Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Name: Robin Yount
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, dirt bike racer
Value of card: The dirt left in Yount's bike tires
Key 1991 stat: 118 airs caught
Script from Honda Powersports dirt bike commercial, circa 1992: "Whoooaa! Howdy, sports fans! This is Robin Yount, the most extreme baseball player who ever played the game and yelled all his sentences! (shot of Yount taking a bite out of a baseball) You know I like it to tear it up! I like to ride hard (shot of Yount riding a bike) and party harder! Woo-hooo! But I never mix riding and partying, because that would be a strikeout. (shot of Yount swinging, missing, falling down) Just kidding! I'm all about getting on my Honda dirt bike with 10 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka in my gut and two beers in my pockets* and hitting some jumps! Get some air, scabs, and get yourself a Honda dirt bike! Wooooo-hoooo!"

* Robin Yount and Honda in no way endorse drinking and riding (unless it's with your sister. Hey-o!).

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jay Johnstone
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A slug of beer A beer-soaked slug
Key career stat: Played for 20 years; played more than 100 games in nine of them
Clearing up some rumors about Jay Johnstone's, um, hat:

• Jay Johnstone's hat is not made from the labels of all the beers he drank last night. It's made from the labels of all the beers he drank in the dugout during the game.
• Jay Johstone's hat is not meant to protect him from rainfall. It's meant to protect him from all the things thrown at him by disgruntled Cubs fans.
• Jay Johnstone's hat is not meant to advertise the King of Beers. I mean, they sell these cards to kids, and alcohol is never marketed to kids, right?
• Jay Johnstone's hat does not say "Budweiser" on it. It says "Cubweiser," a brew that was best enjoyed in 1908 and hasn't been anywhere near as good since.

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Name: Randy Bass
Team: Premium Malts (yes, really)
Positions: "Infielder," usually standing in a buffet line
Value of card: One bass skeleton
Key 2008 stat: For relaxing times, made it Suntory time
Get ready for another edition of The Caption, which may have been translated from some Japanese newspaper or other, as far as you know: "Pro Japanese baseball legend Randy Bass holds up a giant, inflatable can advertising Suntory Premium Malts during an old-timers all-star game Sunday in Tokyo. The evening took an ugly turn after the game, however, when Bass learned that the can was not, in fact, filled with delicious malt liquor, and in retaliation looted a nearby convenience store, drinking every 40-ounce bottle of less-than-premium alcohol he could find. Police have estimated that the damage is close to a million yen."

Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dennis Lamp
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six burnt-out light bulbs
Key 1988 stat: 16-pound mustache
Time for a comparative pop quiz:

What's the difference between Dennis Lamp and a lamp?

(A) Sometimes, a lamp is on.
(B) A lamp always wears lampshades, not just at parties.
(C) A lamp is an inanimate object without a personality.
(D) A lamp doesn't show up to work looking like the hobo the other hobos threw off the train car because of his grooming habits, or lack thereof.
(E) All of the above, minus C.

Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Potsition: First base
Value of card: Ten shots of tequila, regurgitated
Key 1989 stat: Patchy stubble
George Brett's train of thought, 11:02 to 11:04 a.m., March 7, 1990: "Damn these Florida beaches and their enticing blend of tequila and samba. ... Wait, today's baseball card photo day? Crap, I'm sweating like Cecil Fielder in a sauna. I didn't shave, I haven't showered in three days and I'm so hungover right now, the sky looks purple. ... Phew, it's only the crappy insert cards they're shooting today. Nobody will ever see these and distribute them on a poorly written and produced electronic medium two decades from now. ...  Hey, if these guys are going to smudge out the logo on my hat, maybe they can get rid of the bags under my eyes and the dried puke on my collar. Maybe I won't look like America's swarthiest man, after all!"

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

John Boozer, 1969 Topps

Name: John Boozer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A drop of Winner's Cup gin
Key 1968 stat: 42 drunken bar brawls
It's a '60s pop quiz: What's John Boozer doing in this photo?

A) Having lived up to his surname, he's about to pitch an invisible baseball and fall over
B) Demonstrating the best way to sweat to death by wearing a collared jacket underneath a flannel jersey
C) Demonstrating how to stand when you draw the Rapiscan machine at airport security
D) Showing off his "hands-free beer-removal technique"
E) All of the above

John Boozer, 1969 Topps

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Gregg Olson
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three G's
Key 1990 stat: Not an alcoholic (yet)
One dreadful mischaracterization: It's pretty clear Mr. Perez didn't care too much for young Orioles closer Gregg Olson. First, he covers up the "Diamond Kings" label with a ball cap the size of Olson's head in this portrait. Second, he suggests that Olson is giving us the finger with his glove hand. But worst of all, he's painted Olson's nose and cheeks rosier than Santa's, hinting that when the pitcher's not pouring in heat, he's pouring glass after glass of straight Jameson. Olson appears to have more burst facial blood vessels than a 55-year-old Irish cop who just got punched in the nose. Honestly, we're surprised Perez didn't just change this guy's name to Gregg Molson. For shame, sir.

Gregg Olson, 1991 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitcher, scoundrel
Value of card: Two shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered, of course)
Key 1988 stat: 22 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered and puked up, of course)
Clean it up, Barry (face palm): Barry Jones, you and Fleer should be ashamed of yourselves. You look like you just woke up and rolled off a dead hooker. And by "hooker," we mean "fisherman." If this card were scratch-and-sniff, it would be 80 proof. You're wearing a mesh jersey that would be laughed off a beer league field, but it's covering a gut that only belongs on that field. Nice black-tar smack scar on your arm. What flytrap motel on the South Side played host to that night? And the mustache. C'mon. If you're going to do handlebars, go all the way and grow a pair. That uneven mess above your lip looks like it crawled there after the Port-O-Potty tipped over. But, hey, shaving your sweaty chest hair into a heart was a nice touch. In closing, run a comb through that filthy mullet, ya jerk.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer

Rod Beck, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three "refried" chews
Key 1993 stat: Three addictions kicked; three others relished
Rod Beck, By the Numbers:

48: saves in 1993
48: beers consumed in one sitting, 18 times, 1993
2.16: ERA in 1993
2.16: normal-sized chews taken at once
76: games, 1993
76: games pitched with a hangover, 1993
13: walks, 1993
13: pounds of mullet, 1993
.750: win-loss percentage, 1993
.750: bulge-to-thigh ratio, 1993

Rod Beck, 1994 Upper Deck

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Paul Mirabella
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A beer with a cigarette butt in it
Key 1988 stat: One shot of Old Grand-Dad for every strikeout — so, not too many shots
Paul Mirabella's train of thought from 11:21 to 11:23 a.m., Sept. 12, 1988: "Guh. Maybe those last six shots of warm gin weren't such a good idea last night. ... Skip better not ask me to pitch today — if I have to take off this jacket, everyone's gonna know I'm wearing the same jersey as yesterday. Of course, now there's a big puke stain on the front of it. And it's not even my own. ... God, I can smell the cherry-flavored vodka coming out of my pores. ... There's probably enough day-old Miller High Life left in my mustache to make it the Champagne of Facial Hair. ... All I want to do is go lay down in the locker room, but that stupid kid Sheffield's in there polishing his gold chains. ... Screw it, that's the last time I play 'I Never' with Yount."

Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Neal Heaton, 1984 Donruss

Name: Neal "Heat-On" Heaton

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: The last ounce in a Budweiser can at last call

Key 1983 stat: 24 beers, 24 hours, 24 times in April

Heaton continues to "get his heat on": Before Neal Heaton had a handlebar whiskey stain and a job collecting the Budweiser cans he discarded in Pittsburgh, he was by day pitching for the Indians and by night drinking his weight in the cheapest swill in Cleveland. He enjoyed the lifestyle, but, as can be seen above, it left him a bit disheveled in the morning. He didn't care. He relished the attention baseball brought him and the euphoria brought on by the booze. He even took to wearing a new gold necklace every day indicating how many drinks he had ingested the previous night. The losses piled up alongside the empty bottles and regrets, but Heaton continued on, saying, "Hey, I'm drunk in name only." Then he met a woman, Claire Soberup, who inspired him to leave the booze at the bar and embrace life's easy comforts. Heaton followed his love's lead and indeed found a way to "sober up" and right his life. That is, until they married and she took his last name.

Neal Heaton, 1984 Donruss

Don Mattingly, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 2)

Name: Don Mattingly

Team: New York Yankees

Position: First base

Value of card: 50-cent tip to bartender

Key 1990 stat: Four days since looking in a mirror

Don spent a week there one night: 1991 Studio was a great set because the photographers often captured the person behind the player. Usually, this was a good thing for all involved parties. In Don Mattingly's case, this nearly landed him in rehab. Mattingly had arrived at Studio's studios after a four-day bender during which the only food he ate was tequila worms and the only shower he took was when he fell face first into a clogged urinal. He had subsisted on whiskey and what little charm he had left after subsisting on whiskey, and showed up at the studio a beaten and beleaguered man. The photographer did his best to clean him up, changing Mattingly out of his sombrero and poncho, trimming his puke-stained mustache and pulling the family of river rats out of his pants. Knowing it wouldn't be long before the Yankees first baseman was spread eagle on a bathroom floor, the photographer snapped one shot, seen above, a moment before Mattingly threw up all over the camera.

Don Mattingly, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 2)

Jeff Nelson, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Jeff Nelson, aka Kenny Powers

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Closer

Value of card: "Not worth as much as these nuts," Powers said.

Key 1993 stat: "Numbers are for people who don't have talent. If there's two things I have it's talent, balls and talent," Powers said.

Northbound and down: Kenny Powers had been run out of Atlanta, New York and San Francisco. He was in Seattle, his career in decline. He had poisoned the media and the fans had abandoned him. His velocity was gone and he was spending money on hookers, cocaine and Budweiser at a staggering rate. Kenny Powers needed a change, and he'd tell you: "When my (expletive) was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multimillion-dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my (expletive). Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a (expletive) cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm." But Kenny Powers didn't give up. He struck out on a new road, with glory in mind. He had a vision of paradise on the diamond and he knew only the heart of a champion and the mind of a scientist would get him there. So he stole a few credit cards and an ID from some guy named Jeff Nelson, and his career, for a short time, was reborn in Seattle.

Jeff Nelson, 1994 Upper Deck

Kevin Brown, 1995 Topps Stadium Club Transaction

Name: Kevin Brown

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Ace

Value of card: One roach, two whiskeys

Key 1994 stat: Three days without shaving

Time for an action-packed transaction pop quiz:

Why was Kevin Brown allowed to become a free agent after the 1994 season?

(A) He was always stoned.

(B) He was always drunk.

(C) He was always stoned and drunk.

(D) He posed for baseball card photos when he was stoned and drunk.

(E) All of the above.

Kevin Brown, 1995 Topps Stadium Club Transaction

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One lobotomy
Key 1990 stat: Four red sleeves
Quiet down, over there. It's time for a pop quiz:

All right, Ozzie, just what the heck is so funny?

A) "Look at Coach Herzog's tummy!"
B) "Willie McGee is making funny faces again."
C) "Remember those old Padres uniforms? How can you not laugh at them?"
D) "Nothing. I'm just having heat stroke from all the shirts I'm wearing!"
E) "That kid Cole looks just like Urkel. What a cut-up!"
F) "I'm drunk as hell!"
G) None of the above. Definitely none of the above.

Ozzie Smith, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Neal Heaton, 1991 Donruss

Name: Neal "Heat-On" Heaton

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Pennsylvania redemption value for two empty Budweiser cans

Key 1990 stat: 365 hangovers

Putting the "heat on" in Heaton: Neal Thompson - now Neal Heaton - was a young, quality pitcher with no vices before the 1990 season. That year, manager Jim Leyland introduced him to cigarettes and beer in an attempt to get the left-hander to blow off steam. This didn't turn out well. Thompson started drinking beer after beer after whisky after beer. In fact, what appears to be a mustache in the above card is in fact a round-the-mouth whisky stain. Thompson would show up drunk to games and would sneak Budweisers into the dugout. Teammates began calling him "Neal Heat-On," not because he threw fast but because he liked to "get a heat on." Thompson liked the moniker so much he changed his last name to "Heaton." Within a year, he was out of baseball, spending his days getting his heat on in Pittsburgh parking lots and his nights collecting the beer cans he had discarded.

Neal Heaton, 1991 Donruss

John Kruk, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The residue of 50 cheese steaks
Key 1993 stat: One mullet to rule them all
What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? By 1994, Diamond King artists were starting to get a little high-tech. Here we see a rendering of John Kruk utilizing thermal imaging. After waddling from the dugout to the plate, most of Mr. Kruk is orange or red, showing the excessive heat on his skin, particularly where his boiler and man-boobs have chafed against his jersey. The only cool patches are on his forehead, under the shade of his brim; on his neck, under the shade of his mullet; and along his throat, which has been cooled by the four brewskis he just chugged between innings.

John Kruk, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Positions: Outfield, wino
Value of card: $2 coupon for a bottle of Night Train
Key 1992 stat: One liver transplant
Have another one, you lush: For shame, Andy Van Slyke. Sure, everyone has smelled the hooch on your breath in the locker room, but this time you've gone too far. What, that bottle of Thunderbird couldn't wait until after the game? You're a mess, tripping over the AstroTurf, having your third base coach carry you off the field, and likely soiling yourself in the process. What kind of example are you setting for the children, taking the field with a flask of cherry-flavored vodka under your cap, already drunk on fortified wine and tallboys of Natty Ice? You disgust me, sir.

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Topps Stadium Club