Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Boston Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: One ha'penny
Key 1924 stat: Frowned upon that new style of music called "jazz"
Tom Glavine's 1920s-era Internet dating profile (yes, we know it doesn't make any sense      have you been here before?):

Screen name: Thomas Michael "Tom" Glavine
Age: A hale 28
Height: 18 hands
Weight: 1.75 hundredweights
Hair color: Tawny
Hairstyle: Slicked back
Ethnicity: American
Religious views: Quaker
Marital status: My parents are still looking for a match
Want children? To pull the plow
Best feature: Stirrups
Smoke? Sure, the doctor says it's healthy
Drink? And how! Er, I mean, I'm no bootlegger!

Seeking: A classy dame
Location: The backseat of my Model T, er, that is, Boston!
Her body type: Corseted
Her ethnicity: Scandalous!

About me: I'm a simple farmer who plays ball during the dog days. I'm looking for a simple doll who isn't afraid to crank up the horseless carriage and hit the road for exotic locales like Cleveland and even St. Louis. I've caroused with my share of flappers, but I believe my speakeasy days are in the past. I'm ready to settle down with a loving bird and do the Lord's work. ... Oh, applesauce, why do I jest? I can't get enough of the hooch and the molls who come with it. Let's you and me get dolled up, get fried, and get some nookie.

Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Ryne Sandberg, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 6)

Name: Ryne Sandberg
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Second base
Value of card: Getting mauled by a rhino
Key 1991 stat: At least three shirts worn at all times
Well, hello: There it is. Where? Just above the Bust cup, as though you couldn't see it. It's clearly the focal point of the card, and it's staring right at you. Does it fluster you? Good. You look at it and know it has a checkered past. You feel its presence and know that it's seen more action than you ever will. Even Ryne Sandberg himself is afraid to acknowledge its presence. You can't help but be in awe of its girth and mutter a four-letter word. "Cubs." Wait, what? We were talking about the Cubs logo. What were you looking at?

Ryne Sandberg, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 6)

Rob Dibble, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 5)

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Reliever
Value of card: It's nasty
Key 1991 stat: 999 times being nasty
Rob Dibble is talking to you: "Yo. I'm Rob Dibble, and I'm a Nasty Boy. That's right, I'm nasty. How nasty? I like to swim in raw sewage. I enjoy cleaning my teeth with motor oil dipsticks. I live in a trash bin, in a junkyard, in Detroit. Yeah, I'm nasty. I once wore Norm Charlton's jockstrap as a necklace, and stored my hard-boiled eggs in Randy Myers' tighty-whities. Yeah! Nasty! For breakfast, I have whatever's rotting. For lunch, I throw up in my mouth. For dinner, Hawaiian barbecue. Ooh, yeah. That's nasty. I once saw John Kruk in the nude. I took a photo. I put it in my locker. Next to a lock of his chest hair. Oooooh, nasty! Like my gelled-up hair? Guess what: It's not gel. Nasty boy! Oooooh, so nasty. Tell Marge Schott I'm game. Nasty!"

Rob Dibble, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 5)

Tom Glavine, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 4)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Ace, left wing
Value of card: 2 pounds of Zamboni sludge
Key 1991 stat: 14 calls for icing
It's time for a one-man, two-sport edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Penchant to get involved in a "two-on-one" (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 2: Disgust at eating a moose and maple syrup sandwich (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sweet turtleneck that allows for mullet tucking (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 5: Footwear that makes him a bit taller around the ladies (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 6: Nose for the crease, so to speak (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 7: Longer stick (Winner: Hockey Glavine)

Score: Hockey Glavine 4, Baseball Glavine 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: It was a close Matchup when Canadian Hockey Glavine took on his clone, Atlanta Baseball Glavine, but, in the end, Hockey Glavine ended up with a powerplay while Baseball Glavine spent two minutes in the box for getting embarrassed.

Tom Glavine, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 4)

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rotting apple cores
Key 1990 stat: 10 fruits thrown during games
10 instances of Frank Viola throwing fruit, and the outcome of each:
10) He threw a grapefruit, and the players at spring training in Florida thought it was appropriate.
9) He threw a banana, and the phallic jokes ensued.
8) He threw a blueberry, and it was his only strikeout of the day.
7) He threw a nectarine, and then pointed to his turtleneck.
6) He threw a kumquat, and everyone started giggling.
5) He threw a lemon, and Chet Lemon charged the mound.
4) He threw a tomato, and then realized Mets fans were also throwing tomatoes, at him.
3) He threw a tangerine with that hairdo, and someone yelled, "Hey, fruit!"
2) He threw a watermelon, and some slugger named Gallagher hit a home run with a sledgehammer.
1) He threw a big apple, and 42,712 New Yorkers booed the obvious pun.

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Cal Ripken, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 2)

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: A piece of coal
Key 1991 stat: Played chicken with 13 Baltimore-area trains
Hit the snooze button: What does the locomotive symbolize in your bizarre dream about a very stern Cal Ripken?

A) An upcoming journey      probably to the toilet
B) Your lack of control in life      and of your bladder
C) An oncoming disaster      like wetting the bed
D) Your fondness for antiquated technology      like chamber pots
E) Will you just get up and piss already?
F) None of the above      you've passed out in your car again, this time at a railroad crossing. Wake up!

Cal Ripken, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 2)

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Half-naked outfielder
Value of card: $1.99/minute (must be 18 or older)
Key 1991 stat: Zero hits from a sitting position
We'll be giving you nightmares all week: The Score Dream Team sets of the early 1990s contained some of the most awkward, misdirected and erotic shots ever featured on cardboard. Sounds like a perfect fit for The Bust. Let's get started, shall we?
It worked so well the first time: We could point out that there's a good chance this boudoir shot of Rickey be Rickey was taken from the previous year's photo shoot. Or, we could analyze the dream presented here. Let's see, the stacked bases likely represent the mounting responsibilities you find yourself facing. Rickey's flat top means that you believe you will need to keep a level head to deal with these tasks. The Louisville Slugger signifies, erm, your desire to go to Louisville? Yeah, that's it. And Rickey's near-nudity? I don't know, but maybe you should stop watching so much Cinemax right before bed, buddy.

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Ron Gant, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

Name: Ron Gant
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Dream Team
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 35-cent coupon to Kmart
Key 1987 stat: 27 "blue-light specials" (wink, wink)
A sampling of Ron Gant's dreams circa 1988:

• He dreamed he had a flowing mullet that angels kissed and fairies stroked.
• He dreamed he was falling — into great prices at his local Kmart superstore.
• He dreamed he was a sex symbol whose muscular physique led millions of new fans to appreciate the game of "hardball."
• He dreamed he was a man with an incredibly short full name, Ron Gan.
• He dreamed he showed up to a baseball game wearing his Sunday's best belt.
• He dreamed his pencil-thin mustache grew as bushy as the ivy at Wrigley Field.
• He dreamed he was part of an incredible team of dream athletes, a Dream Team, if you will.

Ron Gant, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Night sweats
Key 1990 stat: Squatted a lot
Putting the psycho in psychoanalysis: We here at the Bust were never much good at baseball. Some say we're not very good at baseball humor either. (Thanks, Mom.) So we figured we'd try our hand at a new hobby: dream analysis. Here goes nothin'. In this dream, the 5-foot-wide plate represents your chances at succeeding in life. However, Benny Santiago represents all the things preventing you from reaching that success. The fact that he's wearing a mask is symbolic of you not wanting to face your fears. The fact that he's pointing at you through his glove symbolizes that you think you have no place to feel safe. The fact that he's tossing the baseball means that you feel you don't have enough control over your life. And the fact that his crotch is wide open means that maybe you should stop staring at men's crotches, bro. Jeez.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Paul Gibson, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

Name: Paul Gibson

Teams: Detroit Tigers, Kmart Nerd Dream Team

Position: Starting pitcher

Value of card: Fair exchange for two pocket protectors

Key 1987 stat: One nerd championship

The 1988 Kmart Nerd Dream Team complete set:

Starting pitcher: Paul "Fourteen Eyes" Gibson

Relief pitcher: Apple founder Steve Jobs

First base: Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons"

Second base: Timothy Busfield from "Revenge of the Nerds"

Third base: Billy Mitchell from "King of Kong" (Perfect "Pac-Man" game)

Shortstop: This guy

Catcher: The Father of Modern Physics

Left field: Microsoft founder Bill Gates

Center field: Steve Urkel from "Family Matters"

Right field: Dustin Diamond from "Saved By the Bell"

Paul Gibson, 1988 Topps Kmart Dream Team

Steve Tasker, 1993 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 71)

Name: Steve Tasker
Team: Buffalo Bills
Positions: Special teams, wide receiver
Value of card: A series of boring dreams
Key 1993 stat: A bunch of punts covered
What it means to be Steve Tasker:

Special teams expert
That's like being an expert at growing grass
Everyone knows they're supposed be impressed, but
Very few people give a crap —
Even Mrs. Tasker

Tumbled from the ugly tree
And hit every branch on the way down
Seems to be emerging from a rip in the time-space continuum on the above card
Keeps trying to grow chest hair, but it just isn't working
Even though those neck flaps look like gills, he can't actually breathe under water
Resembles the lady at Walmart who rang up our groceries the other day

Steve Tasker, 1993 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 71)

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)

Name: David Fulcher

Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Position: Strong safety

Value of card: Seven hangnails

Key 1990 stat: Zero untended cuticles

Script from Lee Press-On Nails for Men TV commercial, circa 1991: "Guys, I know you want to look your best, but you want to look tough, too. I'm David Fulcher, a hard-hitting strong safety in the National Football League. (Cut to shot of Fulcher slamming into an opposing player.) But just because I nail my opponents at work doesn't mean my nails have to look bad at home. (Cut to shot of Fulcher's nails, glistening.) That's why I choose Lee Press-On Nails for Men. They're smooth, sexy — and a steal, at only $1.99 for a box of 12. (Cut to shot of female backup singers.) 'One ninety-nine, are you out of your mind?' We're not out of our minds, sports fans. So listen to me, David Fulcher, a tough guy with a soft side. (Cut to shot of Fulcher bench-pressing a bed full of bunnies.) When you want to put your best foot forward, let Lee Press-On Nails for Men give you a hand. I do. (Cut to shot of Fulcher fluttering his glistening nails.)"

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)

Mitch Williams, 1990 Score Dream Team

Name: Mitch Williams
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Whatever the hell "LRP" is
Value of card: An empty bottle of Ambien
Key 1989 stat: More mullet than collar — barely
At the count of 10, you will wake from this quiz:

What makes Mitch Williams so dreamy?

A) The family of small birds nesting in his mullet
B) The way he suggestively leaves that elastic-laden warmup jacket slightly unzipped
C) The half-gallon of cologne he applies every morning
D) The fact that he just downed a fifth of Beam, passed out and began dreaming
E) None of the above
F) All of the above

Mitch Williams, 1990 Score Dream Team

Terry Steinbach, 1990 Score Dream Team

Name: Terry Steinbach
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One VHS of "A Nightmare On Elm Street," broken
Key 1989 stat: 18,301 cases of night sweats given
We'd prefer insomnia: In 1990, the cardmakers at Score had an idea for a special subset featuring the game's best players. It was dubbed the Score Dream Team. The powers that be decided to create illustrations designed to make each player selected look as he possibly would in someone's actual dream. Chalk this one up to bad idea, worse execution. Look at Terry Steinbach, for example. He looks like a mascara-wearing vampire with fetal alcohol syndrome. His head is the size of an apple, and the finger sticking out of his mitt looks like a mint-covered Vienna sausage. Thankfully, Score would get it right the next year, when they decided to just make all the players selected get half-naked.

Terry Steinbach, 1990 Score Dream Team

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebarcker, male model
Value of card: No shirt
Key 1990 stat: Sacked everything that moved
What Derrick Thomas stands for:

Disrobed for this photo shoot.
Even though no one asked him to.
Rushed the passer like the passer owed him money.
Rape stare leaves us feeling a little uneasy.
In spite of the photos on this card, he was not constantly hunched over.
Chiefs were actually good, once upon a time.
Knuckles look nice and shiny here.

Thin mustache was the least intimidating thing about him.
Hall of Fame induction came far too soon.
Offensive linemen couldn't stop him, but a snowstorm did.
Moral of his story: Wear your seatbelt and don't speed.
AFC's most feared defender was actually just misunderstood.
Shaved every 15 minutes — and not just his face.

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Doug Jones, 1991 Score

Name: Doug Jones
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Closer
Value of card: Six-pack of Bic lighters
Key 1990 stat: 74 third-degree burns
How about a little fire, scarecrow? Doug Jones was a fireballer, by which I mean he would actually light baseballs on fire before throwing them. He singed his mustache constantly and once turned his mullet into a smoldering, greasy mess. Catcher Sandy Alomar was terrified whenever the Tribe would head to the ninth with a slim lead. He would wrap his mitt in asbestos just to make sure it didn't catch aflame. Jones was fined a then-record $800,000 in June 1990 when he threw a flaming fastball at George "Jorge" Bell's head. The beanball missed, but got close enough to turn Bell's Jheri curl into a head torch. In other words, nobody liked Doug Jones.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler

Doug Jones, 1991 Score

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Rickey Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Left field

Value of card: One silver-dollar necklace

Key 1990 stat: 11 corns on feet

Rickey be Rickey ... everywhere: Rickey Henderson intimidated pitchers from a crouch, a few feet from a base, arms dangling, fingers nearly touching the ground, heels slightly off the dirt and eyes focused. He swiped base after base, earning the nickname "The Man of Steal." But Rickey Be Rickey didn't only hone his game on the diamond. At the supermarket, he'd get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd grab a gallon of milk and, before anyone noticed, he'd be at home, making cereal. In a traffic jam, he'd get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd be at his destination, with other drivers stuck behind his abandoned Ferrari in the fast lane. At home in the morning, above, Rickey would get down in a crouch, and — whoosh — he'd shower, brush his teeth, comb his hair and put on an obnoxious piece of jewelry, all before the alarm finished its first ring. In the bedroom, Rickey would get down in a crouch, focus his eyes on his lover and — whoosh — he'd be snoring with a half-eaten sandwich on his pillow and a smile on his face.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score Dream Team

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score Dream Team

Name: Dennis Eckersley, aka Yanni
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Closer, musician
Value of card: Two drums of sepia toner
Key 1992 stat: One moonlighting gig
Music of the heart: Having become one of baseball's pre-eminent relief pitchers, Dennis Eckersley began searching for a new challenge in 1992, seeking to satisfy a creative itch. He tried his hand at painting, sculpting, writing and acting, but wasn't adept at any of them. But when he sat down at a piano that December, he realized what had been missing. Eckersley quickly mastered the instrument and formed a band that played his favorite style of music: new age. He began wearing bad sweaters over button-up shirts and completed the look with khakis and a leather jacket. Performing under the stage name Yanni, Eckersley's band took off in popularity, though his smugness, flowing hair and massive lip brush also earned their share of revilement. But his baseball skills suffered as a result, and Eckersley realized he could never have both worlds. He stopped touring and eventually faked Yanni's death in a bear-related accident in 1995.

Dennis Eckersley, 1993 Score Dream Team

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score Dream Team

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: One pickup line
Key 1992 stat: Zero times crashed and burned
Frank Thomas, pickup artist: "Well, hello there. Come here often? My name's Frank. You know, a lot of people call me Big Hurt, but I think I just scraped my knee falling for you. Do you like my jacket? Me too, but I bet it'd look better on your floor. Baby, I'm sorry. No, I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you. Come on, girl, we're already at the stadium — let's take a trip around the bases. I hope you work for UPS, because I've got a package for you to handle. Hey, where are you going, sweet thing? If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

Frank Thomas, 1993 Score Dream Team