Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers (Yeah, we get it.)
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 cow patties
Key 1990 stat: 12 bucking broncos hogtied (or something)
It's time for a pop quiz deep in the heart of Texas:

What exactly is the "Texas Cowboy Life"?

(A) It's like the "Dallas Cowboy Life," only more successful and less comical.
(B) You hang out on a ranch and every so often punch a rookie in the head a half-dozen times.
(C) You pose for a ridiculous set of baseball cards for a company trying to stave off bankruptcy.
(D) Two words: assless chaps.
(E) All of the above.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Name: David Klingler
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Positions: Quarterback, farmhand
Value of card:  14 blisters on your foot
Key 1992 stat: Earned every bit of that Bust trophy up there in the corner
Ten unfortunate things that happened to David Klingler during this photo shoot:

10) Lighting guy forgot most of his equipment
9) Sacked by a tractor
8) Forced to wear that jacket
7) Cut his hand on his belt buckle
6) Threw an interception to an actual cowboy
5) Threw an interception to a scarecrow
4) Threw an interception to a very dexterous steer
3) Got called "Corporal Klinger" a lot
2) Got grease stains on his new Wranglers
1) His shoot directly followed Boomer Esiason's
 

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Mark Recchi, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Mark Recchi
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: Two horse apples
Key 2010-11 stat: 17 failed attempts at teaching his horse how to ice skate
Here's how Mark Recchi spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Mark rose with the sun and headed down to the stables after donning traditional Western wear: a polo shirt, cargo shorts and aviator sunglasses. He then fed his favorite horse, Cupcake, oats from the cup. After a few minutes, he got jealous and began eating oats out of the cup, as well. Mark got Cupcake saddled and punished the horse for its insolence by riding it while carrying the 33-pound cup. Cupcake, never one to suffer fools, soon began bucking, throwing Mark and the cup to the ground. Mark and the cup were then taken to the hospital by ambulance, but both recovered quickly.

Mark Recchi, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Names: Nolan "The Gentleman Rancher" Ryan, Horse
Teams: Texas Rangers, The Stable
Positions: Ace, Saddled
Value of card: Two unlucky horseshoes
Key 1990 stat: 1,211 rides together
It's time for a Texas-size edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Covered in flies (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes wears a saddle in bed (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Still participates in the occasional rodeo (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Often craps in a field (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Favorite TV show is "Mr. Ed" (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Shoes attached to feet with nails (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Often eats from a feedbag (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan 0, Horse 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: It's not often there's a tie in The Matchup, but it's not often two individuals share such similar characteristics. In the end, neither Ryan nor Horse could gallop away into the sunset with a victory.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Whatever comes out of that horse in the background
Key 1992 stat: Not an actual sheriff
Top 10 current or former Dallas Cowboys that Troy Aikman would have had to arrest, were he actually a lawman:
10) Michael Irvin, for mistaking a chalk line for, well, you know
9) Nate Newton, for eating everyone's lunch while they were practicing
8) Ed "Too Tall" Jones, for being too tall
7) Emmitt Smith, for ending his career with the Cardinals
6) Tony Romo, for defrauding the team by saying he was a quarterback
5) Jimmy Johnson, for using performance-enhancing hair products
4) Leon Lett, for sheer stupidity
3) Deion Sanders, for pimping
2) Himself, for being so criminally good-looking
1) Jerry Jones, for impersonating a GM

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, Texas Beefmaster
Value of card: A cowpie
Key 1990 stat: Zero beef mastered
Nolan Ryan's online dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TexasBeefmaster01
Age: 13 (in horse years)
Height: 6'10" (with my boots and hat on)
Weight: 170 (without my boots and hat on)
Hair color: Brindle
Hair style: Covered
Ethnicity: Texan
Religious views: Don't mess with Texas
Marital status: Married to the ranch. Also, to my wife.
Want children? I calved a couple young'uns earlier today
Best feature: Calluses
Smoke? Only what I can roll
Drink? Moonshine

Seeking: A right fine heifer
Location: In the barn, at the stockyard, on the range      it doesn't matter
Her body type: Meaty
Her ethnicity: Angus
Her hairstyle: Matted

About me: Hello there, ladies. They call me the Texas Beefmaster (sure they do), but it's not because of the livestock I keep on my ranch. You see, I'm partial to a girl with some steak on her bones, the kind of woman who knows her way around both a trough and a haystack. It's true that I'm married, but my relationship is as open as the range that I ride. So if you're interested in knocking hooves, drop me a line and we can get low.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Doug Gilmour, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Hockey Week No. 2)

Name: Doug Gilmour
Team: Toronto Maple Leafs
Positions: Center, forward (With the ladies, a forward center.)
Value of card: Three bags of dust
Key 1991-92 stat: 136 days playing dress-up
10 explanations for Gilmour being dressed like this, given that the Pinnacle Sidelines series highlights what players do in the offseason:
10) Gilmour appeared in the off-off-off Broadway play "Sticks and Chaps."
9) Gilmour enjoyed eating 3 Musketeers chocolate bars — a little too much.
8) Gilmour, when not playing in the NHL, played for the Novosibirsk Buckaroos of the Russian Federation Hockey League.
7) Gilmour needed an excuse to wear your sister's underpants around his neck.
6) Gilmour, even when not in season, was always looking for a hat trick.
5) Gilmour starred in a spaghetti western — a Chef Boyardee commercial.
4) Gilmour was the star of Toronto's 12th annual Zamboni Rodeo
3) Sambora envy.
2) Gilmour's mullet gained consciousness, took over its host's mind, and started making all the fashion decisions.
1) In Canada in 1992, you didn't need an explanation for dressing like this.

Doug Gilmour, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Hockey Week No. 2)

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Cowboy, ace
Value of card: A tumbleweed
Key 1989 stat: Waist of pants 1/2-inch below belly button
It's an Old West pop quiz: Um, what does Nolan know, exactly?

A) Why the caged bird sings
B) How to hitch his britches up higher than yours
C) What Robin Ventura's tears taste like
D) What you did last summer
E) Why they call it a 10-gallon hat
F) How to pull off a Canadian tuxedo
G) How to have a longer career than Bo

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers; Texas Equestrian League Gallopers
Positions: Ace; atop a four-legged animal
Value of card: Three hooves
Key 1990 stat: 121 prairies meandered through
It's time for a man-vs.-animal edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Massive, gleaming teeth too big for their mouth (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Wearing pageant accessories for a lame photo shoot (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Often sleeps in a hay-covered and feces-strewed stable (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Was said to be "Participating in a Cutting horse contest" but wasn't really doing so (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Ate oats for every meal (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Looking like an ass (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Penchant for crapping wherever he pleases (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan zero, horse zero, ties 7

Synopsis: In what fans would think would be an easy win for the horse, Ryan shows he's tough to beat when a night with a mare is on the line.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Name: Steve "The Bandit" Atwater
Team: Denver Bron-crones
Position: Defensive back
Fright value of card: Two finger guns, neither pointed at you
Key 1994 splat: More blue fringe than has ever been necessary
Closing another week of terror: Here we are, four days after Halloween, which means the kids have all gotten over their stomach aches and the costumes have all been pushed to the back of the closet, never to be worn again. Let's celebrate with one more horrific example of mid-1990s sports cards, shall we?

What segment of the population is most frightened by this card?

A) Children
B) Actual cowboys
C) Broncos fans
D) Steve Atwater's family
E) The editors of InStyle magazine

Steve Atwater, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 7)

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A rusted spur
Key 1993 stat: 10-gallon hat
Of course this is a baseball card: We've seen a lot of really weird stuff this week, but this card may take the cake. Calling this "art" may be a bit of a stretch, but here's our artistic interpretation of what's going on here. Juan Gone's gigantic blue hat likely represents his talent, further indicated by the big red "T" on it. The branding iron he's brandishing as a bat is symbolic of the fire and intensity with which he played the game. His mullet represents his belief that "business up front, party in the back" wasn't just a haircut, it was a way of life. The fleeing little chocolate horses and cowboys represent his hunger to dominate opponents, win a World Series and eat chocolate. His fringed cowboy batting gloves aren't really symbolic of anything      they're just stylish. And his shirt-ripping biceps? Hmm, what could they indicate?

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Name: Mel Blount
Teams: Steelers (retired), nerd cowboys (current)
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: That bow tie
Key 1991 stat: One really bad idea
Choose a different adventure: You are Mel Blount, Hall of Fame cornerback with the Pittsburgh Steelers. As the current director of player relations for the NFL, you have been invited to take part in a league-sanctioned set of sports cards intended to show what football players look like off the field. This is a chance for the league to show how normal its athletes and representatives are while they have fun and look cool (well, for the early '90s). The photographer for these "Pro Line Portraits" offers you three options for your photo shoot:

• To drag out the badass old Steelers uniform that you wore while making so many receivers bleed, click here.
• To dress like a normal damn person, click here.
• To wear a cowboy hat, a stupid red bow tie, pleated jeans and the largest, shiniest belt buckle you own so you can go stand in a field while holding a football and putting on the same thoughtful expression as your horse, click here. 

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Donruss Coca-Cola insert

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, puppy mill owner
Value of card: A two-pack of flea collars
Key 1991 stat: One arrest for animal abuse
Man's cutest friend: Don't let that smile fool you — Nolan Ryan is a very angry man in this photo. He'll be damned if some puppy is going to out-cute him. Incensed at the retriever's better grin, softer fur and superior fashion sense, the pitcher lashed out at the conclusion of this shoot. Ryan put the dog in a headlock, then picked him up and chucked him across the barnyard as hard as he could. The pup, however, had the last laugh, eating what was left of the pitcher's bean-and-frank lunch and then leaving a "Ryan Express" on the man's pillow.

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Donruss Coca-Cola insert

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Two angus burgers
Key 1991 stat: One disappearance
Ryan Express goes Pony Express: In the twilight of his career, Nolan Ryan often forewent off-season workouts, in the interest of both resting his aging body and pursuing other hobbies. But the Ryan Express took things to another level during the winter of 1991-92. When he didn't turn up for spring training in February, Rangers officials formed a search party and combed the greater western United States in search of the ace. Tips began to come in reporting a man who resembled the pitcher going by the name "Roland Nyan" and heading up a cattle drive from Montana to Texas. Reportedly, the cowboy would roll through small towns, chasing off crooked sheriffs by using 98-mph fastballs instead of guns. He was jailed once, but quickly escaped when the residents of Dodge City rioted and busted him out. He turned up in Laredo, Texas, in March, stinking of heifers, sweat-stained leather and rye, but ready to pitch. However, his final major league season was cut short by the worst case of saddle sores that doctors had ever seen.

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines