Dmitri Young, 2008 Upper Deck

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: Two-thirds of a tub of lard
Key 2007 stat: Wore glove on only half of hand
Here's what Bust favorite Dmitri Young stands for:

Doughnuts
Meatballs
Ice cream
Triple Bypass Burgers
Ramen by the case
In-N-Out Double Doubles

Yoohoo
Onion rings
Upside down cake
Nuggets (not just chicken)
Gravy

Dmitri Young, 2008 Upper Deck

Dmitri Young, 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: A look through Allen & Ginter's kitchen garbage can
Key 2007 stat: Young was no longer young
Fun facts about Dmitri Young and the state of Mississippi:

• Mississippi is known for its catfish farms. Dmitri Young often smelled like catfish.
• Mississippi is the Magnolia State. Dmitri Young was confused and upset by the movie "Magnolia."
• Mississippi led the South's rebellion among U.S. states. Dmitri Young's southern half is usually in a state of rebellion, as teammates who've used the bathroom after him can testify.
• Mississippi has the worst poverty rate in the nation. Dmitri Young's defense was also poor.
• Mississippi has one of the nation's highest obesity rates. Above, you see an illustration of Dmitri Young.

Dmitri Young, 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)

Name: Dmitri Young (still)
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Temporary blindness
Key 2001 stat: Dirt in mouth for the next three days
Mr. Young gets The Caption treatment: "Cincinnati Reds outfielder Dmitri 'Da Meat Hook' Young watches his helmet tumble away while simultaneously sliding into third base through a pile of kitty litter and doing the dance known as the worm. After the game, Young said he was planning to patent the maneuver, which he called 'The Slirm,' and hire a stable of semi-literate attorneys to threaten creators of the television show 'Futurama' with a copyright-infringement lawsuit."

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)

Dmitri Young, 2008 Bowman (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 6)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: The jelly from a jelly doughnut, spilled on the floor
Key 2007 stat: Led the league in table muscle
Weight for it: There's no denying that toward the end of his career, Dmitri Young started carrying a few extra pounds. In fact, he was such a nice guy, he even carried his teammates' extra pounds, too. But that didn't hamper his 2007 season. Dmitri hit .320 (at least 40 points better than his weight), scored 57 runs (frightened catchers often refused to block the plate) and even recorded a triple. No, not a triple bypass      an actual triple! Those 13 homers he hit were just gravy. Mmm, gravy. So hats off to you, Dmitri Young, for putting the "ton" in "Washington Nationals."

Dmitri Young, 2008 Bowman (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 6)

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Third base
Value of card: A soiled towel
Key 1992 stat: Never stopped smiling
Dmitri Young gets the Weird Al treatment, to the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy":
Here's a little song 'bout a bloke
If you watch him play, you'll need a smoke
Don't worry; be happy 
Warning track power caused him trouble 
What should have been homers were just doubles 
Don't worry; be happy
Ain't got no place but on the bench
Fans say his play gives off a stench 
Don't worry; be happy 
The manager say your swing is late 
You, for assignment, he might designate
Don't worry; be happy
No, don't worry; be happy now...

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Dmitri Young, 1997 Fleer New Horizon (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 4)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Three burnt-out neon bulbs
Key 1996 stat: Zero dollars in Nike endorsements despite wearing Nike gear
Time for a pop quiz focusing on our best buddy:

What "new horizon" did Dmitri Young reach in 1997?

(A) He graduated "Doughnut cum Laude" from Dunkin' University in the offseason.
(B) He was given a promotion to become director of cheesy neon at Bright Ideaz Lighting in St. Louis.
(C) He was named "Player with the Reddest Jersey in Frickin' History" by the Blind Baseball Writers of America.
(D) He was included in one of the most ill-thought-out subsets in Fleer's history.
(E) All of the above.

Dmitri Young, 1997 Fleer New Horizon (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 4)

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: If a loaf of bread is a nickel and a Coca-Cola costs 1 cent, it's less than worthless
Key 1901 stat: 345 games played before World War I
Where he's going, he doesn't need roads: One moment, Dmitri Young was playing in a game against the Indians in 2001. The next moment, the delicate balance between time and space was thrown off and Young was teleported to 1901, when many Indians still hunted bison in their native lands. Here he was, playing vintage "base ball" in an unfamiliar time against such players as Big Ed Delahanty, Turkey Stearns, Orator Jim O'Rourke, Amos "The Hoosier Thunderbolt" Rusie and Cyclone Joe Williams. These players had never seen a competitor like Young, a man with so much power, so much swagger, and so much necklace. Young played against these great athletes, dominating with every swing of the bat, every throw in the field. He would score many an "ace" (run), imploring the "cranks" (fans) to yell "Huzzah!" (hooray!) He was the ultimate "muckle" (power hitter) who thrilled the throngs with four-basers (home runs). But it wasn't his play that became his legacy; it was his role as the inventor of the afro that earned him timeless credit.

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a 3-day-old cheese zombie from a high school garbage bin
Key 1991 stat: B-minus in Algebra I
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on "top prospect" Dmitri Young: "This kid's got more tape than a 3M salesman. ... We're expecting him to perform in high school as well as he has in junior high. ... It would be great if we knew more about him, but we can't identify what team he plays on. ... Cummerbund points to pronounced patriotism. ... By the look of this photo, he's 47 feet tall. That's a big plus. ... We're concerned with how he'll adapt to a big-league city after playing in Amish country. ... If that's his batting stance we have a lot of work to do."

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Dmitri Young, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up! (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 1)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: SXX5S9WZ9, which equals nothing
Key 2003 stat: 100 (not sure of what, but figure it's important because it's on the front of the card)
Welcome to Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week: A few months ago, Dmitri Young let us know in no uncertain terms that he held The Bust in about as high of esteem as Tigers fans held Mr. Young after his last few mediocre seasons in Detroit. Mr. Young didn't like this post, you see, and he let us know. We respect that. The jokes are about as lackluster as Mr. Young's seasons with the Washington Nationals. So we intend to prove to Mr. Young that we can do better. We'll spend this Thanksgiving week showing him just how thankful we are for his opinion. We appreciate the constructive criticism, Mr. Young.
10 reasons Mr. Young's head is so big:
10) He was trying to draw attention away from such an amateur card background.
9) It's not; he was afflicted with the exceedingly rare Shrinking Body Disease.
8) He mistook the Upper Deck's "power up" instructions
7) He would do anything to show off his awesome goatee.
6) He just liked how funny his little arms looked in comparision.
5) He looked at a star player's stats and got them confused with his own.
4) He was the Tigers' DH: Deformed Head.
3) He misunderstood a teammate's slump-breaking advice to "get more head."
2) He was auditioning for a spot in "NBA Jam."
1) He saw The Bust was profiling him for a full week.

Dmitri Young, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up! (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 1)

Dmitri Young, 2000 Pacific

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's not worth the hair his beard is dyed on
Key 1999 stat: 212 hours in the salon
10 reasons Dmitri Young's beard is white:
10) His teammates chiefed him after a drunken night at the Northside Tavern in Cincinnati.
9) Forget his beard; you should see his turquoise hair.
8) He's emulating the Russian bodybuilder for whom he's named.
7) He knew about the registered trademark symbol included by Pacific on its 2000 set's cards and wanted to present something unique, because the design certainly doesn't come through.
6) He was a spokesman for Just for Men's Blonde Ambition line.
5) He's a colorful guy: black dude, Reds team, white beard.
4) It's a complex glare-reduction system enacted in tandem with his eye black.
3) That's not a beard; it's the leftover bacon gravy from last night's postgame spread.
2) He's drawing attention away from his statistics.
1) He was looking for some white power.

Dmitri Young, 2000 Pacific