that add absolutely nothing to an already worthless card. Yup, this is something special. Not only is this guy a slob's slob, but we get to gaze upon this pigpen without any distractions, doodads or creativity getting in the way. The accommodations here? Less Hilton, more fleabag motel.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Aurelio Rodriguez, 1990 ProCards

Name: Aurelio Rodriguez
Team: Toledo Mud Hens
Position: Coach
Value of card: Mud, no hens
Key 1989 stat: Coached under a guy named Wockenfuss
Fun facts about Aurelio Rodriguez and his chest hair:

• When Rodriguez removes his shirt, you can see the Virgin Mary in that mat of manliness.
• A slave to fashion, he kept his chest hair up that high so it looked like he was always wearing a bow tie.
• He never needed to wear a coat or sweater.
• As part of hazing, Mud Hens newcomers had to comb the crumbs out of Rodriguez's fur.
• Aurelio Rodriguez fit right in in Toledo, Ohio.

Bonus not-making-this-up fun fact: Rodriguez's card in the 1969 Topps set actually features a photo of Angels bat boy Leonard Garcia.

Aurelio Rodriguez, 1990 ProCards

Craig Stadler, 1991 Pro Set (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Name: Craig "The Walrus" Stadler
Team: A man big enough to be his own team
Position: Ball hitter
Value of card: Three walrus whiskers
Key 1990 stat: 43 busted pants buttons
A fitting end to Another Alternative Sports Week: It has been a predictably underwhelming seven days, but we've managed to pick up a few readers who prefer sports that Europeans watch thanks to posts on golf, soccer and the like. So, in the end, we're all winners. (Except for the athletes. To them, our apologies. To the readers: Sorry to you guys, too.)
Fun facts about the Pacific walrus (O. rosmarus divergens) and Craig "The Walrus" Stadler:

• Save for orca and, in some areas, polar bears, the Pacific walrus is at the top of the food chain. Save for galaxy-devouring black holes, and, in some areas, polar bears, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler is at the top of the food chain.
• The whiskers of the Pacific walrus are a highly sensitive organ capable of differentiating among minuscule shapes. The whiskers of Craig "The Walrus" Stadler are a highly sensitive mouth eyebrow capable of storing weeks' worth of food for later consumption.
• The blubber layer below the Pacific walrus' skin is up to 6 inches thick. The blubber layer below Craig "The Walrus" Stadler's skin is, uh, see previous.
• The Pacific walrus spends a majority of its waking hours seeking its preferred meal, the mollusk. Craig "The Walrus" Stadler spends a majority of his waking hours seeking his preferred meal, the meatball hero.
• Partly because of its size and distinctive appearance, the Pacific walrus plays an important role in many Arctic cultures, most notably the Chukchi. Partly because of his size and distinctive appearance, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler plays an important role at many PGA functions, most notably the buffet line.

Craig Stadler, 1991 Pro Set (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Jeremy Hernandez, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jeremy Hernandez
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not nearly enough to buy property in San Diego
Key 1991 stat: 270 curls in mullet
Jeremy Hernandez's train of thought from 3:13 to 3:15 p.m., Feb. 22, 1992: "All right, Upper Deck photo shoot. Let's do this. ... This photographer seems like kind of an a-hole. ... Hey, it's not a mullet! I just haven't had time to get to the barber this year. ... Who is this guy, making fun of my mustache? Sir, I'll have you know I spent all week growing this thing. ... Yeah, actually, this is the most expensive chain I could afford. ... You know what, buddy? If I had grown up with your mother, I wouldn't think much of my chest hair, either. ... That's it. Let's see how funny you think I am after I sneak the Old Number F-U outside the glove for this next shot. Jerk."

Jeremy Hernandez, 1992 Upper Deck

Bob Welch, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 44)

Name: Bob Welch
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Gift certificate for three minutes of studio time with an idiot photographer
Key 1990 stat: 44 straight minutes of one-ball juggling
Bob Welch's train of thought from 10:13 to 10:14 April 10, 1991: "OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball, Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh!"

Bob Welch, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 44)