Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Name: Cal McLish
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's hard to see any value here
Key 1960 stat: 519 times walking into a wall
Wait a minute: One of two things is going on here. Either the genius Topps photo editor chose the worst possible photo of Cal McLish for the 1961 set or Cal McLish's eyelids were constantly dragged downward by the gravitational field caused by his massive chin. Hmm, considering Topps' sterling reputation for quality, it's gotta be the chin, right?

Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Name: Myron Pottios
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: M_ddle linebacker
Value of card: 3 ounces of backwashed squeeze bottle water
Key 1972 stat: Zero minutes of playing time
Top 10 reasons Myron Pottios got benched:
10) Too many toilet humor insults were hurled at him because of his last name.
9) He didn't want to make other players jealous of his hairdo.
8) He was so sad he couldn't peel himself off the bench.
7) Too many pads.
6) He had to take a shot of vodka out of a striped paper cup.
5) He was busy starring as Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House."
4) Chin was too deadly a weapon for a football field.
3) Couldn't fit his helmet over his sideburns.
2) He didn't believe in playing for a team whose name was considered a racist slur by the people it was meant to represent.
1) The team didn't have a position for a m_ddle linebacker.

Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Name: Don Buchheister
Team: Cedar Rapids Giants
Position: General manager
Value of card: He'll trade ya for it
Key 1978 stat: 17 trades made (for worthless baseball cards)
Here are some of the moves made by Cedar Rapids Giants executive Don Buchheister:

• Traded a third baseman and a right-handed middle reliever for a pastrami on rye.
• Offered a lucrative free agent contract to Sid Limpis of Sid's Stupendous Straw Hats on West 65th Street.
• Scouted Single A and promoted a pitching machine.
• Tried to fire a manager — from the local Long John Silver's

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Chuck Mount
Team: Iowa Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mount it on the wall, still worthless
Key 1990 stat: 11 mountains summited
Cubs' scouting report on minor league prospect Chuck Mount: "Forget his pitching; I just want to hang out with this guy. ... What are the chances he uses his name as part of a pickup line with the ladies? ... Big-league butt chin. Definitely. ... Iowa Cubs. Chicago Cubs. What's the difference? Just bring him up. ... Just to ensure it's clear why we like him: His first name is a synonym for hamburger and his last name is something I try to do to my wife three times a year."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Name: Craig Smajstrla
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 ounces of pigeon poop
Key 1989 stat: 11 bunt attempts missed
Houston Astros' scouting report on minor-leaguer Craig Smajstrla: "Some of our players need a math tutor, so this kid might work out. ... This guy's a clutch hitter for the Toros? That's a bunch of bull. ... Four-tool player: calculator, protractor, compass and pocket protector. ... Forget this guy, let's call up that batting helmet. ... Chin is big league, but we'll need to work on the rest of that face. ... Smaj, Smajst, Smajstr — hell, we don't need a player whose name sounds like toothpaste being sucked through a vacuum cleaner."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Name: Sparky Lyle
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1983 - 1967 = 16 cents
Key 1982 stat: 17 times he took an O-Pee-Chee in the dugout corner
It's time for a Super Veteran version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hideous, pseudo-space-age uniform (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 2: 3-inch-deep butt chin (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 3: Honorable mention, Name Hall of Fame (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sideburns Dylan McKay would covet (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Thickness around the midsection (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 6: Fathered 1983 Sparky (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 7: Mustache that just won't stop, just won't quit (Winner: 1983 Sparky)

Score: 1983 Sparky 3, 1967 Sparky 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In the battle of Sparky vs. Sparky, the older, hairier version grabs the victory with a mustache for the ages.

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: New York Yankees Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Third base, free agent
Value of card: 50 cents off whatever that crap is that he's putting on his chin
Key 1997 stat: Put a bunch of that crap on his chin
Wait a minute: What is that crap Wade Boggs is putting on his chin?

A) Deodorant for that huge chin-pit of his
B) Edible sunscreen
C) The world's largest tube of ChapStick, misapplied
D) Ointment for butt-chin rash
E) None of the above

Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Name: Bruce Kimm
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1980 stat: 46 times mistaken for a member of the Bob's Muffler Service softball team while wearing that uniform
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Chicago Tribune in 1981: "Bruce Kimm, center, sulks near the batting cage after losing a bet and being forced to wear a uniform that was so ridiculous it in no way could have been worn by a professional baseball team — not even the Chicago White Sox, whose hideous uniform choices are well-documented — and, in fact, looked more like a uniform worn by rollerskating waitresses at Chicagoland carhop restaurant Shakes & Skates, Tuesday in Detroit."

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: St. Louis Lovely Ladies Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1986 stat: One butt chin
A colorful rant: Folks, please put your hands together for the Topps photography and design departments. What we have here is another iconic example of the pre-Photoshop era, when men were men and jerseys were pink — or some such thing. Mike Laga, whose chiseled good looks and million-dollar butt chin make him ideal for the "mugshot" treatment, was traded from the Tigers to the Cardinals in 1986. Apparently, the photo above was either (A) taken during his Tigers days or (B) he was sporting his favorite Morey Boogie hat while striding around spring training shirtless and Topps figured they needed to make Laga appear more ballplayer than surfer dude. We'll take option A, and we'll note that the Topps designers did a pretty impressive job pasting on that red hat. But we have to ask: What in the name of Bob Gibson's gonads is going on with that pink jersey? Well, maybe the designers were infatuated with a certain team in a certain 8-bit Nintendo game called "Baseball Stars."

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Name: Wilbur Wood
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three rotten logs
Key 1976 stat: Got two rave reviews from his dentist
Differences between us and Wilbur Wood:

• We wouldn't sign our first name so huge that we then had to cram our last name in at the end. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't eat that piece of cheesecake that's been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stand idly by while Topps airbrushed what appears to be a graduation gown on us. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stare up at the Bust Cup and wonder if it was filled with delicious raspberry syrup. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't let a photographer make our second and third chins the focus of a photo. But Wilbur Wood.

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Chuck Hartenstein, 1977 Topps

Name: Chuck Hartenstein
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One rancid mutton chop
Key 1977 stat: More chins than wins
Career choices: Chuck Hartenstein didn't play in a major league game from 1971 to 1976. Here are some of the jobs he held during that hiatus:

• Long-haul truck driver
• Sunglass tinter
• Ambassador to turkey (not the country, his neighbor's actual pet turkey)
• Hairstyle adviser
• CB radio repairman
• Unofficial baseball scorer
• Sideburn farmer
• Country-and-Western singer
• Gigolo

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Chuck Hartenstein, 1977 Topps

Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)

Name: Steve McMichael
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Three shovelfuls of bear crap
Key 1990 stat: 2-inch indention in butt chin
It's time for a "Mongo" pop quiz:

Just why does Steve "Mongo" McMichael appear so confident?

(A) He knows he has the most wind-friendly mullet in the Windy City.
(B) Chicks dig Zubaz.
(C) He's not confident; he's concentrating on keeping his 47-pound head upright.
(D) He "Mongo." Mongo smash!
(E) All of the above.

Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)

John Hadl, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 177)

Name: John Hadl's dad
Team: Dressed as a member of the Green Bay Packers
Position: Fake quarterback
Value of card: Getting your dad his own football card? Priceless
Key 1975 stat: One dream lived vicariously through his son
What a gift: John Hadl was a good son. He cared about his family and was always looking to repay his parents for all they did for him growing up. For holidays and birthdays, he always gave them the best gifts. But he outdid himself in 1976. You see, that's not John Hadl in the photo above. That's Mr. Hadl, John Hadl's dad. John, then the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, gave his dad the gift of a lifetime: a day acting like he was the quarterback for his favorite team, his son's Packers. Mr. Hadl got to dress in the green-and-yellow, throw passes to real (much younger) players, and even participate in a football card photo shoot. For one day, he could leave the cheesehead at home and rock the bald head at practice.

John Hadl, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 177)

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Name: Dan Coombs
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 yards of the material lining the outside of this card
Key 1967 stat: 14 "coombs" to run through your hair
Here's what Dan Coombs stood for:

Doorknob-thick glasses allowed him to peer into batters' minds
Acid, man — acid
Never let anyone besides himself cut his hair

Chin made of solid granite
Obscure 1960s pitcher with Hollywood glamour
Object of affection for female shop teachers everywhere
Machine-gun collection forcing us to rethink the direction of this blog post
Bit through tuna cans on teammates' dares
Squinted so hard he pushed his eyes into his sinuses

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's worth its equivalent in off-center 1989 Topps cards
Key 1988 stat: 264 women with a case of "Fernandomania"
10 symptoms of "Fernandomania," as diagnosed by Bust doctors:
10) Inability to grow legitimate mustache
9) Tiny pink circles on forearm sleeves that are not — to repeat, not — the result of the lowest possible production standards
8) Arms bent at unimaginable angles
7) Mullet growth at 10 times the normal rate
6) Eyebrows that attach to each other and the hairline
5) Distorted perception of reality, like thinking the Dodgers had a shot to win the N.L. West in 1989
4) Restless chin syndrome
3) Sweating, a whole lot of sweating
2) Elephantitis of the bulge
1) Who cares? Pinata party!

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rotting apple cores
Key 1990 stat: 10 fruits thrown during games
10 instances of Frank Viola throwing fruit, and the outcome of each:
10) He threw a grapefruit, and the players at spring training in Florida thought it was appropriate.
9) He threw a banana, and the phallic jokes ensued.
8) He threw a blueberry, and it was his only strikeout of the day.
7) He threw a nectarine, and then pointed to his turtleneck.
6) He threw a kumquat, and everyone started giggling.
5) He threw a lemon, and Chet Lemon charged the mound.
4) He threw a tomato, and then realized Mets fans were also throwing tomatoes, at him.
3) He threw a tangerine with that hairdo, and someone yelled, "Hey, fruit!"
2) He threw a watermelon, and some slugger named Gallagher hit a home run with a sledgehammer.
1) He threw a big apple, and 42,712 New Yorkers booed the obvious pun.

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Dave Schmidt, 1985 Topps

Name: Dave "Screech" Schmidt
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two plastic sheriff's badges
Key 1984 stat: 22,876 hours of "Walker, Texas Ranger" watched
Meet the Bayside Rangers starting pitcher: When Dave "Screech" Schmidt wakes up in the morning and the clock gives out a warning, he never thinks he's going to make it to the field on time. By the time he grabs his bats and he gives himself a look, he's at the corner just in time to see the team bus fly by. If the manager pops a test, Schmidt knows he's in a mess, and the dog ate all his chewing tobacco last night. Right alone in his chair, the manager won't know that Schmidt's there, if he can have a decent outing tomorrow he'll be all right. It's all right 'cause he's saved by the bell. It's all right ... it's all right ... it's all right, 'cause he's saved by the bell.

Dave Schmidt, 1985 Topps

Mike Armstrong, 1983 Topps

Name: Mike Armstrong
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: For Armstrong? A broken LiveStrong bracelet
Key 1982 stat: One — count 'em, one — photo session all year
Meet the Mike Armstrongs:

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Has windshield glasses
Circle Mike Armstrong: Has windshield glasses

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Wears his hat like a 2000s frat boy
Circle Mike Armstrong: Wears his hat like a 2000s frat boy

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Sports a perfect butt chin, a la Kirk Douglas
Circle Mike Armstrong: Sports a perfect butt chin, a la Kirk Douglas

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Only poses in front of stripped airline hangars
Circle Mike Armstrong: Only poses in front of stripped airline hangars

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Mixes mustache hair with nose hair for a refined look
Circle Mike Armstrong: Mixes mustache hair with nose hair for a refined look

Rectangle Mike Armstrong: Looks a bit perturbed about getting his photo taken
Circle Mike Armstrong: Is growing increasingly more angry and IS NOW FURIOUS ABOUT YOUR STUPID CAMERA YOU FRIGGIN' PUNK!

Mike Armstrong, 1983 Topps

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps

Name: Jeff Jones
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of fake cheese from mousetraps with dead mice in them
Key 1984 stat: 26 pounds of yellow jerseys in wardrobe
Jeff Jones was a great student; here are some of the things he got A's in:

• Sleeping upright 101
• Pitching without a ball (lab)
• Beginner's cloud floating
• Fashion merchandising
• Cannabis sativa studies
• Mustaches for the modern caveman: An in-depth look
• Butt chin theory
• Upper-division unkempt hair
• Duhhhh photography II
• Advanced unibrow

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps