Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Name: Golden Richards
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's worth its weight in gold, divided by zero
Key 1977 stat: Punched anyone who called him by his given name, John
A real golden boy: Mr. Richards here preferred to go by his middle name, Golden. Here are a few other nicknames bestowed upon him by his teammates.

• The Towheaded Towel Boy
• Butterfingers
• Nancy
• The Blond Benchwarmer
• Goldenbangs

Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Saddle sores
Key 1994 stat: Never removed his helmet
Ten confusing things about this Troy Aikman card:

10) It's daytime on the left, but nighttime on the right, making him some sort of time lord.
9) He's wearing a saddle blanket as a toga.
8) Rather than burning his blanket-toga, the fire at his feet is turning into delicious weightless liquid cheese.
7) He's not eating the delicious floating cheese.
6) His throne has to be the least comfortable seat in the West.
5) Those little cowboy statues have giant footballs for hands.
4) It's unclear whether his helmet is translucent or just really well polished.
3) It looks like he's been using his sparkly rings to reflect sunlight and tan his face a deep, leathery brown.
2) His kingdom's flag appears to be in Packers colors.
1) It's unclear whether he brought enough peyote to share with the rest of us.

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Name: Nate Newton
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Santa Claus
Value of card: Half an ounce of myrrh
Key 1993 stat: Four bunches of mistletoe eaten
Merry Christmas from the Bust: We were totally going to get you a gift, but we must have lost your address. Instead, please share in the bounty that Nate Newton and these two cheerleaders received.

• The cheerleader on the left received: An empty box, three square feet of golden wrapping paper and a fancy bow.
• The cheerleader on the right received: A new pair of tights that don't quite match her skin tone, a gift certificate for a touch-up for her femullet and an unwanted advance from the Pinnacle photographer.
• Nate Newton received: Two ham sandwiches, a handle of Southern Comfort and a pound of plant matter that didn't come from those trees in the background.

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Michael Irvin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 29)

Name: Michael Irvin
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 11 pairs of used practice Spandex
Key 1990 stat: Zero milliseconds being humble
More than a staircase: Michael Irvin is one of the greatest wide receivers of the past 25 years, but he was known to have experienced drug addiction. He's now clean, and we would bet that's thanks to a 12-step program. We'd also bet it's no coincidence that Irvin was pictured on a set of steps in a card. So, because of the absurdity above, we here at The Bust devised Irvin's early 1990s 12-step program:

Step 1: Admitted he was powerless over posing for ridiculous football cards — that his life had become unmanageable.
Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than himself had restored him to fashion sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn his will and his life over to the care of forgoing wristbands as he understood it.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of his closets.
Step 5: Admitted to God, himself and another human being (Emmitt Smith) the exact nature of his Spandex wrongs.
Step 6: Was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of dressing himself.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove his short-shorts shortcomings.
Step 8: Made a list of all the people he had harmed, and became willing to provide his fake jewelry to them all.
Step 9: Made a direct amends to such people whenever possible, even if they had broke out into uncontrollable laughter upon seeing how he dressed.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when he was wrong, he promptly changed his clothes.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with the Barney's saleswoman, praying only for knowledge of her will and the power to carry it out.
Step 12: Having had a fashion awakening as a result of these steps, he tried to carry the message to other early 1990s style addicts, and to practice the principles in all his affairs.

Michael Irvin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 29)

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Whatever comes out of that horse in the background
Key 1992 stat: Not an actual sheriff
Top 10 current or former Dallas Cowboys that Troy Aikman would have had to arrest, were he actually a lawman:
10) Michael Irvin, for mistaking a chalk line for, well, you know
9) Nate Newton, for eating everyone's lunch while they were practicing
8) Ed "Too Tall" Jones, for being too tall
7) Emmitt Smith, for ending his career with the Cardinals
6) Tony Romo, for defrauding the team by saying he was a quarterback
5) Jimmy Johnson, for using performance-enhancing hair products
4) Leon Lett, for sheer stupidity
3) Deion Sanders, for pimping
2) Himself, for being so criminally good-looking
1) Jerry Jones, for impersonating a GM

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Michael Irvin, 1998 Ultra Sensational 60 (Football Friday No. 165)

Name: Michael Irvin
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 88 grams of a white, powdery substance (namely, ash)
Key 1998 stat: Liked to scare people with his veiny right arm
Catch this pop quiz: What does Michael Irvin like to do all night?

A) Rock 'n' roll
B) Listen to the University of Texas fight song, even though he went to Miami
C) Settle in with a good book and a glass of Syrah
D) Have a slumber party with BFFs Troy Aikman and Jimmy Johnson
E) You know, bro. You know.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Irvin, 1998 Ultra Sensational 60 (Football Friday No. 165)

Cliff Harris, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 156)

Name: Cliff Harris
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Safety
Value of card: No less than if it had been thrown off a cliff
Key 1975 stat: Male pattern baldness
Here's what Cliff Harris stands for:

Cowboys might want to bring this guy back, after this past season
Laugh all you want at his hair, he still got more ladies than you
I mean it though       go ahead and laugh at his hair
Forty-three: Harris' uniform number
Forty-four: Inches of Harris' forehead

Handlebars would have made that mustache even sweeter
Ability to defend passes surpassed only by ability to avoid barbershops
Retired early to avoid risks of NFL life       and went drilling for oil
Rogaine, dude. Rogaine.
Immaculate mane flowing in the breeze
Six Pro Bowls played in       all before the game was moved to Hawaii (*sad trombone noise*)

Cliff Harris, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 156)

Mel Renfro, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 142)

Name: Mel Renfro
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 25 cents off a prescription order of Propecia
Key 1974 stat: Blinded 12 receivers with the shine off his head
Top 10 nicknames for Mel Renfro and his hair(line):
10) Baldy Does Dallas
9) The 400-Head
8) The Pleasure Dome
7) The Helmet Under The Helmet
6) Baldilocks
5) Mr. Aerodynamic
4) No-Cover Corner
3) The Black Kojak
2) Mel Pattern Baldness
1) Mel Non-fro

Mel Renfro, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 142)

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Name: Emmitt Smith, aka "Lone Star Sheriff"
Team: Callous Cowboys
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Tetanus
Key 1994 splat: Wore sheet metal
Emmitt Smith's train of thought from 4:02 to 4:04 p.m., Feb. 23, 1994: "Well, looks like I'll be firing my agent. I mean, what the hell am I wearing right now? I'm holding a football that looks like a gigantic drill bit, they put makeup on me for no discernible reason, and my shoulder pads used to be part of a storage shed. Plus, they gave me a 10-gallon hat that spent most of its life as a 10-gallon pail. And since when is a sheriff a monster? Well, OK, Michael Irvin might think so, but I find that offensive! That's it, I'm protesting this shoot by making the saddest face I can."

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Alvin Harper, 1994 Topps Tools of the Game (Football Friday No. 138)

Name: Alvin Harper
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One piece of sandpaper, smoothed and burned
Key 1994 stat: Fifth-best Cowboy offensive threat
Saddle up for a pop quiz: Which tools did some of the early '90s Dallas Cowboys use best?

A) Mirrors
B) Razor blades
C) Rolled-up $100 bills
D) Scales
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Alvin Harper, 1994 Topps Tools of the Game (Football Friday No. 138)

Percy Howard, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 125)

Name: Percy Howard
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One really shiny penny
Key career stat: One catch
Making it count: Rookie Cowboys receiver Percy Howard didn't play football in college, but because he was such a tremendous athlete, Dallas took a chance on him anyway, making him their third receiver. Of course, the offense ran only two-receiver sets, so Howard never got the chance to play until a key injury late in Super Bowl X. As seen above, he caught a touchdown pass      the only reception of his college or pro career, as he was seriously injured the following preseason. You may think that's amazing, but here are some other one-time accomplishments Howard notched in his life.

• Saw only one movie, but it was "Citizen Kane" at the Roman Colosseum
• Went to Las Vegas only once, but won $7 million on the slots and got a free drink
• Drove just one car, but it was the Batmobile
• Had adult relations only one time, but it was with all of Charlie's Angels
• Made the Bust only once, but it was on the day you visited the site. And you're our most special visitor ever!

Percy Howard, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 125)

Troy Aikman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Week No. 1)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 20 sweaty reps
Key Super Bowl stat: Wished to play the Buffalo Bills every year 1,305 times
Welcome to Super Bowl Week: In honor of the nation's most overhyped athletic contest, the Bust is spending the week mocking some of the greatest Super Bowl champions. You're welcome, America.
You're doing it wrong: Poor Troy Aikman. He never learned how to properly exercise. Sure, it was hilarious to watch him hit the weight room; he'd do handstands on the StairMaster, attempt leg presses with his teeth and run around with dumbbells tied to his ankles. Look how sweaty he is in this photo. Beads of perspiration are dripping from his red cheeks, his bangs and the tail of his pseudo-mullet. His shorts appear to have absorbed 13 gallons of what we hope is sweat. He looks like he's about to have a coronary. If only there were some sort of directions on how to use the chest-press machine!

Troy Aikman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Week No. 1)

Emmitt Smith, 1993 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 23)

Name: Emmitt Smith
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Running back
Value of card: Not for sale
Key 1993 stat: $1.4 million spent on Emmitt Smith merchandise — by Emmitt Smith
Open for business: As a budding superstar in 1993, Emmitt Smith had a entrepreneurial notion to open a store selling only Emmitt merchandise. Smith bought everything he could that had his face or name on it. Football cards, action figures, newspaper articles — it was all for sale at Catch-22 in downtown Dallas. There was just one problem: Emmitt couldn't bear to part with any of his keepsakes. Every time a prospective customer chose an item, Emmitt would hesitate, blink rapidly and mutter, "Not for sale." When customers would point out that the item had a price tag, Emmitt would fly into a rage, point to a small sign reading "No cleats, no jersey, no service" and escort them from the shop. Losing money rapidly, Emmitt took drastic measures. He purchased crates of Bruce Smith memorabilia, scratched out the first name and replaced it with his own. Catch-22 shut down after three months.

Emmitt Smith, 1993 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 23)

Emmitt Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 17)

Name: Emmitt Smith
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Running back
Value of card: 22 catches
Key 1992 stat: No shoulder pads
Great moments in sports card photography: Yeah, this card is a catch-22, alright. Here we have Emmitt Smith, emerging superstar, posing for a special edition football card, one of the true highlights of any professional athlete's career. Yet something is not quite right. Maybe it's the lighting, which seems to be hitting the Dallas skyline from the left and Emmitt from the right — meaning either Emmitt is posing in front of a photo or he's in some kind of physics-challenged universe. (Well, it is Dallas.) The sun is shining off those skyscrapers, yet Emmitt's F necklace isn't glinting at all! The most noticeable thing about Emmitt in this photo may be the bulge in his chest-high pants. It's possible he stuffed a live raccoon down his trousers. Thankfully, in this bizarro world, Emmitt is managing to keep his helmet from flying away by standing on it. Just terrible work all around by Skybox. We at the Bust give this card an F (necklace) for effort.

Emmitt Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 17)