Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: One big apple, filled with worms
Key 1985 stat: Constant disgust
Yep, we've got more of 'em: That's right, Internet, your least favorite subset is back. Sure, we've already posted enough Diamond Kings to stuff a binder, but this week's seven illustrations make us wonder if the athletes featured in them are having some sort of medical emergency. So, to borrow an idea from Grandma Milhouse, go ahead and dial 9-1 while we investigate; then, if we say so, dial 1 again.
Is Dwight Gooden having a medical emergency? Upon further investigation, Doc is not having an embolism; he's just angry. Wouldn't you be? I mean, if you were painted with a laser beam going through your ears, a miniature version of yourself digging his cleats into your own neck, and your mouth at a completely different angle than the rest of your face, you can't tell me you'd be happy about it. So forgive Doc if he's a little torqued off. (Just don't tell him about the two little white lines around that laser beam.)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Name: Rod Woodson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One wooden rod, jammed someplace unpleasant
Key 1994 stat: Used all of the tape on his fingers. All of it.
A literal interpretation of this gridiron masterpiece: Rod Woodson and his gigantic bulge run back an interception under a 5-mile-high bridge while hurdling a series of miniature goalposts planted in a series of parallel parking spots as floodwater from a far-off electrical storm threatens the surrounding barren landscape.

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Name: Marshall Faulk
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: Who gives a Faulk?
Key 1994 stat: Almost died 372 times
Here's a drug test anyone can pass: What's the most dangerous thing Marshall Faulk is trying to elude in the above card?

(A) The fire snake that appears to have taken off his lower left leg
(B) The crazed Indy car driver who's trying to run him down
(C) The poisonous gas cloud that's rolling in behind the car
(D) The shards of glass that are falling from the sky
(E) The tripped-out artist who has put him in this situation to begin with

Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Saddle sores
Key 1994 stat: Never removed his helmet
Ten confusing things about this Troy Aikman card:

10) It's daytime on the left, but nighttime on the right, making him some sort of time lord.
9) He's wearing a saddle blanket as a toga.
8) Rather than burning his blanket-toga, the fire at his feet is turning into delicious weightless liquid cheese.
7) He's not eating the delicious floating cheese.
6) His throne has to be the least comfortable seat in the West.
5) Those little cowboy statues have giant footballs for hands.
4) It's unclear whether his helmet is translucent or just really well polished.
3) It looks like he's been using his sparkly rings to reflect sunlight and tan his face a deep, leathery brown.
2) His kingdom's flag appears to be in Packers colors.
1) It's unclear whether he brought enough peyote to share with the rest of us.

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Kipper
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: As much garbage as you can fit in that hat
Key 1985 stat: 365 kips (British slang for naps)
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Bob Kipper during spring training in 1986:
Topps photog: "Hi Bob, we're gonna take some photos      um, you don't have to do the one-knee pose if you don't want to, you know."
Bob Kipper: "Huh? Oh, hey, man. You got any chips? And dip?"
TP: "Hmm, no. I was just going to take your picture. Do you want to stand up?"
BK: "No, man, I'm good. Standing's just so strenuous, you know? It's much cooler staying close to the ground. With the Earth."
TP: "Well, I guess that'll work. Can you open your eyes a little more, though?"
BK: "My eyes are open, man. Wide open. I can see everything, you know?"
TP: "Oh yes, and I can see what you've been up to, for sure. But before a baseball game? That's so nuts."
BK: "Doughnuts? I love doughnuts! Can I have one, man?"
TP: "Um, sure." (Hands Kipper a batting doughnut) "Chew on that for a little while."

Bob Kipper, 1986 Topps

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Greg Maddux
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: Paint on your carpet
Key 1994 stat: One foot much smaller than the other, apparently
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: A sullen and stranded Greg Maddux waits for rescue while sitting atop a giant dirt clod rising from the ocean at the very edge of the earth. Too depressed to feed himself by trying to grab the fish jumping just inches away from him, Maddux is unaware that he is about to be pummeled by a hailstorm of baseballs as two ships shaped like gigantic Cy Young trophies sail right past him.

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Names: Brandon Puffer, Jung Bong
Teams: Houston Astros, Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Even trade for a 5-sack of bammer
Key 2002 stat: 22,871 stoner fans, combined
It's time for a reefer-fueled edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Name is a marijuana reference (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Name is slang for a marijuana user (Winner: Puffer)
Round 3: Name is slang for marijuana paraphernalia (Winner: Bong)
Round 4: Inclusion on a card that had to have been an inside joke at Topps (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Career that takes a backseat to an awesome name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cooler-sounding full name (Winner: Bong)

Score: Bong 2, Puffer 1, Ties 3

Synopsis: In a dope Matchup that nearly went to pot, Bong smoked Puffer in the end in ironic fashion.

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: 11 6-week-old Big Macs
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing-drug use
The Naturals subset seems like an odd choice for McGwire; some other odd subset choices:

• Nolan Ryan, Indians
• Randy Johnson, Short Guys
• Oscar Gamble, Flat Tops
• Tommy Lasorda, Irishmen
• O.J. Simpson, Innocents
• Rusty Kuntz, Unfunny Names
• Barry Bonds, Naturals

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Michael Irvin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 29)

Name: Michael Irvin
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 11 pairs of used practice Spandex
Key 1990 stat: Zero milliseconds being humble
More than a staircase: Michael Irvin is one of the greatest wide receivers of the past 25 years, but he was known to have experienced drug addiction. He's now clean, and we would bet that's thanks to a 12-step program. We'd also bet it's no coincidence that Irvin was pictured on a set of steps in a card. So, because of the absurdity above, we here at The Bust devised Irvin's early 1990s 12-step program:

Step 1: Admitted he was powerless over posing for ridiculous football cards — that his life had become unmanageable.
Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than himself had restored him to fashion sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn his will and his life over to the care of forgoing wristbands as he understood it.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of his closets.
Step 5: Admitted to God, himself and another human being (Emmitt Smith) the exact nature of his Spandex wrongs.
Step 6: Was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of dressing himself.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove his short-shorts shortcomings.
Step 8: Made a list of all the people he had harmed, and became willing to provide his fake jewelry to them all.
Step 9: Made a direct amends to such people whenever possible, even if they had broke out into uncontrollable laughter upon seeing how he dressed.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when he was wrong, he promptly changed his clothes.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with the Barney's saleswoman, praying only for knowledge of her will and the power to carry it out.
Step 12: Having had a fashion awakening as a result of these steps, he tried to carry the message to other early 1990s style addicts, and to practice the principles in all his affairs.

Michael Irvin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 29)

Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of cards: Two tabs, bro
Key 2000 stat: Wait, wait, wait, bro; you mean we're in the year 2000? Whoa.
Duuuuuuuude: "Whoa, man. What are you doing over there, man? You're like glowing and stuff, man. Oh ... my ... gosh, dude. You're, like, covered in colors. Dude, this is so trippy. And what are you wearing, man? Is this some kind of a renaissance fair or something? You look like a knight. What do you call a knight at night? I don't even know, dude. Huh-huh. That's hilarious. You have a mask on from that one movie, what's it called? 'Hannibal Lecture'? Yeah, man. You look crazy, man. Why are you so, like, squatty? Huh-huh. Squatty. What does that even mean? I don't know what I'm saying. ... My skin is melting. ... I need to find a bench, man."

Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Names: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden and Roger, um, "Super K" Clemens
Teams: New York Mets and Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One staged handshake
Key 1986 stat: So, so many illegal substances
Let's get these two disgraced aces into a Matchup:

Round 1: Looking at the camera (Winner: Tie     neither)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 3: Future drug-related controversies (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Future loathing from two fan bases (Winner: Super K)
Round 5: Actual nickname used on card (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 6: About to fall asleep (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 7: Better record in the 1986 World Series (Winner: Super K     0-0, compared to Dr. K's 0-2)

Final score: Dr. K 3, Super K 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Clemens seemed doomed from the beginning, considering Fleer just made up a nickname for him on this card. Really, Fleer, you never heard of "The Rocket"? Still, it was a close battle, with Gooden's bulge helping to provide the winning margin. At least Buckner wasn't to blame this time.

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One end zone seat approximately half a mile from the field
Key 1994 stat: 104 pounds of delicious barbecued meat eaten
Ummmm: Why is Joe Montana so happy?

A) Because he just threw a wedge of Swiss cheese shaped and painted like the Chiefs logo.
B) Because it's raining Gobstoppers.
C) Because he's delighted that the shadow of the goalpost is falling in a completely different direction than the shadow of his arm.
D) Because that little half-size upright is hilarious.
E) Because the artist who drew this card shared some of what he was smoking.

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Michael Irvin, 1998 Ultra Sensational 60 (Football Friday No. 165)

Name: Michael Irvin
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 88 grams of a white, powdery substance (namely, ash)
Key 1998 stat: Liked to scare people with his veiny right arm
Catch this pop quiz: What does Michael Irvin like to do all night?

A) Rock 'n' roll
B) Listen to the University of Texas fight song, even though he went to Miami
C) Settle in with a good book and a glass of Syrah
D) Have a slumber party with BFFs Troy Aikman and Jimmy Johnson
E) You know, bro. You know.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Irvin, 1998 Ultra Sensational 60 (Football Friday No. 165)

Gary Payton, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No 3)

Name: Gary Payton
Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Position: Point Guard
Value of card: A twamp sack of bammer
Key 1993-94 stat: Zero gloves worn during games
Rumor fits like a glove: In the mid-1990s, underground Bay Area hip-hop artists rapped a lot about cars, weed, crime and Gary Payton. E-40, B-Legit, Too Short and others flowed on songs that name-dropped Payton, an Oakland native. In many of these songs, the rappers claimed to have been smoking pot with Payton. Was this true? Doesn't matter. What matters is that the artist responsible for this card was obviously a big mid-1990s underground Bay Area rap fan. How do we know that? Let's start with "smoking bomb" being a slang term for inhaling marijuana and this card featured a "smoking bomb" basketball. Then there's the environment surrounding Payton. It looks like something you'd see in a crappy blacklight poster at a head shop. Payton, himself, is sporting an out-of-it, mouth-hanging-open look he never displayed on the court; it's a look that can only be the result of heavy pot use. And, of course, there's all the green. We get it, Fleer artist, you like puffin' on the sticky-icky while holla'ing at the homeboy Gary Payton. No doubt.

Gary Payton, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No 3)

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

Name: Rodney Craig
Team: Charleston Charlies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: What?
Key 1992 stat: Where?
Clearing up some rumors about minor-leaguer Rodney Craig:

• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. He's just having to squint from the glare off his sweet gold medallion.
• Rodney Craig's medallion does not have any mystical powers like this guy's does. If it did, he wouldn't be playing minor-league ball in Charleston, S.C.
• Rodney Craig is sooooooo not baked in the above photo. Wait, huh? We already said that one? Wait, are there any more Doritos?
• Rodney Craig's head is, in fact, the size of one of Jupiter's moons. He wore a size 9 batting helmet and his teammates called him "Buckethead." No, really, we're not making this one up!

Rodney Craig, 1993 TCMA

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps

Name: Jeff Jones
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of fake cheese from mousetraps with dead mice in them
Key 1984 stat: 26 pounds of yellow jerseys in wardrobe
Jeff Jones was a great student; here are some of the things he got A's in:

• Sleeping upright 101
• Pitching without a ball (lab)
• Beginner's cloud floating
• Fashion merchandising
• Cannabis sativa studies
• Mustaches for the modern caveman: An in-depth look
• Butt chin theory
• Upper-division unkempt hair
• Duhhhh photography II
• Advanced unibrow

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 17)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A rolled-up dollar bill stuck up someone's nose
Key 1991 stat: Looked scarier in the blue uniforms
Don't be mad, it's just a pop quiz: What has angered Lawrence Taylor so?

A) Nothing, he's just re-creating the play where he ended Joe Theismann's NFL career
B) Nothing, the photographer just asked him to pretend he was having an epileptic fit
C) Nothing, he's just caught wind of one of Bill Parcells' chili farts
D) Nothing, he's actually just frightened of that levitating face mask
E) Somebody stole his Coke

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 17)

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Name: Plaxico Burress
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Pigskin rash
Key rookie year stat: Felt comfortable wearing that headband at a photo shoot
Clearing up some rumors about this photo of Plaxico Burress:

• Plaxico Burress is not baked here. He is just squinting because his headband is too colorful.
• Burress did not sew himself a blanket of footballs. He's using them as a flak jacket so that he doesn't shoot himself.
• Burress did not consent to having this photo taken. It's just part of rookie hazing.
• Burress is not using a portable cooler as a backrest. Wait, yeah, actually, we think he is. That's weird.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Alvin Harper, 1994 Topps Tools of the Game (Football Friday No. 138)

Name: Alvin Harper
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One piece of sandpaper, smoothed and burned
Key 1994 stat: Fifth-best Cowboy offensive threat
Saddle up for a pop quiz: Which tools did some of the early '90s Dallas Cowboys use best?

A) Mirrors
B) Razor blades
C) Rolled-up $100 bills
D) Scales
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Alvin Harper, 1994 Topps Tools of the Game (Football Friday No. 138)

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Name: Rock Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 1 "toonie" (in Canadian commonspeak, a $2 coin, probably with a duck on it)
Key 1989 stat: 14 words of French spoken
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

How did Tim Raines get the nickname "Rock," as enshrined on his obnoxious necklace?

(A) Actually, he bought the necklace first and the nickname followed.
(B) Cocaine is a helluva drug.
(C) He spent his off seasons playing bass for underground Montreal heavy-metal band Les Mustachios.
(D) He conceived a Hollywood script about the existential rebirth of a grisly convict whose seminal yet concealed accomplishment of breaking out of Alcatraz in the waters of San Francisco Bay would only be eclipsed by his success, with the help of Nicolas Cage (played seemingly without effort by Nicolas Cage), in a mission to save the world from nuclear warfare brought on by a renegade general and his team of mercenaries who have overtaken a national park in the waters of San Francisco Bay in their quest to obtain a $100 million ransom in the names of fallen comrades who died in covert operations throughout the world.
(E) All of the above.

Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman