Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Names: Norm Snead, Earl Morrall
Teams: New York Giants, Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Zero rushing yards, combined
Key 1972 stat: Zero logos
It's time for a pass-happy edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Movie star bangs (Winner: Snead)
Round 2: Military flat top (Winner: Morrall)
Round 3: Dentist-friendly teeth (Winner: Snead)
Round 4: Johnny Unitas look-alike (Winner: Morrall)
Round 5: Desire to represent team (Winner: Tie, neither)
Round 6: Four-letter first name that could be the same as your grandfather's (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Crayola-drawn jersey (Winner: Morrall)

Score: Morrall 3, Snead 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: When two top passers get matched up, the contest is sure to be tight. Luckily for Morrall, a 4-year-old with a crayon helped push him over the edge to victory.

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Name: Howard Twilley
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An empty, unwashed can of tuna
Key 1973 stat: Two catches (not including the one on this card)
Howard Twilley's train of thought from 9:43 to 9:44 a.m., Aug. 4, 1973: "By the saints, what is this thing!? It looks like some sort of leathery dinosaur egg. Why did Griese throw it to me? I don't want to even look at this blasted object, let alone touch it. Oh heavens, it's causing all the veins in my right arm to swell to a grotesque size! Help me, Mother Mary, help me!"

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Name: Don Shula
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Coach
Value of card: A pound of neon chalk dust
Key 1990 stat: Mentioned 2,497 times that the '72 Dolphins went undefeated
It's a Football Friday edition of The Caption, which might have appeared in the Miami Herald circa 1990: "Dolphins head coach Don Shula attempts to laugh off being ditched by a group of his players at a Latin nightclub late Friday night in downtown Miami. Shula sat quietly in a corner for two hours, his smile eventually turning to tears, before Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino showed up, carried Shula out of the club in his arms and placed him in the passenger seat of his car."

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Mark Clayton, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 186)

Name: Mark Clayton
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Mark Clayton's 1988 salary, times 0
Key 1988 stat: Didn't usually come up this small in a game
Ten things about this card that are even smaller than its physical size:

10) Its quality
9) The number of children who wanted it in their collections
8) The amount of thought that went into it
7) The amount of useful information on it
6) The chances it wasn't thrown directly in the garbage
5) Its nostalgic value
4) Its aesthetic value
3) Its entertainment value
2) Its monetary value
1) Itty-bitty Mark Clayton, who's trying desperately to get off this piece of junk

Mark Clayton, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 186)

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

Name: Marco Coleman, aka "Cobra"
Team: Miami Dol-skins
Positions: Defensive end, slithering on his stomach
Value of card: Two snake hands, despite, of course, snakes not having hands
Key 1993 splat: 2,819 scales (he weighs himself a lot)
"Cobra" Coleman describes fellow members of Cobra Command:

Cobra Commander: "Fun guy. Great on the barbecue. Once made this stuffed pork loin. Delish. I did prefer the helmet to the hood. And around the ladies, the guy was a bit of a snake."

Destro: "This guy, he has a steely resolve. His meddle: unquestionable. He has an iron will. A platinum-level human being, no doubt. And his head looks like an aluminum beer can."

Baroness: "Ooh, baby. Let me tell you something, son. This chica is on fire. She has body karate — and real karate. Word on the street is she and Destro got something going on. Well they didn't last night, playa."

Doctor Mindbender: "Egghead. Dork. Nerd. Dweeb. Geek. Goober."

Storm Shadow: "He may be a ninja, but that hooded uniform he started wearing veered a bit too close to a certain triple-letter group, if you know what I mean."

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

Reggie Roby 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 26)

Name: Reggie Roby
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Punter
Value of card: 3 pounds of guts from inside a dead dolphin
Key 1991 stat: 62 times kicking a football in the air, and nothing else all season
10 other professions that would have made leg specialist and punter Reggie Roby a success:
10) Kickball superstar
9) Freakshow contortionist
8) Stand-in for Ralph Macchio in "The Karate Kid, Part II"
7) Weather vane
6) This Bangkok savage
5) Creepy yoga instructor (who wears the outfit above)
4) A medical specimen for muscle specialists enthralled by the protruding mid-under-thigh muscle ball on Roby's punting leg
3) Rockette
2) L'eggs model
1) A lamp with "Fragile" marked on the box, which must be Italian

Reggie Roby 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 26)

Larry Csonka, 1972 Topps Pro Action (Football Friday No. 172)

Name: Larry Csonka
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Running back
Value of card: A case of malaria
Key 1972 stat: Apparently got very little blocking
Ten surprising facts about this turd of a collectible:
10) Not everyone who looked at this card was instantly blinded. It took months, even years, for some people to lose their vision because of it.
9) Larry Csonka's name is actually on the card      it's just hard to read because it's in yellow type on a light background, a hallmark of quality design.
8) The Steelers were just as surprised as you are that this game was played in a Miami city park just yards from a beach.
7) Despite all the reasons not to, Topps went ahead and used that four-line font on this cardboard gem.
6) It says "Pro Action," but it's really just a full-contact 2-on-2 pickup game with Csonka and Marv Fleming against Pittsburgh's Andy Russell and Mike Wagner.
5) Nonetheless, Csonka trucked in bleachers that went two rows deep. That's his wife in the back.
4) After this exhibition game ended, the crowd was treated to three rounds of bare-chested, bareknuckle boxing between Don Shula and Chuck Noll.
3) 11-year-old Danny Marino took the stunning photo on this keepsake.
2) The game was interrupted when Csonka started chasing after a passing ice cream truck, demanding a Drumstick.
1) Nobody won this game. But anyone who paid for this card definitely lost.

Larry Csonka, 1972 Topps Pro Action (Football Friday No. 172)

Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A DVD copy of Season 5 of "Miami Vice" (two discs missing)
Key 1992 stat: One loitering ticket
Welcome to Preposterous Poster Week: With the NFL season just days away, we've decided to take a closer look at some of the finest football cards we've ever seen. In the early 1990s, Skybox decided it wasn't enough to make atrocious sports cards, so it helped create a series of atrocious sports posters. As if that wasn't bad enough, Skybox then turned said posters into — you guessed it — football cards. Now we're bringing you seven of the most embarrassing images to ever decorate a 14-year-old boy's bedroom (family photos excluded). Apologies in advance.

Ways in which Dan Marino is either armed or dangerous in the above photo:

• It's dangerous to leave a football helmet on the back of a Corvette. If he forgets it's there, it could fall off and get scratched.
• He's probably got some guns or something in that duffel bag.
• It's dangerous to cover up such beautiful Zubaz pants, which is why his jersey is so neatly tucked in.
• He's armed with a special permit that lets him park on the beach, even though the palm tree clearly bans such activity.
• It's dangerous to give Marino so much time without pressuring him. Unless it's the playoffs, of course.

Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Exposed wiring
Key 1992 stat: Watched "RoboCop" 281 times
10 things Dan Marino could have won had he worn a metallic exoskeleton with large, black nipples:
10) The Cold War
9) A bigger part in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
8) A better costume in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
7) The hearts of millions of ladies
6) The science fair
5) The Mr. American Nipples Pageant, at least four times
4) His regular Tuesday-night poker game
3) The Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
2) BattleBots
1) The Super Bowl

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 11 VHS copies of "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
Key 1991 stat: Four Isotoner gloves worn (two on right hand, one on left hand and one on, ahem)
Here's what Dan Marino stands for:

Dolphin lover — not in that way, sicko
Aqua Velva saturated and proud of it
Never won a title, except for "World's Sexiest Quarterback"

Miami man with one vice: looking good
Armed with a football, ravishing looks and an 18-pound jacket
Roles in films such as "Ace Ventura," "Holy Man" and "Little Nicky" are, um, legendary
Inside a stone oval, he invites your soft caress
Never met a collar he wouldn't pop
Orange skin a shade lighter than pigskin

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

Name: Frank Emanuel
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One sad
Key 1968 stat: Constantly bullied
Conversation between Topps photographer and Frank Emanuel, Aug. 14, 1968:
TP: "OK, Frank, let's start by having you take a knee and remove your helmet. The kids love that pose."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh, kneels down) "OK..."
TP: "Um, OK, good, now just take off your helmet, please."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Why not?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Because Csonka super-glued my helmet to my ears and said that if I do manage to take it off, he'll punch me in the duodenum." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I don't even know what that is."
TP: "Wow. Well, can you at least tilt your head down a little so your eyes aren't covered by that 14-pound facemask?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't."
TP: "Oh lordy."
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh) "Bob Griese got the locks changed at my house, so I had to sleep in my car last night." (Lets out forlorn sigh) "I can't move my neck at all. And I don't know who will feed Captain Stinky."
TP: "Captain Stinky?"
FE: "My bunny."
TP: "OK then. Well, can you at least smile for me?"
FE: (Lets out forlorn sigh)
TP: "You know what? Never mind. (Takes photo) Next!"

Frank Emanuel, 1968 Topps (Football Friday No. 162)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami — you guessed it — Dolphins
Position: Quarterback, marine mammal
Value of card: 11 fish sticks (3 years old and freezer burned)
Key 1991 stat: 22 Isotoner commercials
Fun facts about dolphins, the beloved sea creature, and Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino:

• Dolphins are marine mammals related to whales and porpoises. Dolphin Dan Marino was a land mammal who never had relations with a "whale" on purpose.
• Dolphins are often regarded as one of Earth's most intelligent animals. Dolphin Dan Marino was rarely regarded as one of the NFL's most intelligent players.
• Dolphins communicate using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations. Dolphin Dan Marino communicated using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations.
• Dolphin copulation usually begins belly to belly, and many species engage in lengthy foreplay. Dolphin Dan Marino's copulation usually begins with Winner's Cup Vodka, and he sneers at the second part of this sentence.
• Dolphins have long been a favorite of popular culture, appearing in TV series such "Flipper" and  "SeaQuest DSV." Dolphin Dan Marino has long been a laughingstock of popular culture, appearing in movies such as "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." 

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Randal Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 19)

Name: Randal Hill
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Two jars of air
Key 1990 stat: 25 lazy afternoons spent lying on the grass, looking up at the sky and thinking, "That one looks like a Dolphin, an underachieving Dolphin."
It's time for another edition of The Caption, which we're told ran in a Miami-area newspaper in 1991: "Wide receiver Randal Hill leaps a tall goal post in a single bound Tuesday on a cloudy day never seen in Miami because the sun is always shining, the neon is always bright and the women are always shimmering in Miami, yes in Miami, while wearing skin-tight Spandex and one-quarter as much shirt as shorts in Miami, yes in Miami, while shamelessly plugging Nike Flight performance cleats in a blatant attempt to get his hands on a preorder pair of the newest Air Jordans, which would mean he got his hands on something at least once this season, in Miami, yes in Miami."

Randal Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 19)

Bryan Cox, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 140)

Name: Bryan Cox
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six balls of discarded finger tape
Key 1995 stat: Two middle fingers for the fans in Buffalo
Football, you're doing it wrong: Bryan Cox came to games prepared. He studied opposing offenses. He spent hours in the weight room. He practiced and practiced and practiced. And he was serious about avoiding injury, too. He knew if he got injured it wouldn't just hurt him; it would hurt his teammates, his coaches and Dolphins fans. So he took extra precautions that many players thought unnecessary. He used a nasal strip to ensure he would breathe right. He taped his fingers to protect pinkies that could get broken in a dogpile. He even wore a triple-layered neck pad behind his head that stuck out almost as much as it made him stick out. But despite all of these safety steps, Cox kept suffering injuries to his face, and no matter what he did or how long and hard he thought about it, he couldn't figure out why.

Bryan Cox, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 140)

Bob Griese, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 136)

Name: Bob Griese
Teams: Miami Dolphins, "Revenge of the Nerds" movie cast
Position: Dorky quarterback
Value of card: 12,321 x 876 / 14 + 1,298 - 716 x 0 = 0
Key 1980 stat: Don't get this dweeb started on stats
10 things Bob Griese said the day this photo was taken:
10) "Hold your horses, cowboy, (laugh snort) and let me calculate the yardage (laugh snort)."
9) "Have you ever heard of a paper Dolphin?"
8) "I don't really see myself as an athlete. Actually, I can't really see at all."
7) "OK, I'll cut the crap and give Grandma her glasses back."
6) "No, you listen. I want a phallic microphone on the card because I'm going to be an announcer."
5) "So, we put on these helmets for a 'Pokemon' tourney?"
4) "What do you mean I've been CTRL-Alt-Del? Is that some kind of crack?"
3) "Gee whiz, what is this brown, oblong object the muscular gentleman just threw at me?"
2) "The last part of my pads that I put on is my pocket protector."
1) "Man, these glasses sure are Griese."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bob Griese, 1981 Topps (Football Friday No. 136)

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A 4-foot-high pile of palm fronds
Key 1990 stat: 20-minute increments of a cold, steely stare
Time for a sweltering pop quiz:

It's 1991. Just how hot is Dan Marino?

(A) Women want him. Chris Miller wants to be him.
(B) When he puts on Isotoner gloves, women faint, and so does he, from heat stroke.
(C) He turns on Sean Young so much she shows him big ol' Mr. Kannish.
(D) His balls put off steam.
(E) All of the above.

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Dan Marino, 1994 Flair Hot Numbers (Football Friday No. 97)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Some number or other
Key 1994 stat: One name written across his bum
Dan Marino, by the numbers on this eyesore:

10: Colors on this card
13: Didn't prove so lucky when it came to the Super Bowl, did it, chief?
94: People he's punched over Super Bowl comments. Ouch! Make that 95.
298: Times Shula had to remind him to snap up his chin strap.
40,720: Times he wished for just one decent running back.

Dan Marino, 1994 Flair Hot Numbers (Football Friday No. 97)

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Name: Garo Yepremian
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Back hair
Key 1976 stat: Fourth straight year without a haircut
Top 10 nicknames for Garo Yepremian in 1976:
10) The Bald Boot
9) Scumbag
8) That Guy Who's Always On The Blooper Reel
7) Sideburn Afro Man
6) The Chest Yeti
5) Squinty McCreeper
4) People's Sexiest Man of the Year
3) Weird Uncle Garo
2) The Furry Foot
1) Scare-o Yepremian

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Ed Newman, 1984 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 75)

Name: Ed Newman
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Guard
Value of card: A series of rumbling stomach cramps
Key 1984 stat: 170 treatments for irritable bowel syndrome
It's a painful pop quiz:

What's got Ed Newman doubled over, grimacing in agony?

A) The $4.99 Seafood Special burrito he forgot in his car but didn't want to waste.
B) Listening to Don Shula gush over Dan Marino for the 400th straight day.
C) Getting kicked in the "red zone" by Reggie Roby as punishment for giving up a sack.
D) A kidney stone the size of Mark Clayton's sunglasses.
E) Not sure, but it looks like he's about to make a splash into the Bust Cup.

Ed Newman, 1984 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 75)