Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A DVD copy of Season 5 of "Miami Vice" (two discs missing)
Key 1992 stat: One loitering ticket
Welcome to Preposterous Poster Week: With the NFL season just days away, we've decided to take a closer look at some of the finest football cards we've ever seen. In the early 1990s, Skybox decided it wasn't enough to make atrocious sports cards, so it helped create a series of atrocious sports posters. As if that wasn't bad enough, Skybox then turned said posters into — you guessed it — football cards. Now we're bringing you seven of the most embarrassing images to ever decorate a 14-year-old boy's bedroom (family photos excluded). Apologies in advance.

Ways in which Dan Marino is either armed or dangerous in the above photo:

• It's dangerous to leave a football helmet on the back of a Corvette. If he forgets it's there, it could fall off and get scratched.
• He's probably got some guns or something in that duffel bag.
• It's dangerous to cover up such beautiful Zubaz pants, which is why his jersey is so neatly tucked in.
• He's armed with a special permit that lets him park on the beach, even though the palm tree clearly bans such activity.
• It's dangerous to give Marino so much time without pressuring him. Unless it's the playoffs, of course.

Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Exposed wiring
Key 1992 stat: Watched "RoboCop" 281 times
10 things Dan Marino could have won had he worn a metallic exoskeleton with large, black nipples:
10) The Cold War
9) A bigger part in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
8) A better costume in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
7) The hearts of millions of ladies
6) The science fair
5) The Mr. American Nipples Pageant, at least four times
4) His regular Tuesday-night poker game
3) The Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
2) BattleBots
1) The Super Bowl

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 11 VHS copies of "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
Key 1991 stat: Four Isotoner gloves worn (two on right hand, one on left hand and one on, ahem)
Here's what Dan Marino stands for:

Dolphin lover — not in that way, sicko
Aqua Velva saturated and proud of it
Never won a title, except for "World's Sexiest Quarterback"

Miami man with one vice: looking good
Armed with a football, ravishing looks and an 18-pound jacket
Roles in films such as "Ace Ventura," "Holy Man" and "Little Nicky" are, um, legendary
Inside a stone oval, he invites your soft caress
Never met a collar he wouldn't pop
Orange skin a shade lighter than pigskin

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami — you guessed it — Dolphins
Position: Quarterback, marine mammal
Value of card: 11 fish sticks (3 years old and freezer burned)
Key 1991 stat: 22 Isotoner commercials
Fun facts about dolphins, the beloved sea creature, and Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino:

• Dolphins are marine mammals related to whales and porpoises. Dolphin Dan Marino was a land mammal who never had relations with a "whale" on purpose.
• Dolphins are often regarded as one of Earth's most intelligent animals. Dolphin Dan Marino was rarely regarded as one of the NFL's most intelligent players.
• Dolphins communicate using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations. Dolphin Dan Marino communicated using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations.
• Dolphin copulation usually begins belly to belly, and many species engage in lengthy foreplay. Dolphin Dan Marino's copulation usually begins with Winner's Cup Vodka, and he sneers at the second part of this sentence.
• Dolphins have long been a favorite of popular culture, appearing in TV series such "Flipper" and  "SeaQuest DSV." Dolphin Dan Marino has long been a laughingstock of popular culture, appearing in movies such as "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." 

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A 4-foot-high pile of palm fronds
Key 1990 stat: 20-minute increments of a cold, steely stare
Time for a sweltering pop quiz:

It's 1991. Just how hot is Dan Marino?

(A) Women want him. Chris Miller wants to be him.
(B) When he puts on Isotoner gloves, women faint, and so does he, from heat stroke.
(C) He turns on Sean Young so much she shows him big ol' Mr. Kannish.
(D) His balls put off steam.
(E) All of the above.

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Dan Marino, 1994 Flair Hot Numbers (Football Friday No. 97)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Some number or other
Key 1994 stat: One name written across his bum
Dan Marino, by the numbers on this eyesore:

10: Colors on this card
13: Didn't prove so lucky when it came to the Super Bowl, did it, chief?
94: People he's punched over Super Bowl comments. Ouch! Make that 95.
298: Times Shula had to remind him to snap up his chin strap.
40,720: Times he wished for just one decent running back.

Dan Marino, 1994 Flair Hot Numbers (Football Friday No. 97)