Derrick Thomas, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 2)

Name: Derrick "Attack Cat" Thomas
Team: Kansas City Creeps
Position: Linebacker
Fright value of card: Three coughed-up hair balls
Key 1993 splat: 14 sacks (of yarn)
Cat-scratch fever: Last year for Halloween Week, we brought you monsters, ghouls, ghosts and pieces of ice. This year, we're bringing you a even more spooky schmucks, including the Attack Cat, Derrick Thomas, who could only scare paraplegic mice and pieces of cheese, if pieces of cheese could express emotions. Just look at this guy. We'd say Thomas looks like a castoff from "Cats," but we don't want to disparage such a fine feline musical. Though they're trying to make him appear fearsome, he looks more like the Cowardly Lion getting arrested for indecent exposure. Yes, we're featuring this card near the middle of a week full of boos. But before we get ahead of ourselves, we need to answer that important question: What kind of cat, exactly, is Thomas supposed to be? He's not a cougar. He's not a tiger. He's not a lion. Ah, we get it. He's a pussy.

Derrick Thomas, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 2)

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Names: Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebacker, defensive end, respectively
Value of card: One broken taillight
Key 1993 stat: About a million sacks, combined
It's a Matchup between two sackmasters:

Round 1: Standing in traffic (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Head roundness (Winner: Smith)
Round 3: Not getting in the way of genius "RUSH HOUR" lettering (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Pants hitched up to armpits (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Prominence of lace-up crotch (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Badassery (Winner: Thomas)
Round 7: Respect for that terrible Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan movie (Winner: Neither)
Round 8: Bulge (Winner: Thomas)
Round 9: Love of ketchup (Winner: Smith)

Final score: Smith 4, Thomas 3 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Derrick Thomas may have had the more memorable career, but it's Neil Smith who's the big Chief today. It's a good thing he had his crotch laced up so tightly. More importantly, "Rush Hour" sucked.

Derrick Thomas, Neil Smith, 1993 Skybox (Football Friday No. 69)

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 40)

Name: Derrick Thomas

Team: Kansas City Chiefs

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: One shirt off his back

Key 1990 stat: Three pairs of shorts worn at all times

Clearing up some rumors about Derrick Thomas:

• Derrick Thomas isn't staring at you twice. Those are nipples.
• Derrick Thomas isn't wearing shorts. His thigh muscles exploded his pants.
• Derrick Thomas doesn't always go shirtless. Sometimes he wears American Indian garb.
• Derrick Thomas isn't wearing gloves. Those are veinmakers.
• Derrick Thomas isn't showcasing his bulge. It's showcasing him.

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 40)

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sensitivity class
Key 1992 stat: One gigantic fire stood in front of
Great moments in awkwardness: Skybox opted to take a risk in its 1992 set, selecting a number of players to debut its "Tackling Racial Stereotypes" subset. Things quickly got out of hand. If you think this card is offensive, you should see Atlanta Falcons coach Jerry Glanville's Ku Klux Klan card, Flipper Anderson and Marcus Allen's "Crips vs. Bloods: Battle of L.A." card, or Luis Zendejas wading across the Rio Grande on his card. They even got Steve Young to dress up like a geisha girl, which was just weird.

Derrick Thomas, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 20)