Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blue lines, 2 red lines, and 1 teal line
Key 1987 stat: One super alter ego
Is Andre Dawson having a medical emergency? There's no discernible grimacing or lack of muscle control, so that's a good sign. His face isn't melting off, which has happened to more than one Diamond King victim. But that is one giant noggin. Could it be some sort of swelling? More likely, Diamond King Dawson suffers from gigantism. You know, the natural kind, not the Barry Bonds kind.

Andre Dawson, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, slouching
Value of card: A piece of an ear
Key 1981 stat: One intentional walk
More fun facts about baseball's Mike Tyson and "Iron" Mike Tyson: 

• Iron Mike was the star of "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out." You didn't need to be a star to punch out baseball Mike at the plate.
• Iron Mike's bicep measured 16 inches. Baseball Mike's boiler was more than triple that.
• In his free time, Iron Mike likes to care for pigeons. Baseball Mike's only friend growing up was a yellow parakeet named Butter.
• Iron Mike has a tattoo on his face. Baseball Mike appears to have a marmoset on his face in the above photo.
• Iron Mike once said he wanted to eat an opponent's children. Baseball Mike once ate four boxes of Sour Patch Kids in one sitting.
• Iron Mike starred in a short-lived reality series on Animal Planet called "Taking on Tyson." Baseball Mike watched a couple of episodes on his couch.

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Name: Chuck Mount
Team: Iowa Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mount it on the wall, still worthless
Key 1990 stat: 11 mountains summited
Cubs' scouting report on minor league prospect Chuck Mount: "Forget his pitching; I just want to hang out with this guy. ... What are the chances he uses his name as part of a pickup line with the ladies? ... Big-league butt chin. Definitely. ... Iowa Cubs. Chicago Cubs. What's the difference? Just bring him up. ... Just to ensure it's clear why we like him: His first name is a synonym for hamburger and his last name is something I try to do to my wife three times a year."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Chuck Mount, 1991 Impel Line-Drive Pre-Rookies

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Names: Dizzy Trout, Steve Trout
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Ask your father
Key 1984 stat: 14 loving embraces between father and son
It's time for a family-friendly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: 1950s math teacher glasses (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 2: Feathered coif that could feel at home atop the head of a 1980s all-woman pop-rock group (Winner: Steve)
Round 3: Ears that are threatening to take flight (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 4: Symmetrical eyes that don't beg for the nickname "Dizzy" (Winner: Steve)
Round 5: Honor of being immortalized in a work-of-art illustration (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 6: Possibly, maybe, seemingly racist logo on the card (Winner: Dizzy)
Round 7: Fishy last name (Winner: Tie)

Score: Dizzy 4, Steve 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle between a couple of Trouts, the big fish comes out on top thanks in part to some little weird red dude swinging big lumber with a bigger chin.

Dizzy Trout and Steve Trout, 1985 Topps Father-Son

Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Monday
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield-first base
Value of card: 1,908 cents (wink, wink)
Key 1976 stat: 52 Mondays feeling special
Here's how Rick Monday spent his week:

• Monday: Posing for a baseball card.
• Tuesday: Still smiling, for the 24th straight hour.
• Wednesday: Asking a third-grader for advice on how to improve his penmanship.
• Thursday: Combing his mullet.
• Friday: Still smiling, for the 96th straight hour.
• Saturday: Going back, year by year, in search of a Cubs World Series title.
• Sunday: Counting the minutes to Monday.

Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Vance Law
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Nothing; it's the Law
Key 1989 stat: 232 hours spent shagging
Top 10 things Vance Law was thinking at this moment:
10) "But I don't even know how to juggle."
9) "One, two, three ... uh, start over. One, two ... uh. One, two ..."
8) "I am Edward Ballhands."
7) "I should have grabbed a bat before I walked to the plate."
6) "This is the most impressive thing a Cubs player has done in three years."
5) "Don't mock me. I am the Law!"
4) "Careful, careful. We don't want these to hatch."
3) "I have four balls. Does that mean I get a walk?"
2) "What ... the ... hell ... are ... these ... things?"
1) "I have balls in my hands. Huh-huh."

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Tim Stoddard, 1985 Topps

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Depressingly little
Key 1984 stat: Way too excited about playing for the Cubs
What's your favorite color, Tim? The year was 1984, and Tim Stoddard was a man on the move. After helping the Orioles win cheering from the bullpen as the Orioles won the 1983 World Series, Stoddard was twice traded      first to the A's and then to the Chicago Cubs. Rather than being upset about his career upheaval, Stoddard got excited      maybe a little too excited. To show his enthusiasm about being a Cub, Stoddard decided everything about him needed to be blue. He dyed his beard blue, as seen above. He repeatedly tried to wear jeans on the pitching mound. He painted his fingernails. Cubs manager Jim Frey put up with Stoddard's antics      that is, until Frey walked in on Stoddard pulling a Jason Biggs prequel with a warm blueberry pie in the locker room (purely for cosmetic purposes, of course). Stoddard joined the San Diego Padres in 1985.

Tim Stoddard, 1985 Topps

Dick Tidrow, 1981 Fleer

Name: Dick Tidrow
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 8 pounds of bear cub dung
Key 1980 stat: Nine innings spent standing in the wrong dugout next to some old guy
It's time for a Windy City pop quiz:

What did teammates call Tidrow's mustache?

(A) The Brown Banana
(B) Hercules' Handlebars
(C) The Thing the Cub Did in the Woods
(D) The Hairy Horseshoe
(E) All of the above

Dick Tidrow, 1981 Fleer

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Names: Duane Kuiper, Mike Krukow
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, pitcher
Value of cards: As many cents as Kuiper's career home run total (combined)
Key 1980 stat: 14 times dreaming of sitting next to each other doing play-by-play (combined)
It's time for a San Francisco edition of The Matchup, which features current Giants TV broadcast partners Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow:

Round 1: Carefree attitude seen in unkempt hairstyle (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Choice of cummerbund instead of baseball belt (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of buttons on Little League-quality jersey (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sensational staring technique (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Animal magnetism — mad animal magnetism (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Admiration for sleeves cut off with kindergarten safety scissors (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Career home runs (Winner: Krukow)

Score: Krukow 1, Kuiper 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have a Matchup that features two professionals who are so linked, you know it's going to be close. Indeed, this edition's margin of victory was razor-thin, but when the dust had settled, Krukow told Kuiper, "Grab some pine, meat."

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Ryan Hawblitzel, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Name: Ryan Hawblitzel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Zero (fashion) cents
Key 1991 stat: 221 hours practicing the "thumbs in the jeans pockets" look
Today's fashion model: Here we have Ryan Hawblitzel, an ace when it came to style (and style alone). No one in the big leagues sported minor-league outfits with such pride and pizazz. A collared sweatshirt tucked into jeans? Why not? A player known for his exploits on the diamond wearing a shirt of intersecting diamonds? Of course. A guy who looks like an actor standing in front of a housing development pond and acting like he's the coolest guy in high school? You bet. Don't question fashion maven Ryan Hawblitzel, a minor-leaguer with big-league style.

Ryan Hawblitzel, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Mark Grace
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: First base
Value of card: Each diagonal line represents 1 cent the card is worth
Key 1988 stat: 108-year championship drought
It's time for a pop quiz with a bit of a curse:

What name could "grace" this card and better reflect the illustration?

(A) Mark Ineptitude
(B) Bark Face
(C) Please Erase
(D) Marks Replace
(E) Grace Jones
(F) Mark Disgrace
(G) All of the above

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two (refried) beans, one ball (stitches ripped out; peed on by a dog)
Key 1986 stat: Hit by pitch six times
It hurts to be The Hawk: Oh, man. It's tough being Andre Dawson. You had to start your career in French-speaking Montreal and you tore up your knees during your prime on artificial turf that was more like concrete than grass. Then you went to the Chicago Cubs, who fielded laughable teams and continued the Curse of the Billy Goat when you should have been a star on the national scene. Somehow, you played through the pain in your knees and the pain of being a Cubbie and won an MVP award in 1987. Yet, despite all that — and somehow looking like a pro athlete in those Little League Cubs uniforms — your 1987 Classic card features a photo taken at the moment you're getting plugged in the face with a fastball. Ouch. Maybe it's just us, but a Hall of Famer deserves a little more respect. On the other hand, those are pretty weak break-dancing moves.

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Name: Tom Filer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One file folder, ripped in half
Key 1982 stat: Made his last major league appearance for three years
Here's what Tom Filer stands for:

Traded to the Blue Jays for a steak dinner and a cab ride
Overtly afraid of exposing his forearms
Mouth full of chew, among other substances

Filer wasn't just his name      it was the job he was best at ...
It certainly wasn't baseball
Little advice, Tom: You might want to close your mouth during the photo shoot
Enormous head, but not an enormous arm
Reality for Filer: Blue eyes, blue uniform, blue Cubs fans

Tom Filer, 1983 Topps

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Name: Doug Bird
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A feather in your mouth
Key 1981 stat: Twice tried to eat the ivy at Wrigley
Here's what Doug Bird stands for:

Dude's been working on his tan more than he has his curveball
Oiled up his biceps before this shot
Uncle Doug bought all the kids mesh jerseys for Christmas
Gap-toothed? Or is that just some leftover chew on that incisor?

Bird is a fitting last name for this guy, given his wings
It's not wrong to want to grab hold of those handlebars
Ratio of forehead to rest of face appears to be 1:1
Doubtful that Bird was the often word, except in the loss column

Doug Bird, 1982 Donruss

Paul Reuschel and Rick Reuschel, 1977 Topps Big League Brothers

Names: Rick Reuschel, Paul Reuschel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers, swapped on card (Rick is on the left)
Value of card: 10 ounces of bear cub dung
Key 1976 stat: 24 girly slap fights with each other in the locker room
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Height (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Weight (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Four-letter first name (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Standard 1970s and 1980s mustache (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitcher as position (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Skin's pinkish hue (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Cummerbund as part of uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Awkward stare (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Sweet batting helmet with no ear flaps (Winner: Rick Reuschel)
Round 10: 1960s math teacher glasses (Winner: Paul Reuschel)
Round 11: Nickname (Winner: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel)

Score: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel 2, Paul Reuschel 1, Ties 8

Synopsis: These brothers had a lot in common, but after ridiculous headgear was canceled out by ridiculous eyewear, it took a "Big Daddy" to win the day.

Paul Reuschel and Rick Reuschel, 1977 Topps Big League Brothers

Dwight Smith, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 3)

Name: Dwight Smith
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A piece of Wrigley gum, chewed and stuck under a seat
Key 1991 stat: Hit more notes than baseballs
Cut his mike: Some of you may recall that Chicago Cubs outfielder Dwight Smith in 1989 became the first MLB rookie to sing the national anthem before a game. Smith went on to sing the anthem several more times, becoming more and more confident each time he held the mike. What you may not remember is that prior to one 1991 contest, Smith belted out the "Star-Spangled Banner" and followed it up with renditions of "Sex Machine" and Bell Biv Devoe's "Do Me" before launching into a raunchy stand-up routine stolen verbatim from Andrew "Dice" Clay. Fans were disgusted and Smith's manager was furious, but Harry Caray loved every minute of the performance, calling it "the best thing I've seen since those two weirdos with the lions at the casino."

Dwight Smith, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 3)

Ryne Sandberg, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 6)

Name: Ryne Sandberg
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Second base
Value of card: Getting mauled by a rhino
Key 1991 stat: At least three shirts worn at all times
Well, hello: There it is. Where? Just above the Bust cup, as though you couldn't see it. It's clearly the focal point of the card, and it's staring right at you. Does it fluster you? Good. You look at it and know it has a checkered past. You feel its presence and know that it's seen more action than you ever will. Even Ryne Sandberg himself is afraid to acknowledge its presence. You can't help but be in awe of its girth and mutter a four-letter word. "Cubs." Wait, what? We were talking about the Cubs logo. What were you looking at?

Ryne Sandberg, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 6)

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jay Johnstone
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A slug of beer A beer-soaked slug
Key career stat: Played for 20 years; played more than 100 games in nine of them
Clearing up some rumors about Jay Johnstone's, um, hat:

• Jay Johnstone's hat is not made from the labels of all the beers he drank last night. It's made from the labels of all the beers he drank in the dugout during the game.
• Jay Johstone's hat is not meant to protect him from rainfall. It's meant to protect him from all the things thrown at him by disgruntled Cubs fans.
• Jay Johnstone's hat is not meant to advertise the King of Beers. I mean, they sell these cards to kids, and alcohol is never marketed to kids, right?
• Jay Johnstone's hat does not say "Budweiser" on it. It says "Cubweiser," a brew that was best enjoyed in 1908 and hasn't been anywhere near as good since.

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Ron Coomer, 2001 Topps

Name: Ron "Coom Dawg" Coomer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Fleas
Key 2000 stat: 48 chew toys destroyed
Fun facts about the bluetick coonhound and this blue-clad Coom Dawg:

• The bluetick coonhound is known for its keen sense of smell. The Coom Dawg was known for smelling like fried cheese.
• The bluetick coonhound is muscular and speedy. The Coom Dawg was the exact opposite of that.
• The bluetick coonhound's paws are larger than those of almost all other dog breeds. The Coom Dawg's gut was larger than that of almost all other professional athletes.
• The bluetick coonhound needs lots of exercise to stay happy. The Coom Dawg's favorite "exercise" was shotgunning a beer.
• The bluetick coonhound is excellent around families and children. The Coom Dawg frightened families and children.
• The bluetick coonhound is known to greet strangers by howling at them and then sniffing them incessantly. So is the Coom Dawg.

Ron Coomer, 2001 Topps