Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero new ideas
Key 1990 stat: 13 RBI
We've been here before: In 1991, Upper Deck was still a new brand, full of fresh ideas and energy. That was, until this card got produced. Oh, gee, Mickey Hatcher with a giant glove. How original! Why not go all out and get Glenn Hubbard to pose with a python, ask Jay Johnstone to put on his umbrella hat, and get Jose Canseco to take his shirt off? Yep, this was the moment Upper Deck moved to the cheap seats.

Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tom Goodwin
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blades of grass
Key 2000 stat: 14 fly balls missed in the sun
It's time for a reflective pop quiz:

What's that reflected in Tom Goodwin's sunglasses?

(A) Teammates visibly ridiculing Goodwin for his oversize sunglasses.
(B) His optometrist.
(C) Oakley's entire marketing department.
(D) A sports card photographer taking the worst shot of his career.
(E) All of the above.

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pesos
Key 1988 stat: 2,197 instances of "Fernandomania" (in his own home)
"Fernandomania" spiced up L.A. in the mid-1980s; here are examples of "Fernandomania" in the late 1980s:

• A chicken-legged pitcher performed a one-man line dance on a baseball field.
• The one pair of blue cleats in Los Angeles sold out.
• Nearly eight people in the United States and Mexico started wearing headbands and old-man glasses.
• The Latino Elvis Impersonators gained a member — and two fans. 
• A man in a blue jacket and tight white pants was arrested for leering at women at Dodger Stadium.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Mike Piazza, 1998 Score Spring Training

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 pieces of burnt pepperoni
Key 1997 stat: 51 Italian food dinners with Tommy Lasorda
Here's how Mike Piazza spent spring training:

• Sculpting his mustache with tweezers.
• Shopping at the Oakley store for only-awesome-in-the-1990s shades.
• Running laps ... around the Vero Beach, Fla., nightclub scene
• Catching more flak than baseballs.
• Spring potty training.

Mike Piazza, 1998 Score Spring Training

Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever Stew says
Key 1981 stat: 451 people intimidated
It's time for a serious pop quiz:

Would you mess with Stew?

(A) No.
(B) Hell no.
(C) Absolutely not.
(D) For the love of god, no.
(E) (runs away)
(F) All of the above

Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss

Jerry Reuss, 1981 Topps

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 fluid ounces of pond scum
Key 1980 stat: 365 days lived with a sunny disposition
It's time for another thrilling pop quiz:

What has Jerry Reuss looking up?

(A) It's National Hug a Towhead Week.
(B) He thought he lost his hat, but it's right there in the left-hand corner.
(C) After six years of growth, his mustache masterpiece is complete.
(D) He's remembering his childhood acting gig playing Dennis the Menace.
(E) All of the above.

Jerry Reuss, 1981 Topps

Carlos Hernandez, 1993 Leaf

Name: Carlos Hernandez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One dead leaf
Key 1992 stat: 14 fights broken up
Time for The Caption, which may have run in a Los Angeles-area paper in 1992, probably: "Dodgers catcher Carlos Hernandez attempts to hold back home plate umpire Jerry Layne after Layne spotted Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda eating Layne's dinner in the dugout. Lasorda reportedly broke into the umpiring crew's dressing room after overhearing Layne describe the carne asada super burrito he had picked up at a local taqueria and then put in the fridge. Lasorda refused to apologize for the culinary theft, saying, 'If he wanted it so bad, he should have pounded it before the game. That's what I did with my platter of ziti!' "

Carlos Hernandez, 1993 Leaf

Yasiel Puig, 2013 Topps Update

Name: Yasiel Puig
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: More than a Fernando Valenzuela rookie card
Key 2013 stat: One forgettable season-ending game
It's a current-events pop quiz: What's Yasiel Puig up to in this photo?

A) Stepping up his defense after last night's Game 6
B) Borrowing Mickey Hatcher's glove
C) Taking a break from flipping his bat
D) Not playing the game the right way      there's no way that's legal equipment
E) All of the above

Yasiel Puig, 2013 Topps Update

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Names: Eric Karros, Tommy Lasorda and Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, manager and catcher, respectively
Value of card: The jelly inside one of those donuts
Key 1995 stat: Two L.A. sleazebags living in one house
Conversation between Eric Karros and Mike Piazza around the time this photo was taken:
Mike Piazza: "Hey, Eric. You ever feel like someone is watching you?"
Eric Karros: "Hold on, sweetheart. ... What's that, Mike?"
MP: "I said, Do you ever feel like someone is watching you?"
EK: "Yeah, actually, sometimes I do." (hangs up phone)
MP: "It's weird, ya know. Like, I'm pouring this bowl of fake cereal and I feel like someone is judging me, saying I should be eating Wheaties or something."
EK: "I know what you mean. It's like someone is looking at me, telling me how I should do this, how I should do that."
MP: "It's crazy. It's like someone is saying, 'Hey, Mike, shave that stupid mustache and trim those tacky sideburns.'"
EK: "I can't get over this feeling that someone is managing my minutes. Like, 'Hey, Karros, you moron, hang up that 12-pound phone. It costs $4.50 a minute.'"
MP: "Yeah, 'manage.' That's the right word. I feel like someone, I don't know who, is managing my every move, even here at our perfectly arranged pseudo-breakfast table."
EK: "I feel like someone is telling me to wipe my greasy hair with a towel. Weird."
MP: "Weird for sure. ... Hey, wait a sec. Who ate all those donuts? They disappeared."
EK: "I don't know, Mike. I don't know."

Eric Karros and Mike Piazza, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 5)

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, handyman
Value of card: A scratch from a rusty nail
Key 1992 stat: One bearded sidekick
Tool time: In the fall of 1991, Roger McDowell fell in love. But his love was not for a woman; it was for new ABC sitcom "Home Improvement." McDowell was so enamored with the antics of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, as played by actor and ex-convict Tim Allen, that the next spring, he came out of the dugout carrying sandpaper, wearing a tool belt and communicating with those around him solely through a series of grunts. Teammates and umpires thought it was strange (the tools, not the grunting      that was nothing new), but since it was an exhibition, McDowell was allowed to keep the belt on. Things got ugly in the sixth when McDowell refused to let reliever Steve Wilson take over for him on the mound unless Wilson covered the lower half of his face with his glove. Wilson, who hadn't seen the sitcom, responded by trying to strangle McDowell with his own tape measure. When McDowell tried to explain that he was The Tool Man, Wilson told him, "Yeah, you're a tool, all right."

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Even trade for a 1990 Sears catalog
Key 1990 stat: 12,981 jokes by teammates about his first name
Conversation between Orel Hershiser and a Topps Stadium Club photographer, circa 1990:
Topps Stadium Club photographer: "Hey, Orel. Nice to meet you."
Orel Hershiser: "Hi! I'm so excited for this shoot."
TSCP: "Apparently. You brought props?"
OH: "Sure did. Can we start?"
TSCP: "Uh, sure. OK, get comfortable."
OH: "How's this look?"
TSCP: "I think you can lose the mortarboard."
OH: "Really? OK, how about this?"
TSCP: "Um, you should take off the cheap robe."
OH: "Bummer. OK, how do I look now?"
TSCP: "No need for a fake diploma, Orel."
OH: "But how will my relatives know I'm graduating high school?"
TSCP: "Orel, buddy. This is a baseball card shoot, not a chance to take high school graduation photos."
OH: "Stop killing my dreams. How does this hand-on-chin pose look?"
TSCP: "That's fine, Orel. That's just fine. Big smile. One, two, three, cheese."
OH: "Cheeeeeessssseeeee!"

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 16 blades of dry grass
Key 1993 stat: 11,765 hours spent going over the Dewey Decimal System
It's time for another installment of The Caption, which we're told ran in the Los Angeles Daily News in 1993: "Los Angeles Dodgers starting pitcher Orel Hershiser, left, who apparently works as a librarian in the offseason, shops at a Los Angeles-area Home Depot for specialty sod that he plans to install at Dodger Stadium because he read 11 books on the differences between Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass and he has concluded that a new playing surface would qualitatively benefit his teammates by providing them a 15 percent increase in one-run victories when compared with the past five years' average, all while trying to ignore the Pittsburgh Pirates player behind him who keeps trying to hide by covering his face even though his body is sticking out in the open Thursday in Burbank."

Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 3 ounces of the dirt that gets captured in the jock strap's cup pouch during a game
Key 1996 stat: 142 pizzas eaten (Eh, oh!)
Don't mess with Piazza: Yeah, you're looking good. You're hauling tail around second, and then past third, and you're headed home. You're staring at that plate, and no one will get in your way. You can taste the go-ahead run you'll score for your team. You hustle, get down and slide toward home. And then — POW! — you get the Piazza special. Right in the dainty grapes. Right in the short-and-softies. Right in the soft-boiled eggs. Right in the tender 'ronis. Right in the oval oysters. Right in the man guts. Yup, for Piazza, the count is always two balls, one strike.

Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Jim Gott, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 1)

Name: Jim Gott
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, midair
Value of card: One crumbled cinder block
Key 1991 stat: Two flags judo-chopped
Let's kick off Pinnacle Sidelines Week: In 1992, cardmaker Score created a "premium" set that it named Pinnacle, and included a subset intended to highlight the off-the-field pastimes of some of baseball's stars and Jim Gott. Some players liked billiards, while others tended a family ranch, but they all had one thing in common: They were ridiculous. All this week, we're focusing on these Sidelines cards, truly the nadir of Pinnacle.
Here are 10 martial arts movies Jim Gott may have been starring in when the above photo was taken:
10) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Doofus
9) Fist of Futility
8) Kill Billy Martin: Vol. 1
7) House of Flying Dodgers
6) Shanghai Loon
5) Once Upon a Time in Some Dude's Basement
4) Enter the Dork
3) Kung Fu Pinhead
2) The Forbidden Kingdom (aka Tommy Lasorda's Bathroom)
1) The Karate You've Got to be Kidding

Jim Gott, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 1)

Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Eric Karros
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two $1 bills the same color scheme as this card
Key 1992 stat: One guest appearance on the "General Hospital" spinoff "Port Charles"
Transcript from late-night TV commercial for The Shake Weight®, circa 1993: "Hey there, sports fans. Eric Karros here, Major League Baseball Rookie of the Year and all-around handsome dude. I spend my time playing with balls on the diamond, but I still need to work long and hard to stay fit. How do I do it? It's simple: The Shake Weight®. (Close-up of Karros slowly moving the weight up and down.) At my job, I need strong wrists. And to get strong wrists I grab The Shake Weight® by the shaft and jerk it up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and ... whew, whoa, what was I saying? Any way, get yourself The Shake Weight® — it's a stroke of genius."

Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's worth its equivalent in off-center 1989 Topps cards
Key 1988 stat: 264 women with a case of "Fernandomania"
10 symptoms of "Fernandomania," as diagnosed by Bust doctors:
10) Inability to grow legitimate mustache
9) Tiny pink circles on forearm sleeves that are not — to repeat, not — the result of the lowest possible production standards
8) Arms bent at unimaginable angles
7) Mullet growth at 10 times the normal rate
6) Eyebrows that attach to each other and the hairline
5) Distorted perception of reality, like thinking the Dodgers had a shot to win the N.L. West in 1989
4) Restless chin syndrome
3) Sweating, a whole lot of sweating
2) Elephantitis of the bulge
1) Who cares? Pinata party!

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, tuxedoed
Value of card: One of the pins from a dress shirt
Key 1993 stat: 12 meatballs pulled from Tommy Lasorda's golf bag
A winner is you: As mentioned above, Mike Piazza was named the 1993 N.L. Rookie of the Year. Here are some other awards and honors this slugging squatter has taken home in his lifetime.

• Second place, 1993 Los Angeles Mullet Grand Prix
• Preferred customer at Big Joe's Hair Grease Emporium
• First place in the 1993 ITAMODYJFTSYL (Is that a Mustache or did You Just Forget to Shave Your Lip?) Cup
• Earned 5 percent off his next rental at Men's Wearhouse for returning the above tux early
• Won an Oscar for Best Fictional Screenplay for "Mr. Piazza Goes to Cooperstown"

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 burnt pepperonis
Key 1993 stat: 14 trips to JCPenney for handsome shirts
A year after winning the Rookie of the Year award in 1993, Mike Piazza tells a rookie how to achieve success: "Listen, kid. You have to trust me. I've been there; done that. I've been to the top of the mountain; I've done the things you dream about. You want to win? You have to do as I say. You want to play well? Do what I do. You want to be a star, surrounded by camera flashes and B-list actresses and getting free cuts at The Hollywood Mullet Factory? Sorry, there's only enough room for one Piazza in L.A. But you still can be great. Here's what to do: (1) grow out your hair and drown it in gel; (2) pick out the sweetest shirts you can find at JCPenney; (3) listen to Lasorda; (4) watch '90210' for sideburns tips; and, finally, (5) stick to a strict regimen of 5-pound weightlifting twice a week."

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro

Wally Moon, 1960 Topps

Name: Wally Moon
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six pieces of green cheese
Key 1959 stat: Zero people on the planet — or its only naturally orbiting satellite — with the same name
10 things just discovered on the Moon:
10) Pine-tar deodorant
9) Piercing blue eyes that once stared a hole through a steel beam
8) An Adam's apple so big it has a face
7) Acne craters
6) An expression of displeasure
5) A hat that was sat on by a horse for 18 hours
4) Jagged features that broke razors in half
3) A baggy jersey and pants that would make an early 1990s Compton gangster blush
2) Dengue fever
1) The most legendary unibrow in baseball history

Wally Moon, 1960 Topps

Karim Garcia, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Name: Karim Garcia
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Hmm, let me put my finger to my face and think about it; OK, nothing
Key 1993 stat: 16 cuts from his razor-sharp Razor sunglasses
Dodgers' scouting report on top prospect Karim Garcia: "Well, with a mullet like that, you ... Wait! What the hell! No way! Did this guy piss himself? He did! He pissed himself on the field! Oh, that's shameful! That is so shameful. We can't bring this kid up to the majors; he can't even control his bladder. You know what they say about someone covered in their own urine? 'You're in' trouble if you put them on your team. You want a letter grade on this 'top prospect'? How about a P-minus?"

Karim Garcia, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospect