Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Name: Wayne Twitchell
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, child of the night
Value of card: One drop of blood on your new shirt
Key 1978 stat: Two sharp fangs
It's a Canadian Caption, which possibly ran in the Montreal Gazette circa 1979: "Expos pitcher and known vampire Wayne Twitchell attempts to shield his eyes from the sun shortly before turning to dust after mistakenly taking the field during daylight hours at spring training Tuesday in Daytona Beach, Fla. Twitchell, who had been undead since the early 15th century, ventured outside Tuesday morning after mishearing a conversation about bloody marys, only to be destroyed by the harsh light of day."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: West Palm Beach Tropics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One arthritic hip
Key 1989-90 stat: Zero autographs actually requested from this guy
Top 10 possible explanations for this bizarre card:
10) It's promotional material for "Weekend at Bernie's 3: Dead on the Diamond."
9) It's an actual dead man being propped up for entertainment purposes.
8) It's one of those things that you stand behind and place your head in the cutout for photos.
7) Considering his hands are as big as his head, it must be George "The Animal" Steele in disguise.
6) It's concept art for the unwanted sequel to "Semi-Pro."
5) Topps was just putting its surplus of wood-grain framing to good use.
4) Oh, like you don't have glossy photos of Tim Stoddard that you're just dying to have autographed.
3) It's entirely possible that this is a photo of Tim Stoddard burping while sleepwalking.
2) It's just a cheap rip-off of this Al Hrabosky card.
1) Clearly, this was the liveliest photo from the entire Senior Professional Baseball Association season.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Jesse Orosco
Team: New York Mets
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Whatever Mr. Orosco says it's worth
Key 1984 stat: Whichever stat Mr. Orosco would like us to highlight
Whatever you say, Mr. Orosco: Um, hello there, sir. Has anyone ever told you that you're quite scary — and, of course, quite good-looking. And you're an awesome pitcher. The best we've ever seen. Yes, um, yes. We would never think of making fun of you or your Diamond Kings baseball card because, um, what could we make fun of? We couldn't possibly find anything wrong with such a beautiful illustration or with such an attractive face. Just promise us you won't sneak through one of our windows at night and kill our families with baseball stirrups and a hacksaw. Also, in closing, let us just say that we love your bangs and hair wings, asymmetrical eyes, shadowy profile and translucent skin. They're beautiful attributes. What's that? ... Oh, this is actually a photo of Orosco's corpse. Well, in that case, this is one of the most frightening cards we've ever seen, and it would be better served in a gallery of serial-killer images than in a Diamond Kings set.

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cold ramen broth
Key 1988 stat: Constantly hungry
Actual conversation between giant Dave Henderson and tiny Dave Henderson:
Tiny Hendu: "Hey, where'd my mustache go?"
Giant Hendu: "I'm going to eat you!"
TH: "Holy Jeebus, it's a giant me!"
GH: "Here I come, comin' to eat you!"
TH: "Ah, crap. Maybe I can blend into the background? Um, never mind. Christ, there are enough colors there to make Skittles. ... Wait, maybe ... (Scurries around behind Giant Hendu). Hey, over here, dummy!"
GH: (Turns around, facing hideous background) "Arrrrrrggghh! Hendu's eyes — burning! Can't see! Blinded by multi-colored arrows! Arrrghhh!" (Trips and falls)
TH: (Stabs tiny bat into Giant Hendu's eye, killing him) "Take that, you big freak! You ain't gonna eat nothin'! ... And give me back my mustache!"

Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)

Name: Brian Barnes
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Colon blockage
Key 1990 stat: One screw loose
That boy ain't right: Have you ever heard someone talk about a player who "sleeps, drinks and eats baseball"? Well, Brian "Wild Man" Barnes did one of those things. When the Expos found Barnes wandering the Canadian wilderness in the summer of 1984, he was a feral teenager wearing only a dirty loincloth and hunting moose with a spear. The team president took him in, trained him to hurl a baseball instead of a weapon, and soon had a pitching prospect on his hands. There was just one problem: The smell of the ball's cowhide cover made Barnes' stomach growl. Under supervision, he was fine, but left alone, he would devour an entire case of baseballs, grinning the whole time. Despite the team's best efforts, Barnes was found dead on a locker room floor in 1994, red lacing string and pieces of leather scattered around him. During an autopsy, doctors found enough rawhide and twine in his gut to create a line of ladies' handbags.

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Name: Nolan Ryan

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Ace

Value of card: One childhood portrait of Matt Damon

Key 1991 stat: Two respresentations on this card alone!
R.I.P. Peter Graves: With apologies to Captain Oveur and the geniuses behind "Airplane!" here are the top 10 things we imagine Nolan Ryan saying to the little brat in this illustration.

10) "Joey, you ever spend any time in a minor league locker room?"
9) "Do you like it when grown men put people in headlocks, Joey?"

8) "Joey, have you ever been to a sausage factory?"

7) "Joey, have you ever played the hot corner?"

6) "Would you like to see the Ryan Express, Joey?"

5) "Joey, you ever seen Mookie Wilson naked?"

4) "Joey, do you spend much time around silicone rubber?"

3) "You ever eat a lizard, Joey?"

2) "Joey, can you explain the infield fly rule to me?"

1) "Joey, have you ever given a sumo wrestler a sponge bath?"

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Upper Deck Checklist

Bob Welch, 1991 Score

Name: Bob Welch

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Ace

Value of card: A handful of pennies

Key 1990 stat: 46 reconstructive surgeries

New face of baseball: In the months after the 1990 season, Bob Welch was injured in a horrific pitching machine accident. From the neck down, he was fine, but his head was reduced to a pulpy sludge, every bone broken, every link to his face erased. His fans and teammates thought the worst, as did most medical professionals. Then Lithuanian Dr. Bronislovas stepped to the plate with a radical surgery he said could save the Cy Young winner. Sixty-seven straight hours of life-saving surgery passed, then dozens of follow-up surgeries and months of rehabilitation. When Welch held a news conference on Opening Day 1991, fans around the world were amazed: His face now resembled a baseball, he could see through what looked like fingernails and he had retained his command of the split-finger fastball.

Bob Welch, 1991 Score

A. Bartlett Giamatti, 1990 Topps

Name: A. Bartlett "Bart" Giamatti
Team: Angels
Position: Dead commissioner
Value of card: $10 off FTD sympathy bouquet
Key 1989 stat: One massive heart attack
Weekend at Barty's: After baseball Commissioner Bart Giamatti died suddenly in 1989, several baseball card companies planned a memorial card for him in their 1990 sets. Giamatti, who had made headlines for banning Pete Rose from baseball just days before his death, was never the most photogenic person. Knowing this, the crack photography team at Topps decided to one-up the competition. Rather than use an archived image for their card, the sick bastards at Topps broke into the morgue where Giamatti had been taken, stole his body, threw a clip-on tie and $50 suit from Mervyns on him and propped him up "Weekend At Bernie's"-style in the Shea Stadium visitors locker room for a photo shoot. Hilarity ensued when, rather than returning Giamatti's body to the morgue, they instead stuffed him into the Mr. Met costume and left him in the bullpen car.

A. Bartlett Giamatti, 1990 Topps

Nigel Wilson, 1994 Pinnacle Rookie Prospects

Name: Nigel Wilson
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One cupcake
Key 1993 stat: 247 times having the Heimlich maneuver performed on him
Short and sweet: Nigel Wilson's career may have been short-lived, but oh was it memorable. He hustled every play, no matter the situation. Weak grounder to first? He'd still fly down the line so fast that various parts of his uniform would come ripping off. He once ran so hard legging out a triple that by the time he got to third, he was wearing only a wifebeater and a jockstrap. But to keep up this boundless energy, Wilson — a sucker for sweets — was constantly snacking. He was known to jam a whole cupcake in his mouth before crucial at-bats. In the photo on this card, he had packed an entire Danish into his left cheek before knocking a hard single. The result is obvious: That helmet never stood a chance. But in the end, it was Wilson's sweet tooth that cut short his playing days. In a 1995 game against San Diego, Wilson was on his way to an infield double when the bearclaw he had stuffed in his maw got stuck in his throat. Nigel Wilson died that day doing what he loved: eating and hustling.

Nigel Wilson, 1994 Pinnacle Rookie Prospects