Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Name: Dale Carter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: A soggy receipt from Taco Bell
Key 1992 stat: 1,503 gallons of water wasted
First towel off, then take this pop quiz: What the heck is Dale Carter doing?

A) Practicing waterboarding so he can work for the CIA after his football days are over
B) Always shy of showering in the locker room, this is how Dale bathed at Arrowhead
C) Washing out his eyes after a particularly bad rookie hazing stunt
D) Having a drinking problem
E) All of the above

Dale Carter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 68)

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Name: Christian Okoye
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One red cent
Key 1991 stat: Drank 25 cases of Killian's Irish Red
Time for a pop quiz about the Nigerian Nightmare: So, what's with all the red?

A) Okoye's apartment was directly across the street from a Kenny Rogers Roasters.
B) That's just Okoye's darkroom. He was really into photography     of his biceps.
C) Due to poor contract negotiations, Okoye was forced to work in Amsterdam's Red Light District during the offseason.
D) Okoye's contract was fine      he just dug working in the Red Light District.
E) None of the above.

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Name: Marty Schottenheimer
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 4 strands of wool
Key 1990 stat: 4 "Tecmo Bowl" plays used in a game
Some fashion tips from coach Marty Schottenheimer:

• "Your sweater should have at least five sections; but six or more is preferred."
• "Whenever you can put a logo on your slacks, do it. Ladies love logos."
• "When you get a new hat, don't adjust it. In fact, don't even look at it. Just put it on your head."
• "There's nothing wrong with feminine cuffs."
• "Have your great-aunt sew you a sweater when you have to look your best."
• "Wool is the perfect fabric for special occasions."

Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Name: Kevin Ross
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken arrowhead
Key 1991 stat: Four diseases caught from dirty stairwells
It's time for a studly Caption: "His lips sensually parted, Chiefs defensive back Kevin Ross stares thoughtfully into the distance and flexes every muscle in his body while relaxing on a sticky Arrowhead Stadium staircase and wearing only a satiny-soft pair of athletic shorts and a few splotches of chest hair Wednesday in Kansas City."

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One end zone seat approximately half a mile from the field
Key 1994 stat: 104 pounds of delicious barbecued meat eaten
Ummmm: Why is Joe Montana so happy?

A) Because he just threw a wedge of Swiss cheese shaped and painted like the Chiefs logo.
B) Because it's raining Gobstoppers.
C) Because he's delighted that the shadow of the goalpost is falling in a completely different direction than the shadow of his arm.
D) Because that little half-size upright is hilarious.
E) Because the artist who drew this card shared some of what he was smoking.

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Neil Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 16)

Name: Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Two sweaty ankle socks
Key 1991 stat: One offensive decal on helmet that had to be censored
You'll put your eye out, kid: Boom, there it is. You're staring straight at it, and even though it makes you uncomfortable, you can't seem to look anywhere else. It's so large, it's casting a foot-long shadow below itself, and while it's just a silly football card, you know that you will forever be in that shadow. I mean, nobody will ever have a flat top that awesome ever again. Hold on, what were you looking at that whole time?

Neil Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 16)

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Names: Barry Sanders, Christian Okoye
Teams: Detroit Lions, Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Running backs
Value of card: 14 rotten eggs, smashed on your head while you sleep
Key 1989 stats: About 14,000 rushing yards (each)
It's time for a fast and powerful version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Unbelievable maneuverability (Winner: Sanders)
Round 2: Unstoppable power (Winner: Okoye)
Round 3: Thunder (Winner: Okoye)
Round 4: Lightning (Winner: Sanders)
Round 5: Doubting look (Winner: Sanders)
Round 6: Doubted facial hair (Winner: Okoye)
Round 7: Better nickname (Winner: Okoye)

Score: Okoye 4, Sanders 3

Synopsis: It was a memorable Matchup between two legendary running backs, but, this time, the Nigerian Nightmare bests the Hall of Famer, with a little help from "Tecmo Bowl" and a lot of help from a nickname.

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Derrick Thomas, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 2)

Name: Derrick "Attack Cat" Thomas
Team: Kansas City Creeps
Position: Linebacker
Fright value of card: Three coughed-up hair balls
Key 1993 splat: 14 sacks (of yarn)
Cat-scratch fever: Last year for Halloween Week, we brought you monsters, ghouls, ghosts and pieces of ice. This year, we're bringing you a even more spooky schmucks, including the Attack Cat, Derrick Thomas, who could only scare paraplegic mice and pieces of cheese, if pieces of cheese could express emotions. Just look at this guy. We'd say Thomas looks like a castoff from "Cats," but we don't want to disparage such a fine feline musical. Though they're trying to make him appear fearsome, he looks more like the Cowardly Lion getting arrested for indecent exposure. Yes, we're featuring this card near the middle of a week full of boos. But before we get ahead of ourselves, we need to answer that important question: What kind of cat, exactly, is Thomas supposed to be? He's not a cougar. He's not a tiger. He's not a lion. Ah, we get it. He's a pussy.

Derrick Thomas, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 2)

Dan Saleaumua, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 7)

Name: Dan Saleaumua
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Defensive tackle, pro wrestler
Value of card: One muscle shirt, used
Key 1991 stat: 72,919 grunts
Opponents' scouting report on Kansas City Chiefs defensive tackle Dan Saleaumua: "He went to Arizona State, so if you're going to talk smack to him, you'll have to speak slowly. ... He'll wear as many pairs of short-shorts as it takes to get the job done. ... His intensity is off the charts. Either that, or he could use a laxative. ... Once power-lifted a donkey. ... Known to keep a pork sandwich in his armbands. ... Lack of bulge is disconcerting. ... We could almost take him seriously if it wasn't for that mustache. ... Even though his heritage is Samoan, he ignored all calls to do the Humpty Hump."

Dan Saleaumua, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 7)

Kevin Porter, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 6)

Name: Kevin Porter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Defensive back, offensive front
Value of card: 25 cents for vending machine plastic earring
Key 1990 stat: Zero sleeves worn, 11 straight months
Conversation between Porter and Pro Line photographer, Aug. 14, 1991:
Pro Line photographer: Hey, good to meet you, Kevin. We'll do this quick.
Kevin Porter: No, no. Take your time. I want to look as fly as possible.
PLP: Sounds good. Why don't you take off that sweatsuit and get into a jersey and football pants.
KP: I have a better idea. Boo-ya!
(Porter rips off first layer of clothing to expose full spandex outfit.
PLP: Ummmmm. I wasn't expecting that. OK, you want to take some action shots?
KP: I have a better idea.
(Porter sits down, spread-eagle, busting from his spandex.)
PLP: I don't think this will work. Kids are going to be looking at this card, man.
KP: So?
PLP: So, you're exposing your junk and your outfit is ridiculous.
KP: (through tears) You take that back.
PLP: OK, OK. Your outfit is radical, dude. But let's do something about the indecent exposure case you're working on.
KP: You want me to put my hands over it? (Points to crotch.)
PLP: No. Instead, let's just make it three balls.

Kevin Porter, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 6)

Nick Lowery, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 5)

Name: Nick Lowery
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Kicker, sock model
Value of card: Anything more than 2 cents would be a stretch
Key 1990 stat: 14 people blinded by pasty-white thighs
Transcript of Hanes tube socks commercial, circa 1990: "Hello, sports fans. Nick Lowery here, and I know you're going to get a kick out of Hanes' new tube socks. (Cut from stand-up shot of Lowery to him kicking a package of tube socks between uprights.) The good people at Hanes are experts when it comes to comforting your tootsies. Trust me. I depend on my feet for everything, from walking to the neighborhood leg shaver to creeping out my teammates with my stretches to putting the old pigskin between two phallic-looking pieces of steel. (Cut to shot of Lowery walking on the field in skin-tight short-shorts and knee-high socks.) I know what it takes to keep feet happy, and Hanes is certainly staying on its toes, so to speak, with its latest tube socks. Take it from me, a guy who has his kicks for a living: If you don't have Hanes tube socks on your feet, you've probably resorted to stuffing Hanes tube socks down your pants."

Nick Lowery, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 5)

Joe Montana, 1993 Topps (Football Friday No. 76)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs (remember that?)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A whole lot less than the NFL salary cap
Key 1993 stat: Still wore red
Wait a minute: Here we were, ready to do some lame jokes about superstars forgettably finishing their careers with some other team (we're looking at you Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice). Then we noticed the little guy in the shorts in the background. Whoa, dude, we know you're excited that Joe Montana's a Chief, but good lord! Don't you have a clipboard or something you can put over that thing?

Joe Montana, 1993 Topps (Football Friday No. 76)

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Names: Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebacker, defensive end, respectively
Value of card: One broken taillight
Key 1993 stat: About a million sacks, combined
It's a Matchup between two sackmasters:

Round 1: Standing in traffic (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Head roundness (Winner: Smith)
Round 3: Not getting in the way of genius "RUSH HOUR" lettering (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Pants hitched up to armpits (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Prominence of lace-up crotch (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Badassery (Winner: Thomas)
Round 7: Respect for that terrible Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan movie (Winner: Neither)
Round 8: Bulge (Winner: Thomas)
Round 9: Love of ketchup (Winner: Smith)

Final score: Smith 4, Thomas 3 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Derrick Thomas may have had the more memorable career, but it's Neil Smith who's the big Chief today. It's a good thing he had his crotch laced up so tightly. More importantly, "Rush Hour" sucked.

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Greg Hill, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 64)

Name: Greg Hill
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One sand flea
Key 1994 stat: Constantly picked on
Greg Hill's train of thought from 12:20 to 12:22 p.m., June 25, 1994: "Hey, where'd they go? My teammates were right here just a minute ago, but now they're gone! I hope they didn't drown! Dang it, I never should have run to the bathroom to reshave my chest. And legs. Now they're probably dead, all because I wasn't here to save them. I can't believe this! Coach Schottenheimer's gonna kill me. Hey, what's this note here in the sand? Maybe they've been kidnapped, and this is the ransom note! 'Dear Greg. Have fun walking back to Kansas City. Get bent. Sincerely, Steve Bono.' Oh no, not again!"

Greg Hill, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 64)

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebarcker, male model
Value of card: No shirt
Key 1990 stat: Sacked everything that moved
What Derrick Thomas stands for:

Disrobed for this photo shoot.
Even though no one asked him to.
Rushed the passer like the passer owed him money.
Rape stare leaves us feeling a little uneasy.
In spite of the photos on this card, he was not constantly hunched over.
Chiefs were actually good, once upon a time.
Knuckles look nice and shiny here.

Thin mustache was the least intimidating thing about him.
Hall of Fame induction came far too soon.
Offensive linemen couldn't stop him, but a snowstorm did.
Moral of his story: Wear your seatbelt and don't speed.
AFC's most feared defender was actually just misunderstood.
Shaved every 15 minutes — and not just his face.

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Kimble Anders, 1994 Upper Deck Electric (Football Friday No. 54)

Name: Kimble Anders

Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One power outage
Key 1993 stat: 62,701 bad clothing decisions
Ten things that would have been better for Kimble Anders to wear than a doo-rag with purple smiley faces on it:

10) A dress
9) Chain mail
8) A large elbow pad. Oh, wait.
7) SpongeBob boxers
6) That tie his mom wanted him to wear
5) A better stat line
4) His helmet. Duh.
3) A T-shirt reading "Holy crap, Joe Montana is my quarterback!"
2) Bling
1) A doo-rag with any other color of smiley faces on it

Kimble Anders, 1994 Upper Deck Electric (Football Friday No. 54)

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 40)

Name: Derrick Thomas

Team: Kansas City Chiefs

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: One shirt off his back

Key 1990 stat: Three pairs of shorts worn at all times

Clearing up some rumors about Derrick Thomas:

• Derrick Thomas isn't staring at you twice. Those are nipples.
• Derrick Thomas isn't wearing shorts. His thigh muscles exploded his pants.
• Derrick Thomas doesn't always go shirtless. Sometimes he wears American Indian garb.
• Derrick Thomas isn't wearing gloves. Those are veinmakers.
• Derrick Thomas isn't showcasing his bulge. It's showcasing him.

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 40)

Christian Okoye, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 37)

Name: Christian Okoye

Team: Kansas City Chiefs

Position: Running back

Value of card: Whatever Mr. Okoye says

Key 1990 stat: 612 Zubaz stripes

Clearing up some rumors about Christian Okoye:

• Okoye was not going bald. His hair had retreated in fright from his piercing stare.
• Okoye did not roll up his sleeves. His muscles did it for him.
• Okoye did not dress like a horror film character and have his way with opposing teams' players. At least not when he was sober.
• Okoye did not wear Zubaz pants. He captured and skinned a red, white and yellow zebra.
• Okoye did not endorse this card or this blog post. He dares you to laugh.

Christian Okoye, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 37)

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sensitivity class
Key 1992 stat: One gigantic fire stood in front of
Great moments in awkwardness: Skybox opted to take a risk in its 1992 set, selecting a number of players to debut its "Tackling Racial Stereotypes" subset. Things quickly got out of hand. If you think this card is offensive, you should see Atlanta Falcons coach Jerry Glanville's Ku Klux Klan card, Flipper Anderson and Marcus Allen's "Crips vs. Bloods: Battle of L.A." card, or Luis Zendejas wading across the Rio Grande on his card. They even got Steve Young to dress up like a geisha girl, which was just weird.

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)

Christian Okoye, 1992 Skybox (Halloween Week No. 3)

Name: Christian Okoye, aka The Nigerian Nightmare

Team: Kansas Scary Chiefs

Position: Running back

Fright value of card: More than 3 cents? In your dreams

Key 1991 splat: One foursome

We have a lot to cover before Halloween: So much is going on in this card it's liable to make someone's head spin like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist." First, let's address the blatant homoeroticism. It would seem Christian Okoye not only sleeps with men three at a time, but prefers his boy toys to dress as opposing teams' players. That's fine. To each their own. But why is the Chargers player praying for Okoye to return to bed? And why is the Broncos player under the covers, facing the wrong way and ogling the Nigerian Nightmare's rear end? And what about the Seahawks player sizing up that backside, framing it in his line of vision, as if he's about to grab it. But let's put the homoeroticism aside. Why are four pairs of cleats sitting at the bedside? Is there a Raiders player stuffed in the love nest? Let's not forget the biker shorts. Okoye's pelvic region looks like an angry raccoon stuck between two giant Cliffords. Gross. Then there's the hat. It's about four sizes too small and the exact color as his face. Two more quick questions: Why is the comforter being pierced by the bedpost? and Why is Okoye growling? Forget the questions, the glove has to be mentioned. We here at the Bust appreciate when a clever idea is beat into the ground; in this case, Skybox must be applauded for tying Okoye's nickname to a popular horror movie franchise. That's frighteningly smart thinking, outside the Skybox.

Christian Okoye, 1992 Skybox (Halloween Week No. 3)