David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: David Palmer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One VHS cassette from 2001 with a couple episodes of "24" on it
Key 1988 stat: 29 lips chewed
Conversation between Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and pitcher David Palmer on June 21, 1988:

HK: "We're back, and we're talking to today's winning pitcher, David Palmer who held the Cubs to one run over seven innings today. David, thanks for joining us."
DP: "Dad? Is that you?"
HK: "No, David, this is Harry Kalas, the play-by-play announcer. Now, you looked great out there today, and it was perhaps your best start of the season. What was working for you today?"
DP: "It was great, Dad! I got a hit and they hardly got any! Plus, in between innings, Coach let me go in the clubhouse and play 'Space Invaders.'"
HK: "I see. Well, that's just about all the time we have to    "
DP: "Oh, wow, somebody stuck a lime on the end of the microphone. I'm gonna eat it!"
HK (over the sounds of Palmer chewing on the headset): "No, David! Dad says no! OK, we've got to go. See you tomorrow for more Phillies baseball."

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Ron Kittle
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 months of bird crap found inside a sparrow nest
Key 1983 stat: 20/80 vision
Grab your mace: "Hey baby. Come to this parking lot often? Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. No, no, don't back away. I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm not a serial killer or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my panel van over here? It's really nice inside. You should see it some time. Why are you dialing on your phone? I'm not trying to scare you out of your clothes or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my glasses? All the better to see you with, my dear. Wait, why are you running away? I can be the man of your dreams. Don't you want me haunting your dreams? Wait, come back! (Puts rope, large plastic bag and shovel into the back of van.)"

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Name: Myron Guyton
Team: New York Giants
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: 6 shreds of Zubaz
Key 1990 stat: 71 straight hours cradling a football
Conversation between Myron Guyton and a Pro Line photographer, circa 1990:
Pro Line photographer: "Howdy, Myron. I'm here to take your photo."
Myron Guyton: "No ball."
PLP: "Ha. That's fine, Myron. All I need to do is snap a picture."
MG: "I said, 'No ball.'"
PLP: "OK, OK. You just hold onto that ball, buddy. Let me get set up here."
MG: "No. No. No. No ball."
PLP: "You keep the ball, Myron. Maybe just hold it more naturally."
MG: "No. My football."
PLP: "Don't you maybe want to hold it tucked between your arm and your side, like you're running with it?"
MG: "My ball. No ball for you."
PLP: "Fine. Your ball. Any chance you can shake out your Zubaz pants so we don't end up with a football card sporting a bulge?"
MG: "My bulge."
PLP: (sighs, shakes head, takes photo)

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Name: Morten Anderson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 10 toenail clippings
Key 1990 stat: 240 hours spent perched on a goal post
Conversation between Pro Line photographer and Morten Anderson, circa 1990:
Pro Line Photographer: "Morten, Morten, will you please come down from there?"
Morten Anderson: "No. No, no, no, no. No!"
PLP: "Morten, please, this is supposed to be a professional photo shoot."
MA: "I don't wanna. I don't have to take some stupid picture if I don't wanna."
PLP: "Morten, this is written into your contract. Please, come down."
MA: "My mom says I don't have to do anything that I don't want to."
PLP: "Morten, this will be quick. Please come down and I'll take a photo and we'll be done. I'll even give you a candy bar."
MA: "Fine, I'll come down. But I'm not putting on any pants or combing my hair."
PLP: "Forget it. (shoots photo) We're done here."
MA: "But you promised me a candy bar!"

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Name: Michael Dean Perry
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 6 bottles of Nair
Key 1990 stat: 7 wrestling matches with a Fridge
The shame returns: Yes, it's still baseball season, but preseason football is here, and that's all the reason we need to subject you to more Shameful Sunday Portraits. Get ready to cringe!
Conversation between Michael Dean Perry and a Pro Line photographer, circa August 1991:
Michael Dean Perry: "OK, OK. I know what I want to do."
Pro Line photographer: "Mr. Perry, please just put on your pads and go stand on the field."
MDP: "Nope, I have a better idea. Don't need these."
PLP: "Mr. Perry, please put your pants back on."
MDP: "No sir, I'm free as a bird. Just look at these legs."
PLP: "Those are very nice legs, Mr. Perry. But we have a photo shoot to conduct."
MDP: "I know, I know. Here's my idea: I go pantsless and hang from the goalpost."
PLP: "That's not going to work, Mr. Perry."
MDP: "OK, how about I go pantsless and sit on a tackling dummy."
PLP: "I'm sorry, but my editor will not be OK with that."
MDP: "How about this: I go pantsless and hang out in the stands."
PLP: "Well, you'll be hanging out regardless, I guess. Let's get this over with."
MDP: "Yayyy! Best photo shoot eva!"

Michael Dean Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 45)

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Todd Zeile
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Zeile-yun dollars
Key 1990 stat: 1,052 times listening to Bell Biv Devoe
Interview transcript with Todd Zeile, circa 1990: 
Radio interviewer: "Welcome back, Cardinals fans, Mike Shannon here with the Mutual of Omaha Player of the Game Todd Zeile, who went 2-for-3 with the deciding homer today. He also took a pretty good shot to the noggin from Andre Dawson's backswing in the sixth, but toughed it out. Todd, you want to take off those headphones and tell me about that long ball?"
Todd Zeile: "Shh, shh, I'm listening to the postgame show! I think they're going to be talking to me this time! Ugh, too bad my head hurts."
RI: "Uh, Todd, this is the show. We're on live right now. So, how about that homer?"
TZ: "Come on, man, I can't hear the show with you yammering away like that. And can someone turn off that alarm clock! Geez. Ooh, is that a chocolate truffle?" (Attempts to eat the end of the interviewer's microphone)
RI: "Hey, stop that! That's not food! OK, we're going to take a break and see if we can get the trainer to have a look at Todd Zeile, here. From Busch Stadium, this is Mike Shannon signing off."
TZ: "Man, I can't get a good signal in this dugout. Screw this, I'm playing my Bell Biv Devoe CD again." (Starts singing) "That girl is poisonnnn, p-p-p-poison!"
 

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Name: Cortez Kennedy
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Six twigs, 12 berries
Key 1990 stat: 212 reps of a 423-pound rock
Conversation between Cortez Kennedy and Pro Line photographer:
Cortez Kennedy: Um, what are we doing out here by these rocks?
Pro Line photographer: We're shooting a football card, silly.
CZ: What does this have to do with football?
PLP: Well ... um ...
CZ: Is it because I'm strong, like a rock?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because our defensive line is like an avalanche headed toward the quarterback?
PLP: Um ...
CZ: Is it because football is such a grueling game, the best players, the ones who really succeed and prove themselves on the field and who strive to be the best, need to act like they've been carved from granite?
PLP: Um ... actually, it's because it takes a lot of stones to appear on such a stupid card.
CZ: Just take the friggin' picture.

Cortez Kennedy, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 37)

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Names: Eric Karros, Tommy Lasorda and Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, manager and catcher, respectively
Value of card: The jelly inside one of those donuts
Key 1995 stat: Two L.A. sleazebags living in one house
Conversation between Eric Karros and Mike Piazza around the time this photo was taken:
Mike Piazza: "Hey, Eric. You ever feel like someone is watching you?"
Eric Karros: "Hold on, sweetheart. ... What's that, Mike?"
MP: "I said, Do you ever feel like someone is watching you?"
EK: "Yeah, actually, sometimes I do." (hangs up phone)
MP: "It's weird, ya know. Like, I'm pouring this bowl of fake cereal and I feel like someone is judging me, saying I should be eating Wheaties or something."
EK: "I know what you mean. It's like someone is looking at me, telling me how I should do this, how I should do that."
MP: "It's crazy. It's like someone is saying, 'Hey, Mike, shave that stupid mustache and trim those tacky sideburns.'"
EK: "I can't get over this feeling that someone is managing my minutes. Like, 'Hey, Karros, you moron, hang up that 12-pound phone. It costs $4.50 a minute.'"
MP: "Yeah, 'manage.' That's the right word. I feel like someone, I don't know who, is managing my every move, even here at our perfectly arranged pseudo-breakfast table."
EK: "I feel like someone is telling me to wipe my greasy hair with a towel. Weird."
MP: "Weird for sure. ... Hey, wait a sec. Who ate all those donuts? They disappeared."
EK: "I don't know, Mike. I don't know."

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of cards: Two tabs, bro
Key 2000 stat: Wait, wait, wait, bro; you mean we're in the year 2000? Whoa.
Duuuuuuuude: "Whoa, man. What are you doing over there, man? You're like glowing and stuff, man. Oh ... my ... gosh, dude. You're, like, covered in colors. Dude, this is so trippy. And what are you wearing, man? Is this some kind of a renaissance fair or something? You look like a knight. What do you call a knight at night? I don't even know, dude. Huh-huh. That's hilarious. You have a mask on from that one movie, what's it called? 'Hannibal Lecture'? Yeah, man. You look crazy, man. Why are you so, like, squatty? Huh-huh. Squatty. What does that even mean? I don't know what I'm saying. ... My skin is melting. ... I need to find a bench, man."

Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Tony Saunders, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Tony Saunders
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Old fishing bait
Key 1996 stat: 137 cheeseburgers eaten
Upper Deck photographer's directions to Tony Saunders from 11:23 to 11:25 a.m., March 17, 1997: "OK, Tony, let's start by having you hold the ball in front of you, like you're showing it to me. Could you bring it up a little higher? Higher, please. Just, not so close to your crotch. No, farther from your crotch, please. Tony, please stop making that gesture with the ball. It's not funny. No, I'm not impressed by your 'slide piece.' Hold the ball higher, away from your crotch, please. Please. No, the count is not two balls and no strikes. Lots of people are going to see this card, you know. OK, a handful of people, but still, is this how you want them to know you? All right, fine. I hope Sheffield makes you eat that ball later."

Tony Saunders, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Doug Mientkiewicz
Team: New York Mets Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: "Dirt" stains on the seat of your pants
Key 2005 stat: Even he didn't know how to spell his surname
Things said by Mentki Mintka Doug to this anonymous catcher:

• "No, I will not stand up. Not until you apologize for calling my jersey hideous."
• "What do you mean this seashell necklace looked better on my wife?"
• "Why yes, I am going to just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I mean, coach just told me to do what I do best!"
• "Have you seen my bat?"
• "I got traded to Kansas City? Well, it could be worse. I could be on the Mets."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Even trade for a 1990 Sears catalog
Key 1990 stat: 12,981 jokes by teammates about his first name
Conversation between Orel Hershiser and a Topps Stadium Club photographer, circa 1990:
Topps Stadium Club photographer: "Hey, Orel. Nice to meet you."
Orel Hershiser: "Hi! I'm so excited for this shoot."
TSCP: "Apparently. You brought props?"
OH: "Sure did. Can we start?"
TSCP: "Uh, sure. OK, get comfortable."
OH: "How's this look?"
TSCP: "I think you can lose the mortarboard."
OH: "Really? OK, how about this?"
TSCP: "Um, you should take off the cheap robe."
OH: "Bummer. OK, how do I look now?"
TSCP: "No need for a fake diploma, Orel."
OH: "But how will my relatives know I'm graduating high school?"
TSCP: "Orel, buddy. This is a baseball card shoot, not a chance to take high school graduation photos."
OH: "Stop killing my dreams. How does this hand-on-chin pose look?"
TSCP: "That's fine, Orel. That's just fine. Big smile. One, two, three, cheese."
OH: "Cheeeeeessssseeeee!"

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Cameron
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 cents a minute
Key 1998 stat: 14 jewelry-induced neck strains
Conversation between Mike Cameron and an unknown caller, circa 1999: "Hello. Who's this? I can't hear ya. Speak up, son. Speak up. Ya there? I'm here. In the dugout. Just say something. You're right. I need to talk. I have a Gatorade drinking problem. It's true. I lost my uniform and now I think my manager hates me. I'm so sad. So, so sad. I just want to cry sometimes, ya know? It's like I have this huge weight on my shoulders and I can't lift it off. Oh, it feels so good to talk about it. This necklace I'm wearing? It's not real. I tell everyone it's real, but it's not. I got it for 600 tickets at a Chuck E. Cheese's. Man, I love pizza. Mmm, pizza. But seriously, thanks so much for listening. It means a lot. You're always there for me. Hello? Hello? Wait, why did I answer the radar gun?"

Mike Cameron, 1999 Upper Deck

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

Name: John Cangelosi
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One baseball card that's been stuffed in an armpit
Key 1988 stat: Better pitcher than hitter
Conversation between Topps photographer and John Cangelosi, Feb. 21, 1989:
Topps photog: "OK, John. Let's take some photos. Now, there's no reason to be worried."
John Cangelosi: "I'm not worried, just nervous. And sometimes when I'm nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them like this!" (Removes hands from pits, inhales deeply)
TP: (Dry-heaves) "Aaaaand we're done here."

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

John Cangelosi, 1989 Topps

John Stockton, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 7)

Name: John Stockton
Team: Utah Jazz
Position: Point guard
Value of card: Two dead AAA batteries
Key 1993-94 stat: Not actually that buff
Possible conversation between John Stockton and the basketball on the card above: 
John Stockton: "OK, basketball, prepare to begin dribbling."
Basketball: "John, I'm a basketball. This ham radio get-up isn't doing anything. It's just a voice in your head."
JS: "Shut up, basketball, or I'll destroy you with my conical, turquoise eye laser!"
BB: "You don't have an eye laser, John. Please stop making things up."
JS: "That's enough out of you! Just for that, I'm gonna dribble you extra hard."
BB: "Oof! Oof! Oh, wait, no, it doesn't actually hurt because, for some reason, you're dribbling me on grass in a national park."
JS: (Picks up ball, starts crying) "Why can't you be supportive of my imagination? I'm just trying to have a little fun! I suppose you like being held in Malone's sweaty palms better?"
BB: "Oh, thank god you stopped dribbling. You know that every time I hit the floor, I can see up your shorts, right?"

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

John Stockton, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 7)

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

Name: Frank Emanuel
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sad
Key 1968 stat: Constantly bullied
Conversation between Topps photographer and Frank Emanuel, Aug. 14, 1968:
TP: "OK, Frank, let's start by having you take a knee and remove your helmet. The kids love that pose."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh, kneels down) "OK..."
TP: "Um, OK, good, now just take off your helmet, please."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Why not?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Because Csonka super-glued my helmet to my ears and said that if I do manage to take it off, he'll punch me in the duodenum." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I don't even know what that is."
TP: "Wow. Well, can you at least tilt your head down a little so your eyes aren't covered by that 14-pound facemask?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Oh lordy."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Bob Griese got the locks changed at my house, so I had to sleep in my car last night." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't move my neck at all. And I don't know who will feed Captain Stinky."
TP: "Captain Stinky?"
FE: "My bunny."
TP: "OK then. Well, can you at least smile for me?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh)
TP: "You know what? Never mind. (Takes photo) Next!"

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

Rob Dibble, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 5)

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Reliever
Value of card: It's nasty
Key 1991 stat: 999 times being nasty
Rob Dibble is talking to you: "Yo. I'm Rob Dibble, and I'm a Nasty Boy. That's right, I'm nasty. How nasty? I like to swim in raw sewage. I enjoy cleaning my teeth with motor oil dipsticks. I live in a trash bin, in a junkyard, in Detroit. Yeah, I'm nasty. I once wore Norm Charlton's jockstrap as a necklace, and stored my hard-boiled eggs in Randy Myers' tighty-whities. Yeah! Nasty! For breakfast, I have whatever's rotting. For lunch, I throw up in my mouth. For dinner, Hawaiian barbecue. Ooh, yeah. That's nasty. I once saw John Kruk in the nude. I took a photo. I put it in my locker. Next to a lock of his chest hair. Oooooh, nasty! Like my gelled-up hair? Guess what: It's not gel. Nasty boy! Oooooh, so nasty. Tell Marge Schott I'm game. Nasty!"

Rob Dibble, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 5)

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Gary Ward
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A wadded-up tissue of unknown origin
Key 1985 stat: 14 shaving mishaps
Conversation between big Gary Ward and little Gary Ward, sometime after this frightening illustration was completed:

Little Gary Ward: "You knew it was photo day, right? Did you just choose not to even clean up the handlebars on that mustache?"
Big Gary Ward: "Oh, good, I'm catching insults from a guy with a clubfoot."
LGW: "Nice smile, by the way. Or are you just mouth-breathing? It's hard to tell."
BGW: "I'm getting ready to bite your little head off, pipsqueak.
LGW: "You don't scare me. But your unibrow does."
BGW: "Man, shut up! I don't have a unibrow. It's just that this damned artist can't seem to draw facial hair of any kind. I mean, look at you! You don't even have handlebars on your 'stache, and we're supposed to be the same person!"
LGW: "... You know what? You're right. I'm sorry Big Gary. We should be working together, not picking each other apart. Can you forgive me?"
BGW: "You got it, Little Gary. Come over here and give me a hug." (Bites off Little Gary's head) "Heh. Sucker."

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 burnt pepperonis
Key 1993 stat: 14 trips to JCPenney for handsome shirts
A year after winning the Rookie of the Year award in 1993, Mike Piazza tells a rookie how to achieve success: "Listen, kid. You have to trust me. I've been there; done that. I've been to the top of the mountain; I've done the things you dream about. You want to win? You have to do as I say. You want to play well? Do what I do. You want to be a star, surrounded by camera flashes and B-list actresses and getting free cuts at The Hollywood Mullet Factory? Sorry, there's only enough room for one Piazza in L.A. But you still can be great. Here's what to do: (1) grow out your hair and drown it in gel; (2) pick out the sweetest shirts you can find at JCPenney; (3) listen to Lasorda; (4) watch '90210' for sideburns tips; and, finally, (5) stick to a strict regimen of 5-pound weightlifting twice a week."

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro