Bruce Bochy, 1987 Fleer

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A nickel, swallowed and then crapped out
Key 1986 stat: Hated having his photo taken, apparently
Other than a 35-pound chew, here's what else could be in Bruce Bochy's mouth:

• His catcher's mask
• A second (and third) mustache
• The San Diego Chicken's headpiece
• A whole case of sunflower seeds
• A roll of film he forcibly took from the cameraman
• Rookie Benny Santiago's entire lunch
• A 65-pound chew

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Fleer

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rey Palacios
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A mouthful of paper
Key 1988 stat: One hit
If you don't know, you'd better ask somebody: What all is in Rey Palacios' mouth?

A) His catcher's mask
B) An entire rack of baby back ribs
C) A wad of chaw the size of Arrowhead Stadium
D) The unfortunate result of rookie hazing
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Rey Palacios, 1989 Upper Deck

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Name: Doug Bird
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scrambled eggs, complete with eggshells
Key 1980 stat: Bird was not the word
Fun facts about not-very-good pitcher Doug Bird and actual birds:

• Most actual birds use their wings to fly. Doug Bird's wings couldn't get him off the ground, but they did stick out from under his hat.
• Birds use their beaks for many purposes including hunting, grooming and courtship. Doug Bird used his mustache for many purposes, including saving food for later and courtship, but seldom was grooming involved.
• Birds reproduce by laying and hatching eggs. Doug Bird once ate 74 eggs in one day.
• Some birds, like pelicans, can store pounds of food in their gullets. Doug Bird is seen above storing pounds of chew in his gullet.
• Many birds are lithe and graceful. Doug Bird once tripped over his own rosin bag.

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Name: Bob Sykes
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $50      Syke!
Key 1978 stat: Didn't know how to pose for a photo
It's a rather awkward edition of The Caption: "Tigers pitcher Bob Sykes does a series of lunges in the dirt while wearing a winter jacket that doesn't fit him and chewing an entire can of Copenhagen that he stuffed into his mushroom-shaped head during spring training Friday in Lakeland, Fla."

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Name: Tom Filer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One file folder, ripped in half
Key 1982 stat: Made his last major league appearance for three years
Here's what Tom Filer stands for:

Traded to the Blue Jays for a steak dinner and a cab ride
Overtly afraid of exposing his forearms
Mouth full of chew, among other substances

Filer wasn't just his name      it was the job he was best at ...
It certainly wasn't baseball
Little advice, Tom: You might want to close your mouth during the photo shoot
Enormous head, but not an enormous arm
Reality for Filer: Blue eyes, blue uniform, blue Cubs fans

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Name: Jay Buhner
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One frightened child
Key 1995 stat: Chewed through 22 bats
Fun facts about Jay Buhner and the North American beaver:

• The beaver has been extensively hunted for its fur. Buhner has extensively hunted for ways to grow hair.
• The beaver can be regularly found at its home in various bodies of water. Buhner spends lots of time at various watering holes.
• The beaver's young are primarily taken care of by their mother. Buhner's young, as seen above, is wishing desperately for his mother.
• Female beavers are often larger than their male counterparts of the same age. Buhner also liked his women larger than him.
• The beaver is known to eat the water lily, which bears a resemblance to a cabbage stalk. The last time Buhner ate cabbage, it was in sauerkraut and served on top of a 5-foot-long frankfurter at an eating competition.
• When alarmed, the beaver will slap the surface of the water with its broad tail. Buhner has alarmed many broads by slapping them below the tailbone.

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Pete Incaviglia, 1989 Donruss

Name: Pete Incaviglia
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, chewing tobacco pitchman
Value of card: $1.99 for a can of Kodiak Wintergreen
Key 1988 stat: 14,097 chews taken
Advertisement for Kodiak chewing tobacco, circa 1989: "Hey, sports fans. I'm Pete Incaviglia, a major league slugger with a major league hankering for some Carolina-grown chewing tobacco. And when I want a hefty chew with bite, I reach for Kodiak, America's favorite fiberglass-flavored chewing tobacco. Hitting a curveball may be hard, but grabbing a Kodiak is easy. Just head to the store, throw down two bucks, stuff a massive lipper in your gums, and put the can in your back pocket. Because remember, sports fans, when you want a chew with bite, grab the bear; it belongs on your butt."

Pete Incaviglia, 1989 Donruss

Chris Bosio, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 5)

Name: Chris Bosio
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A clear, 4-ounce cup filled with a mixture of chew spit and mullet hair
Key 1989 stat: 32 "slimming" pinstripes
You're in the presence of greatness: Well, here it is. This is the most interesting card in the 1990 Bowman set. Cast your gaze upon it. It's the pinnacle of a mountain peak that's below sea level. Sure, it's a face shot, but he's turned to the side. Wow. Turned to the side: genius. And, unlike most of the cards in this set, the player isn't wearing a spring training batting jersey. What a treat. What. A. Treat. Bowman was even kind enough to throw in an uneven mustache, a sopping-wet mullet and a cheek full of chew. What gifts these are for the collector. And, don't look now, but there are actual people in the background, not just blurry primary colors. What will they think of next? (Answer: nothing.)

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Chris Bosio, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 5)

Tim Crews, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Tim Crews
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A gerbil's shadow
Key 1991 stat: 14-pound cup
10 things going on when this photo was taken:
10) Crews' leg was breaking.
9) Mustache contest.
8) A mildly handsome middle relief pitcher was starring in a Converse commercial.
7) Stirrups were having trouble staying connected all the way up a leg to a jockstrap.
6) Crews was pitching (a tent).
5) A guy in an L.A. Dodgers hat was throwing up gang signs.
4) By the look of the runner behind Crews, the Dodgers were playing the Dodgers. Both teams lost.
3) A professional baseball player — no surprise here — was swallowing his chewing tobacco spit.
2) Crews' bulge was throwing off his equilibrium, thus knocking him off the mound.
1) Seizure.

Tim Crews, 1992 Upper Deck

Ralph Houk, 1991 Swell Baseball Greats (Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Name: Ralph Houk
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager (catcher, about 40 years before this photo was taken)
Value of card: An abandoned home in the Highland Park area in Detroit (squatting crackheads included)
Key 1990 stat: Still breathing
Just a swell leader of men: Look at old Ralphie. He's such a swell guy, they named a whole baseball card set after him. What a rascal: He doesn't even care that he has three chunks of chew hanging off the right side of his mouth. Aww, that Ralphie. What an ideal representative for the wonderful city of Detroit. His skin is made from the same leather that was used in Cadillacs from 1968 to 1971. After his heart surgery, he has more of a motor pumping blood than an organ. And that voice. Few know that before he was a player and a manager, he was the frontman for Ralphie and the Runners, a pioneering Motown group, whose hits included "Two Balls on Us," "We Love Bang-Bang Plays" and "Bunt is Just One Letter Away from You." Aww, Ralphie, you're what makes baseball great.

Ralph Houk, 1991 Swell Baseball Greats (Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Lenny Dykstra, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 42)

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Center field
Value of card: Three "refried" dips of chewing tobacco
Key 1990 stat: 7-inch turtleneck
A look at Lenny Dykstra, By the Numbers:

Hits, career: 1,298
Chews, career: 1.298 million
Batting average, career: .285
Bowl cut average, career: 1.000
Stolen bases, career: 285
Stolen business ideas, post-career: 285
Home runs, career: 81
Failed businesses, post-career: 81
Salary total, career: $29.8 million
Bankruptcy total, post-career: $29.8 million

Lenny Dykstra, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 42)

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps

Name: Larry Milbourne
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop-second base
Value of card: Six water bottles filled with tobacco spit
Key 1979 stat: 14,390 chews taken
10 things Milbourne might be chewing in his left cheek:
10) The ball from his first, and only, hit of the season
9) A fish thrown at his face at Pike Place Market
8) An actual mariner
7) 1.5 pounds of bubblegum stolen from a chubby kid in row 1
6) Cancer
5) The Topps logo that's mysteriously not on this card
4) A third batting glove covered in chewing tobacco spit
3) The second "R" in his first name that he left out of his signature
2) His other lambchop
1) A chew, a chew, a chew, a chew and another chew

Larry Milbourne, 1980 Topps

Rod Beck, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three "refried" chews
Key 1993 stat: Three addictions kicked; three others relished
Rod Beck, By the Numbers:

48: saves in 1993
48: beers consumed in one sitting, 18 times, 1993
2.16: ERA in 1993
2.16: normal-sized chews taken at once
76: games, 1993
76: games pitched with a hangover, 1993
13: walks, 1993
13: pounds of mullet, 1993
.750: win-loss percentage, 1993
.750: bulge-to-thigh ratio, 1993

Rod Beck, 1994 Upper Deck

Charlie Kerfeld, 1988 Topps

Name: Charlie Kerfeld
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Two noogies
Key 1987 stat: Kept jacket zipped at all times to hide man boobs
Nerd alert: Poor old Charlie Kerfeld never really fit in. He was a pitcher, but his fastball was so slow it looked like it was moving backward. No one ever told him you were supposed to spit out the chew. He grew a mullet like the rest of the 1980s ballplayers, but it really just looked like a dead ferret. He heard earrings were gaining popularity, but he only had enough money to put a lead fishing weight in his piercing. He wore a jacket to cover up his girth, but never learned how to pop his collar. So, for all us other misfits and outcasts, we say to you, Charlie Kerfeld: Nice glasses, loser!

Charlie Kerfeld, 1988 Topps

Walter Johnson, 1983 Donruss Hall of Fame Heroes

Name: Walter Johnson

Team: Washington Senators

Position: Ace

Key 1918 stat: 158 complete games

Key 1982 stat: Dead

10 things you might not know about Walter Johnson:

10) He chewed an entire can of chewing tobacco at once, at all times.

9) Because he pitched from 1907 to 1927, it makes sense to make him look 147 on this card.

8) His hat had no brim; his head, no hair.

7) He played baseball in a bountiful land of no buildings.

6) He nicknamed his bulge the Roaring 20, then changed it to Walter Johnson Jr.

5) He had as many chins as years played.

4) Part man, part horse, all mean.

3) Career numbers: 5,712 complete games, 1.4 million innings pitched, dead at 39.

2) He wore your mother's bed sheets as his uniform.

1) His fastball caused the Great Depression.

Walter Johnson, 1983 Donruss Hall of Fame Heroes

Erik Pappas, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Erik Pappas
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Catcher, outfield
Value of card: One melon rind
Key 1993 stat: 47 pounds gained
Hunger, just not for the game: Erik Pappas wasn't very good at baseball. He spent a lot of time in the dugout, bored, watching his teammates play the game he loved while he pined for any sort of attention from manager Joe Torre. Then he began eating. At first it was just sunflower seeds or a little beef jerky. Then he moved on to heartier fare, bringing in a whole pizza or a bowl of cut-up cheddar cheese, as seen on this card. By the end of the 1993 season, Pappas carried a George Foreman Grill with him wherever he went, had grease stains on all of his uniform pants and smelled vaguely of turkey burgers. On the plus side, he finally looked like a catcher.

Erik Pappas, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Cecil Espy, 1989 Fleer

Name: Cecil Espy
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield

Value of card: A mouthful

Key 1988 stat: 196,390 swallows

Time to choose your own adventure: You are Cecil Espy, second-year outfielder for the Texas Rangers. You've just done a big favor — yes, that kind of favor — for manager Bobby Valentine in order to lock up a starting position on Opening Day. You know Bobby V isn't the most, um, hygienic guy around. What do you do with the "remnants"?

To spit it into this intrusive camera guy's lens, click here.

To pass it on to somebody even more disgusting, click here.

To just swallow, baby, click here.

Cecil Espy, 1989 Fleer

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Name: Bret Saberhagen

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Ace

Value of card: One ball of yarn

Key 1990 stat: 214 scoreless innings pitched in the middle of the night, alone

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that giant circle behind Bret Saberhagen?

(A) The aura put off by his flawlessly maintained mullet

(B) The rising sun, foreshadowing a promising career's demise into the Japanese leagues

(C) A puddle of chewing tobacco spit from the cheek wad drawn by the illustrator

(D) Red dwarf star, which, coincidentally, was the nickname given to Saberhagen in the locker room

(E) All of the above

Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Jerry Augustine, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jerry Augustine

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Positions: Pitcher, rascal

Value of card: Hold on; we'll write it on a clipboard

Key 1983 stat: 1,016 times yelled at by manager

A step below adult behavior: Jerry Augustine was a troublemaker. During games, he'd curl up on dugout steps and take a nap until Brewers manager Harvey Kuenn yelled, waking him from his slumber. Augustine would chew huge wads of tobacco and spit into the Gatorade cooler. He would wear ridiculous bright-blue pants when the rest of the team wore white. He would draw crude pictures of airplanes and boobs on a clipboard instead of tracking pitches. He never cleaned the chew from his mustache or washed his mullet. Augustine always seemed surprised when Kuenn yelled at him, looking back at the skipper with a child's "What did I do?" face. Kuenn spent most his time during games keeping an eye the pitcher and scolding him with trips to "timeout" and by taking away his TV privileges. Finally, the constant scolding became too much for the old manager. He took Augustine out of the rotation and let him doodle on his clipboard during games for the rest of the season. This allowed Augustine to come up with his finest pitch: a blueprint of his Boeing B-17 Flying Bosom Bomber for the Army.

Fun fact: The stain on the top of this card is Augustine's chew spit, raising the card's value to nearly 2 cents.

Jerry Augustine, 1984 Fleer

Whitey Herzog, 1990 Topps

Name: Whitey Herzog
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Manager
Value of card: 16 pounds of chew
Key 1989 stat: One racially insensitive nickname
A very managerial pop quiz:

What has Whitey Herzog so flabbergasted?

A) Nothing. He's just got an entire log of chewing tobacco in his mouth.
B) Nothing. If you sat next to Jack Clark all game, you'd breathe through your mouth, too.
C) Nothing. He just can't stop singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing."
D) He just saw Willie McGee's face.

(E) All of the above

Whitey Herzog, 1990 Topps