Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Name: Jay Bell
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four broken golf tees 
Key 1997 stat: Zero idea how to play golf
At the sound of the bell, please answer this pop quiz: What's Jay Bell up to here?

A) Getting ready to move to golf-friendly Arizona
B) Going from a former greenskeeper to a Masters champion
C) Playing golf with a base and a baseball. Duh.
D) Working on his putts
E) All of the above

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Name: Scott Pose
Team: Chattanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A box full of nothing but sky (that is, air)
Key 1991 stat: Never convinced anybody of anything
Get your story straight: This Scott Pose card is as confusing as it is worthless. Here are just some of its contradictions:

• The guy's name is Pose, but this is clearly a live-action shot of him crashing into the wall      right?
• He plays for the Lookouts, but he clearly wasn't looking out for his own dignity when agreeing to this shot.
• This photo was purportedly taken in Chattanooga, but, given the exposed wiring and crumbling masonry, that sure looks like the Oakland Coliseum to us.
• The card says he's a "pre-rookie," but we all know that's not actually a thing.

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Ryne Sandberg, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 6)

Name: Ryne Sandberg
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Second base
Value of card: Getting mauled by a rhino
Key 1991 stat: At least three shirts worn at all times
Well, hello: There it is. Where? Just above the Bust cup, as though you couldn't see it. It's clearly the focal point of the card, and it's staring right at you. Does it fluster you? Good. You look at it and know it has a checkered past. You feel its presence and know that it's seen more action than you ever will. Even Ryne Sandberg himself is afraid to acknowledge its presence. You can't help but be in awe of its girth and mutter a four-letter word. "Cubs." Wait, what? We were talking about the Cubs logo. What were you looking at?

Ryne Sandberg, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 6)

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Second base, about to get strangled by a snake
Value of card: 1 square inch of shedded snake skin from 1984
Key 1983 stat: Scared 15,920 children
Nothing to see here: In 1983, the Atlanta Braves went all out to celebrate all-star second baseman Glenn Hubbard's birthday. Before a road game in Philadelphia, the Braves enlisted the help of the Phillie Phanatic, a homeless man in a Barney Rubble costume, the Fleer photography staff, the Eastern Seaboard's best balloon "artist" and a snake handler named Xeres to honor their hirsute teammate. The festivities were going fine until Xeres placed a 12-foot-long boa constrictor on Hubbard's shoulders. The second baseman stood petrified, his beady eyes crying for help while he put on his best smile for the Fleer photographer. But things took a turn for the ugly when the boa mistook Hubbard's sizable beard and hairstyle for another reptile and mated with his face. Both terrified and aroused, Hubbard lost consciousness and had to be revived by the Phanatic, who threw a bucket of confetti on him.

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Name: Bruce Armstrong, aka "The Piledriver"
Team: Boo Eekland Patriots
Position: Offensive tackle
Fright value of card: A mixed metaphor
Key 1994 splat: One copyright infringement lawsuit from the creators of "Edward Scissorhands"
Top 10 questions we're left with after viewing this abomination:

10) If he's The Piledriver, why does he have clamps for hands?
9) Isn't the Piledriver a move invented and used by Ron Jeremy?
8) If his abdomen is animatronic and exposed, why is his crotch so massive?
7) Why isn't the exposed part of his left leg also covered with toxic silver paint?
6) Are those lights on his head, or plastic cups left over from beer pong?
5) Why is he making a face like he has to poop?
4) Wouldn't it be hard for him to move while wearing boots made of lead?
3) Are the cardmakers implying that Bruce Armstrong commits a lot of holding penalties?
2) Is it pronounced "pile-driver" or "piled river"?
1) Why did grown men agree to pose for this set?

Bruce Armstrong, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 6)

Neil O'Donnell, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 1)

Name: Neil "Knight Raider" O'Donnell
Team: Pittsburgh Squealers
Position: Quarterback
Fright value of card: A spider bite
Key 1994 splat: Four spikes (not of the football)
Halloween Week returns from the grave: That's right, fright fans, thanks to popular demand (nearly 12 of you asked for it), we've brought back the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron for a second Halloween Week. What better way to start than with possibly the most confusing card in the set. For one thing, Neil O'Donnell here looks like a cross between a Tim Burton character and Braveheart. Second, his "monster" name is Knight Raider, even though he's not on the Raiders and he looks nothing like David Hasselhoff. And third, how is this a monster? Is he a zombie knight? Is he just really old and muscular? Why does he have chainmail AND short sleeves? And why, for lord's sake, is his helmet shooting out Cheez Whiz? Never mind. We don't want to know any more.

Neil O'Donnell, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 1)

Jimmie Reese, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 6)

Name: Jimmie Reese
Team: California Angels
Position: We'll get to that in a minute
Value of card: One adult undergarment, used
Key 1990 stat: Two broken hips
We're stumped: CH? What, exactly, is this old-timer's position?

A) Cretaceous hitter
B) Cranky hombre
C) Comatose (in an) hour
D) Cremation happens
E) Certainly historic
F) Chronic hemorrhoids
G) All of the above, and so much more

Jimmie Reese, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 6)

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Name: "Ozzie" Canseco

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The tails side of a nickel

Key 1992 stat: Zero "Joses." That's right. Don't even bother checking any documents.

The old switcheroo: Jose Canseco was a slugger known in the early 1990s for his towering home runs and Hollywood lifestyle. He had an ego as big as his bat, and both were often on display. Then, Jose Canseco's life came crumbling down. He got divorced, arrested and was accused of using steroids as a tool of his trade. With his life in a tailspin, Canseco left the game. A few months later, the Cardinals signed a slugging outfielder by the name of "Ozzie" Canseco. He hit for power, ran with speed and always wore a shirt that read, "Bash Brother 4 Life." Reporters pestered "Ozzie" about his past. He would shirk the questions and point to what he called a birthmark on his hand. "See, how could I be Jose with this birthmark?" he would say. A reporter would usually speak up and tell him it looked like a circle colored in with a Sharpie marker. "Pay that no mind," Ozzie would say, "I am Ozzie Canseco, brother to Jose, who has disappeared and left me, a clean, sober, law-abiding physical specimen to carry the baseball torch for the Canseco kin." To this, a reporter would usually say, "Jose?" To which "Ozzie" would always turn and reply, "Yes," before running from the locker room.

Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Carlos Baerga, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Name: Carlos Baerga
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Second base
Value of card: Many questions
Key 1993 stat: 14 suns destroyed
Literal translation: So, since there's no way to determine exactly what the hell is supposed to be going on in this illustration, here's the literal take on it. Carlos Baerga lived in outer space, where ice chips floated across the sky and poisonous vapors wafted behind him wherever he went. Baerga used a hammer with tail feathers as a bat. Instead of the batter's box, he took most of his swings from atop a giant bushel of grapes. He liked to blow up stars resembling tennis balls that exploded into giant fireworks. And, most importantly, his uniform pants were so tight, you could see the flask of whiskey in his back pocket.

Carlos Baerga, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps, 1989 Topps All-Star

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Two chemotherapy sessions
Key 1988 stat: One new game created
We have a winner: During this 1988 Minnesota-Detroit game, Topps was good enough to capture the beginning of a new game created by slugger Kent Hrbek and his Twin teammates. Called "Guess What You're Tasting," the contest involved blindfolding the player whose turn it was, cramming a wad of whatever into his mouth, removing the blindfold and then forcing the player to keep the substance in his mouth until he guessed correctly or vomited. The only restrictions: nothing that could cut or kill. Here we see Hrbek, at top, trying to determine what has just been stuffed into his considerable maw. He seems puzzled and possibly a little gassy. At bottom, on his fourth guess, a pleased Hrbek has finally come up with the correct answer: Gene Larkin's jock strap.

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps, 1989 Topps All-Star

Sean Jones, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 1)

Name: Sean Jones, aka Ghost

Team: Scream Bay Packers

Position: Defensive end

Fright value of card: Four soiled bandages

Key 1994 splat: One confused photographer

Welcome to Halloween Week: Run! It's a ... ghost? Or a mummy? It's all very confusing. Maybe not as confusing as having a 270-pound defensive lineman dress up as some sort of monster to begin with, but still. The poor Coke photographer had a totally scary see-through sheet with eyeholes for Sean Jones — except that Jones showed up in a homemade mummy outfit. "Uh, Mr. Jones," the photog said, "we've got your ghost costume all ready for you." Jones only scoffed. "Please," he said, "I think I know what a ghost looks like. I've been to Tulsa." Now completely bewildered, the photographer decided it best to just go ahead with the shoot. "OK, act like a ghost, Mr. Jones." Jones started stumbling slowly around the studio, knocking over lights and groaning. The photog then informed Jones that such behavior was more mummylike than ghostly. Jones, now enraged, began chasing the photographer around the studio, eventually catching him and tearing off one of his arms. Sean Jones retired from professional football in 1997.

Sean Jones, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 1)

Gary Matthews, 1986 Topps

Name: Gary Matthews
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: What?
Key 1985 stat: When?
Time for another pop quiz:

What is Gary Matthews looking at?

(A) Nothing. He's just sooooo stoned.
(B) The really hot girl in Section 113, Row 4
(C) Superman
(D) Superman flying away with the really hot girl in Section 113, Row 4

Why is his hat askew?

(A) Stupid Rick Sutcliffe just put him in a headlock
(B) To get manager Jim Frey's goat. That guy is such a stickler.
(C) He just woke up from a refreshing locker room nap
(D) 'Cause that's how he rolls

What would be the best title for this card?

(A) "Dumbfounded in the Dugout"
(B) "Huh?"
(C) "Dazed and Bemused"
(D) "Your Chicago Cubs: Perplexed Since 1908"

Gary Matthews, 1986 Topps