Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Four used diapers
Key 1994 stat: 41 infants frightened
It's a man-child Matchup:

Round 1: Smells like they could use a change (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 2: Suffers from diaper rash (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 3: Fussy when tired (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 4: Prefers to sleep in a onesie (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 5: Sometimes vomits after eating (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 6: Often wants the bottle (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 7: Cries in the middle of the night (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 8: Chubby little arms and legs (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 9: Mustache (Winner: Beck)

Final score: Beck 1, baby 0 (Ties: 8)

Synopsis: As usual, Rod Beck took it right down to the wire before shutting down the opposition. Both participants celebrated by tucking something into their lips      a binky for the tot; a chew for the closer.

Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Closer
Value of card: A fifth of Winner's Cup Vodka
Key 1988 stat: 387 evil stares
It's time for a hateful pop quiz:

What has made Jeff Montgomery so angry?

(A) He's enraged about being named after the capital of Alabama.
(B) He's furious about having a unibrow when he scrunches his face in fury.
(C) He's outraged about being associated in any way with Donruss.
(D) He's irate about being pictured with a scowl on his face even though he's a happy-go-lucky chum.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Bruce Sutter, 1983 Topps

Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Closer
Value of card: 36 saves (after coupons cut for his local Kroger's)
Key 1982 stat: 1,981,427 hairs on face and head
Top 10 nicknames for Bruce Sutter's beard:
10) Fuzz Monster
9) Chin Blanket
8) Cardinals' Nest
7) Wolfenstein
6) Rutherford B. Hayes
5) Face 'Fro
4) The Barber-arian
3) Grizzlier Adams
2) The Lumberjack's Lumberjack
1) It

Bruce Sutter, 1983 Topps

Bruce Sutter, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three dirty cardinal feathers
Key 1983 stat: Face was never cold
A pop quiz of the artist as a young man: What gave Dick Perez the most trouble while creating this Diamond King?

A) Procuring enough brown paint to do Bruce Sutter's beard justice
B) Getting the homeless man painted in this picture to stand still
C) Tilting the "SL" logo on the hat at just the wrong angle
D) Learning how to draw a person's butt, apparently
E) All of the above

Bruce Sutter, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 11 goose feathers
Key 1985 stat: 28 men beaten up with just a stare
Here's why you shouldn't mess with the Goose:

• His mustache won't even ask Goose before strangling you.
• He wears dope shades so his stare alone doesn't force you into the fetal position with tears streaming down your cheeks.
• He might be the only man alive who could make that nickname sound manly.
• He's Rich, beeyatch.

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: One submarine sandwich
Key 1985 stat: 10, maybe 12 die-hard fans
Let's meet Kent Tekulve's biggest fans:

• That guy sitting way up there in Section 323 in center field, who loves Tekulve's Aviator sunglasses.
• That woman sitting way up there in Section 346 in right field, who raises sidewinder snakes and has fantasies about Tekulve's sidewinder delivery.
• That kid sitting up there in Section 242 in left-center field, who will forever consider Tekulve the standard against which all other tall, gangly athletes will be measured.
• That bullpen catcher sitting down there in center field, who Tekulve once saved in a knife fight in the back of a shady Chinese restaurant after a life-or-death game of backgammon.
• That Topps photographer standing in front of Tekulve, who considers the closer one of the greatest 1980s baseball card subjects of all-time. Of all-time.

Kent Tekulve, 1986 Topps

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Donruss

Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closer
Value of card: Two free plane tickets to Milwaukee (still unclaimed)
Key 1981 stat: 22 straight victories in "best name" contests
Script from Fingers-brand Mustache Wax® television commercial, circa 1982: "Howdy, sports fans, I'm Rollie Fingers, and I know how to close. And if you want to close in on a bold new style, you need to pick up a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel like you look like every other guy in the boardroom or at the baseball game? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever want to look like you're a 19th-century boxer or carriage driver from the Prohibition era? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel the need to hang Christmas tree ornaments from your facial hair? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Because with Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®, your 'stache will no longer be a secret."

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Donruss

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Name: Brian Wilson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Price of a piece of taffy in 1962 (1 cent)
Key 2010 stat: 15 minutes of fame
Introducing ... the Backward Beard®: Many trademarked hairstyles have debuted on The Bust, but this is the first from the 2000s. In the esteemed tradition of The Hill of Hair®, The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, Brian Wilson, always looking for a place in the spotlight, debuts his 'do. His inspiration? The beard he would later grow that would catapult him to fame from San Francisco to Hollywood and onto the national stage. Wilson managed to grow a beard not on his face, but atop his head, cascading upward instead of falling downward, and looking every bit the tangled mess of the beard that Wilson would later unleash on the world. Now that's how you 'do it.

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Name: Mitch Williams
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: All the holes in that mesh jersey, combined
Key 1991 stat: Needed to work on his forkball grip
Mitch Williams' train of thought from 12:11 to 12:13 p.m., March 2, 1992: "God, how long is this photo shoot going to take? I've been staring at this baseball for, like, 20 minutes. At this point, I'm more intimate with it than I was with the last girl who got this grip. ... Ugh, why did I go with my tightest headband? The top of my head is numb, and I think the my upper ears are starting to chafe. ... Ah well, at least my hair looks good. No, wait. At least my hair looks great! It's pitched forward farther than I was the last time Kruk and I split a case of Schlitz. ... Thank Christ, he finally got the shot. Ah crap, I can't move my fingers!"

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, handyman
Value of card: A scratch from a rusty nail
Key 1992 stat: One bearded sidekick
Tool time: In the fall of 1991, Roger McDowell fell in love. But his love was not for a woman; it was for new ABC sitcom "Home Improvement." McDowell was so enamored with the antics of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, as played by actor and ex-convict Tim Allen, that the next spring, he came out of the dugout carrying sandpaper, wearing a tool belt and communicating with those around him solely through a series of grunts. Teammates and umpires thought it was strange (the tools, not the grunting      that was nothing new), but since it was an exhibition, McDowell was allowed to keep the belt on. Things got ugly in the sixth when McDowell refused to let reliever Steve Wilson take over for him on the mound unless Wilson covered the lower half of his face with his glove. Wilson, who hadn't seen the sitcom, responded by trying to strangle McDowell with his own tape measure. When McDowell tried to explain that he was The Tool Man, Wilson told him, "Yeah, you're a tool, all right."

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Name: Troy Percival
Team: California Angels
Position: Closer
Value of card: 16 blades of grass (dead and dried)
Key 1991 stat: One pair of jeans owned
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial, circa 1992: "Howdy, sports fans. I'm Troy Percival of the California Angels, and I wear Black Jeans. Why Black Jeans? Because nothing makes you look hotter and keeps your goods sweatier than Black Jeans. You can wear Black Jeans with just about anything, even an atrocious blue T-shirt with buttons. Boom. Black Jeans. Say you're at the mall and some other guy is wearing bluejeans. Guess what? He's a sucker. You're wearing Black Jeans and all the girls want you. Boom. Like to wear your mom's watch? Boom. You look more like a man if you wear your mom's watch while you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Have a crazy-dope flat top? It's crazier and doper when you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Remember: The whitest dudes on the block wear Black Jeans. Boom."

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Mariano Rivera, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Mariano Rivera
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 17 peanut shells, stepped on
Key 1991 stat: Lived in a stadium
Today's fashion model: Here we see 14-year-old Mariano Rivera modeling the latest trends for junior boys. His cuffed and collared polo shirt featuring the logo of every NFL team can be found at finer Sears outlets near you, and it comes with a matching pajama set. His white Dockers are grass-stain resistant, making them fun and fashionable for him and easy to clean for his mom. Another point in these pants' favor: extra room in the crotch to help avoid any schooltime embarrassment      hold that Trapper Keeper up high, Mariano, no one's going to be able to tell what you've been thinking about!

Mariano Rivera, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Todd Jones
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One of those hairstyle books you see at Supercuts, circa 1992
Key 1991 stat: Mustache thicker than eyebrows
Today's Fashion Model: Let's take a look at fierce young fireballer Todd Jones. Yes, ladies, that is a JCPenney store brand woman's blouse Mr. Jones is daring to don in this photo. But with the help of an immaculate white undershirt and two different styles of almost-gold chains, Todd pulls it off with masculine flair. What was once a flowery top has transformed into a jungle scene befitting this future Tiger. Todd keeps the fashion flowing above the neckline, as well, sporting a month-old flat top and a pseudo-handlebar mustache with a 2-inch gap in the middle of it, both of which form a lovely color scheme with his vivacious V-neck. Todd's not afraid to push the envelope with his style sense, and we give this look our stamp of approval.

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closer
Value of card: Curve your fingers, touch your thumb and make a circle — that much
Key 1981 stat: 10 fingers on two hands (we think)
Wow! What an action-packed shot; here are some others from Topps' 1982 In Action subset:

• George Brett sitting on the bench, just sitting there
• Mike Schmidt standing near third base, kind of near the base
• Fernando Valenzuela tying his shoe, with the shoe out of the photo's frame
• Andre Dawson asleep in a dark room, so dark you can't see anything
• Kirk Gibson chewing sunflower seeds, though you can't really tell he's chewing them
• Nolan Ryan just standing there, out of focus and butt to the camera, in a shot that looked a lot like the one above

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps In Action

Goose Gossage, 1986 Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 6 ounces of goose poop
Key 1985 stat: 67,832 mustache hairs grown
Fun (horrendous) facts about Goose Gossage and geese:

• Geese are waterfowl. Goose is just foul.
• Geese can fly. Goose's handlebar mustache is fly.
• Geese have feathers. Goose's mullet is feathered.
• Geese are monogamous, living in permanent pairs throughout the year. Goose is promiscuous, but he lives as a pair with a tiny version of himself.
• Geese are known for their honking. Goose has a honkin' bulge.
• Geese are majestic creatures whose effortless ascents into flight inspire onlookers to believe in the beauty of the natural world. Goose's name is slang for sticking your finger in someone's rump.

Goose Gossage, 1986 Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

John Rocker, 2001 Topps

Name: John Rocker
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Closer
Value of card: 3 ounces of Rocker's spit wiped off Mets fans' faces
Key 2000 stat:  4,911 inappropriate remarks
The quotable closer: John Rocker was considered a racist, homophobe, sexist and all-around scumbag, but few knew the real John Rocker. A few little-known quotes from the closer, circa 2001:

• "Do I hate Mets fans? Quite the contrary, sir. I see a parallel between their admiration for their team and my admiration for an impassioned fan base."
• "Homosexuals are human beings just like the rest of us. In fact, I don't think what people do in the bedroom is anyone else's business."
• "Some of my best friends are Jewish."
• "No, no, no. Let me clear the air here. I love Randall Simon. He's a superb human being and I'd consider making him the godfather for my children. When I called him a 'fat monkey,' I meant 'phat,' with a PH, and who doesn't love monkeys? I know I do."
• "I say open the borders. We're talking about people here. Real people, not aliens."
• "Bud Selig is like the father I never had."
• "'We all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman. I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women. Do we hate our women?' Of course, I must credit the ultra-talented Tupac Shakur for those words. He was quite talented, wasn't he?" 
• "I wholeheartedly believe we should rename our team the Atlanta Native Americans. Now that would be brave."
• "I've been thinking about wearing a turban for religious reasons."

John Rocker, 2001 Topps

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Bruce Sutter, Rollie Fingers
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closers
Value of card: To barbers, priceless
Key 1981 stat: 22,142,861 hairs
It's time for the hairiest edition of The Matchup of all time:

Round 1: Beard (Winner: Sutter)
Round 2: Mustache (Winner: Fingers)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Chest hair (Winner: Sutter)
Round 5: Eyebrows (Winner: Fingers)
Round 6: Bangs (Winner: Sutter)
Round 7: Um, hair down there (Winner: No one)

Score: Sutter 3, Fingers 2, Ties 1, Puke 1

Synopsis: A couple of Hair Hall of Famers squared off in The Matchup, and they didn't disappoint, with both proving they're a cut above but Sutter squeaking out a razor-thin victory.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bruce Sutter and Rollie Fingers, 1982 Topps Team Leaders

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Name: Don Aase
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Closer
Value of card: 27 butt jokes
Key 1985 stat: Often made batters guess which finger was sticking out of his glove
Grow up, already: Look, if you're hoping for jokes about Don Aase's name, you've come to the wrong place. You're looking for this, or maybe this. Today, we're interested in something much more dignified and mature: Don Aase's mustache. It's obviously something the unfortunately named pitcher is proud of      he's pointing right to it. According to Baseball Reference, that amazing lip-warmer recorded 12 saves and 20 strikeouts all on its own. But more impressively, during the off-season, Aase's mustache volunteered in a soup kitchen over the holidays, making sure Baltimore's needy were fed and warmed. We're with the guy in the ad on the wall in the background: Hats off to you, Don Aase's mustache!

Don Aase, 1986 Topps

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Gregg Olson
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three G's
Key 1990 stat: Not an alcoholic (yet)
One dreadful mischaracterization: It's pretty clear Mr. Perez didn't care too much for young Orioles closer Gregg Olson. First, he covers up the "Diamond Kings" label with a ball cap the size of Olson's head in this portrait. Second, he suggests that Olson is giving us the finger with his glove hand. But worst of all, he's painted Olson's nose and cheeks rosier than Santa's, hinting that when the pitcher's not pouring in heat, he's pouring glass after glass of straight Jameson. Olson appears to have more burst facial blood vessels than a 55-year-old Irish cop who just got punched in the nose. Honestly, we're surprised Perez didn't just change this guy's name to Gregg Molson. For shame, sir.

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bobby Thigpen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Closer
Value of card: In cents, one-tenth of the number on his pant leg
Key 1990 stat: Autosaves every five minutes
League of extraordinary gentlemen: With 57 saves in 1990, White Sox closer Bobby Thigpen's secret identity, the SaveMaster, was revealed. Here are a few of his superpowers:

• Could swoop in late, bring down foes that rest of superheroes had already weakened
• Could extend or shorten sleeves at the drop of a hat
• Even if mortally wounded, could go back five minutes in time and start again
• Could afford to retire early, thanks to smart money management
• Could break stuff. You know, like records.

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck