Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Name: Donnell Thompson
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Defensive end, giant
Value of card: Helplessness
Key 1990 stat: Judging by this card, he was 8'4", 403 lbs.
It's a Football Friday Caption, which likely didn't run in the Indianapolis Star sometime in 1990: "Packers quarterback Blair Kiel futilely winds up to pass to a target he almost certainly cannot see shortly before having more than half of the bones in his body mercilessly crushed by Colts defender and oversize human Donnell Thompson on Sunday in Green Bay, Wisc."

Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Name: Marshall Faulk
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: Who gives a Faulk?
Key 1994 stat: Almost died 372 times
Here's a drug test anyone can pass: What's the most dangerous thing Marshall Faulk is trying to elude in the above card?

(A) The fire snake that appears to have taken off his lower left leg
(B) The crazed Indy car driver who's trying to run him down
(C) The poisonous gas cloud that's rolling in behind the car
(D) The shards of glass that are falling from the sky
(E) The tripped-out artist who has put him in this situation to begin with

Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Ray May, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 155)

Name: Ray May
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: It looks a lot like the second letter in "Colts"
Key 1971 stat: 13 collared shirts turned into game jerseys
Introducing ... The Ray-May May-Day®: Style, not everyone has it. But from some men, it emanates. One of those men is Ray May, whose rhyming name is only the 12th most awesome thing about him. May took inspiration from other fashion mavens, whose hairdos included The Soaring Mushroom®, The Great Scott® and The SaberMullet®. But May struck out on his own, eschewing the day's trends for his own creation, The Ray-May May-Day®, an afro of perfect roundness juxtaposed by sideburns so sharp they've cut the hands of a thousand ladies who've tried to run their fingers through their conception of heaven. So hats off to Ray May, because the Ray-May May-Day® would never have a hat over it.

Ray May, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 155)

John Unitas 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 149)

Name: John Unitas
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Two rusted horseshoes
Key 1970 stat: 10,145 stories told about his greatness 40 years later by old men
One of Unitas' roles was quarterback; here are some other roles he played:

• Hall of Famer
• Leader
• Hero
• Drill sergeant
• Wood shop teacher
• A guy everyone called Johnny
• Drawer of tiny blue football players with skinny legs
• Flat tops-only barber
• Creepy guy staring at you

John Unitas 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 149)

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)

Name: Marshall Faulk, aka "The Missile"
Team: Indianapolis Volts
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Two wet fuses
Key 1994 splat: Not as fast when wearing 200 pounds of metal
Reactions from other NFL players and coaches upon seeing this card:

• Colts QB Jim Harbaugh: "Who's got it better than him? Everybody!"
• Chiefs LB Derrick Thomas: "How come the rookie got to wear a cool outfit?"
• 49ers WR Jerry Rice: "Indianapolis still has a football team?"
• Former Falcons coach Jerry Glanville: "Nice belt buckle!"
• Vikings kick returner Qadry Ismail: "That S.O.B. stole my nickname! And my cape!"

Marshall Faulk, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 4)

Steve Emtman, 1992 Wild Card Stat Smashers (Football Friday No. 100)

Name: Steve Emtman
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: A nail in your tire
Key 1992 stat: 100 boxes of Entenmann's donuts eaten
Just one question:

Which of these was a worse idea than this Wild Card set?

A) Filling blimps with hydrogen
B) The designated hitter
C) Napoleon's invasion of Russia
D) Prohibition
E) None of the above

Steve Emtman, 1992 Wild Card Stat Smashers (Football Friday No. 100)

Rodney Culver, 1992 Wild Card Stat Smashers (Football Friday No. 88)

Name: Rodney Culver
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: Five metal shavings (under fingernails)
Key 1992 stat: 18,102 epileptic fits caused by this card
U-G-L-Y, this ain't got no alibi: Who the hell designed this card?

A) A 7-year-old with ADD who's really into things that are metallic
B) An art student dropout with ADD who's really into things that are metallic
C) A Colts fan with ADD who's really into things that are metallic
D) Jeff George
E) All of the above, and all at the same time

Rodney Culver, 1992 Wild Card Stat Smashers (Football Friday No. 88)

Norm Thompson, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 43)

Name: Norm Thompson
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 50-cent Ace comb, used
Key 1976 stat: One painted-on jersey
Mother knows best: Norm Thompson was excited. It was picture day at training camp, and he had been working on his 'fro all spring and summer, trying to look like his idol, Oscar Gamble. Thompson was about to grab his keys and head to practice when a knock came at his door. He opened it to find his mother, hands on hips, foot tapping, with a menacing look on her face. Mrs. Thompson grabbed Normie by the ear, marched him into the bathroom and handed him a comb. "You're not going to practice looking like that," she scolded. "Now get to combing!" Thompson spent the next 30 minutes transforming his afro into the hardest part since Adolf Hitler's. The only thing that hurt worse than his scalp that day was the mocking from his teammates — and the Topps photographer.

Norm Thompson, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 43)