Luis Gonzalez, 2001 Topps

Name: Luis Gonzalez
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's gone
Key 2000 stat: 29-inch-long face
It's the latest installment of The Caption, which might have run in a Phoenix-area newspaper circa 2001: "The Arizona Diamondbacks' Luis Gonzalez, left, and the Pittsburgh Pirates' Jason Kendall battle in an intense game of Twister in the backyard of Gonzalez's Scottsdale, Ariz., home. Gonzalez was forced to go left hand brown, right foot white and left foot brown, while Kendall had left foot white, right foot brown and both hands junk. No one won."

Luis Gonzalez, 2001 Topps

Turner Ward, 2001 Topps

Name: Turner Ward
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One sweater with the neck stretched out
Key 2000 stat: .173 batting average
Ten things (and there may only be 10) bigger than Turner Ward's neck:
10) The rings of Saturn
9) The Big Hole in South Africa
8) The big hole in Turner Ward's swing
7) Sputnik
6) The Chunnel
5) Randy Johnson's mullet
4) That meteor that Bruce Willis blew up in "Armageddon." That movie rules.
3) Barry Bonds' head
2) Barry Bonds' ego
1) Turner Ward's purple turtleneck

Turner Ward, 2001 Topps

Travis Lee, 1999 Upper Deck Star Quest

Name: Travis Lee
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Position: First base
Value of card: Alphabet soup
Key 1998 stat: 203 long-sleeve T-shirts purchased
Vowel movement: So, before we realized the letters along the side were supposed to read "star quest," here are some of the words we thought Upper Deck was trying to spell:

• Quesadillas
• Thirst quencher
• Cuisinart
• Queen shirt
• Quetzalcoatl
• Star Search

Travis Lee, 1999 Upper Deck Star Quest