Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Half off tuition at Lasorda University (Actual value: $0)
Key 1995 stat: One grading scandal
Pencils out, it's time for an educational pop quiz: What collegiate class did Tony Gwynn teach?

A) Religion and Art 212
B) Sewing Cargo Pockets onto Jeans 302 (Lab)
C) Chili Dog Consumption 440 (Colloquium)
D) Collar Popping in Modern America 110
E) None of the above, though he did school a few pitchers in his day

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Craig Biggio, Shelbee the dog
Team: Houston Astros, Houston Fleabags
Positions: Second base, family pet
Value of card: One lick from either of the above
Key 1992 stat: For Biggio, less fashion sense than his dog
Shelbee the dog's train of thought from 11:29 to 11:31 a.m., Feb. 2, 1993: "Dad, why are you spelling my name out for that stranger? And how many times do I have to tell you, it's 'Shelby,' with a Y. Only an idiot would use two E's. ... Oh, it's picture time? Great! You're going to change your clothes, right? Um, dad? You're not going to wear a tucked-in T-shirt and a brand-new white ball cap, right? ... No, let go of me! I can't be seen with you like this! Oh doggone-it, why are you sitting down? No, don't      no, don't spread your legs like that! Those jeans are tighter than my collar! Everyone will be able to see the Killer B's! ... Jeez, this is embarrassing. That's it, I'm pooping in your cleats."

Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Name: Troy Percival
Team: California Angels
Position: Closer
Value of card: 16 blades of grass (dead and dried)
Key 1991 stat: One pair of jeans owned
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial, circa 1992: "Howdy, sports fans. I'm Troy Percival of the California Angels, and I wear Black Jeans. Why Black Jeans? Because nothing makes you look hotter and keeps your goods sweatier than Black Jeans. You can wear Black Jeans with just about anything, even an atrocious blue T-shirt with buttons. Boom. Black Jeans. Say you're at the mall and some other guy is wearing bluejeans. Guess what? He's a sucker. You're wearing Black Jeans and all the girls want you. Boom. Like to wear your mom's watch? Boom. You look more like a man if you wear your mom's watch while you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Have a crazy-dope flat top? It's crazier and doper when you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Remember: The whitest dudes on the block wear Black Jeans. Boom."

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Dikembe Mutombo, 1997-98 Upper Deck Court Perspectives (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Dikembe Mutombo
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Center
Value of card: Half the crease in those jeans he's wearing
Key 1997-98 stat: A bunch of blocks, or something
Not in our house: Congolese-American center Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo (actual name, for real) is one of the greatest defensive players in NBA history. He's second on the all-time blocks list, twice led the league in rebounding, was an eight-time all-star and twice won the league's J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award. But does any of that excuse wearing jeans that appear to be made of linen? No, no, no.

 

 Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Dikembe Mutombo, 1997-98 Upper Deck Court Perspectives (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 5)

Dan Majerle, 1994 Pacific Crown Collection (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Majerle
Team: Phoenix Suns
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: One "pump" of Majerle's shoes
Key 1994 stat: 13,822 unsold mozzarella sticks
Gym rat infestation: As noted on the above card, Thunder Dan opened Majerle's Sports Grill in Phoenix in 1992. The restaurant is still operating, though the menu has changed since the early '90s. Here's a recipe for one of the less popular opening-day menu items, the Thunder Danish (only Oliver Miller tried it, but that guy would eat anything):

8 oz. of flannel
1 pair of dad jeans
2 cups of flour
6 eggs that are a week past the sell-by date
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 orange shoe lace, minced
1 20-amp fuse, crushed
1 cup of cream cheese

Combine all the ingredients except the cream cheese in a large mixing bowl and slosh around. Remove the jeans and throw them in the dryer until they shrink and harden. Let the mixture sit for five minutes, or until Mark West picks up his first foul, then place the mixture 24 feet from the nearest basketball hoop and yell at it to drive a little more often. Turn on an NBA game and eat the cream cheese with a spoon. Voila!

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Dan Majerle, 1994 Pacific Crown Collection (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 3)

Jeff Williams, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Jeff Williams
Team: Hagerstown Suns (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you can find in that tiny, useless pocket that jeans have
Key 1991 stat: Didn't like denim; loved denim
Welcome to Bowman Fashion Week: For the next seven days, we here at the Bust will bring you some of the most hideous intriguing style choices ever to grace cardboard. The kicker? They're all from the 1992 Bowman set. It's almost as though the good folks at Bowman got together and said, "Hey, baseball is a timeless sport, so let's go ahead and feature some the game's future stars and Jeff Williams in attire that will be woefully outdated five weeks from now!" Good call, gents. If clothes make the man, then, well, check back next week for actual men.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Baltimore Orioles second-round draft pick and future flame-out Jeff Williams donning the always-hip Canadian tuxedo. Sure, he's owned those Lee jeans for the better part of five years, but that crisp denim button-down just came off the rack at Kmart last week, thanks to Mr. Williams' signing bonus. Jeff is also suave enough to remove his glove in order to show off the Casio digital watch his mom got him for Christmas. That's right, folks, this modern timepiece features both a stopwatch setting and a backlight. That's fashion and function, all on one rubber wristband!

Jeff Williams, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Name: Steve Smith
Team: Chicago Blackhawks
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: The monetary equivalent of the ink used for that autograph
Key 1994-95 stat: 47 Siberian "huskies" romanced
Steve Smith's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: PuckSchmuck41
Age: 34 or 35; not sure
Height: 1.75 hockey sticks
Weight: 254 hockey pucks
Hair color: Golden
Hairstyle: Coated in 11 pounds of gel
Ethnicity: Russian-Canadian, like the rest of the NHL
Religious views: Cross check
Marital status: Never
Want children? Why?
Best feature: Forehand (up your skirt)
Smoke? Only when I drink
Drink? Only when I drink

Seeking: A Russian babe whose breath is as cold as a Siberian winter
Location: Anywhere in Canada, eh?
Her body type: Buxom and nuded
Her ethnicity: See above

About me: Ladies, feast your eyes on a real man — a hockey man. Just because I spend all day handling my stick doesn't mean I don't have time for your parts, too. As you can see from my sexified profile pic, I don't just play hockey. I also play beach volleyball — in the snow. And I don't just dive around shirtless with the guys like it's "Top Gun"; I also like to sweat with the ladies. You want to get hot on the ice? Just imagine what I'm saving for you in these jean shorts. Let's puck.

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Steve Yzerman, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be a Player (Hockey Week No. 1)

Name: Steve Yzerman
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Center
Value of card: On a scale of 1 to 10, it's 90210
Key 1994-95 stat: Came in last on a lot of roll calls
Break out the Zambonis, eh, hockey season's a-comin': When word spread that the NHL owners and players had reached a labor deal and agreed to play an abbreviated season starting this Saturday, we here at the Bust, like so many other Americans, said, "Hey, wait, hockey was supposed to have started?" Then we realized we could count on one hand the number of hockey cards we've featured, and we decided to fix that. So strap on those skates and fire up your copy of "Slap Shot"      it's Hockey Week.
Putting the "why" in Stevie Y: At first, this photo of Steve Yzerman seems like nothing more than an embarrassing, dated collectible, but the more we stared at it      and we stared a long time      the more we started to see some symbolism here. Look at the fear in Yzerman's eyes, the tension with which he's gripping the chair, the excitement in his mullet, and the way his hiney is prominently displayed in those dad jeans. Then you notice he's wearing an incredible NHL Players' Association letterman's jacket, and you realize that this card is a representation of the 2012-13 lockout. After all, this photo wasn't the last time the NHLPA was bent over a piece of furniture.

Steve Yzerman, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be a Player (Hockey Week No. 1)

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Cowboy, ace
Value of card: A tumbleweed
Key 1989 stat: Waist of pants 1/2-inch below belly button
It's an Old West pop quiz: Um, what does Nolan know, exactly?

A) Why the caged bird sings
B) How to hitch his britches up higher than yours
C) What Robin Ventura's tears taste like
D) What you did last summer
E) Why they call it a 10-gallon hat
F) How to pull off a Canadian tuxedo
G) How to have a longer career than Bo

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows