Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Brandon Phillips
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Second base
Value of card: One beaten-to-hell baseball glove, spray-painted gold
Key 2008 stat: Zero magic spells cast
Let's hand out some awards: As noted on this card, Brandon Phillips won a Gold Glove in 2008. Here are some other honors he's received.

• National League All-Hula Team, 2008
• Worst camouflage, Field and Stream magazine
• Participation ribbon, 2008 Hamilton County Fair Pie Eating Contest
• Elected vice president of the Greater Ohio Shiny Red Belt Society
• Customer of the month, June 2008, Big Jim's Wristband Emporium

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Thunder From Down Under
Position: Half-dressed first baseman
Value of card: An ounce of baby oil
Key 1992 stat: 183 portrait photos of him not looking at the camera
Kids, avert your eyes: Frank Thomas was king of Chicago in the early 1990s, bashing home runs, stealing the hearts of women and even disarming explosives. But the Big Hurt had a secret: During the offseason, he worked as a, ahem, dancer just for the thrill of it. Working under the pseudonym Thomas Frank, the slugger would put on a mask and then proceed to take off everything else for the ladies (and gents) who ventured into a dark and seedy Chicago club called The City of Big Shoulders and Bigger Other Things. His secret got out in early 1993, though, and his teammates decided action must be taken. Ozzie Guillen, George Bell and Ron Karkovice barged into the club one night while Thomas was on stage. Guillen started cursing at the slugger while Bell slung the half-bare basher over his shoulder and carried him to the car. Karkovice, however, took a seat and stayed behind.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Willie Blair, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Willie Blair
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One framed photo of Blair from "The Facts of Life"
Key career stat: Never had an ERA under 4
Rocky Mountain pop quiz time: What's Willie Blair doing in the above photo?

A) His new dance move, "The Blair Derriere Dare"
B) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for covering first base
C) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for other reasons
D) Trying to entice Andres Galarraga to slap his butt for other reasons
E) Trying to hide from manager Don Baylor after giving up yet another home run

Willie Blair, 1993 Upper Deck

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dan Gladden
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Glad bag, ripped
Key 1989 stat: 0-and-46 against Kirby Puckett in eating competitions
Finishing with a grimace: What's the most disturbing thing about this Diamond King?

A) Dan Gladden's lopsided face
B) Dan Gladden's trillions of wrinkles
C) Dan Gladden's 20-hair mustache
D) Dan Gladden's squinty, pea-size eyes
E) Tiny, dancing Dan Gladden
F) The lopsided border. Poor form, Donruss!

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

Name: Charles Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Motion sickness
Key 1994 stat: Took 52 dance classes
It's a Football Friday pop quiz:

What's happening to Charles Johnson here?

A) He's doing the hustle to save humanity from a vortex of blue words
B) Never mind, he's just doing the hustle for the fun of it
C) He's being sucked into a whirlpool of statistics. And bad ones, at that.
D) He just hit 88 mph
E) He's getting Flaired.

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

Bill Laimbeer, 1991-92 Fleer (Another White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Bill Laimbeer
Team: Detroit Pistons
Positions: Center, dancer, entertainer, sweater
Value of card: 12 vibrations
Key 1990-91 stat: 43 inches (height of bulge above knee; North American record)
Bill's got those good vibrations: Bill Laimbeer loved basketball, but he loved to dance even more. When Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch burst upon the scene in the early 1990s, Laimbeer knew he had a new group to emulate and interpret off the court and on. Though many teammates and fans enjoyed Laimbeer's mid-game dance shows, opponents such as Patrick Ewing, above, often physically showed their contempt for his theatrics.

Laimbeer's "Good Vibrations": "Yeah. Can you feel it, Ewing? I can feel it. Come on swing it. One, two, three. Now we come to the playoffs. (chorus) It's such a good vibration. It's such a sweet De-troit Piston. It's such a good vibration. It's such a sweet De-troit Piston. (end chorus) Yo. It's about that time, to bring forth the rebound and the rhyme. I'm a get mine, so you get yours. I want to see that sweat, Ewing, coming out yo' pores. On the house tip is how I'm swishing this. Strictly hip-hop, boy, I'm not missing this. Bringing this to the entire nation: Knick, Celtic, Pacer, Laker. Feel the vibration. Come on. Come on. Feel it, Ewing. Feel it."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bill Laimbeer, 1991-92 Fleer (Another White Ballers Week No. 6)

Chip Lohmiller, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 3)

Name: Chip Lohmiller
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: A coupon for 50 cents off Rogaine
Key 1991 stat: One knot on head
Look out, above: There Chip Lohmiller was, having fun with the Pro Line crew, dancing the "YMCA" and showing off his new gray undershirt. Little did he know Redskins punter Kelly Goodburn was having a little fun of his own. Goodburn started aiming a few kicks into the middle of the shoot, throwing off Lohmiller's rhythm. "Knock it off!" Lohmiller yelled at him. "This is why you're not getting a card in this set, you jerk!" Lohmiller resumed dancing and posing, and the photog started snapping away. Among the shots he got was this one, taken half a second before one of Goodburn's punts landed directly on Lohmiller's hair peninsula, knocking him out cold. Thankfully, this was before the NFL cared about concussions, so the kicker was back at practice the next day, a little wobbly, but booting field goals and out-mamboing all comers.

Chip Lohmiller, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 3)

Brian McRae, 1992 Donruss

Name: Brian McRae

Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two left feet
Key 1991 stat: One broken ankle

Clearing up some rumors about Brian McRae:

• McRae did not have walk-up music for his at-bats. He had dance-up music.
• McRae did not take bp, or batting practice. He took b-boy practice.
• McRae's favorite dance is, in fact, the batusi.
• McRae did not pop out. He pop-and-locked.
• McRae will not be appearing on "Dancing With The Stars." He is not a star.

Brian McRae, 1992 Donruss

Bill Bergey, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 47)

Name: Bill "The Bulge" Bergey

Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Position: Middle Linebacker

Value of card: If you adjust for (crotch) inflation, 2 cents

Key 1979 stat: One awkward dance before each game

10 things that could be stuffed down Bill Bergey's pants:

10) 66-pound cup

9) A mediocre baseball card blog's cup

8) A disco ball that's prompting him to dance

7) All the NFL's Astroturf

6) Shoulder pads for his "buddies"

5) The gameday football, and two other balls

4) A living, breathing eagle

3) A living, breathing Eagles player

2) An identical bulge to the disguised man behind him

1) Another beard

Bill Bergey, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 47)

Dave Stewart, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Stewart

Team: Toronto Blue Jays

Position: Ace

Value of card: One dead blue jay in a box

Key 1992 stat: 24 teammates entertained

10 things Dave Stewart said before lifting his glove into the air:

10) "Yeah, big guy, throw that jockstrap right here."

9) "You see, fellas, there's the upper deck. It's like I'm touching it."

8) "Lord Jesus, if you're up there, please make these guys stop rubbing up against me."

7) "If you put this baseball to your ear you can hear the ocean."

6) "C'mon, vogue. Let your body move to the music."

5) "OK, so my career used to be here, where the glove is. Now, it's here, where the baseball is."

4) "Guys, I'm looking up but I still don't see Canada. You sure it's above the U.S.?"

3) "You're right. This glove doesn't fit."

2) "Can't ... shield ... blinding reflection ... from teammate's ... Oakleys."

1) "Oh no, blue jay crap!"

Dave Stewart, 1993 Upper Deck

Braves Leaders, 1989 Topps

Name: Some guys

Team: Atlanta Braves

Positions: Role players, backup dancers

Value of card: Two Madonna cone bras

Key 1988 stat: 212 lines of lyrics

What's on the back of the card: Come on, vogue. Let your bullpen move to the music. Hey. Hey. Hey. Come on, vogue. Let your bullpen go with the flow; you know you can do it. I know a place where you can get away; it’s called a diamond, so ... come on, vogue. Let your bullpen move to the music. Hey. Hey. Hey. Come on, vogue. Let your bullpen go with the flow; you know you can do it. It makes no difference if you’re a Brave or Met. If the baseballs are pumping, you can win a bet. You’re an all-star, yes, that’s what you are — you know it. Come on, vogue. Let your bullpen groove to the music. Hey. Hey. Hey. Bunting’s where you find it. Move to the music. Bobby Cox and Monroe. Dale Murphy and DiMaggio. Ron Gant, Jimmy Dean. On the cover of a magazine. Ozzie Virgil, Harlow, Jean. Picture of a batting screen. Mark Lemke, Fred Astaire. Lonnie Smith, pitch on air. They had Skoal, they had grace. Paul Assenmacher gave good face. Smoltz, Glavine, Lana too. Dion James, we love you. Vogue; vogue. Vogue; vogue. Ooh, you’ve got to ... let your bullpen move to the music. Ooh, you’ve got to just ... let your bullpen go with the flow. Ooh, you’ve got to ... let your bullpen move to the music.

Braves Leaders, 1989 Topps