Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Name: Todd Christensen
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Tight end
Value of card: It's value is the equivalent of picking up one yard on fourth down and 10
Key 1988 stat: 217 meaningful stares
It's a north-of-the-neck Matchup, featuring Todd Christensen's mustache and hairdo:

Round 1: Plushness (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Curliness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 3: Greasiness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 4: More food stuck in it (Winner: Hairdo, actually)
Round 5: Respectability (Winner: Mustache)
Round 6: Makes the ladies swoon (Winner: Neither)
Round 7: More befitting the Raider Way (Winner: Mustache)
Round 8: Helps prevent concussions (Winner: Hairdo)

Final score: Hairdo 4, Mustache 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Christensen's mustache stood tall, but not nearly as tall as his curly pseudo-fro, which we're sure Todd in no way regrets at all.

Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 used hair curlers
Key 1981 stat: 185 hours spent in the salon
It's time for a hair-raising pop quiz:

What was the name for John Henry Johnson's hairdo?

(A) The Short-and-Curlies
(B) Curly Sue 'Do
(C) The Moe, Larry and John Henry
(D) Firm Perm That Will Make You Squirm
(E) All of the above

John Henry Johnson, 1982 Topps

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ted Power
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One blown 40-amp fuse
Key 1990 stat: 160 electrical cables taped to walls
Here's what Ted Power stands for:

That mustache is pretty powerful, all right
Electrician      not his nickname, his future career
Despite surname, arm wasn't all that strong

Pittsburgh's most eligible bachelor
Once starred in his own choose-your-own-adventure book
Wears that curly mullet like no one's business
Eyes firmly planted on that tiny ball headed right for him
Really taking his time signing that autograph      you wanna hurry it up, buddy?

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Mike Griffin, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Griffin
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: So little, those creases don't decrease the value
Key 1980 stat: Hold on, we're still looking ... looking ... looking ...
This card is so bad, it's time for a rant: Excellent work, Fleer. Once again, you fine folks have outdone yourselves. What a photo choice. So much action. Mike Griffin just jumps off the cardboard and into our living rooms. Few things in sports are more exciting than a pitcher hanging out in the dugout watching a game. Riveting stuff. And don't worry about getting a shot of this guy in his real uniform. Collectors everywhere prefer shots of guys that make them look like they're on a beer league softball team. We must give you kudos, however, for choosing to keep the random flannel guy in the crop. Totally necessary. Well, at least this card has one redeeming quality: Griffin looks a lot like Larry Bird.

Mike Griffin, 1981 Fleer

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Name: Dave Huppert
Team: Stockton Ports
Position: Manager
Value of card: One baby-smooth shave
Key 1987 stat: Spent a week in Stockton one night
Top 10 things that can be seen up Dave Huppert's nose in this photo:

10) Dave Huppert's brain
9) Another one of those giant electrical towers
8) The charm of Stockton, Calif.
7) A baseball card featuring Dave Huppert
6) The origin of the universe
5) A second, slightly smaller curled mullet
4) The ball from his one major league hit
3) Snails
2) The entirety of his nostrils
1) A booger the size of his neck

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Dave Huppert, 1988 California Leauge All-Stars

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

Name: Rob Picciolo
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: It's worth more crumpled up and used for kindling
Key 1978 stat: 440 hours practicing on the piccolo
So, just what does Rob Picciolo stand for:

Rain, his biggest fear
Overhead, a storm is coming; inside him, a storm already rages
Blue-and-violet sky sends shivers up his spine

Perhaps he was struck by lightning; perhaps, it was bird poop
Intimidating skies above frighten him
Clouds, onerous clouds, have been known to make him weep
Curls of his hair even seem to run from the approaching weather
Inside his soul, a young boy — with a mustache — is frightened by the thunder
Others mock him about his fear; others, such as his mother and father
Lightning, thunder, rain, sleet, snow, hail. His nightmares are only of these things
Oh, lord, Rob. Run! It's starting to drizzle!

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Name: Jim "Ripley" McMahon
Team: Chicago Bears, Nostromo
Position: Quarterback; warrant officer, lieutenant
Value of card: Two green, glowing eggs
Key 1984 stat: 12 times sacked — by a face-hugger
All hail a sci-fi hero for women: She broke through barriers and blasted otherworldly creatures. She befriended cyborgs and helped mother a Newt. She was Ellen Ripley, the protagonist of the "Alien" franchise, and she is pictured above. Ripley was known for her grit as much as her muscles, and her brunette curls became iconic on their own until they were shaved off in "Alien 3." She was a fighter, a leader, a role model for girls everywhere. Her power and tenacity changed how people thought about women. So much so, it wouldn't be alien to see her on a football field.

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Name: LaMarr Hoyt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One fancy-pants autograph
Key 1981 stat: 14,296 holes in his mesh jersey
LaMarr Hoyt's train of thought, 1:10 to 1:12 p.m., March 7, 1982: "My God, what is that smell? Is that the photographer? I wish he'd hurry up. Wearing all these sets of lapels is hot work, even in March. I sure do look good, though. Who cares if the colors don't match      collars are so in this year. But that stench is driving me crazy! Maybe it's just Florida. Or maybe Morrison's just smoking one of his 'supplements.' Guh, I think I'm gonna barf." (Leans over and dry-heaves, hair falls across his face) "No, that's worse! Wait, is it ... it that smell coming from my hair? Oh, gross! No wonder they've been calling me 'LaMarroma'! OK, that's it, I don't care if it has only been two months, I'm showering tomorrow."

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rotting apple cores
Key 1990 stat: 10 fruits thrown during games
10 instances of Frank Viola throwing fruit, and the outcome of each:
10) He threw a grapefruit, and the players at spring training in Florida thought it was appropriate.
9) He threw a banana, and the phallic jokes ensued.
8) He threw a blueberry, and it was his only strikeout of the day.
7) He threw a nectarine, and then pointed to his turtleneck.
6) He threw a kumquat, and everyone started giggling.
5) He threw a lemon, and Chet Lemon charged the mound.
4) He threw a tomato, and then realized Mets fans were also throwing tomatoes, at him.
3) He threw a tangerine with that hairdo, and someone yelled, "Hey, fruit!"
2) He threw a watermelon, and some slugger named Gallagher hit a home run with a sledgehammer.
1) He threw a big apple, and 42,712 New Yorkers booed the obvious pun.

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami — you guessed it — Dolphins
Position: Quarterback, marine mammal
Value of card: 11 fish sticks (3 years old and freezer burned)
Key 1991 stat: 22 Isotoner commercials
Fun facts about dolphins, the beloved sea creature, and Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino:

• Dolphins are marine mammals related to whales and porpoises. Dolphin Dan Marino was a land mammal who never had relations with a "whale" on purpose.
• Dolphins are often regarded as one of Earth's most intelligent animals. Dolphin Dan Marino was rarely regarded as one of the NFL's most intelligent players.
• Dolphins communicate using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations. Dolphin Dan Marino communicated using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations.
• Dolphin copulation usually begins belly to belly, and many species engage in lengthy foreplay. Dolphin Dan Marino's copulation usually begins with Winner's Cup Vodka, and he sneers at the second part of this sentence.
• Dolphins have long been a favorite of popular culture, appearing in TV series such "Flipper" and  "SeaQuest DSV." Dolphin Dan Marino has long been a laughingstock of popular culture, appearing in movies such as "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." 

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Dave Schmidt, 1985 Topps

Name: Dave "Screech" Schmidt
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two plastic sheriff's badges
Key 1984 stat: 22,876 hours of "Walker, Texas Ranger" watched
Meet the Bayside Rangers starting pitcher: When Dave "Screech" Schmidt wakes up in the morning and the clock gives out a warning, he never thinks he's going to make it to the field on time. By the time he grabs his bats and he gives himself a look, he's at the corner just in time to see the team bus fly by. If the manager pops a test, Schmidt knows he's in a mess, and the dog ate all his chewing tobacco last night. Right alone in his chair, the manager won't know that Schmidt's there, if he can have a decent outing tomorrow he'll be all right. It's all right 'cause he's saved by the bell. It's all right ... it's all right ... it's all right, 'cause he's saved by the bell.

Dave Schmidt, 1985 Topps

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Name: Lenn Sakata
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 ounces of crumbled cicada shells
Key 1980 stat: 29 instances where Sakata's similarity to the Orioles mascot was pointed out by fans
Fun facts about the cicada, a winged insect, and Lenn Sakata, an Orioles infielder:

• The cicada is recognizable by its transparent, well-veined wings. Sakata is recognizable by his curly, well-groomed wings.
• The cicada is related to leafhoppers and spittlebugs. Sakata is related to people who get hopped up and spittle all over themselves.
• The cicada has prominent eyes set wide apart on its head. Sakata has prominent glasses that make his eyes appear to be set wide apart on his head.
• The cicada comes out of its shell after a number of years. Sakata comes out of his shell after a number of brewskis.
• The cicada produces its distinctive song through noisemakers called "tymbals" on its abdominal base. Sakata also produces a distinctive noise from what could be called his "abdominal base."

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Name: Lyle Alzado
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 82 piles of bronco leavings
Key 1971 stat: Always a little gassy
Hope you're hungry, because it's recipe time: Here's how to make a delicious meal of fettucine Alzado.

200 pounds of Adam Richman, the guy from "Man Vs. Food"
100 pounds of Chunk from "The Goonies"
1 pound of cold, wet noodles
82 cups of heavy cream
82 cups of grated Parmesan cheese
82 syringes of anabolic steroids

Mix all the ingredients together on a well-worn high school football field, then serve it to a bunch of sweaty offensive linemen. Note that they will likely suffer gastrointestinal issues, because no lineman can fully contain fettucine Alzado.

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

John Valentin, 1995 Topps Embossed (Valentine's Day Special)

Name: John Valentin
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One embossing tool, snapped in half
Key 1994 stat: Alone on Feb. 14 (and most other days)
In honor of Valentine's Day, here's a romantic pop quiz: What's John Valentin doing in the above photo?

A) Sanding his handle
B) Scrubbing his shaft
C) Buffing his bat
D) Caressing his cudgel
E) Wearing out his wood
F) Celebrating Valentine's Day the only way he knows how

John Valentin, 1995 Topps Embossed (Valentine's Day Special)

Glenn Hubbard, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Second base
Value of card: A shard of porcelain
Key 1987 stat: Silky smooth skin
It's eyes, they follow you everywhere: Everyone is familiar with bobbleheads, the humorous little figurines given away at baseball games each year. But in 1988, the Braves decided to try something different. Inspired by second baseman Glenn Hubbard's cherubic cheeks and miniature arms, the Atlanta marketing team ordered 10,000 porcelain baby dolls fashioned to look like the athlete. The giveaways were a flop, though, as most fans were creeped out by the dolls' staring eyes and wispy mustaches. Things got worse when it was discovered that the curly hair on the figures was a fire hazard      two dozen Atlanta-area families lost their homes to the toys. One of the dolls even came to life and killed seven people. The figures were eventually recalled, but not before a bewildered amateur artist named Perez drew a series of skin-crawling portraits of the keepsakes. One of these paintings found its way into the 1988 Donruss baseball card set, giving children everywhere (and now you, too) nightmares for weeks. Sleep tight!

Glenn Hubbard, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Name: Bill Bradley
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Safety
Value of card: $14.95 coupon for shower drain unclogging
Key 1973 stat: 26 disco infernos
Introducing ... The Soaring Mushroom®: Few men are authors, style mavens and all-pro football players, but Bill Bradley was such a man. Bradley was not the author of books, but of vicious hits and a signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The GreatScott®,  The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, three all-time classics. But Bradley broke the mold by growing a hairdo that looked like it was formed in a mold, and his contribution to the world of high hair fashion lives on till this day. The Soaring Mushroom®'s utility lies in its curls; they cradle the head and act as protection from injury. Bradley understood this better than anyone, having never worn a helmet during his football career. Besides its functional benefits, the Soaring Mushroom® is glamorous. It whisks its wearer away to a fantasyland of slight breezes, shirtless gladiators and contemptuous fungi. It elicits long-hidden emotions that encourage a man to grow a bushy mustache to more resemble a schnauzer. It helps Eagles — especially safetys — soar. And it doesn't at all make a 1970s tough guy look like a 1990s unfunny comedian.

Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Name: Alvin Kraenzlein
Event: Athletics Track and field
Medal count: 4 gold
Value of card: A spoonful of paste
Key 1900 stat: 41 splinters from hurdles
Closing ceremony: After today, all the medals will have been handed out, all the anthems will have been played, and one thing will remain clear: Michael Phelps sure is one sexy stoner. But some things about the above photo are not so clear. For instance:

• Why does Alvin Kraenzlein have a woman's haircut?
• Why is he running the hurdles in the middle of the Rocky Mountains?
• Is he wearing shorts, pants, or some sort of skin-tight unitard?
• Why is he wearing leather slippers at a track meet?
• Is he the only competitor? Where are the other hurdles?
• How did they have Photoshop in 1900?

Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Frank Viola, 1990 Bowman

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 0.2 ounces of teammates' cocaine
Key 1989 stat: One pair of stirrups worn all season
10 things Frank Viola could be saying the moment this photo was taken:
10) Burrrp!
9) Hiccup. Burp. Hiccup.
8) Belllllch!
7) Mmmmmuuuhhhhogggg!
6) Gghttwuuugghh!
5) Brrrontosaurrrus!
4) Gah! Both ends!
3) Belch! Burp! Belch!
2) Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrelllleccccchhhhpppppp!
1) Well, pardon me. I should not have partaken in those delicious Mr. Pibbs while my teammates dabbled in prescription painkillers and powder drugs. Oh, my, I am so embarrassed. Please, forgive me, my good sirs, for this objectionable bodily function.

Frank Viola, 1990 Bowman

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of hard "Candi" (barf sounds)
Key 1988 stat: 4,390 children frightened
10 nicknames coined for Tom Candiotti after this card's release:
10) Tommy Eyebrows
9) The (Sour) Candi Man
8) King of Piss-Poor Lighting
7) The Mediocre Mizuno Menace
6) Ol' Greasy Afro
5) The Sinister Indian
4) Cleveland's Creep
3) "That Scary Guy Down the Block"
2) A Human Replica of the Racist Cleveland Indians' Mascot
1) The Shadow

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Tom Candiotti, 1989 Fleer