Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Name: Don Beebe
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Prospecting for gold (up your nose)
Key 1989 stat: Didn't fall on head (yet)
It's a Football Friday rant: Oh, bravo, Pro Set. It was so important to get young Don Beebe in your 1989 edition that you had to reach out for a third-party photo, was it? Only, rather than track down a quality picture of the young receiver, you acquired what appears to be a lost image from the Zapruder tape and slapped it on this piece of cardboard. Thankfully, you credited it as a "scouting photo," lest we be concerned that your oh-so-rigorous standards were slipping. Congratulations, gentlemen, your focus on quality is as sharp as ever.

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox Flagship Series (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 71 seaman jokes
Key 1992-93 stat: Zero restful sleep
It's time for a military-style Caption, that likely didn't run in the Stars and Stripes circa 1992: "David Robinson sleeps in a pose that almost certainly won't lead to a back injury later in his career on a bunk next to a hybrid telephone-coffee maker after sneaking aboard the USS Toledo as part of a wild night with his former classmates at the U.S. Naval Academy reunion Saturday in Annapolis, Md."

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox Flagship Series (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Larry Johnson, 1991 Classic (Heinous Hoops Week No. 1)

Name: Larry Johnson
Team: UNLV Runnin' Rebels
Position: Forward
Value of card: Two tickets to the gun show
Key 1991 stat: Ran, but didn't rebel very much
They shoot, they miss: We're a couple weeks into basketball season, and the good people at the Bust are fired up. Despite your requests, we've decided to bring you another week of basketball cards so bad, so ugly, so absurd, that, well, they'll fit right in on this blog. So put on your shortest short-shorts and get ready to start flopping      it's time for Heinous Hoops Week.
Transcript from a late-night Las Vegas-area TV commercial, circa 1991: "Hello, Las Vegas! I'm Larry Johnson. You may know me for my talent on the basketball court, my python-like biceps, or my penchant for wearing multiple pairs of shorts at the same time. And while it's true that I like shooting hoops, I also love shooting guns!" (Cut to footage of a shirtless LJ firing a rifle in the desert) "That's right, handguns, shotguns, machine guns, I love 'em all. I even fired a Gatling gun one time! Thanks, UNLV boosters! Anyway, that's why I've opened up my own shop. At Johnson's Guns, you'll find every type of firearm and ammunition you could want. But don't take it from me      take it from this old gunslinger! (UNLV mascot Hey Reb dances into the shot, firing live rounds from actual pistols) "AAHHHH! HE SHOT ME! OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A     " (Cut to color bars)

Larry Johnson, 1991 Classic (Heinous Hoops Week No. 1)

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Half off tuition at Lasorda University (Actual value: $0)
Key 1995 stat: One grading scandal
Pencils out, it's time for an educational pop quiz: What collegiate class did Tony Gwynn teach?

A) Religion and Art 212
B) Sewing Cargo Pockets onto Jeans 302 (Lab)
C) Chili Dog Consumption 440 (Colloquium)
D) Collar Popping in Modern America 110
E) None of the above, though he did school a few pitchers in his day

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Wonder Monds, 1990 Nebraska 100 (Football Friday No. 147)

Name: Wonder Monds
Team: Nebraska Cornhuskers
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: You shouldn't wonder about it
Key 1975 stat: 1 red coat, 1 red tie
Fun facts, some of which we didn't make up, about Wonder Monds:

• During his college years, his afro was the tallest point in Nebraska
• Never actually husked any corn
• His extensive sideburns allowed him to Velcro on his helmet
• Besides Santa, the only man in history to look smooth wearing only red and white
• Had sons named Wonderful Terrific Monds III and Mario. Sorry about that, Mario.

Wonder Monds, 1990 Nebraska 100 (Football Friday No. 147)

Jon Lieber, 1992 Front Row

Name: Jon Lieber
Team: University of South Alabama Jaguars
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A seat in the worst Front Row of all time
Key 1992 stat: Shiniest skin in Dixieland
Kansas City Royals scouting report on their 1992 second-round draft choice, Jon Lieber: "Are we sure this kid is 22? He looks more like 12. ... This guy makes a red belt look professional, and that's just hard to find. ... When asked what he'd like to play five years from now, he said starter, reliever, or 'Free Bird.' So, yeah. ... The kid's good at putting up chain-link, and that always comes in handy. ... We're going to need to work on his breaking pitches, as well as his complexion. ... I've never seen a person drink so much Mountain Dew without throwing up. ... The team psychic predicted that this guy will win 20 games for the Cubs some day. Ha! Like that could ever happen."

Jon Lieber, 1992 Front Row

Bill Curley, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Bill Curley
Team: Boston College
Position: Forward
Value of card: Three Curley hairs
Key 1994 stat: A lighter shade of pale
You've earned it: White baller Bill Curley was named Boston College's "Eagle of the Year" (no, really!) as the school's top athlete in 1994. He went on to play in at least six NBA games before retiring in 2001. Here are some other awards he earned along the way:

• Best Boston Stereotype Athlete of the Year, 1994
• College Player of the Year, 1994, presented by the Society of Gentlemen Who Don't Tuck in Their Shirts
• Most Towels Used in a Season, presented by the Boston College basketball staff (four years in a row)
• Dude Who Most Needs a Xanax, as named in the 1994 Boston College yearbook
• Sexiest Man Alive, according to Beet-Face Magazine

Bill Curley, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 7)

Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Basketball Heroes (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Larry Bird
Teams: Indiana State Sycamores, Boston Celtics
Positions: Forward, trend setter
Value of card: Three squirts of milk from farm boy Larry Bird's cow
Key 1991-92 stat: 1,281 Indiana hillbilly stereotypes satisfied
10 reasons Larry Bird is a fashion icon:
10) Off the court, this Bird always wore feathers.
9) No other all-Americans' mamas' made their uniforms.
8) He mixed thighs and white meat.
7) He rocked Starter jackets like no one's business.
6) He finished his outfit with on-the-court roller skates.
5) Socks on his legs and in his shorts.
4) Women in the early 1980s began lusting over knobby knees.
3) He patented the "bucket cut" when the bowl cut just wasn't enough.
2) He made it acceptable to flaunt an invisible mustache.
1) Pale became the new black.

Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Basketball Heroes (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 6)

Kevin Rankin, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Kevin Rankin
Team: Northwestern Wildcats
Position: Center
Value of card: Sweat-stained short-shorts
Key 1994 stat: Two ugly fonts used for name on card
Lies, damned lies and Baseball Card Bust: Which of the following is surprisingly true?

A) Arizona State and Northwestern actually have basketball teams
B) That's as far down as Kevin Rankin's shorts actually went
C) Kevin Rankin's bulge averaged more personal fouls per game than Rankin himself did
D) That was as excited as the kids in the background ever got during this game
E) A and B

Kevin Rankin, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 3)

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 124)

Name: Tre Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of burnt steel
Key 1993 stat: 16 rolls of tape layered around knees and ankles, daily
Washington Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Tre Johnson: "This guy puts the 'offensive' in 'offensive lineman.' ... By the looks of this card, we can count on him to always be on fire. ... If this guy's face mask were any bigger OH MY GOD IS THAT A GIANT BABOON EMERGING FROM THE FLAMING MOLTON STEEL BEHIND TRE JOHNSON? HOW DID NO ONE SEE THAT GIGANTIC GREAT APE'S FACE PEERING FROM BEHIND THIS GUY AND INTO OUR SOULS? A BABOON! A DAMN BABOON! FLEER ALLOWED A BABOON TO GET ON A FOOTBALL CARD!"

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 124)

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Kansas Jayhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 ounces of stubble, shaved
Key 1992 stat: 82-2 record at Hungry Hungry Hippos
49ers' scouting report on first-round pick Dana Stubblefield: "This big kid could be a force if we find him a helmet that fits. ... Despite his high school-looking uniform, he did play in college. ... His use of a tube sock for an elbow pad and a bandanna for a belt shows he's resourceful. ... We'll ask this kid to wear those blue gloves when he's doing the dishes. ... In a surprising coincidence, our owners had plans to change the name Candlestick Park to Stubble Field. ... If he doesn't work out on the defense, we can use his sweat to water three-quarters of the San Joaquin Valley. ... Pro body, collegiate bulge."

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Name: Robin Ventura
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Oklahoma State Cowboys
Position: Third base
Value of card: A pile of dirt from the dinner plate of a poor child in Oklahoma
Key 1988 stat: 12 people blinded by jersey's orange
White Sox front office's scouting report on No. 1 draft pick Robin Ventura: "Says here the name is 'Robin.' We sure we drafted a male? ... Based on the only photo we've seen of him, we're not sure he has eyes. ... Rumor from the college ranks is that this kid has a history of clashing with old men. Do we think that will be a problem in the big leagues? ... We'll have to alter his orangutan running style. ... Let's keep an eye on him; he wears Orenthal James gloves. ... Wait: White Sox, black gloves. Um, color clash nightmare! Not sure this will work. ... We vote for nicknaming him 'Ace.'"

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Name: Bryant Young
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Gandalf's Ring-Bearers
Positions: Defensive line, best pal
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: One trilogy; three volumes, two books apiece
Frodo's right-hand lineman: Gather 'round, young fantasy fans, and hear the story of Bryant "Samwise" Young, a simple defensive lineman whose devotion to cornerback Aaron "Frodo" Glenn helped Middle-Earth's inhabitants survive the most evil of threats. After Frodo Glenn found a football partially buried near the 40-yard line in The Shire, Samwise Young was tasked with accompanying his young Hobbit friend on a destiny quest to the fabled land of End Zone, where the two would spike the football into the fiery depths of Mordor's Cracks of Doom. They survived bloody battles, walked for eons and had hundreds of homo-erotic encounters, all in the name of fellowship. But near their goal, Frodo Glenn became too exhausted to continue the journey. Young Sam Young used all his might to help his companion, and, after a struggle with the disgusting "Gollum" Cook, the football was cast into the fire, thus ending their destiny quest, and their passionate love affair.

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Christian Laettner, 1992-93 Front Row (White Ballers Week No. 3)

Name: Christian Laettner

Teams: Duke Blue Devils, Minnesota Timberwolves

Position: Forward

Value of card: One stolen basketball net

Key 1991-92 stat: 90210 sideburns

Timberwolves' scouting report on No. 1 pick Christian Laettner: "Has a knack for stealing nets, let's hope that translates into in-game steals, too. ... Female fans will appreciate his resemblance to Luke Perry and Jason Priestley. ... If he doesn't work out on court, we can transfer him to the ladder division of the in-house hardware store. ... More of a white rascal than a Blue Devil. ... Name, Christian; religion, Muslim. ... Plus: He's one of the first white ballers to wear his shorts at a level that doesn't blind fans with pasty white thighs. ... Minus: He's still a white baller."

Christian Laettner, 1992-93 Front Row (White Ballers Week No. 3)

Jim Abbott, 1992 Upper Deck Be Cool Stay In School

Name: Jim Abbott

Teams: California Angels, University of Michigan Academic Decathlon C Team

Positions: Pitcher, Geography major

Value of card: VG+

Key 1991 stat: Three A's, two B's

A study in studying: Tack board? Check. 1989 Macintosh II? Check. Focused look? Check. Pin-up of hermaphrodite? Check. Jim Abbott was serious about studying, and he had all the tools to make him successful in the classroom and on the diamond.

Nothing fake about staying in school: Abbott had a lot on his plate when he pretended to go back to the University of Michigan for an ill-conceived insert series for Upper Deck's 1992 set. He had to simulate living in a fake dorm room. He had to attend imaginary classes held in imaginary classrooms. He had to eat nonexistent food at a cafeteria that never existed. He had to stare at a blank screen as if he were studying and pretend to type. Despite this schedule, Abbott found time to grow and maintain a pristine mullet, for real.

Fun fact No. 1: Abbott proved to be a good actor. He quickly picked up the college student habit of typing with one hand.

Fun fact No. 2: Paramedics had to revive Abbott after his mock turtleneck sweatshirt cut off the circulation to his brain.

Jim Abbott, 1992 Upper Deck Be Cool Stay In School

Bo Jackson, 1985 Heisman Series (Bo Week, No. 7)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Auburn Tigers
Positions: Running back, winner
Value of card: One giant, Photoshopped trophy
Key 1985 stat: First of thousands of ridiculous, Bo-related sports cards
Bo, we salute you: For having two all-star careers cut short by a hip injury. For being a better video game athlete than real-life athlete. For your bulge of legend. For being upstaged by Bo Diddley. For going by "Bo" even though your real name is Vincent Edward. For having enough terrible sports cards to supply the Bust with a week's worth of fodder. For appearing in the worst collector's card of all time. For all this and so much more, we at the Bust honor you, Bo Jackson, with the largest Bust Cup we've ever created. Call it a lifetime underachievement award. You, sir, are at the pinnacle of the Bust.

Bo Jackson, 1985 Heisman Series (Bo Week, No. 7)

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pacific (Football Friday No. 26)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Notre Dame
Position: Nose tackle
Value of card: One treasure trail
Key 1991 stat: Zero adult-size jerseys worn
Football Friday quiz time:

Why is Chris Zorich's jersey so tiny?

A) Drunken laundry mishap
B) A poor school, Notre Dame could only afford child-size football jerseys
C) Bottom half was ground off by the steel wool on his belly
D) It's foreshadowing the Irish's shrinking college football prowess
E) Charlie Weis traveled back in time and ate part of it

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pacific (Football Friday No. 26)

Aaron Glenn, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 4)

Name: Aaron Glenn
Team: Texas A&M
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: 72 orcs slain
He's no hobbit: Gather 'round and hear the tale of Aaron "Frodo" Glenn, a simple cornerback who faced an incredible task. Walking through the wooded land of College Station, Texas, Aaron noticed a football partially buried in the ground. He unearthed the ball, picked it up and immediately felt a sense of destiny flow through him. This was the Football of Power, stitched in the fires of Mordor. The ball had long ago been stolen from the sport's evil king and lost in the pages of time. Aaron's find set forth a legendary series of events, teaming him with elves, dwarves and a gray wizard, and pitting him against ogres, demons and tackling dummies. The young defensive back's chore: Return the ball to the land of darkness and cast it into the furnace from whence it came. Aaron, seen here at the gates of the fiery kingdom, overcame the many obstacles set before him, spiked the cursed object into the flames and did the Ickey Shuffle. The dark lord's power was broken, and little Aaron Glenn became a Saint.

Aaron Glenn, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 4)

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Classic NFL Draft (Football Friday, No. 2)

Name: Marshall Faulk

Team: San Diego State

Position: Running back

Value of card: 1,400 space bucks

Key 1993 stat: 14 corrective surgeries on his left hand
Sensory overload: We at Baseball Card Bust aren't certain what's most amazing about this illustration. Sure, we knew Marshall Faulk repeatedly dodged exploding football missiles while on the gridiron. We suspected that his speed alone could affect the orbits of planets from other solar systems. But we didn't know he could rip through the fabric of time and space, or whatever is going on immediately behind him. And we never noticed that his left hand was so deformed it looked like some giant claw with footlong fingers. Look at that thing! Faulkenstein couldn't just palm a basketball, he could crush one, if he so chose. Getting stiff-armed by him would be like running into a bony wall. We'd like to see Stallone arm wrestle this guy, though. Over the top, indeed.

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Classic NFL Draft (Football Friday, No. 2)