Burt Grossman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 53)

Name: Burt Grossman
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Bupkis
Key 1991 stat: Four pairs of lightning-bolt shorts owned
Burt Grossman's online dating profile circa 1991: 

Screen name: NotSoGrossMan1
Age: 24
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 270 lbs.
Hair color: San Diego Padre brown
Hairstyle: Behatted
Facial hair: Waxed
Ethnicity: Beach bro
Marital status: Married      to the gridiron
Want children? I would love a little Grossman
Smoke? And ruin this babyface? No way.
Drink? I've done a keg stand before.
Best feature: Thighs

Seeking: Hey laaaaaadies!
Her body type: San Diego
Her ethnicity: Tanned
Her interests: Shorts, smooth skin, not making fun of people's names

About me: Look, ladies, despite my name, I'm the cleanest man you'll ever meet. I don't tolerate a mess in my house      or on my body. Except for what's on top of my head, I'm completely hairless. I feel that this gives me a competitive advantage, both on the field and off. It makes me harder to block, but it also accentuates my muscular legs and the fact that my neck is wider than my forehead. So drop me a line and let's show each other some skin.

Burt Grossman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 53)

Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Winfield
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Million-dollar smile
Key 1990 stat: One attempted steal (of your girlfriend)
Dave Winfield's dating profile, circa 1990:

Screen name: WinfieldOfDreams_12
Age: 39
Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 220 pounds (all muscle, baby)
Hair color: Black
Hairstyle: Awesome
Ethnicity: Minnesotan, originally
Want children? I could use a bat boy
Best feature: These pearly whites
Smoke? The occasional fastball
Drink? Gatorade
Religion: I believe in Angels

Seeking: The ladies
Location: Los Angeles? Anaheim? Orange County? One of those
Her body type: Beach bod
Her ethnicity: Tanned


About me: Hey girl, Winny here. After too many seasons in the cold (and cold-heartedness) of New York, I'm back in SoCal, ready to heat things up. Once you're done getting lost in my eyes, drop me line, and we'll see if you can help me work on my power stroke. After all, my jersey may say I'm an Angel, but I'm a real demon once the lights go out. Rrrowwrrr!

Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

Name: Pete LaCock
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: One smile from LaCock
Key 1980 stat: 25 mesh nettings rested against
Here's Pete LaCock's online dating profile:

ScreenName: Pete_LaCock_Yes_That's_My_Real_Name
Age: 29
Height: 6' 2"
Weight: 200 pounds of LaCock here
Hair color: Which layer?
Hairstyle: Mulletish
Facial hair: Mustache that tastes vaguely of hickory
Ethnicity: Californian
Marital status: Swinging freely
Want children? Yes. Who wouldn't want a little LaCock?
Smoke? You selling?
Drink? I've been known to pound a few
Best feature: Surname

Seeking: A beautiful Midwestern girl (or five)
Her body type: Scantily clad
Her ethnicity: Female
Her interests: Baseball, mustaches and wiener jokes

About me: Hello, ladies, I'm Pete LaCock. You might know me as that professional baseball player with the quasi-erotic name. No, not Rusty. There's nothing erotic about that guy. Anyway, I've been having a tough time since moving to Kansas City. It seems I'm spending more time in bed with a plate of delicious barbecue ribs than with the company of a woman, and I'd like to change that. So drop me a line      first we'll get to LaKnow each other, and then we'll get LaNasty. LaCock out!

Pete LaCock, 1981 Topps

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 inches of elastic from that waistband
Key 1990 stat: 176 chicks propositioned
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: BigChris97
Age: Young, son
Height: 6-foot-1 and done
Weight: About 280 of pure muscle
Hair color: Dark
Hairstyle: Chest
Ethnicity: Croatian, African-American and awesome
Want children? My muscles are my children
Past relationships: All started in the weight room
Best feature: Sweatpants bulge
Smoke? Not this dude
Drink? Protein shakes

Seeking: A buff broad
Location: The Windy City
Her height: 6-foot-1 to 6-foot-6
Her body type: Filled with muscles
Her ethnicity: Tan

About me: What's up, ladies? I'm Big Chris and I'm ready to pump you up, if you know what I mean. Sure, I spend a lot of time in the weight room, but I also spend a lot of time in the bedroom. Wink, wink. Want to sweat it out and share a couple of protein shakes? You can find me at the gym      in the locker room, if you're lucky.

Chris Zorich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 35)

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Libido
Key 1990 stat: Almost had a mustache
Sammy Sosa's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: Slammy21
Age: 23
Height: 6' 0" (6' 2" if you count the Jheri curl)
Weight: 155, though I've been looking into supplements
Hair: Curly and fabulous
Ethnicity: South Side
Religious views: Jobu
Marital status: Hoping to go from single to double
Want children? My mother says I do
Best feature: Old-timey uniform
Smoke? I prefer injections
Drink? Soul Glo, once, by accident

Seeking: A baseball
Location: In my hand
Her body type: Round
Her ethnicity: White
Her best feature: Seams

About me: Are you a baseball? If so, I wish to show you the Dominican caress. I wish to hold you in my palm, rub your soft, white leather, tilt my hat sideways and stare seductively into your seams. I wish to make you sweet promises about how we will melt into one another and how my mustache will someday fill in. I wish to dress as though it is 1913 and take you for a carriage ride, after which I will ask your equipment manager for permission to wed you. I wish for you, baseball. I wish for you.

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, Texas Beefmaster
Value of card: A cowpie
Key 1990 stat: Zero beef mastered
Nolan Ryan's online dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TexasBeefmaster01
Age: 13 (in horse years)
Height: 6'10" (with my boots and hat on)
Weight: 170 (without my boots and hat on)
Hair color: Brindle
Hair style: Covered
Ethnicity: Texan
Religious views: Don't mess with Texas
Marital status: Married to the ranch. Also, to my wife.
Want children? I calved a couple young'uns earlier today
Best feature: Calluses
Smoke? Only what I can roll
Drink? Moonshine

Seeking: A right fine heifer
Location: In the barn, at the stockyard, on the range      it doesn't matter
Her body type: Meaty
Her ethnicity: Angus
Her hairstyle: Matted

About me: Hello there, ladies. They call me the Texas Beefmaster (sure they do), but it's not because of the livestock I keep on my ranch. You see, I'm partial to a girl with some steak on her bones, the kind of woman who knows her way around both a trough and a haystack. It's true that I'm married, but my relationship is as open as the range that I ride. So if you're interested in knocking hooves, drop me a line and we can get low.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Ryan Long, 1992 Bowman

Name: Ryan Long
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 16 rotten oranges
Key 1991 stat: One high school senior portrait used on a baseball card
Ryan Long's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: LongGone25
Age: 18
Height: 6 feet 2 and growing
Weight: 190 pounds and drowning in muscles
Hair color: Brunette
Hairstyle: Fresh
Ethnicity: As white as they come
Want children? Still a child
Past relationships: Dated Kelly Kapowski
Best feature: Shades
Smoke? Cigarettes aren't cool, dude
Drink? You don't have to drink to be radical

Seeking: Pretty, popular girls
Location: High school
Her height: A-plus
Her body type: Cheerleader
Her ethnicity: As white as me

About me: Hey, babes. Ryan here. I'm just a cool dude looking for a chica to be at my side. I'm pretty much the most popular guy in school, and I'm looking for a girl who's just as popular — and not make-believe. I like to cruise around in my red Camaro, make fun of nerds, shoot hoops with the bros, and wear my sunglasses at night. I hope you're cool — and hot — enough to do those things with me. Catch ya later, skater.

Ryan Long, 1992 Bowman

Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Boston Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: One ha'penny
Key 1924 stat: Frowned upon that new style of music called "jazz"
Tom Glavine's 1920s-era Internet dating profile (yes, we know it doesn't make any sense      have you been here before?):

Screen name: Thomas Michael "Tom" Glavine
Age: A hale 28
Height: 18 hands
Weight: 1.75 hundredweights
Hair color: Tawny
Hairstyle: Slicked back
Ethnicity: American
Religious views: Quaker
Marital status: My parents are still looking for a match
Want children? To pull the plow
Best feature: Stirrups
Smoke? Sure, the doctor says it's healthy
Drink? And how! Er, I mean, I'm no bootlegger!

Seeking: A classy dame
Location: The backseat of my Model T, er, that is, Boston!
Her body type: Corseted
Her ethnicity: Scandalous!

About me: I'm a simple farmer who plays ball during the dog days. I'm looking for a simple doll who isn't afraid to crank up the horseless carriage and hit the road for exotic locales like Cleveland and even St. Louis. I've caroused with my share of flappers, but I believe my speakeasy days are in the past. I'm ready to settle down with a loving bird and do the Lord's work. ... Oh, applesauce, why do I jest? I can't get enough of the hooch and the molls who come with it. Let's you and me get dolled up, get fried, and get some nookie.

Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Ricky Bones, 1994 Studio

Name: Ricky Bones
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Pitcher, chin in hand
Value of card: A delicious rack of baby back ribs, without the meat
Key 1993 stat: 730 mustache grooming sessions
Ricky Bones' online dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: DemBones69
Age: 25
Height: 5' 10 1/2"
Weight: 175
Hair: Sculpted
Ethnicity: Puertorriqueño
Relationship status: Single-ish
Want children? Who wouldn't want some little Bones?
Best feature: Here's a hint: It gives free rides
Religious views: My mullet is pretty miraculous
Smoke? No way am I polluting my hair with that smell
Drink? I live in Milwaukee. What do you think?

Seeking: Are there any other Puerto Ricans in Milwaukee? Please?
Her body type: Dairy-free
Her best feature: Mustache. Oh wait, that's me again.
Location: Your place, my place, the dugout      wherever

About me: Hi ladies, my name is Ricky. Ricky Bones. That's right, Bones. Uh-huh, yeah. As you can see in my profile picture above, I'm a sophisticated, thinking man who knows how to flatten a mustache and curl a mullet. I could curl your toes, too, if you like. What's that? You want to know what that jersey is in the background? Well, I hate to brag, but I make a living playing baseball for the Milwaukee Brewers. Sure, we lost 93 games last year, but only 11 of those were my fault. Enough about work, let's talk about love. I can picture us now, lying in front of a roaring fireplace on a cow-skin rug, running our fingers through each other's luxurious hair, sipping the finest Old Milwaukee that can be had from the corner store. You'll play shy at first, but let's be honest. We're both looking forward to the same thing: the night when Ricky Bones you.

Ricky Bones, 1994 Studio

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Name: Steve Smith
Team: Chicago Blackhawks
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: The monetary equivalent of the ink used for that autograph
Key 1994-95 stat: 47 Siberian "huskies" romanced
Steve Smith's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: PuckSchmuck41
Age: 34 or 35; not sure
Height: 1.75 hockey sticks
Weight: 254 hockey pucks
Hair color: Golden
Hairstyle: Coated in 11 pounds of gel
Ethnicity: Russian-Canadian, like the rest of the NHL
Religious views: Cross check
Marital status: Never
Want children? Why?
Best feature: Forehand (up your skirt)
Smoke? Only when I drink
Drink? Only when I drink

Seeking: A Russian babe whose breath is as cold as a Siberian winter
Location: Anywhere in Canada, eh?
Her body type: Buxom and nuded
Her ethnicity: See above

About me: Ladies, feast your eyes on a real man — a hockey man. Just because I spend all day handling my stick doesn't mean I don't have time for your parts, too. As you can see from my sexified profile pic, I don't just play hockey. I also play beach volleyball — in the snow. And I don't just dive around shirtless with the guys like it's "Top Gun"; I also like to sweat with the ladies. You want to get hot on the ice? Just imagine what I'm saving for you in these jean shorts. Let's puck.

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Topps

Name: Harold Reynolds
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Second base
Value of card: Rusty chain-link fencing
Key 1988 stat: Could flip those shades like no one's business
Video dating service profile for Harold Reynolds, circa 1989:

Age: 28
Height: 5' 11 7/8"
Weight: 165
Hair: Party in the back
Ethnicity: Black
Relationship status: Open, if you know what I mean
Want children? Only if I open a sweatshop
Best feature: Smoothest mustache this side of Mount Rainier
Religious views: God wants this mustache
Smoke? Well, Vancouver's right next door, after all ...
Drink? Only after losses. So, a lot.

Seeking: Someone to hug without it becoming a misunderstanding
Her body type: Well endowed
Her ethnicity: Human
Location: Some place where it doesn't rain as much

Reynolds' video introduction transcript: "Hi ladies, you may recognize me as the second baseman for your Seattle Mariners      then again, you may not, considering I'm usually a blur racing around the diamond. Ha, no, I'm just playing, I know you know who I am. I'm the king of the Kingdome, baby! (Reynolds puts on flip sunglasses with lenses down) Now, let's talk about you and me. I need a special lady who can keep me dry here in Seattle      but not too dry. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) I need someone who isn't afraid to move up 90 feet when the pitch gets a little wild. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) And I need a woman who's down to play both ends of a double-header. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) If this sounds like you, give me a call. Starting in early October, I'll be free to lavish all my attention      and my mustache      on you, girl. Yeah!"

Harold Reynolds, 1989 Topps

Duke Kahanamoku, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special, No. 4)

Name: Duke Kahanamoku
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 3 golds, 2 silvers
Value of card: 4 coconuts
Key 1912 stat: 472 women romanced
Duke Kahanamoku's dating profile, circa 1912:

Screen name: hawaiianhunk69
Age: 52
Height: 6 feet (6 feet 2 on surfboard)
Weight: 185 pounds soaking wet
Hair color: Salt-and-pepper
Hairstyle: The wave, obviously
Ethnicity: Hawaiian
Religious views: Worships the ocean
Marital status: Married to the water
Want children? I have enough
Best feature: C'mon, the tan, obviously
Smoke? The competition
Drink? Saltwater

Seeking: Just trying to get laid (Huh, huh, get it?)
Location: The Big Island
Her body type: Hula
Her ethnicity: Hula

About me: Aloha, you know me as the Duke, but I'm the king of Hawaii. I basically created surfing and won gold medals in swimming. I've shown thousands of women paradise while in a tropical paradise. My tan is so deep you can't help but fall in. Come, join me on my surfboard of ecstasy and let me mahalo you all night long.

Duke Kahanamoku, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special, No. 4)

Gregg Jefferies, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 49)

Name: Gregg Jefferies
Team: New York Mets
Position: Second base
Value of card: The height of early 1990s fashion (so, nothing good)
Key 1990 stat: More G's than any human could possibly need
Gregg Jefferies' dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TripleG2K
Age: I'm in my prime
Height: 5'11" (6'3" when my hair reaches its full potential)
Weight: 175 agile pounds
Hair color: Baby brown
Hairstyle: Tall, dark and handsome
Ethnicity: New Yorker
Marital status: Playing the field
Best feature: Real leather jacket
Smoke? I'm smokin', all right
Drink? Hell, I'm drunk right now

Seeking: Queens
Location: Aw crap, I meant to put "Queens" on this line
Her body type: Body, schmody; let's talk about hair
Her religious views: Anything but the one that worships cows       I don't think they'd like my stylish jacket too much.

About me: Hey there, girls, you may know me as the star second baseman for your New York Mets, but I'm much more than an athlete       I'm also one good-looking dude. My sick hairdo lets me know when it's raining minutes before anyone else realizes it, and my smokin' leather Mets jacket will keep us both warm. Did I mention it's real leather? Go ahead, give it a smell. Oh, one other thing you should know: that third G in my first name? It stands for G-spot finder. Ohhhh yeah. Ring me up, ladies, and let's trade everything from hair stylists' phone numbers to bodily fluids.

Gregg Jefferies, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 49)

Frank Viola, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 47)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three fibers from a towel
Key 1990 stat: 365 extra-long showers
Frank Viola's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: curly69
Age: A child at heart
Height: Fit in a shower stall
Weight: 92 kilos
Hair color: Mets' orange
Hairstyle: Never-ending curls
Ethnicity: Italian lover
Religious views: Towelism
Want children: Yes, 17 of them
Marital status: Single and ready to mingle
Best feature? Too many to name
Smoke? Often
Drink? Usually

Seeking: A woman to share a shower with
Location: In the bathtub
His/her body type: Wet
His/her ethnicity: Mustachioed

About me: Hey, ladies. It's me, Frankie V, the insatiable left-hander with a taste for showers. As you can see, I'm usually soaking wet and toweling off. It takes a long time to shampoo all these curls, and even longer to soap up this 'stache, and I need a pretty partner to help get me through those long, steamy times under the big stream. Want a little Viola in your life? Voila!

Frank Viola, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 47)

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One cent for each inch of mustache
Key 1990 stat: Hair tousled 1,922 times
Eric Show's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: ShowMeTheMoney
Age: Thirtysomething
Height: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion — oh, I see. 6'1"
Weight: 185
Hair color: The brownest of the browns
Hairstyle: Carefree and greasy
Ethnicity: Spanish (as far as you know)*
(*Note from dating service: He's white)
Religious views: Far-right
Marital status: Once bitten, twice shy
Best feature: Mustache
Smoke? I throw it
Drink? All the Hennessy jou got on jour shelf

Seeking: Mi amor
Location: North America
Her body type: Plump
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Jes, I am Eric Show, the quasi-Latino lover, and I am here to love jou. My mustache is made from the finest fibers in all of Espana, and my hair contains enough oil to heat our home on cold winter nights.  Please, allow me to be the one to gaze meaningfully into jour eyes as I ply jou with champagne and oysters, building to the moment when we kiss and my mustache's primary purpose switches from warming my lips to warming jours.

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

Dave Engle, 1982 Topps

Name: Dave Engle
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cat hair on the back of your black T-shirt
Key 1981 stat: Made this face 1,933 times
Video dating service profile for Dave Engle, circa 1981:

Age: 25
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 210 lbs. — with my clothes off
Hair: Uncut
Ethnicity: I'm in Minnesota. Duh.
Want children? As many as possible so they can take care of me when I flame out of baseball
Relationship status: Rhymes with Engle
Best feature: My "I've got a secret" face
Smoke? Cloves
Drink? Boone's Farm

Seeking: An end to the loneliness
Location: Minnesota, until they trade me
Her height: As long as she can stand, that's cool
Her weight: On me
Her ethnicity: Nymphomanian

About me: Hi ladies, I'm Dave Engle. I like Pringles, I don't have shingles and I believe in Kris Kringle. If you're single and want to mingle, give me a jingle. I'll make you tingle!

Dave Engle, 1982 Topps

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

Name: Chris "Zorro" Zorich
Team: Chicago Scares
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: A bunch of Zzzzzzzz's
Key 1993 splat: One pair of headphones worn as part of costume
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: Zorro69
Age: Veintinueve
Height: Two swords tall
Weight: 112 kilos
Hair color: La rojo bandanna
Hairstyle: Swashbuckling
Ethnicity: Mexican, circa 1840
Religious views: Banderas
Want children? Of course, but only with you, mi amore
Marital status: It's a mystery
Best feature: Mask
Smoke? Yes, but only with a cigarette holder
Drink? The finest wines

Seeking: A gay blade
Location: 1840s colonial Mexico, now California
Her/his body type: Covered in material that can be shredded by a sword
Her/his ethnicity: I prefer the brown ones

About me: I am Zorro, a man on the prowl for a man to share my nights and my secret identity. Me, a dashing, black-clad outlaw whose sword is as swift as his silver-tongued wit. You, anybody with a couple of holes. But, no, don't get upset. You can join me on clandestine adventures, during which I will take up arms against tyrannical villains, and, let's hope, take down their pants with a few swipes of my sword. Like that idea? I can add a "Z" to the back of your trousers, mi amore. Join me, Zorro, on my next romantic adventure.

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

Mel Gray, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 90)

Name: Mel Gray
Team: Detroit Lions (trust us)
Position: Kick returner
Value of card: One commemorative T-shirt
Key 1991 stat: Too fast for his own good
Mel Gray's dating profile, circa 1991:

Name: ProBowler1
Age: Old enough to know better, still too young to care
Height: Like my socks, pretty tall
Weight: 170 pounds — when I'm clothed
Hair color: A black blur
Hairstyle: I run like it's on fire
Ethnicity: All-world
Religious views: If you're punting to me, you better pray
Want children: Only in the stands
Marital status: I get around
Best feature: Pro Bowl T-shirt
Smoke? Only the kick coverage team
Drink? I did when I was in Hawaii

Seeking: Any lady who likes going to Hawaii once a year
Her body type: Legs like mine would be nice
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Hello ladies, my name's Mel Gray, but make no mistake, I see things in black and white. You may already know me — I was the starting kick returner at a little thing called the Pro Bowl. In case you missed it, just check out my shirt. It says it all. I bet you wish you could untuck it, don't you? What's that, ladies? Why yes, these shorts do go all the way up. My legs mean business; wouldn't you like to make them your business? I'm speedy as all get out, but I'm not so fast when the lights come down, if you know what I mean. I mean in the bedroom. You know, it? Yeah, that's right. You know what I'm talking about. It. Hit me up, and maybe I'll even let you see what's under the socks. Mmmmm.

Mel Gray, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 90)

Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Name: Tom Newberry
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One hair peninsula
Key 1991 stat: Zero dates


It's lockout fever: With rumors swirling that the NFL lockout is about to be, well, unlocked, we here at the Bust thought we'd bring you a week of hilarious writing. But why start now? Instead, this week will be dedicated to the most ridiculous set of football cards known to mankind: the 1991 Pro Line Portraits. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to start studying for a fantasy football draft we worried might not happen.

Tom Newberry's dating profile, circa 1991:


Screen name: RamIt66
Age: 29
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 285 lbs. of raw steel
Hair: A peninsula of passion
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Want children? What, more?
Relationship status: I'm on good terms with Jim Everett
Best feature: Designer sweatpants
Smoke? The L.A. air is bad enough
Drink? Only when Dickerson spikes the Gatorade

Seeking: Ramming it
Location: Anywhere you can ram it
Her height: Ram
Her weight: It
Her ethnicity: Ram-anian

About me: Hi ladies. I'd like to tell you about a cause that's close to my heart: Ramming it. A few years ago, My Los Angeles Ram teammates and I made a hit music video called "Let's Ram It" — you may have seen me starring in the background. And while some people said that 5 1/2 minutes was painfully too long and that it lacked "good choreography," neither of those criticisms hits the point. The point is: Let's ram it! There are millions of people in this world each night who aren't able to ram it. College students, middle-aged professionals, senior citizens — all without the opportunity to ram it. Ladies, it's time to do your part. Drop me a line, and I'll show you how you can help the less fortunate — including myself — ram it like they've never rammed it before.

Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Max Venable, 1987 Topps

(Superhero) Name: Max Venable

Team: Cincinnati Reds

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Max value (3 cents)

Key 1986 stat: Zero dates

Max Venable's dating profile, circa 1987:

Screen name: MadMax69

Age: I'll whisper it in yo' ear

Height: Taller with this hat on

Weight: Half in da butt

Hair color: Dope

Hairstyle: See above

Ethnicity: Reds

Religious views: Sexual Tiger Roar

Want children? Not out of my lady's goods

Marital status: No ring, but bling-bling

Best feature: Ladies love the pencil-thin 'stache

Smoke? Foo's

Drink? Foreva

Seeking: To take it to the max with a tender young 'roni

Location: In da butt

Her body type: Bangin'

Her ethnicity: Whatever it takes to get in those draw's

About me: You need to know: I take it to the max. My muscles? Max. Also, the Venable is venerable. Little babies, look at these glasses. Imagine how I see you, draped in the finest furs, sipping sparkling wine from a box, kissing the wind. I'll take you to the field, host picnics and other crap like that. I'll even let you try on my lucky wristbands. You just have to agree to one thing: Tell me you're ready to Max out — and in. And out. And in again. Yeah, baby.

Max Venable, 1987 Topps