Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Big Boss Man, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 2)

Name: Big Boss Man
From: Cobb County, Ga.
Signature move: Boss Man Slam
Value of card: Being tasered in the face
Key 1990 stat: Probably did some bossing
Crimes that Big Boss Man was accused of during his pro wrestling career:

• Impersonating a police officer
• Impersonating an athlete
• Grand theft doughnut
• Assault with a deadly flat-top
• Thankfully, not indecent exposure

Big Boss Man, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 2)

Andrew Ference, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Andrew Ference
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: One thumb. Not a thumbs-up, just a thumb.
Key  2010-11 stat: One angry wife
Here's how Andrew Ference spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Andrew woke up around 8 a.m. and ate cereal out of the Stanley Cup. He then took the cup out to the garage so he could keep admiring it while getting his young daughter, Stella, ready to go for a bike ride. Just then, he received an email linking to a hilarious video of a cat playing a keyboard. While watching the video on his iPhone, Andrew absentmindedly buckled the cup, instead of his child, into the baby trailer, and then hit the road. Upon finding her daughter lying on the floor in the garage, Andrew's wife grew angry and called the authorities and a private investigator to track him down. Soon, Andrew was being pursued by several photographers in a taxi and a pudgy police officer, but instead of stopping, he just gave everyone a big thumbs-up. When he returned home, Andrew's wife gave him a different finger.

Andrew Ference, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Gregory Campbell
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: Six bags of dog doo-doo
Key 2010-11 stat: 13 times infested with fleas
Here's how Gregory Campbell spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Campbell woke up, chose his heaviest necklace, put on a shirt, took off his shirt, grabbed his shades and the Cup and headed to the dog park. Once there, he commandeered whatever dogs he saw and told their owners they could take photos of their pets with him and the Cup. After the police were called but before they showed up, a dog owner snapped this shot, which would later be used as evidence in the case of the shirtless creep barking up the wrong tree.

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Whatever comes out of that horse in the background
Key 1992 stat: Not an actual sheriff
Top 10 current or former Dallas Cowboys that Troy Aikman would have had to arrest, were he actually a lawman:
10) Michael Irvin, for mistaking a chalk line for, well, you know
9) Nate Newton, for eating everyone's lunch while they were practicing
8) Ed "Too Tall" Jones, for being too tall
7) Emmitt Smith, for ending his career with the Cardinals
6) Tony Romo, for defrauding the team by saying he was a quarterback
5) Jimmy Johnson, for using performance-enhancing hair products
4) Leon Lett, for sheer stupidity
3) Deion Sanders, for pimping
2) Himself, for being so criminally good-looking
1) Jerry Jones, for impersonating a GM

Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Randy Johnson, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 7)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One small unit of currency (namely, a penny)
Key 1991 stat: 2,813 items stolen
A Mariner's misdemeanor: All this week, Pinnacle has shown us what players like to do off the field. We've seen Robin Yount riding a dirt bike, John Burkett wearing pink and Jim Gott flying through the air in a Halloween costume. Now, you might think that today's card is illustrating Randy Johnson's love of photography. However, the Big Unit didn't care one bit about F-stops and zoom lenses      he just liked to steal. In the above photo, Johnson has persuaded the Pinnacle photographer to hand over one of his cameras and is telling the photog, "Thanks, sucker." Johnson then ran back to the dugout and stuffed the camera in his locker, right beside Jay Buhner's scented lotions and one of Edgar Martinez's wheels of gouda.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Randy Johnson, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 7)

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:

• Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
• Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
• Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
• Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
• "Spanky" Frankie Zupo

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Pat Falloon, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Pat Falloon
Team: San Jose Sharks
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One consolation prize for missing out on drafting Eric Lindros
Key 1992-93 stat: Yet to be called "Fat Balloon" (except by his mother)
Time for The Caption, which may have run in the San Jose Mercury News in 1992, as far as you know: "San Jose Sharks forward Pat Falloon goes for a joyride past several animal pens after hotwiring a road paver from a San Jose construction site Sunday. Falloon was quickly stopped and taken into custody on charges of grand theft auto and indecent exposure, thanks to the shorts he was wearing."

Pat Falloon, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Name: Brian Hunter
Teams: Detroit Tigers, Westside crips
Positions: Outfield, thief
Value of card: It's worth — wait, where did that money go?
Key 1998 stat: 74 stolen bases (Get it? Get it?)
Let's take a look at Brian Hunter, by the numbers:

• 74: Stolen bases in 1997
• $62: Cost per base
• $4,588: Total cost of stolen bases
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment that Hunter ignored
• 12: Collection agencies that failed to find Hunter behind that mask
• 22: Charges brought against Hunter in a court of law
• 21: Charges on which Hunter was convicted (fashion police charge thrown out)
• 74: Years Hunter was sentenced to prison
• 1: Conviction reversed upon appeal on the grounds that baseball card company Topps was responsible for a gut-wrenching pun that forced Hunter into a life of crime

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Firemen Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Smoke inhalation
Key 1997 stat: Pulled the fire alarm 27 times as a prank
Safety first, kids: The honchos at Topps probably thought this card was pretty funny, but we see several fire code (and good taste) violations in the photo. Therefore, we see no choice but to assess some fines.

• $50 for removing the only fire extinguisher in the building and using it as a prop.
• $150 for having Jeff Montgomery make inappropriate gestures with the extinguisher's hose and nozzle.
• $25 for Photoshoping flames on Montgomery's chest, defeating the purpose of him being a fireman or whatever.
• $65 for Montgomery not strapping down his hair helmet.
• $1,000 for subjecting us to a photo of Montgomery wearing a sleeveless, snap-down vest with no shirt underneath. Creepy.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Jeff Montgomery, 1998 Topps Opening Day

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Name: Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Your life flashing before your eyes
Key 1980 stat: Beard made of demon souls
Answer this question, if you dare: What is Al Hrabosky thinking about in this photo?

A) Murder
B) Slaying
C) Homicide
D) Killing
E) What are you still doing here? Run for your damn life, you fool!

Al Hrabosky, 1981 Donruss

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Name: Jamie McAndrew
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Tree sap on your windshield
Key 1992 stats: Drafted four years earlier; still hadn't played a big league game
It's time for The Caption, which probably ran in a Miami newspaper sometime in the early '90s: "Florida Marlins minor leaguer Jamie McAndrew does a bad job of hiding behind a tree in Buena Vista Park on Thursday after stealing a uniform from the big league club and fleeing the scene. McAndrew, who is 25 despite looking 45, was caught and arrested shortly after this photo was taken. The uniform was returned to the Marlins, who, like their fans, disavowed any knowledge of McAndrew's existence."

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Dwight "Doc" Gooden, 1991 Score The Franchise

Name: Dwight "Doc" Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One drinking straw
Key 1990 stat: Endless talent wasted
The charges against Dwight Gooden, as leveled by The Bust:

• One count of impersonating a mustache
• One count of impersonating a medical practitioner
• 500 counts of "writing prescriptions" for himself, using a mirror and rolled-up dollar bill
• 20 counts of fraud for luring us into buying all these baseball cards of his, thinking they'd be worth something
• Two counts of loitering with the wrong crowd (on the Mets and the Yankees)

Dwight "Doc" Gooden, 1991 Score The Franchise

Stojko Vrankovic, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 3)

Name: Stojko Vrankovic
Team: Boston Celtics
Position: Center
Value of card: Half a kuna
Key 1991-92 stat: Two 'pit stains
In the criminal justice system blah blah blah: After two seasons of atrocious play for the Boston Celtics, federal authorities became suspicious of center Stojko Vrankovic. He was brought up on espionage charges, accused of being a Croatian spy. After months of investigation and hundreds of missed free throws, the charges were dropped; however, his legal nightmare wasn't over. Celtics fans then filed a civil lawsuit, accusing Vrankovic of impersonating a professional basketball player. A Boston jury quickly found him liable, forcing him to hand over his paltry salary and banning him from the NBA. He resurfaced a few years later, playing for the Timberwolves and Clippers under the name Vrojko Stankovic. Nobody noticed, however, since those aren't actually NBA teams.

Stojko Vrankovic, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 3)

Fred McGriff, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Fred McGriff
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: First base, crime stopper
Value of card: Three paint chips, the poison kind
Key 1988 stat: 14-inch neck
Time for a god-awful Diamond Kings pop quiz:

Why was Fred McGriff given the nickname "The Crime Dog"?

(A) Because the Tom Emanski commercial on ESPN for two decades is so bad it's criminal.
(B) He was mistaken for his TV star brother.
(C) He once ate manager Cito Gaston's garbage when left alone in his office.
(D) Imagine floppy ears on the card above and get rid of the mustache and he'd look like a basset hound.
(E) All of the above.

Fred McGriff, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Jeff Leonard, 1985 Topps

Name: Jeffrey Leonard
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Less than one star
Key 1984 stat: Refused to wear team-issued clothing
When flash photography goes wrong: We were going to make our typical brand of jokes about Jeff Leonard, his nondescript clothing, his backward hat, and (as usual) his mustache, but we've been partially blinded by the light reflecting off his forehead. Just because this is an all-star card, doesn't mean it needs to have a light source comparable to sun, Topps!

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp

Jeff Leonard, 1985 Topps

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Name: Barry Bonds
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used syringe
Key 1990 stat: Normal-size testes
We've got questions, you've got answers:

What crime was Barry Bonds accused of before this mug shot was taken?

A) Facial hair fraud — that thing is drawn on, and poorly at that
B) Reckless smirking
C) Grand theft crappy personalized necklace
D) It's (cream and) clear, isn't it?
E) All of the above

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Joe Carter, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Joe Carter
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1989 stat: 162 theft charges
Playing dirty: The 1987 Cleveland Indians were terrible. At 61-101, they only added to the stink in Cleveland. The team would have caused its fans to drown themselves in the Cuyahoga River — if it hadn't already been on fire. Interim manager Doc Edwards realized he had to do something to even the playing field. Steroids didn't work. Spitballs didn't either. Edwards was forced to resort to stealing — stealing bases, stealing signs, even stealing the opposition's equipment. Above we see big, bruising Joe Carter making off with a handful of bats from the Minnesota Twins' dugout. By gametime, Cleveland's opponent often was forced to make an emergency run to Big 5 Sporting Goods just to have enough cleats and jocks to take the field. It made no difference; the Indians were still terrible, and Edwards was sentenced to community service at season's end. And a remorseful Carter spent the rest of his career treating other players like they were his own children.

Bonus: You gotta love the shorts-and-fanny-pack combo on the guy climbing the stairs in the background.

Joe Carter, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Joe DeSa, 1986 Topps

Name: Joe "El Tigre" DeSa

Teams: Chicago White Sox, Sinaloa Cartel

Positions: First base, drug kingpin

Value of card: 1 kilo

Key 1985 stat: 347 gangland killings ordered

The boss of bosses: In the early 1980s, Jose "El Tigre" DeSa ruled much of Mexico with an iron fist ... an iron fist of blood. He was responsible for nearly a third of all the cocaine that flooded across the U.S. border and ordered hundreds of killings with his trademark "sign of death," a stroke of his mustache. He was worth millions and had more power than the president, but the law was fast approaching. El Tigre, who earned the nickname because his mustache and eyebrows looked like tiger stripes, knew he needed to transform his life or he would rot in jail for decades. After a midmorning meal, El Tigre saw his children playing catch in a field on his ranch. At that moment he knew: His new life would be baseball.

A regular Joe: Jose "El Tigre" DeSa's first order of business was drastically changing his name to something unrecognizable. He became Joe "El Tigre" DeSa, a first baseman with a monobrow as wicked as his taste for blood. He had trouble finding a team until he sliced out the kidney of the White Sox's director of scouting. From there, drug runs turned into home runs, kilos became singles, triple-murders turned into triples and, yes, hits became hits.

Joe DeSa, 1986 Topps

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Suspect
Team: America's most wanted
Position: No. 7
Value of card: One piece of evidence
Key 1991 stat: One all-points bulletin
Missing: Shayna Kleffman, age 4, was last seen attending a Philadelphia Phillies game on Aug. 22, 1991. She has blond hair, blue eyes and was wearing a pink T-shirt and white skirt at the time of her disappearance. Witnesses say they saw Shayna approaching a man on top of the Phillies' dugout shortly before she was reported missing. The suspect is described as a furry, green manbeast with a large horn in place of a nose or mouth. He was last seen wearing a size 7XL replica Phillies jersey, a red ballcap turned sideways and orange baseball stirrups the size of duffel bags. The suspect has big, beady eyes and may be mentally deranged, police say. He is described as large, violent and extremely stinky. If you have any information on this case, call our tip line at 888-BBC-BUST.

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play