Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:

Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)

Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2

Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Name: Harold Baines
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: #1 (cent)
Key 1977 stat: 12 designated hits (whatever that means)
Chicago White Sox scouting report on 1977 No. 1 draft pick Harold Baines: "Led his league in pop-outs — collar pop-outs. ... Sideburns have potential to hit .280. ... It's like his hair was made to have a baseball cap over it. ... Might look more like a big-leaguer if we get him out of the milkmaid outfit and into a uniform. ... No. 1 pick in the hair draft, so his future is bright. ... Has shown a lot of guts, if only for sporting that jewelry. ... We like nicknames, and 'Hair-old' is a built-in winner."

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Name: Bruce Kimm
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1980 stat: 46 times mistaken for a member of the Bob's Muffler Service softball team while wearing that uniform
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Chicago Tribune in 1981: "Bruce Kimm, center, sulks near the batting cage after losing a bet and being forced to wear a uniform that was so ridiculous it in no way could have been worn by a professional baseball team — not even the Chicago White Sox, whose hideous uniform choices are well-documented — and, in fact, looked more like a uniform worn by rollerskating waitresses at Chicagoland carhop restaurant Shakes & Skates, Tuesday in Detroit."

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Half off tuition at Lasorda University (Actual value: $0)
Key 1995 stat: One grading scandal
Pencils out, it's time for an educational pop quiz: What collegiate class did Tony Gwynn teach?

A) Religion and Art 212
B) Sewing Cargo Pockets onto Jeans 302 (Lab)
C) Chili Dog Consumption 440 (Colloquium)
D) Collar Popping in Modern America 110
E) None of the above, though he did school a few pitchers in his day

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One bootleg copy of "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
Key 1992 stat: 42 times using an airplane bathroom
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet:

• The F-14 for many years was the U.S. Navy's preferred fighter jet, capable of air superiority. Bernie Kosar for a few years was Cleveland's preferred quarterback, capable of air competency.
• When not in action, the F-14 spends much of its time resting on the deck of an aircraft carrier. When not in action, Bernie Kosar spent much of his time resting his head on a bar, passed out.
• The F-14 was capable of carrying up to six missiles to hit targets. Bernie Kosar usually needed more chances to hit a target.
• The F-14 was the featured aircraft in the 1986 blockbuster "Top Gun," a movie that raked in millions. Bernie Kosar was featured in the 2012 sports documentary "Broke," about athletes who have spent or lost all their millions.
• F-14 pilots wear flight suits that are designed to provide warmth, be fire-retardant and have lots of pockets. Bernie Kosar is wearing a prison jumpsuit with lots of patches glued to it and the collar popped.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

Name: Jim Kelly
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of tobacco spit (from 1985)
Key 1985 stat: 3 ounces of tobacco spit put in a bottle and forgotten until 2013
10 bigger douches than Jim Kelly in 1985:
10) Can't think of one.
9) No human equivalent comes to mind.
8) Actually, it's impossible.
7) No chance.
6) Can't happen in this universe.
5) Nonsensical question.
4) C'mon, look at the guy.
3) Nope, not even the esteemed Mr. Douchy von Doucherson.
2) OK, OK, we got one: An actual jumbo size Summer's Eve Douche Fresh Scent box
1) And, yes: The reflection in the mirror when Kelly looks at it.

Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 11 VHS copies of "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
Key 1991 stat: Four Isotoner gloves worn (two on right hand, one on left hand and one on, ahem)
Here's what Dan Marino stands for:

Dolphin lover — not in that way, sicko
Aqua Velva saturated and proud of it
Never won a title, except for "World's Sexiest Quarterback"

Miami man with one vice: looking good
Armed with a football, ravishing looks and an 18-pound jacket
Roles in films such as "Ace Ventura," "Holy Man" and "Little Nicky" are, um, legendary
Inside a stone oval, he invites your soft caress
Never met a collar he wouldn't pop
Orange skin a shade lighter than pigskin

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Names: Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston
Team: Birmingham Barons
Positions: Assorted coaches, pre-rookies (wait, what?)
Value of card: How can they be pre-rookies if they're coaches?
Key 1990 stat: That doesn't even make any sense!
This card is stupid: We give up. Let's just do a Matchup already.

Round 1: Concave chest (Winner: Tie between Peterson and Roessler)
Round 2: Convex belly (Winner: Hairston)
Round 3: Doesn't know what to do with hands (Winner: Hairston)
Round 4: Bulge (Winner: Roessler)
Round 5: Unnecessary collared shirt under jersey (Winner: Peterson)
Round 6: Glasses thick enough to stop a foul ball (Winner: Hairston)
Round 7: Pre-rookie (yes, we're still angry) (Winner: None)

Final score: Hairston 3, Peterson 1, Roessler 1 (Ties: 1; nonsense categories: 1)

Synopsis: All three of these guys are far past their pre-rookie days, but Hairston's overall awkwardness scares off the competition to earn him a win in this minor-league Matchup.

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Dave Stewart, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 58)

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Ace
Value of card: A trip to the free clinic
Key 1990 stat: Collar perfectly popped
Top 10 things seduced by Dave Stewart's voluminous collar and bedroom eyes:
10) A lot of girls with perms
9) Matt Williams' bat, leading to his .125 average in the '89 Series
8) Half of the women in Oakland
7) Half of the men in Oakland
6) Tony LaRussa
5) The San Diego Chicken. Wait, that was Cecil Fielder.
4) His own glove
3) The lady Frank Thomas had his eyes on
2) Stomper
1) You. Come on, admit it.

Dave Stewart, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 58)

Eric King, 1990 Bowman

Name: Eric King
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's not worth a crap
Key 1989 stat: One disgusting pregame ritual
Eric King's train of thought from 1:03 to 1:05 p.m. June 14, 1989: "Oh, man. Oh man oh man oh man. I need to go. I need to go so bad. I can't believe Coach made me come out of the clubhouse before I finished my pregame ritual. I had to pinch it off. This isn't healthy. Why didn't I read the sign behind me? 'Take a dump before game.' Well, no turning back now. My teammates are batting. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Maybe if I reposition myself on this bench and clutch this lineup card. Ugh. No, this isn't working. Oh, man. It's happening. It's all bad. It's terrible. Oh no, it won't stop. White Sox? Sure. But definitely not white undies. Three outs? Oh, no."

Eric King, 1990 Bowman

Brian Meyer, 1990 Donruss

Name: Brian Meyer

Team: Houston Astros

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 8 yards of collar

Key 1989 stat: An unknown number of trends set

Slave to fashion: Who can forget the summer of 1989, when little-used Astros reliever Brian Meyer set the world on fire with his fashion sense? Meyer played in only 12 games that season, giving him plenty of time with his sketchpad, designing the latest in men's sportswear and facial hair. Here we see his trademark oversize, three-stripe collar that was so large it could only be partially popped. The collar was eventually found to be a safety hazard because it reduced peripheral vision by 23 percent. Meyer is also rocking his handlebar mustache-side goatee combo, which, it was later learned, only came about because Meyer fell asleep while shaving.

Brian Meyer, 1990 Donruss

Rod Nichols, 1989 Topps

Name: Rod Nichols

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Tax receipt from pair of oversize glasses donated to Goodwill

Key 1988 stat: 4-inch-by-5-inch glass lenses

Time for another pop quiz:

What did Rod Nichols do in the offseason?

(A) Collect nickels

(B) Sit in a white panel van outside preschool playgrounds

(C) Influence hip-hop with his "pop-yo'-collar" look

(D) Teach chemistry

(E) All of the above

Rod Nichols, 1989 Topps